Procrastination

One week later, my e-mail is down to 205, a net reduction of 25. 

The part about the mail backlog was really just context for why I was looking at those particular passages. As I wrote about it, and about making peace with the levels and means of connection, it felt like there was more there, and more that was relevant.

One source accounts for most of the backlog,the Indian Country Today newsletter. The oldest message is from July 6th, 2021, and there are generally two to three messages a week. 

It was easy to procrastinate reading them. I am usually rushed. That particular oldest message comes from a time when I was applying for jobs, getting hired, training... I mean, it makes sense if that's where I started losing track.

It's not all them; I recently went through all of my old Southern Poverty Law Center updates. The reason I did not finish them at the time I got them was because they usually linked to new reports or studies with more reading, and I wanted to give those adequate time. I now tend to think that just skimming would have been fine, and better than reading so much later.

In the things that I am working with now Marie Kondo has been a great help, but we are not completely aligned on saving things for later. She says that in general if you don't read something when you get it, then you are not going to, or possibly that if it is for a later time, it will reappear. 

I think that is true for a lot of people, but with my stubborn wish to know and understand everything, I will make myself get to things, and often I will enjoy it then.

Being able to let things go is a part of this process, and I will spend more time on that. 

This post is more about my tendency to dread things, and then delay them.

Catching up on these letters has been good. I have learned a lot. I am working backwards, so sometimes it is interesting seeing the earlier context, sometimes I don't need it, and sometimes it is more frustrating.

For example, I just read an article about protests on the refusal to search two landfills. This was from February, and I was still reading about the landfill issue in August. As far as I know, there is still no search. That is only one part of the overall Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women issue.

As that backlog was growing (it did briefly top 500), I did keep thinking that maybe there wasn't even a point in going back; that I should just commit to moving forward. I couldn't feel right about that.

I did start making a point of reading the new updates on the day they came in. That may have helped take away some of the apprehension about getting to the old ones. It was possible to keep up; it could be possible to catch up.

I had made a few attempts here and there, but they didn't stick.

As Native American Heritage Month was approaching, I started reading one message per day in October, then two per day in November, working backwards one month at a time. If in the process I encounter another old e-mail that I know is part of a trend (like SPLC), I go through those.

It isn't trying to do too much, and it is doing something.

Procrastination can have some ridiculous hangups behind it, that are not easily overcome. Once you start getting past it, though, it can be very gratifying, and make other obstacles appear smaller.

Looking forward to the pockets of permaculture and guitar messages!

Transgender Awareness Reading: The memoirs

I tried thinking of the best path to say the most important things to say. I am not sure this one is perfect, but for this post I am going to go over the memoirs in the order of least-liked to most, always keeping in mind that tastes vary.

Fairest by Meredith Talusan

One thing that I would like to read more about, and I don't really see it discussed much, is how much gender conditioning affects people. For example, does someone assigned female at birth still -- even after transitioning -- feel that compulsion to apologize and play nice that is hounded into women. 

While the influences are strongly cultural, Talusan was born in the Philippines as an oldest (for several years only) son, and was also albino, causing her to look white. There was a lot of doting on and spoiling by the grandmother. While there were definite sources of pain beyond gender identity, there is an extent to which Talusan is often really selfish and inconsiderate, and not a great child or friend. There are things I really sympathize with, and things that are not her fault, but this is ultimately why I didn't really enjoy the time spent in her book. Still interesting.

This was the only one I really didn't like, and the next two were pretty equal, where I am not sure about the rank.

Believe Me: A Memoir of Love, Death, and Jazz Chickens by Eddie Izzard (now going by Suzy Izzard)

If you enjoy Izzard's humor, with a lot of tangents and circling back, you should enjoy this book. I didn't mind that part so much, except it seems to require more repetition. 

A bigger factor for me was the certainty of rightness, which kept getting repeated, especially for Izzard's certainty that there is no God. I mean, I disagree, but over and over and over again. I appreciate that she still believes in kindness, and there are some amazing goals achieved, but at the same time it just gets a little tiresome.

She tells a story about a class where they had to impersonate each other, with the imitation of her being something like "blah blah blah theater, blah blah blah design" so perhaps she is at peace with it.

Because this book was written before Izzard clarified her name and pronouns, I also can't help wondering what difference that time has made, and if there might be some more relaxation, and less need to demonstrate authority. Perhaps we'll see.

Pageboy by Elliot Page 

The thing that made this book hard for me -- and this is not a reason not to read it -- is that there was so much exploitation and victimization of a young actor. That includes sexual exploitation, but there is some racism and dangerous stunts on the set of the Flatliners remake that were very frustrating. I read Maureen Ryan's Burn It Down earlier this year, so I shouldn't even be surprised at the Flatliners stuff, but the amount of creepy adults preying on minors and very young adults... it was just hard, and the knowledge that it can be and has been worse does not make it better.

Love That Story: Observations From A Gorgeously Queer Life by Jonathan Van Ness

This one is kind of not really a memoir, but a collection of stories after a memoir. Actually, I am not sure the other book is a full memoir, but being on reality shows may also make someone feel like there is more known, and less that needs to be explained. 

Regardless, the things Van Ness does write about are laid out with honestly and emotion, and it does make me want to read the first book. Lots of enthusiasm and tangents, often with gymnastics references, so Van Ness might be kind of tiring too, like Izzard, but differently.

Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More by Janet Mock

This is again one where I want to read the other book, but this book does cover the journey; I am just interested in what else she has to say.

I think compared to the others mentioned so far, Mock may have a greater analysis and understanding of her entire process.

Christine Jorgensen: A Personal Autobiography by Christine Jorgensen

I think I like Christine's personality most, but there are two other things that I believe make her story very valuable. 

One is that with her transition happening so early, there is a lot about the processes various doctors went through to try and make sure that it was reasonable to do the hormone supplements and then the surgery and that all of this could be good for her. It was interesting to see how much more energy she had after starting estrogen. I am not sure whether there was a hormonal imbalance for her as she was born that it corrected, or it as the relief in being able to become herself, but this was good for her. 

The other factor is that often in the other cases there is some tragedy or abuse or disconnect or something where transphobes are likely to point at that as an explanation for their being trans. That's not how it works, but those factors aren't present in Christine's life. She had a very happy childhood and a supportive family, but she was also always a girl.

Welcome to St. Hell: My Trans Teen Misadventure by Lewis Hancox

This one is separate from the normal ranking because it is a graphic novel, though in many ways it can function as a memoir. The focus really is on the gender disconnect, and then on being able to connect. This may be one of the better ones for showing the value of the blockers, because puberty is rough.

More next Friday.

Connected

It's been a little over a year.

I have a tendency to hold on to e-mail messages for a long time, even if I have replied. Maybe I need to write more, or act on it, or it would just be something good to remember. Even though I have a perfectly good "saved" folder, I am more likely to see it in my inbox.

That does seem to be less true when the amount of e-mail goes past 500.

It is down to 230 now.

The current layer included some messages that related to the fear of Twitter going away. 

I am set up to get an e-mail notification when I get a direct message. There really weren't that many messages from that, but I remember it was part of a bigger trend where I thanked people for ways they influenced me, promised to read their books, told them how much I appreciated them...

