A Cheerful Receiver

If asking to be paid for work was hard, simply receiving has its own difficulty.

Technically I have been poor since 2016. That was when I was laid off at the same time that my mother started to get worse. It was clear that the right thing to do was to stay with her, and that remains clear. 

That does not mean that I clearly understood how things would go.

From about that point, almost any time friends took me out they were treating me. I didn't feel great about it, but I do have good friends and it was also possible to believe it was temporary.

Well, it was temporary. I started working again and started to dig my way out of the whole. I even bought a friend lunch on one excursion.

Then the garnishment started.

No one is being terrible about it. Being open about it probably helps. I don't have any illusions that everyone reads my blog, but there is information out there, and I am certainly past the point of trying to hide a shameful secret.

That doesn't mean I am over it bothering me, which does seem like something to work on. How much of it is pride? How much of it is feelings of unworthiness? How much am I caught up in societal expectations despite all I know about the flaws of unbridled capitalism and the absolute fallacy of a meritocracy?

I am not sure. 

There are a few thoughts that keep bumping around on my path to wholeness.

One is a memory from three years ago. It feels like it's been longer.

At that point I had started getting some pay for caring for Mom, so I had some money but not much. I had $10, and I strongly felt that I needed to give it to someone. Remembering it, I remember it feeling awkward to offer it and worse because it was so little. I had kind of forgotten how big an offering it would have been for me. I was remembering only having $10 cash, but in fact that would have been a pretty big chunk of my available funds in any form.

I remember awkwardly tendering the offer, and her saying "I accept it with a good heart."

Which was what I needed to hear.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/04/re-becoming-somebody.html

I also keep thinking about some of the people who are always participating in mutual aid. They give to others, and they draw attention to the needs of others, but they also ask when they need it.

Is it hard for them? Is it easier because they do so much to help others? Does that help them know it's okay?

Are they just more evolved, where they not only intellectually understand the need for mutual aid but feel it emotionally as well?

I mean, given that my past baggage had a lot to do with having to take responsibility for everyone else first, and put others over me, I might be a little behind in getting there.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to help people, but sometimes it is also necessary to be helped. 

I'm still trying to work that out.