For now

When I posted "A Cheerful Receiver" there was a bigger question behind it. I was hinting at it, but I hadn't resolved it over the following week. "Text-cards" is something I'd been thinking about, and it relates, but it was also a punt because I didn't know what I wanted to say.

It appears that it is not time for the answer. 

Going back to those issues with receiving gifts and even asking for fair compensation... I had not been able to identify whether that is pride or unworthiness or other factors. 

The question came up -- and a conversation with a friend was again critical -- if I might not be blocking some financial success. 

To the extent that sounds like power-of-postive-thinking/the-secret/law-of-attraction, I have a certain amount of skepticism. Yes, I have observed self-sabotage and that can be a real thing, but I am also aware that especially in the realm of economics, there are factors that a positive mindset would not fix. There are so many people one missed paycheck away from disaster, not to mention all those who have actually been hit by the disaster, and saying they just aren't trying hard enough or being confident enough gets me kind of punchy.

My firmly believing that does not rule out that I might not be serving my own interests either. 

One thought that was really clear was that it is not good enough for only my problems to be solved. Okay. If I am saying that I can't have some financial security until everyone else does, though, that is almost certainly not practical.

The unanswered question is what can it be right for me to hope for?

It was bugging me that I couldn't figure it out.

Here's the other thing that I knew, though: I need to go through this open enrollment.

Open enrollment is roughly October through December when people on Medicare plans can change for the upcoming year. Calls get really busy. Not only is it hard to stay caught up with work, but I also can't just snap out of it at the end of a shift, so it affects my time off work as well.

I really didn't want to go through it again.

I was considering other possibilities, and none of them were right. I feel I need to do this.

I don't think I will know my next step until after. 

I do have lots of things that I need to read and think about, and my brain will be worked harder so I will need to show myself some grace over the next three months.

I do feel that need to reach out to friends more, and also to be more aware of how I am taking care of my body (see if I can get through it without my shoulder seizing up again). 

I need to find ways to feel like I am contributing and doing some good, without a lot of time and money..

It is quite possible that somewhere in here, my mother will die. 

It's a lot, but it feels necessary.

Good thing I'm stubborn when I'm committed.