Mostly it was tweets, but there were a few direct messages and some replies.

Twitter is still here. Sure, they pretend it is called "X" and the button for "retweet" now says "repost", but the site is still twitter.com. Maybe that will be the next change.

There have been many changes, and none of them have been for the better. There are definitely more racists, and the ad insertions are a lot more intrusive. I don't send direct messages anymore because to receive them I have to receive direct messages from any blue check; that seemed like a bad idea since blue checks are the kind of people who think giving an egomaniacal emerald heir money makes them friends. I probably could still send messages to people who follow me, but if I can't see their replies, what's the point?

I don't think the algorithm is working in my favor at all, so I don't know that people really see my tweets. A lot of people that I liked are gone anyway.

Also, a lot of people have become a lot worse. That was something that was happening all along, where I would think someone was pretty cool and insightful, and then would slowly become disillusioned. That's happened with more people, but I don't blame that on Twitter so much as just the world (and dominator culture).

I had decided sometime ago that I don't have it in me to start on a new social media site, and I am sticking to that. The way I came to the Twitter I liked was so much a path that could not have been predicted but worked out so well... it couldn't be recreated. That wouldn't matter if I were optimistic about something else being created that would be worth the effort, but I don't feel drawn toward any of that.

I do sometimes think of increasing my participation on one of the other sites that I am on: posting on Tumblr again, doing more on Facebook, or maybe even installing Instagram on my phone so I could actually post. 

For now, that remains a "no". At the same time, as I sort through old e-mails and files and things, who knows where that winnowing will lead?

It is meaningful to me that a year later, I have heard from people I have met through Twitter, but been contacted via e-mail and Facebook. As important as a platform can be for connecting, no platform is the only means of connecting.

There are much more valuable aspects of Twitter for new and organization and activism that have been damaged.

However, I am still stubbornly sticking it out. At this point I am hoping someone will seize the platform from that guy, and maybe it can be good again.

Transgender Awareness reading

It is Transgender Awareness Week. 

Apparently someone asked for suggested books in their comments and posted the responses, then was criticized for transmisogyny due to what was missing from the list. Apparently the small account didn't get diverse enough replies.

On one level, you probably have someone being ridiculous, but possibly that hypersensitivity is based on historical exclusion; that's why I am not linking to any of it. I could not find the initial list, so that poster may have meant well and then been hounded into deleting. I feel bad about that.

However, I was going to post about the books I read today, and how I got there, and now it is posting my own list and in a timely manner! 

It started with a school board candidate telling lies:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2023/05/do-they-know-or-care-that-they-are-lying.html

My Princess Boy by Cheryl Kilodavis, Suzanne DeSimone

Love That Story: Observations From A Gorgeously Queer Life by Jonathan Van Ness

I posted about those books that I had been meaning to read, but the transphobic attitudes of the authors was putting me off.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/10/terf-month.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/11/whatever-joanne.html 

Well, here were two books that could act as counterweights, but only two, and one was a children's book and the author of the other was non-binary, not technically transgender... what else?

I first thought of Laverne Cox and Janet Mock. That led me to a few books.

Laverne Cox (Little People, Big Dreams, 86) by Maria Isabel Sánchez Vegara and Olivia Daisy Coles

Laverne Cox (Transgender Pioneers) by Erin Staley

Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More by Janet Mock

I saw that Elliot Page's book was out, and then wondered about Suzy Izzard, and there was a book! 

Believe Me: A Memoir of Love, Death, and Jazz Chickens by Eddie Izzard

Pageboy by Elliot Page

There was another book, Brazen, that I didn't love, but it reminded me of Christine Jorgensen, and that she had written an autobiography. Score!

Christine Jorgensen: A Personal Autobiography by Christine Jorgensen

The other books that I read were kind of found by accident, but those are accidents that happen because you are looking up the books that you know exist, and other books related in some way or another appear. 

(With Fairest I was literally looking up something cooking related, but they had the same last name. Less probable, but it still worked.)

I Am Jazz by Jessica Herthel, Jazz Jennings, Shelagh McNicholas

Welcome to St. Hell: My Trans Teen Misadventure by Lewis Hancox

Fairest by Meredith Talusan

So there are eleven books I have read, at a variety of reading levels and I think with a decent amount of representation. I'm sure there is room for criticism, but it is a start; everyone has to start somewhere.

Also, a book I am reading now, Men as Women, Women as Men: Changing Gender in Native American Cultures, is on topic, but technically I am reading it for Native American Heritage Month.  

It is also very much an anthropology book, with the first few chapters about terminology and research methods, so it's not going to be to everyone's taste. I enjoy the memoirs more, but other types of books round things out.

Allow me also to mention some other books.

Alternate Channels: The Uncensored Story of Gay and Lesbian Images on Radio and Television, 1930s to the Present by Steven Capsuto

I made sure to finish reading this one before I wrote about Barney Miller, because I learned about it through a video on one of the episodes, but it does not look like I really wrote about it then. 

It was an interesting read, though mainly about cisgender gay issues. It did mention though, as we got to television stories about AIDS, about how the dramas portrayed the choice as between family acceptance or dying alone, ignoring the community support that existed. That made me want to read another book:

And the Band Played On: Politics, People, and the AIDS Epidemic

Again, that is primarily cisgender-related, though there are some transgender people who pop up.

Non-fiction books tend to open up new doors anyway. In addition, I saw that both Jonathan Van Ness and Janet Mock had other books. In the case of Van Ness, I think the other book would have fit in better, but hey, my reading started with a lying school board candidate, and that was the book that he mentioned. I don't regret reading Love That Story, but I think I need to read more.

So, at some point next year, I know I will be reading... 

Over the Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love by Jonathan Van Ness
Surpassing Certainty: What My Twenties Taught Me by Janet Mock

as well as...

When We Rise by Cleve Jones
In the Form of a Questions: The Joys and Rewards of a Curious Life by Amy Schneider

I also know I will want to read more about Marsha P Johnson and Sylvia Rivera. I don't know what those books will be yet, but I am confident I will find something, because sometimes it doesn't even take that much effort to have more books come.

I will write more about these books, but for now, if you want to do more reading, I hope these options help.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2022/12/read-loveless-and-gender-queer.html

Grace notes

I've had two nice things happen recently.

For starters, I got to order Chipotle.

One of the things that I am not proud of -- back when I was caring for our mother full-time -- is that sometimes the thought of having to come up with what to make for dinner and then do it one more time would bring me to tears.

A big part of that is an executive function overload, which is why planning meals out several days in advance can help. Sometimes, though, you just need a break.

Working again and starting to catch up, I had started periodically ordering in, about once a month. I would order multiple things to make the delivery fee less outrageous and so I would have leftovers, but it allowed me to try different things and get that break.

Once the garnishment started, I couldn't justify it. Even if the money were there so it were technically possible, there were always more important things. 

I just really wanted Chipotle. Especially the chips and salsa. I haven't ordered in since August, before this all started.

It was embarrassing how much I wanted it. It's not like I am not ever eating or getting things that I like or going out. It was one specific thing that I was not getting, but also it was representing that I can't just do whatever I want, and I used to have more freedom in that way.

