The new stress

Perhaps I should clarify that I am running at a higher stress level with my mother now, regardless. I think the events previously covered took us down a level, and I don't know how many levels we have left.

That is stress, but mainly in a way that makes me feel sad. This new one is more like sudden knots in the stomach, or an increase in breathing that seems like it might be going into a panic attack, but it doesn't get all the way there.

Brief review: In 2016 I was laid off and became my mother's full-time caregiver up when I realized she could not be safely left alone. That lasted until 2020, by which time she had lost all attachment to us and the pets and the house, and then after a very discouraging search I found a new job in 2021.

I lost a lot of ground financially during that time.

On the mortgage level, that has been resolved by a refinancing that changed the 30-year mortgage to a 40-year mortgage. That means that even though if you add up all of the payments, I have paid more than the value of the house once, but I will still have to do it three more times. 

There was no similar resolution for my commercial debt. I never got to the point where I was making enough money to pay that back. Periodically I would get offers to have the debt reduced if I would make a big payment, but that also required having money which I did not have.

I kept all the numbers in a spreadsheet, updating when I would get notifications about one of the debts being sold. I always hoped for a breakthrough, where I would be able to make some headway, but things never got better enough.

This Friday, my wages start being garnished.

For this particular stress, a big part of it is fear: how will I keep making the house payment? Or utilities? 

There are smaller things, like maybe sometimes being able to give someone a few bucks, or to order food in. It doesn't add up to enough to make payments, but it does make life better. There's going to be less of that.

I know the standard example is a daily $5 coffee or avocado toast. I spend less than that on myself, but for the record, a year's worth of $5 coffees would not equal one of the payoff amounts. Trying to cut enough to get a monthly payment... it's just not there.

I have to say, though, that a really big part of the stress initially was just the shame.

I know that is intended.

I actually did say in my job interview that if they were going to do a credit check it would not look good. They said they didn't do that, so, it's not like there were any shattered illusions. Still, my employer knows that I am a deadbeat. 

Looking over that paperwork, I feel so worthless. Loser!

I was really conscientious before. One of the debt collectors even mentioned it, back at the beginning. Eventually I just stopped answering the phone, because there was nothing new to say. I got used to not being able to pay.

Now I am still not able to pay, and yet I will be paying.

That is probably going to get worse before it gets better.

When I don't have a few bucks to give someone else, that will probably sting. I mean, I've been there lots of times, but this will be worse. 

Wanting things will be worse, but it may not be that bad. My needs are pretty simple.

When my sisters plan a trip, they will probably still take me. I like having some spending money of my own, but that's my problem. 

I could have it so much worse, and I know that, but you don't stop feeling things just for knowing that.

I am not feeling so hot.

I am trying to reject the stigma.