Books about death

Yes, my most recent posts have been inspired by a death, but that is not why I am posting this now. 

This was going to be natural follow-up to Books about dementia and Movies about death. There have been some interruptions.

Also, I am not yet ready to write on "Books about being a mess." I think that one is going to end up being broken down into even smaller parts.

Nonetheless, there were books that I read on the topic of death. 

I was deliberately reading to prepare for my mother's death, not knowing when it would happen. The books also ended up being about more than her. If they were not more about life than death, well, they are still about life too.

I have also been working on this long enough that a quote that I wanted to use already appeared on the blog in 2019. 

"It appears that people who have gone through a life of suffering, hard work, and labor, who have raised their children and been gratified in their work, have shown greater ease in accepting death with peace and dignity compared to those who have been ambitiously controlling their environment, accumulating material goods, and a great number of social relationships but few meaningful interpersonal relationships which would have been available at the end of life." 

That is from On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross.

My biggest caveat on that quote is that it refers to people with young children having a harder time reconciling themselves to not finishing raising them. It could sound like the issue is whether you had children or not, but it was a matter of not being able to complete the parental role and conflicts and guilt about that.

It is also worth noting that Kübler-Ross gets quoted a lot regarding the stages of grief, as if it applies to any loss. She was specifically studying people learning that they were terminally ill. People have also tended to view it as a linear checklist, but it's not that simple or straightforward. 

First published in 1969, it is also somewhat out of date by now. One book trying to address that was Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief by David Kessler. 

Kübler-Ross and Kessler collaborated; he wasn't trying to steal her thunder. 

I agree with the premise that finding meaning is helpful, but some of his sources are questionable. I rechecked my Goodreads reviews for all of these books. The praise I have for Kessler's is that it might be accessible for some people who would struggle with deeper books. That's not a strong recommendation.

One that is also kind of faint praise is for Words at the Threshold by Lisa Smartt, yet I did gain something for it. 

When I was writing about The Gift of Alzheimer's, my issue was that a lot of her evidence seemed kind of reaching but I was glad that she was able to have positive experiences with a difficult disease.

With Smartt, I am not sure that all of the words spoken by the dying did have a deeper meaning, or at least not the perceived meaning. 

I have had times when a high fever or medication has kept me from being able to find the right words for thoughts I was trying to get out. I cannot rule out that a dying person may want very much to communicate something, but that what they are saying may not match. Getting too hung up on trying to make the words fit may not work.

That also doesn't mean that there is nothing profound or valuable. It depends on so many things. It is up to us to glean meaning and part of that is going to be from the context of the relationship that we know. 

I may be overly hung up on that because it is very hard losing someone you love. It would be easy to grasp at false comfort. Is that a problem if it is still comfort? Well, if the false part is keeping you from something that would be better, then yes.

I feel bad that I was somewhat disappointed with Gone From My Sight: The Dying Experience by Barbara Karnes.

This is the booklet that everyone providing hospice recommends. They may even give you a copy free. I have turned down two copies because I already have one.

It's not bad, though a lot of it is still assuming some awareness on the part of the person dying where it is not really helpful for dementia. That was probably part of my disappointment. 

It's value is in encouraging acceptance, which is important because the grief of the loved ones they are leaving can be an obstacle for the person who is dying and already has enough to resolve.

(I'm just going to insert a link to Ring Theory here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in)

Remember that acceptance will be helped by finding meaning, but also may be surprisingly helped by absurdity.

I tend to find New Yorker cartoons disappointing, so I would not expect to be a fan of one of their cartoonists, but I did find some common ground in Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant by Roz Chast.

There were probably other points in common, but the one I remember most is that after having a lot of difficulty with her mother and having to hire help, being irritated to find her mother comfortably seated on the couch with the caretaker and eating a tuna fish sandwich. You should be happy, but why aren't you?

There are so many different things pulling at you. It is important to be fair and reasonable, but part of that can also be knowing that your feelings are valid and this is hard.  

Finally, I should mention A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis.

I mentioned being disappointed by the Shadowlands movie, mainly because I don't think there was that much C. S. Lewis in it. 

I don't think I have ever been disappointed by reading Lewis.

The most impressive thing about A Grief Observed may be that I could tell that he had written a lot more, so was only sharing some parts of it, but some of those parts were so raw. His criteria for sharing was not an effort to sanitize. What is left is an acknowledgment of terrible pain, but also hope and acceptance. 

I believe he found meaning in that.