When Julie paid her rent, she gave me an extra $40 so I could do that. 

I still wasn't going to order, because there are so many places to put that money. I did anyway, because she wanted that for me, and it was good.  

I think I can go another three months now.

In addition, I have recently had two people reach out to me.

I have been reaching out more myself, but these were both from when I was kind of adopting depressed teenage girls. That is such a bad way of describing it, but there's not an efficient explanation that is not overly complicated.

Back in 2013 somehow I was finding hurting young women through Twitter, and just trying to be encouraging and supportive, and help. That's been enough time for most of them to be adults and have jobs, maybe have finished school, and most of them are long past those crises. The two who reached out aren't even on Twitter anymore.

They still remembered me and thought of me. 

Sometimes you are just in someone's life for a while, and that can be perfectly fine. 

Sometimes it is good to hear back.

Whatever, Joanne

The other "TERF" part of TERF month is that I needed to finish the Harry Potter series.

Well, "needed" is a strong word. 

I don't really remember the dates, but I think I read the first five between 2002 and 2008, based on which movies I saw and that I had already read them by the time I got onto Goodreads. I periodically picked up a $1 used copy at Powell's, at least for the first three. The last two were more expensive, but still definitely used.

I planned on getting to the last two, but they weren't a priority. Then Rowling started approaching her current form, and I had less interest.

Still, I like completion. I figured I would probably do it. She kept shooting off her mouth, and there are so many other things to read!

I read Timothy Snyder's On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century at the end of 2017. It mentioned potentially reading the last book of the series for inspiration. Okay, maybe I would get to it, but I would just check them out from the library. Still not enough motivation.

Then my sister gave me the last two books. She was trying to be nice, but they have been annoying me in my room for at least a couple of years now.

Okay, I was just going to put all of the TERF work together and get it over with. It was still hard to bring myself to do it, because they are so long, and I was just not looking forward to it.

Having it done is a relief.

I get why Snyder recommended it. With the underground radio and papers and the things that people need to do to resist, including choices about when safety is more important, or less... it is relevant and I believe that was especially a recommendation for younger people.

Some of my irritation with the moodiness, impatience, and lack of rationality about these teenagers is certainly related to me being an older person. Grow up and quit sulking!

I remember once in a movie review for the 1996 Emma, a bit about how it can be hard to have a character be annoying where you get that they are annoying, but that it does not take you out of the movie with your own annoyance.

I think Rowling is not a great writer with that, being overly repetitive to convey how hard it is for everyone. There are ways to change it each time to show growth and development, and there is also sometimes trusting the readers that they will get that it is hard. Theoretically there is also still listening to editors even though you are super successful and famous, because you can also get too full of yourself.

I think both Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows could be 200 pages shorter and be better for it.

It's not that they are terrible, either. Some of the passages are thrilling and there is some great imagination. 

However, knowing how Rowling has not only being ardently transphobic but pretty ableist and not being able to unsee the fatphobia once becoming aware of it...  I don't like her.

For this particular literary opinion, there will be people who agree and people who are aghast, and that's fine. Similarly, I had really expected to like A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but I kind of hated it. The reason that I kind of hated it was that I felt this contempt for humanity in it. 

Sure, there are legitimate reasons for that contempt, but I can't give into it. I tend not to admire works filled with it.

It was not a surprise to find that here. The scene early on where Dudley is saying goodbye to Harry and starting to feel things and Harry is such a jerk about it is a good example. You are supposed to agree with Harry, because this is Dudley, but it's like there is this latent cruelty. Of course the author is someone who is going to target the marginalized and feel righteous.

Next week I will get into the transphile books. One of the authors mentioned waiting at the bookstore at midnight when a new book was going to be launched. What a letdown! I'm sorry for those who have been let down. I'm just kind of "Meh."

(I can't be passionate about everything. Probably.)

However, I must make clear that the reason this is a separate post from the other TERF works is because there is a vast difference between the quality of the work and the quality of the feminism. Rowling is not a radical feminist and I don't think much of a feminist in general and certainly not one to have much to teach about equality. (Which is perhaps not surprising for someone who wrote a whole "chosen one" narrative.)

I have my disappointments with Alice Walker, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, and Caroline Criado Pérez, but they are in a whole different league.

Of course Joanne has more money. That is no guarantee of quality, as has been demonstrated again and again.

Buffy

This may be more of a rant than I prefer.

Friday I briefly mentioned gatekeeping in reference to choosing what songs to feature for a heritage month. 

In fact, there have been issues with groups that could easily have common interests being divided for feelings of superiority or fear or resentment or something that doesn't help.

Going back further, I wrote back in January about attacks on the authenticity of various Native Americans, and that I'd heard they were coming for Buffy Sainte-Marie next:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/01/native-american-identity-for-white.html 

They did it.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/nov/02/buffy-sainte-marie-documentary-controversy-indigenous-canada 

There are a few things that make this more of a rant than a cogent explanation of the problems.

The first is probably my disgust with how many people are just automatically accepting it.

Recently I wrote about how the internet -- including many Canadians -- rode to the defense of Martin Short when someone called him annoying. 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2023/10/all-coming-back.html

I thought this would be the same, because so many people love Buffy. 

So many people turned against her so quickly.

Sometimes personal jealousy appears to have been a factor, like people who lost awards to her, because obviously it should have been theirs. 

Other times I don't know the motive, though I hope they notice that they are being joined by terrible people also crowing about "hoaxes" relating to boarding schools and missing women.

Here is one of the other things that make me angrier. One poster pointed out that they started the attacks on Sacheen Littlefeather close to the start of Native American Heritage month too. I had not thought of that at the time. 

Yeah, that doesn't seem like an accident.

Of course, as far as Jacqueline Keeler is concerned (she was not acting alone this time), you don't have to wait for any specific month; her attacks on Killers of the Flower Moon star Lily Gladstone were back in April.

https://twitter.com/mariahgladstone/status/1658887551212716034 

I can't help but think it might be more beneficial to look into someone like Oklahoma governor Kevin Stitt, who holds current political power and is not necessarily using it well.

https://apnews.com/oklahoma-governors-tribal-fight-raises-ancestry-questions-61f53c6a2094c89f90b1a4190f08a7db

People definitely have questions about Lakota Man, who seems like he might be trying to be the Native Shaun King.

But no, these attacks have been on a dead woman, a retired woman, and a young actress at an exciting time in her career.

Certainly, there may be times when there are questions. Buffy Sainte-Marie may have been lied to about her heritage, but I do not believe she lied. 

https://twitter.com/BuffySteMarie/status/1717609253199127019 

The irritating things is that so many times they have said that it is not whom you claim, but who claims you, and that DNA is not the point, but now there are all the calls for DNA tests. In fact Buffy has been claimed by the Piapot and has deep ties to them, so shouldn't that settle it?

Why be consistent when you can be spiteful instead?

Reading about this, I discovered a new term: paper genocide. It refers to the destruction of documents and records to erase history and culture. 

There are issues with tracking down who was stolen and who was adopted and why those words may both belong to the same person. 

There is a lot of good that could be done in trying to restore family connections that were lost over time, in both Canada and the United States.

