Setting boundaries (before Thanksgiving!)

Something yesterday made me feel a need to post things that can make people smile and show support. Going over my list of things that can help, one of the big ones was "Don't hate."

I am also incredibly angry. I want to get things out about that, except I appear to have written most of it before; I am just angrier now.

What I was trying to draft was a refutation of all of the wrong reasons people have been giving for the election results. People are wrong and lying and that needs to be refuted. It was getting so long and unwieldy, though, that I think I need to take a step back.

My core feeling is that as important as it is to love people, it does not mean overlooking.

Harm has been done and more harm will follow. Many of the people who are a part of that harm are clinging to illusions about how it was a principled choice or for a valid reason or not destructive. 

Those bubbles need to be popped.

Again, there is a lot to write there, but for now, let's focus on navigating the relationships .

Interestingly, there is some remarkably early buyers' remorse among Trump voters. 

One reason is the proposed evisceration of the Department of Education. Parents of students with IEPs and the teachers who work with those students are starting to realize that department is the source of their funding. 

Oops.

Also, we have people crying about family cutting them off because of how they voted. They knew how their families felt, apparently, but did not believe there would be a penalty.

You may have people you care for who have been hateful or ignorant (or both), but they are coming to you now feeling sad or scared. What do you do?

That is a very personal decision. For Thanksgiving specifically, it is also probably a somewhat joint decision. 

I can give some things to think about.

This may be somewhat influenced by reading On Repentance and Repair: Making Amends in an Unapologetic World by Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg. While there were things that I did not think were completely right, it was still refreshing to see a hope in reconciliation and a focus on the work.

I am also thinking about my own boundaries, and how people who have been very abusive have come back with no apologies.

It's not that I was waiting for an apology, but when someone who has treated you badly wants to act like nothing happened, that sets a clear expectation that treating you badly is still on the table. 

You don't have to make room in your life for mistreatment. 

Am I equating voting for Trump (or a third party) to personal mistreatment? 

Does dehumanizing people other than you and siding with fascism make people kinder?

Again, it's personal. For me it is also informed by it feeling more and more like a matter of integrity to make sure everyone knows how and why they are wrong. That may not be well-received, but it could ultimately be instrumental for their integrity.

Love can mean saying "no". It absolutely does not mean never having to say you're sorry.

And if you find that your family or community are harmful to you -- whether that is physical or mental, whether it is intentional on their part or not -- do not be afraid to build new family and community. 

We are going to need it.

 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/06/borders-and-boundaries.html  

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2022/10/on-paternal-side.html 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2019/02/slowing-down-forgiveness.html