I just keep putting this off

I mentioned earlier that I had been making good progress on my task list. There is one that I just finished, after promising myself to do so for a long time, and continually getting distracted. This was frustrating to me because it was for someone else, and I really wanted to do it, but also the thing that kept thwarting me is stupid, and embarrassing. Obviously I need to write about it.

I hope I have made it pretty clear that I am grateful for my religion because it gives me a lot of purpose and joy. I also feel exceptionally lucky to have been raised LDS, because some of the practices kept me from things where I would be very susceptible. With my longing for physical touch and doubts of the possibility of actually being loved, I could easily have been prey to a string of bad relationships. Actually, I had one friend where we had a lot in common, except for the religion, and yes, I can see how things might have gone.

Also, I have a kind of addictive personality. There is some history of the males on the Harris side having trouble with alcohol, and based on some of the doctor prescribed medication I have taken at times, drugs have a really strong effect on me. Also, I tend to be a little compulsive, so just the fact that I never even considered trying alcohol, tobacco, or other types of drugs seems really, really fortunate.

I say this realizing that my vices could be a lot worse, and I am lucky, but the vices that I do have are very frustrating, in addition to being really lame. I get addicted to games. Not even cool games, where lots of people are obsessing over them in a massive multi-player format or where you can make money off of them. No, at various times they have been Solitaire, Freecell, Spider Solitaire, Minesweeper, Marble Drop, Speed Marbles, Jewel Quest, Diamond Mine, and pretty much every type of Pac-Man (Regular, Plus, Super, and Pals) out there, plus Mappy which came with Ms. Pac-Man. Sometimes Sudoku is an issue, but it is easier not to spiral out of control on that one.

I think one thing that contributes to it is my tendency to be a little OCD. I fall into spells rather easily, and I do have great concentration, which is clearly being misused at these times. But always, even when I play really well, there is the thought that I can do better. That round was too easy, or that round was too hard, or I should try it this way. I can be really persistent too, but again, it is really misused here.

Where I start doing it, though, is due to procrastination. I think I will play one game of Spider Solitaire, or five rounds of Marble Drop, or something, and then start what I really need to do, and then I far exceed my allotted play time, not only not getting what I want done, but also generally staying up later than I should, which will then affect me into the next day.

I have never known a writer who does not procrastinate, so at least I come by it honestly, but it is really not helpful.

I know some of it is fear. With the one thing I was putting off, it was something that I wanted to do a good job on, but I was not confident in my ability to do so, and then the longer I was delaying the better I felt it had to be so it was worth the wait, and this was just not helpful. (It was helping someone with her resume.)

I think it is more so with the writing, though this is stupid. I mean, it doesn’t always come out well, but that’s what rewriting is for. In fact, sometimes you have to write something badly before you can write it well.

The frustrating thing is that I had actually stopped. I had a really good week where I was working full days and commuting and I would get home and write12-14 pages, which is amazing, and I tried to think what was different, and I think it was just that I was only writing and not procrastinating. However, I hit some scenes that were hard to write, and I had some things come up that made me broody (not a helpful coping mechanism, but I do it), and I fell off the wagon. Badly.

So, now I am trying to incorporate shame to get back on track. I am telling you that I do not intend to play any more. There are people who can do it with no ill effects, but not me.

Actually, I tried to block the web site, because while it is easy to give in to temptation and visit the site, I thought it would be significantly easier to resist going in a removing a block. However, again the lack of deeper technical knowledge becomes an issue. I may need to coax a geek to help me, and maybe to uninstall Windows Gadgets for me too, because I think it is dragging down my system performance.

For now though, telling you, in the hopes that the sense of shame and self-loathing will be deterrent enough when I make it public. In a way, it’s just a stupid little thing, but sometimes I worry that it is more.

There is a pretty famous quote from Marianne Williamson (often attributed to Nelson Mandela):

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I don’t know. I really think I am more afraid of being inadequate, but if I am meant to shine, I can’t be frittering my time away.