There could be a lot of healing to be done, but I can't see that Keeler has any interest than that. 

Instead she attacks women of color -- even though she is one -- and she goes to estranged relatives and lies to them. Even that she questions the abuse of survivor, taking the perpetrator's word for it, without doing anything to mitigate or help or care...

I don't expect anything good from her.

I was surprised and disgusted that so many people accepted it, but working with the CBC --even with a sleazier side of it -- seemed to help. 

At least they got their highest ratings ever.

La Raza Heritage Month Daily Songs

I interrupt my writing on TERF month and the counter-programming because I finished something musically and I want to write about it now.

You may recall that I have struggled with what to call the time period running from September 15th through October 15th. As I was reading the books for that month, they focused on the issues with the names too. I can't promise it will stick, but this month I am using La Raza.

What does that mean? Well, really, they are Indigenous people living in areas of the Americas originally colonized by Spain (and Portugal?). The distinction is language, but of course racially there is a lot of mixing, and there are many different cultures there, not all of which relates to United States history.

I was thinking about those different cultures within the US specifically, and got this idea to do different regions.

Even then it's messy. I don't think "Chicano" has ever been specified as located in California, but primarily US residents of Mexican heritage. I focused on Californians because if you keep heading East from the Pacific, you find Tejanos.

Without it necessarily being fair, I left out Linda Ronstadt because she was born in Arizona. 

I started late, but gave eight days each (for a month of 32 days) to those two, plus Cuban-Americans (focusing on Miami) and Nuyoricans. 

I debated whether that should be Nuyoricans or just Puerto Ricans, from wherever, but I liked the fairly strict definition and it was my favorite music. (Due to the country influence, the Tejano was my least favorite.)

The confusion about whom to include -- and the potential exclusion -- spreads. Oscar Isaac is a Latino musician from Miami. I reviewed Blinking Underdogs in 2016, but he's Guatemalan, right? Maternally yes, but his father is Cuban, perhaps making his presence in Miami make more sense, but people from all over end up all over.

Other musicians that I did not use included B'Real, Irene Cara, and Rudy Sarzo. You could argue against using Rage Against the Machine, because really that was only for Zach de la Rocha. 

This is not the ultimate list, but the list I used this time.

As I get into the books in a few weeks, we may return to the problems of gatekeeping. For now, I think my answer is rotation. Zoom in on specifics and differences, then zoom back out on commonalities, and remember there is always more.

There were a few breaks due to travel, and then a few days filled in with songs relating to a concert I saw (Billy Idol), a book I read (Up, Up and Away by Billy Davis Jr. and Marilyn McCoo), and a show I was watching (Daria). Then, since we were close to Halloween, two songs about relationships with a dangerous edge.

Chicanx
9/23 “Born in East LA” by Cheech Marin
9/24 “Testify” by Rage Against the Machine
9/25 “Donna” by Ritchie Valens
9/26 “Risk It” by Alice Bag
9/27 “Don't Push Me Around” by The Zeros
9/28 “Tu Historia” by Julieta Venegas
9/29 “En Realidad” by Angela Aguilar
9/30 “Blue Sofa” by The Plugz

Tejanx
10/1 “Lemon Tree” by Trini Lopez
10/2 “Volver, Volver” by Piñata Protest
10/3 “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom” by Selena
10/4 “I Can't Stop Loving You” by Freddy Fender
10/5 “Estas Tocando Fuego” by La Mafia
10/6 “Wolves” by Selena Gomez
10/7 “Dance With Me” by Los Lonely Boys
10/8 “Quedate” by Emilio Navaira

Cuban-American
10/9 “Get On Your Feet” by Gloria Estefan
10/10 “Feel This Moment” by Pitbull feat Christina Aguilera
10/11 “Voices In My Head” by Al Jourgensen
10/12 “Cuban Pete” by Desi Arnaz
10/13 “Just Another Day” by Jon Secada
10/14 “My Old Friend” by Beato Band
10/15 “Un Nuevo Amanecer” by Angela Alvarez
10/16 “Yo Viviré” by Celia Cruz

Nuyorican
10/17 “Oye Como Va” by Tito Puente
10/18 “El Watusi” by Ray Barretto
10/19 “Mr. Trumpet Man” by Richie Ray and Bobby Cruz
10/20 “Pa La Ocho Tambo” by Charlie and Eddie Palmieri
10/21 “Bang Bang” by Joe Cuba
10/22 “Idilio” by Willie Colón
10/23 “Pa Que Se Lo Gozen” by Tego Calderon
10/24 “Believe In Me” by Circa '95

10/26 “Save Me Now” by Billy Idol
10/27 “Up, Up and Away” by The 5th Dimension

10/29 “You're Standing On My Neck” by Splendora
10/30 “Maneater” by Hall & Oates
10/31 “Shoorah! Shoorah!” by Betty Wright

Next year's party

Happy Halloween!

I am not really doing a lot for it this year. 

There is some themed reading, but I am not visiting a lot of attractions, or dressing up, or carving pumpkins. I am not even doing that many Halloween songs, though there will be more about that Friday.

That's not all just being tired and poor; some of it was the sabbatical travel, which meant having less time.

However, we did still do our traditional family viewing: The 'burbs; It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown; Garfield's Halloween Adventure, and (of course) The Halloween that Almost Wasn't:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0316318/

This was a television movie from 1979 with Judd Hirsch as Dracula and Mariette Hartley as the Witch.

I am pretty sure that it aired on the Disney channel in the early '80s, and that's where we saw it. The point is that with possibly only one viewing at the time, this eminently quotable movie entered the minds and hearts of my sisters and I, and we love it!

It was not easy to find, but we eventually got a DVD copy. It is under the alternative title that is much less representative: The Night Dracula Saved the World. (The world is never in danger -- just Halloween -- and that is plenty compelling.)

Yes, the movie is silly and cheesy and for kids and all of those things, but we find it incredibly fun. Is it just because we saw it at the right age and time? Because I know a lot of people are into Halloweentown and Hocus Pocus and we are not them. 

There isn't any easy way of knowing if it's just us, because no one we have mentioned it to has seen the movie. 

Next year there is going to be a viewing.

If no one else gets it, the movie is half an hour and they will survive (though my respect for their taste my take a hit).

If others are into it, hurrah! We will have spread the love.

Obviously that is almost a year away, so this is not even at the save-the-date stage, but if you are interested, it's not too early to let me know.

And if you have seen it, leave a comment!

TERF Month

I had been thinking of this section of the reading as TERF month and counter-programming, except that seems to focus on the worst part of it. Splitting it up into the most logical division, there are two consecutive weeks of it that are frustrating. 

Even the terminology is frustrating: I am not sure that and of the authors involved are radical feminists by the most strict definition. For one definition I read, it seems like a Radical Feminist should not even be able to be Trans-Exclusive. Perhaps it was that conflict that led to the TERF acronym.

Probably a better overall term is transphobe.

Regardless, as transphobes became more aggressive over the past few years, I would find out that the authors of various books that I intended to read were transphobic. That made me more reluctant to read the books, but I did not feel quite right letting them go either. 

There were a total of five books that were in this category. I ended up (with some inspiration that I will go into later) deciding to put them together with some other books that were more pro-transgender in an attempt to maintain balance.

