Unlimited carry-on

This one is going to be harder to explain. I may have to spread it out over multiple posts.

I think I mentioned earlier this series of dreams where my mother was gradually becoming more impaired and then disappearing, with more detail about her disappearance. They were getting progressively more horrible. That seems like pretty clear symbolism that as her dementia progresses, I get a clearer picture of that loss. 

There was recently a new dream that was much more positive. I was taking my mother back to see her family, and trying to remember my way to one aunt's apartment. This particular aunt died shortly after our last visit. Just as I remembered where to go, we got to a lobby and an elevator door opened and my aunt was there. 

I had not been worried about my aunt being dead, but I had been worried about whether Mom would recognize her and be happy to see her. They instantly embraced and were very happy and that was okay.

Yes, fairly clear symbolism there too, but this is good, and it corresponds to my beliefs, which still does not mean that event will be all happy feelings, I know.

One reason I hedged on accepting that meaning for the dream is that I was also traveling with my sisters and our father. 

Now, you can argue that my sisters and I are on this journey together, so it makes sense that they are there; not so for Dad! What was he doing there?

Another frequent dream occurrence that I don't believe I have written about is where I am trying to make my way into or home from work (and over a decade later, it is usually Intel), but I have my mother and I am trying to drag her along to my cubicle or get her situated, and it makes things harder.

She has not been my primary responsibility for a little over three years, but she was for a long time, and she still takes up a lot of my worry (and the hospice calls do come when I am working most of the time) so, yes, there is a way in which I am still carrying her with me.

I realized that my father is still always with me. I have made a lot of progress, but the impact of the years and the ways they have shaped my path are all still there.

This is why they call it baggage; it travels with you. Sometimes it is heavy.

For review, previously a lot of my baggage was this sense from before I can remember that there was something wrong with me, along with a sense of needing to try and fix everything and take care of everybody. I eventually was able to attribute that to misplaced responsibility for my father's own unhappiness with... himself, but it was always blamed on everyone else; I just took it more personally.

The way I dealt with that was trying not to feel anything, but there would be times (mostly during movies) when I could sense this deep pain, and it felt like it would just destroy me if I let it all out.

Sorting that out was important, and it has led to me feeling things more, without stuffing them down. This leaves room to feel other things.

What I am remembering now is my big frustration with my mother, from before all this, when her mind was still sharp. 

I'll feel more guilt for anything I say there, but I believe in healing, and I believe it requires truth. 

However, we have spent so much time on my father that I can wait and start with my mother next time.

Well, actually, I will probably start with a movie.