That was the counter-programming, and it ended up exceeding expectations. I started out with two books in mind and found some really strong additions. That number is at more like 11 now, though there are some books that it could be questionable to count... we'll go over all of that.

For this post, here are three books by authors that appear to be transphobic:

Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado Pérez

We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

In Search of Our Mothers' Gardens: Womanist Prose by Alice Walker

They are really good, each in their own individual way.

Invisible Women aggregates important patterns in bias that relate to health and safety and the overall well-being of not just women but society in general.

We Should All Be Feminists is brief but covers some important ground in terms of how so many times people try to define feminism into something different, probably because it is too hard and ugly to fight what feminism actually is.

In Search of Our Mothers' Gardens has a quote I saved that seems to relate to my life now. That probably makes it the one that touched me the most, though as a collection of essays the impact of each individual one varied. However, just the reminder that there was a time, even in my lifetime (though early) that Zora Neale Hurston was practically unknown, and Their Eyes Were Watching God was not even in print... there has been progress. Alice Walker is a part of that progress and it matters.

I just also wish they would get over their prejudices. 

I understand them to some extent; in many ways they are reflecting society. 

I can also imagine that for Criado Pérez -- where so much of her focus relates to general differences between male and female bodies -- that I suppose it could lead to being more gender-essentialist. Looking a bit deeper, though, those standards surely do not fit all male bodies. We can open up more in general, considering other differences without losing sight of gender bias. 

I believe we can do multiple things. 

That leaves this remaining frustration; why can't you be better? 

Which is a fair question for anyone. However, when you have managed to see the problems with gender bias, and often also racial and class bias, anti-immigrant bias... you've come so far!

Please let's work on this next step.

Focus

I wrote For now, last Tuesday's post, the night before. 

I usually try to write ahead anyway; I believe it increases the quality and I know it decreases the stress. My extra motivation was that I had an early morning doctor's appointment Tuesday, which was going to make the morning hectic.

I have been doing appointments early when possible because it is too stressful worrying about being able to get the time off after making the appointment, or scheduling the time off first and then not getting the appointment. I start at 9:30, so if I can drag myself in somewhere between 7:15 to 7:45, I can be done in time for work. 

I never love going to the doctor, but I was kind of dreading it more because my most recent A1c was not as good as I had been hoping. I had been doing pretty well, but when things went spiraling out of control in June/July, it threw my sleep off pretty badly. 

The most important variables for my blood sugar (assuming the medication is where it should be) are my water consumption and the amount of sleep I am getting; that's where changes make the most difference.

I may have written this already, but I had been doing pretty well getting to bed around 11:30. My sense was that if I could start getting to bed at 10:30, I would really have something. Unfortunately, my natural inclination is to be a night owl. It had taken effort to get to where 11:30 was regular, and I was going to put in more effort to get to 10:30.

Then came the stressful phone calls and the hospital trips and waiting for updates. 

I lost a lot of ground.

Even when that situation had stabilized (an overly optimistic term), I had not.

Oddly, no matter how much I berate myself for staying up late -- kind of worrying/kind of vegetating, and really quite pointless -- it does not get me into bed any faster.

I had started getting back on track, averaging 11:38 PM. My blood sugar scores were getting back into range, but I was still not happy.

As we were discussing it, I found myself telling the doctor that if I get my sleep under control over these next few months, I'll be set for life.

I had not thought of it that way before, but yes, if I can make it through open enrollment and garnished wages and holidays and my mother's decline and so much that I want to do in so little time... if over the course of that I can get on track where I am actually making myself/allowing myself to/managing my life so I can get enough sleep...

I can probably do it under any circumstance that comes along.

I feel like I need to do this. Maybe that's why.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/07/please-excuse-gina-for-not-writing.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/08/the-new-stress.html

Classic Children's Books of Queer Representation

Next Friday I will post about the most recently completed reading "month". 

As I was starting it, it occurred to me that I should check out some kind of related books that had been quite notorious in their time.

Daddy's Roommate by Michael Willhoite (1990)

Heather Has Two Mommies by Lesléa Newman, illustrated by Diane Souza (1989)

And Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell, illustrated by Henry Cole (2005)

I would say they are all very sweet and simple books with no reason to object, except that decades later people are still trying to ban books and preventing even the utterance of the word "gay".

(One note: the first edition of Heather Has Two Mommies references artificial insemination -- which did draw some objections -- but it was later removed and not in the edition I read.)

For my personal opinions, I like the artwork in Daddy's Roommate more that in Heather Has Two Mommies, but Heather Has Two Mommies is more broadly representative. When her classmates talk about their families, there are multiple different configurations, not only of gender and race but there is even some disability representation.

(And oddly, but it also seems appropriate, both of these books seem to be set in Boston.)

Newman wrote her book after being asked by some lesbian parents who did not see themselves anywhere. That may have caused her to approach it differently.  

Personally my favorite was And Tango Makes Three. I worry that is just so typical of a straight person, but I found the backstory really interesting and I love penguins.

I did try and find a little about the controversies at the time, though Wikipedia has some conflicting reports. 

On one page it talks about the library in Wasilla, Alaska refusing to shelve the books, but then in another it was that they did shelve the books, but councilwoman Sarah Palin objected and fired the librarian, who was rehired after an outcry. 

I am more interested in two other criticisms, both from the page on Heather Has Two Mommies. 

One was a concern that schools should not celebrate one type of family structure over another. The book is very clear that all families are valid, and includes some with straight, married, parents. I feel that is very much a case of reinterpreting equal rights as special rights. Mentioning is not automatically promotion, and certainly not automatically a competition either.

The other was a little more thoughtful, but still had some really wrong points.

One complains that the book is more about the kids at the preschool and Heather's relationship with her class, and that by showing Heather's family as equivalent to heterosexual families, it "dequeers" them. That includes a complaint about Heather being sad about not having a daddy, when some of the other kids do, because that makes it a bad thing. 

While this day of class is clearly the first time Heather realizes her family is not identical to all others, that would be an actual milestone. Then each child draws a picture of their own family, in all their diversity, and the teacher confirms that all of these structures are valid. 

Let me reference Sarah Palin again. When she was banning books and firing librarians, a fellow councilwoman asked her if she had read the book:

"I don't need to read that stuff."

I bet she says that a lot. Regardless, some of these criticisms do make you wonder if the critics really read the book, or just reacted to it. They seem to be missing the point.

There is another point, though.

A child learning that other family structures exist, wondering about it -- perhaps with strong emotions since they are a child -- and then reconciling with that, as well as a book that allows other children to understand that they will meet people with different kinds of families, and that's okay... that book fills a definite, necessary role.

It is not the only possible role. 

It was a reasonable one for Newman to write after being asked, but no one book can fill all needs, and it's great that there are lots of different books.

It is true that back then there was not a lot to choose from, but they filled a role. 

There was an episode of Modern Family where Mitchell has a story for Lily about her adoption. He and Cam briefly think about trying to get it published, for representation, but at the bookstore they find many books about gay parents, gay adoption, gay international adoption... That was 2011.

Things have gotten better. 

There are still people who find it a threat if someone different from them is called valid.

We need to stay on top of that.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daddy%27s_Roommate

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heather_Has_Two_Mommies

For now

When I posted "A Cheerful Receiver" there was a bigger question behind it. I was hinting at it, but I hadn't resolved it over the following week. "Text-cards" is something I'd been thinking about, and it relates, but it was also a punt because I didn't know what I wanted to say.

It appears that it is not time for the answer. 

Going back to those issues with receiving gifts and even asking for fair compensation... I had not been able to identify whether that is pride or unworthiness or other factors. 

The question came up -- and a conversation with a friend was again critical -- if I might not be blocking some financial success. 

To the extent that sounds like power-of-postive-thinking/the-secret/law-of-attraction, I have a certain amount of skepticism. Yes, I have observed self-sabotage and that can be a real thing, but I am also aware that especially in the realm of economics, there are factors that a positive mindset would not fix. There are so many people one missed paycheck away from disaster, not to mention all those who have actually been hit by the disaster, and saying they just aren't trying hard enough or being confident enough gets me kind of punchy.

My firmly believing that does not rule out that I might not be serving my own interests either. 

One thought that was really clear was that it is not good enough for only my problems to be solved. Okay. If I am saying that I can't have some financial security until everyone else does, though, that is almost certainly not practical.

The unanswered question is what can it be right for me to hope for?

It was bugging me that I couldn't figure it out.

Here's the other thing that I knew, though: I need to go through this open enrollment.

Open enrollment is roughly October through December when people on Medicare plans can change for the upcoming year. Calls get really busy. Not only is it hard to stay caught up with work, but I also can't just snap out of it at the end of a shift, so it affects my time off work as well.

I really didn't want to go through it again.

I was considering other possibilities, and none of them were right. I feel I need to do this.

I don't think I will know my next step until after. 

I do have lots of things that I need to read and think about, and my brain will be worked harder so I will need to show myself some grace over the next three months.

I do feel that need to reach out to friends more, and also to be more aware of how I am taking care of my body (see if I can get through it without my shoulder seizing up again). 

I need to find ways to feel like I am contributing and doing some good, without a lot of time and money..

It is quite possible that somewhere in here, my mother will die. 

It's a lot, but it feels necessary.

Good thing I'm stubborn when I'm committed.

Barney Miller: The Election

I was not going to write about this one.

Episode 5 of Season 3, "The Election" is set on Election Day 1976, when Americans chose Jimmy Carter over Gerald Ford. The episode aired (and was filmed) before the election, so the results were unknown. 

They focus instead on voting. 

One shoplifter still needs to get to the polls. He slips out of custody from the voting booth, but takes that time to pay for the stolen items before returning himself to the precinct. 

Wojo has proudly voted, and wants to know how others are voting. He is unable to get a satisfactory answer. Harris does admit to being a Republican, though he does not specify support for Ford. Dietrich does not discuss politics, Yemana is regarding the election mainly in terms of bets placed, and the secrecy of the ballot -- and a probable desire to avoid influencing the men he leads -- keeps Barney from being willing to answer.

Barney also acknowledges there are other races, though most people are focusing on the presidential one.

Luger is focusing on a local race, encouraging others to vote for the candidate he knows, a name familiar to the people he talks to for some corruption allegations while over sanitation.

I am fine with their desire to not commit further. It would be reasonable to guard against exerting undue influence. It also avoids alienating viewers who disagree, and having fictional characters back a real candidate with a chance of losing.

My issue is with the way they explored voting in the other plot.

A call comes into the precinct because a man was hit in the head with a toilet seat that appeared to have come from a third floor window. It had "HELP" written on it.

The seat was thrown by Edna Relkie (Brett Somers), whose husband locked her in the bathroom to prevent her from voting. 

The detectives take it very seriously as a violation of civil rights, which is good. 

Her husband is arrested and claims it was to prevent her vote from canceling out his, and that he has studied the issues and she is ignorant. That would be a typical attitude in a case like this.

There may be three ways in which they get it wrong.

First, they make him a Democrat, locking her up because she said she was going to vote Republican. There is a reason why that might work, but in general, locking women up so they can't vote and ruin things would be more of a Republican move.

Second, he then casts everything as her dominating him; he was considerate to lock her in the bathroom instead of the closet. His parting shot is that he used to be taller than her.

If she was the dominating one, it seems unlikely that he would have been inclined or able to lock her up. 

There is another aspect to that which makes it more important, but the part I initially hated was that then she was asking everyone how to vote, decided not to vote when no one would tell her, and Barney's solution was to close her eyes while choosing.

I suppose the backstory you could add is that the whole thing shook her confidence, causing her to doubt her initial inclination to vote Republican. I feel what they are really doing is playing into feminine stereotypes and giving into backlash against feminism. I do not appreciate it.

When I was writing about when Barney Miller gets women wrong specifically, I did not cite this episode, but I did think of it. Still, I hadn't thought it required any additional comment.

I just finished Survivor Injustice by Kylie Cheung Wednesday. 

It covers many types of interpersonal violence and abuse, but interfering with voting is a pretty common one and how it starts. However, it is generally only one part of the abuse. 

Where they may have gotten it right is that it is not limited to one party. The book did acknowledge that as a matter of policy support, there is some similarity to Republican policies, but there are abusers on both sides.

There were stories of canvassers coming upon women who were scared to talk, or not allowed to talk when their partner intruded on the conversation. There were women who could not register to vote so as not to allow their abusive ex to locate their new address. There was a woman whose husband accompanied her into the voting booth, telling the workers that she was slow and needed help. There was the woman who didn't vote because she was afraid of running into her abusive ex again.

While going to polling places does not affect us here in Oregon, if you live with someone who is abusive and controlling, they may not let you fill out your ballot and mail it as desired.

As I was reading that, I kept thinking of this episode and getting mad.

I understand they are trying to make it funny; they probably were not thinking about how terrible some women do have it, because again, there were the occasional wife-beating jokes. I don't think they really would think a woman getting beaten up is funny, probably, but it's that paternalism, where women don't really have it that bad, bless their hearts.

The episode bothered me -- despite my love for the series -- and now it bothers me more.

Text-cards

I think a lot about being connected more.

One of the ideas came about when we were in San Diego. My sisters were noticing that you don't see postcards now the way you used to. There are not as many for sale, and often more drawn than photographed.

I assume that is because people are buying them less, and that factors in that include people not sending as much mail in general, but also people taking photos with their phone and then uploading them... there would be less demand.

It occurred to me, though, that I could send text postcards: snap a photo and send it to a friend saying "Wish you were here!"

I tried that in front of the turtle enclosure, but the picture didn't go through.

It still seemed like the idea had some promise.

I got another friend's cell phone number to see if we might be able to get together while I was kind of in the area. I got the number late; we did not get together and I did not sent any pictures.

That was mainly timing, but the other issue is that when we go places, I am using a camera instead of my phone. I take lots of pictures, but not that way. Still, I could potentially whip the phone out, if I remembered.

I have since obtained one more friend's cell phone number, and texted that friend a picture that I thought she would like. Progress!

With a long way to go.

Barney Miller: The Child Stealers

It is hard to pick a favorite episode, but this one -- episode 15 of season 6 -- is right near the top.

Part of that is our love for Marty and Darryl, played by Jack DeLeon and Ray Stewart, but I would not write a post just for that. There is a dynamic in play that I think is really important, but that gets overlooked.

Marty and Darryl are both gay men. We first meet Marty as a purse snatcher and shoplifter, but Darryl always seems to have been well off financially. Reading one thing about this episode, the writer mentioned Darryl's clothing (a suit and overcoat) as a move away from the stereotype. Even when he is dressed more flamboyantly it is with excellent taste, including a handmade sweater from Italy.

I think the suit is because he is being business-like, wanting to be taken seriously; his ex-wife is no longer honoring the visitation granted in their custody agreement. 

Captain Miller is sympathetic, but that is outside of their jurisdiction. When Marty and Darryl try and snatch Darryl's son Jason from his school, that is very much in police jurisdiction.

For queer representation, this episode is more important for Officer Zatelli outing himself when tensions get high as Eleanor -- Darryl's ex-wife -- insinuates that her son should not be corrupted by exposure to the gay lifestyle.

That was not really her problem.

In fact, there had been a growing resentment that when Jason was with Darryl, his time consisted of going to Broadway shows and the ballet and the best restaurants, and then she had to be the one telling him to do his homework and go to bed and that they couldn't afford truffles.

The custodial parent having to be the heavy while the non-custodial parent gets to be the fun one is a common enough conflict that it has shown up in other television shows, and in real life.

While it was not discussed, it was also always more likely that the man was going to have more financial resources. We have been talking about gender-based pay disparity for years without much progress, and this was 1980.

Getting those issues worked out is not easy in the best of circumstances. As things get worked out, Eleanor asks Darryl to bore Jason once in a while. Maybe it would be nice if he gifted her tickets sometimes, or invited her to dinner. Once the worst of the tension subsides, you can tell there is still affection between them.

(That is one of the things I admire about acting: the performers having probably never worked together before, and yet you feel all of this unstated backstory.)

I would say that I know a surprising number of couples who have gotten married and then split up because one of them was gay, except it's not really a surprising number. I am Mormon, and my friends were largely getting married in the 90s. Things were starting to get better, but a lot of people were still remaining in the closet and feeling pressured to do so. They were not all from church either.

Who knew that getting married to someone of the opposite sex would not relieve the pressure?

Some of the eventual breakups were more acrimonious than others. I can only imagine the hurt and sense of betrayal. That so many of them have been able to successfully co-parent is a wonderful thing. 

That is worth thinking about, but here is the point that I really want to make...

It was easy for Eleanor to blame it on Darryl's sexual orientation.

Maybe it was embarrassing to admit that she was jealous and frustrated, but it was easy to not even mention that because so many people were going to be supportive. If there was still some sting from losing her husband because he was gay, maybe that's just gravy.

As long as we have groups that are marginalized, people will use that. 

Sometimes they are just being jerks, but taking those easy targets can keep us from really getting at the root.

Cutting Jason off from his father wasn't good for anyone. She might have been able to influence a judge to cut off visitation because of Darryl's sexual orientation, but who would that have helped? She would have been left with her resentment, her son would have one less person who loves him available, and Darryl would have been very hurt (which would only bring a temporary and wrong satisfaction to Eleanor).

The truth sets us free, but sometimes it requires digging.

A Cheerful Receiver

If asking to be paid for work was hard, simply receiving has its own difficulty.

Technically I have been poor since 2016. That was when I was laid off at the same time that my mother started to get worse. It was clear that the right thing to do was to stay with her, and that remains clear. 

That does not mean that I clearly understood how things would go.

From about that point, almost any time friends took me out they were treating me. I didn't feel great about it, but I do have good friends and it was also possible to believe it was temporary.

Well, it was temporary. I started working again and started to dig my way out of the whole. I even bought a friend lunch on one excursion.

Then the garnishment started.

No one is being terrible about it. Being open about it probably helps. I don't have any illusions that everyone reads my blog, but there is information out there, and I am certainly past the point of trying to hide a shameful secret.

That doesn't mean I am over it bothering me, which does seem like something to work on. How much of it is pride? How much of it is feelings of unworthiness? How much am I caught up in societal expectations despite all I know about the flaws of unbridled capitalism and the absolute fallacy of a meritocracy?

I am not sure. 

There are a few thoughts that keep bumping around on my path to wholeness.

One is a memory from three years ago. It feels like it's been longer.

At that point I had started getting some pay for caring for Mom, so I had some money but not much. I had $10, and I strongly felt that I needed to give it to someone. Remembering it, I remember it feeling awkward to offer it and worse because it was so little. I had kind of forgotten how big an offering it would have been for me. I was remembering only having $10 cash, but in fact that would have been a pretty big chunk of my available funds in any form.

I remember awkwardly tendering the offer, and her saying "I accept it with a good heart."

Which was what I needed to hear.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/04/re-becoming-somebody.html

I also keep thinking about some of the people who are always participating in mutual aid. They give to others, and they draw attention to the needs of others, but they also ask when they need it.

Is it hard for them? Is it easier because they do so much to help others? Does that help them know it's okay?

Are they just more evolved, where they not only intellectually understand the need for mutual aid but feel it emotionally as well?

I mean, given that my past baggage had a lot to do with having to take responsibility for everyone else first, and put others over me, I might be a little behind in getting there.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to help people, but sometimes it is also necessary to be helped. 

I'm still trying to work that out.

Classic television: Barney Miller

One sisterly project has been watching or re-watching classic television on DVDs so there are no parts missing. I use "classic" to mean that we like it, but they have mostly been from the '70s and '80s.

We just started Daria, which is more recent. Before that we finished seasons 1-5 of Designing Women. (The last two seasons of that series are not classic.)

Before that we finished Barney Miller. I have been wanting to write about it, but I wanted to finish a certain book first, and things just happen.

I really love the show, with a deep affection for most of the cast. I have to consider that such a positive portrayal of the police is fictional, but even in the context of the show, graft and racism and harassment are common not just in other cities but also in other precincts.

You can observe a deliberate effort to do good and create empathy. That is not just with a multi-racial cast but also with a wide variety of people passing through the precinct, as both crime victims and criminals, most of whom are at least somewhat sympathetic.

You can easily tell that the creative team was up on the current psychology and influenced by that.

That is where some of the weaknesses come in.

The creators were in contact with gay advocacy groups at the time, and worked with them to improve their portrayals. This led to some memorable gay characters, but there was also this attempt to work out why they were gay. 

This was true to the time. About ten years later, I still remember the sister-in-law of a young gay man telling us how he had 7 of the 8 traits that led to homosexuality, including a domineering mother. 

That's not how it works, but that definitely would have been the prevailing theory at the time, along with icebox mothers and smothering mothers.

It is worth noting that the great gay characters they showed were all white men. Diversity beyond that was harder to come by.

That still put them ahead of other shows at the time, but there were other ways in which they really could have used some conversations with women to improve those portrayals.

As it was, none of their attempts to introduce women officers worked well (Battista was the best, and may that was because being short and Puerto Rican gave her something besides being "the girl"), wife-beating was a not uncommon punch line, and they completely missed the point on marital rape.

That was probably also very much in line with the prevailing thoughts of the time, including if you spoke to psychiatrists; the psychiatrists they spoke to were almost certainly white men.

There are things that grate. 

Of course, sometimes the issue is that you are going for a laugh, and you seek it where it isn't funny.

This is where Dietrich becomes my least favorite character. Supposed to be an incredibly intelligent and informed person, he still will often say things that are completely inappropriate, simply for their comedic value. That turned out to be something racist at Yemana surprisingly often. They often made effective jokes about Nick being assumed to be Chinese when he was Japanese-American, but too often if it was coming from Dietrich it was something reducing Nick to his Asian-ness. 

Nick was so much more than that.

Dietrich was the worst part of "The Harris Incident", which covers some important ground, and still has some solid humor. 

His jokes too often ended up being cheap.

I don't intend for this to reflect badly on the actor, Steve Landesberg; it was the material he was given. It's fitting, really; Dietrich is good at annoying that Harris and this one.

This post is not just to say that the show was not perfect and that I know it was not perfect. It is worth noting that the weaknesses came from not listening enough to the marginalized, even when there was sympathy and intent to do good. This is a common problem. Even with more understanding of how racism is part of a structure, and not just a personal feeling, we often don't do enough to work through that.

I also wanted to go over the show in general before focusing on one specific episode that has a subtle but important point, and was also very funny.

Next Friday!

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/06/7-television-shows-to-get-to-know-me.html

A hard ask

I don't like asking for things in general.

I'm sure some of that is feminine socialization. More of it might be the specific inferiority complex that I picked up from my childhood, where I knew that we were poor and felt like I was a nuisance. 

As much progress as I have made, a lot of that lingers. "Leaning in" would be difficult.

Obviously, being in worse financial circumstances now, that is going to come up more.

There were some battles with my sisters over the years, but we have worked through that, where I can ask them for help now, though I do try and limit it. They are going to get the brunt of the garnishment, especially Julie.

There was something else that I had to do. 

Somewhere between where I knew the garnishment was coming and before it started, I was asked to help a friend with updating his resume and generating a cover letter. He said he would pay.

I did not say that he did not have to pay, but I also did not set any specifics because I was not planning on charging him.

There are a few reasons for that. Certainly, if people need help job hunting, I am generally assuming they don't have money to spare. If you're my friend I want to help you. Also, I don't have any special expertise in job hunting materials. Any ability I have with that comes from my language skills and knowledge of psychology, but the last time I was actually taught how to do it was Personal Finance class in high school, meaning I always have to check current trends when starting a new one. 

Is it even reasonable to charge for that?

(Internet research also revealed that those who do charge ask for $125 to $175 for a cover letter. That seems high for the amount of effort required.)

Another development related to Maria often asking me to do things for her. They are usually more busywork or artwork for her classroom, and says she will pay. Historically I have not pressed, and often payment was forgotten.

Lately I have been having her pay. If it is actually worth something to her, why not?

So it occurred to me that I needed to ask for payment for the cover letter.

I hated doing that so much. Even just writing about it now -- when I have already received the money and spent it -- my stomach knots up thinking about it.

It's not his fault. He agreed, sent the money quickly, and would have paid more if I had pressed. (Obviously, I did not charge $175.)

I think it was important to do. I don't like it. I may have to do more of it.

I know some people have this philosophy that everything happens for a specific reason for you... I don't. A bunch of free agents crashing around within the structures that were built by previous generations creates plenty of opportunities. Sometimes the reason is that some people are just jerks.

However, I also believe in the possibility of divine intervention, and frequent guidance, and I believe we should learn things from our experiences.

I may have an issue I need to resolve.

Daily Songs 1995 - 1999

I do still like periodically exploring songs by decade. I do still remember some of these songs from back when they were new. 

Some of these I remember from movie or television ads, or in rare cases my sisters played them.

Real McCoy and Gin Blossoms were great discoveries when I got back from my mission and back into college. "Macarena" I know because they taught us how to do it at a dorm meeting, so I got in on that one a little early, while it was still mainly in clubs.

It was fun sharing "Barbie Girl" shortly after seeing the movie. If I'd seen the movie sooner, I might have used "Push" instead of "3AM" for 1996. I did use "Closer to Fine" for 1989, but that was over a year ago now.

The big difference I found this time is that I could not manage to go through and listen to all the unfamiliar songs. I tried.

It is not necessarily that there are fewer songs that I like during the second half of the 90s, though that could be an influence. It is more that I did not have the time and patience to make the effort. Life got too hard.

I don't know if I will ever get back to reviewing bands, let alone two a week. Maybe I don't need to know what songs were from what year, and be able to recognize all the hits.

I will still always be thinking about music.

Daily Songs

8/1 “Run Away” by Real McCoy
8/2 “Til I Hear It From You” by Gin Blossoms
8/3 “Roll To Me” by Del Amitri
8/4 “Gangsta's Paradise” by Coolio
8/5 “Kiss From A Rose” by Seal
8/6 “In the House of Stone and Light” by Martin Page
8/7 “I Know” by Dionne Farris
8/8 “As I Lay Me Down” by Sophie B. Hawkins
8/9 “Good” by Better Than Ezra
8/10 “Runaway” by Janet Jackson

1996

8/11 “Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix)” by Los Del Rio
8/12 “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman
8/13 “Counting Blue Cars” by Dishwalla
8/14 “Follow You Down” by Gin Blossoms
8/15 “Name” by Goo Goo Dolls
8/16 “Only Wanna Be With You” by Hootie & the Blowfish
8/17 “3AM” by Matchbox Twenty
8/18 “One Headlight” by Wallflowers
8/19 “Breakfast At Tiffany's” by Deep Blue Something
8/20 “Missing” by Everything But The Girl

1997

8/21 “MMMBop” by Hansen
8/22 “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind
8/23 “Barely Breathing” by Duncan Sheik
8/24 “When You're Gone” by The Cranberries
8/25 “Sonny Came Home” by Shawn Colvin
8/26 “Barbie Girl” by Aqua
8/27 “When You Love a Woman” by Journey
8/28 “Unbreak My Heart” by Toni Braxton
8/29 “Foolish Games” by Jewel
8/30 “Where Do You Go” by No Mercy

1998

8/31 “All For You” by Sister Hazel
9/1 “Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden
9/2 “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies
9/3 “The Mummer's Dance” by Loreena McKennit
9/4 “I Don't Want To Wait” by Paula Cole
9/5 “How's It Going To Be” by Third Eye Blind
9/6 “Bitter Sweet Symphony” by The Verve
9/7 “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba
9/8 “The One I Gave My Heart To” by Aaliyah
9/9 “Closing Time: by Semisonic

1999

9/10 “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer
9/11 “Every Morning” by Sugar Ray
9/12 “Slide” by Goo Goo Dolls
9/13 “Learn To Fly” by Foo Fighters
9/14 “Fly Away” by Lenny Kravitz
9/15 “Unpretty” by TLC
9/16 “She's So High” by Tal Bachman
9/17 “Amazed” by Lonestar
9/18 “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind
9/19 “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan