Learning to trust in me

In this process, taking a realistic view of things is important - you don't lend out money you can't afford to lose - but that in itself does not require trust; that was just learning that some things weren't about me.

That de-personalizing was huge, but it doesn't solve everything either. Even knowing that some people will be kind to you because they are good people can play tricks with your mind when you think that is the only reason anyone is kind to you. It can be so easy to see worth in everyone but you, and that's not what I was striving for.

For that last part, there are two things that helped. One is a matter of choice. I choose to be the kind of person I want around. I often don't have someone to listen to me, but I can listen. Sometimes I really want to be left alone to read my book or to think, but I still listen, because people need that.

Sometimes I also talk. I feel a need to greet someone or ask them a question or pay a compliment, and I feel like a nuisance but I do it anyway. It is often good.

Putting what I want in the world, and often seeing it go well, is empowering. That leads to the second help. Actually, I had written my own answer a few years ago.

It was back in the fan fiction, when Dante (old, desiccated, and fallen from his former glory) is trying to instruct Mikey (misunderstood teenager always ready to explode with anger) in Kung Fu (for which all of my knowledge comes from the internet).

Dante: I thought we needed to work on your mind, and we will, but we will start with part of kung fu deed: xin. Trust.

Mikey: How can I trust?

Dante: It is possible because it is necessary.

Mikey: Trust them? I can't even talk to them!

Dante: It is not merely trust for others. You must learn trust for yourself, trust for your body, trust for the laws of physics. Other trust will follow.

I ended up being proud of that section for what it was, but the pride was in creating something that felt real without feeling like it was about me at all. There was still truth in it for me.

I can trust because I can survive. I have loved and been rejected and survived. I have lost jobs and survived. I have been harassed for my political views and survived.

When my father and I reconciled after the first time he disowned me, it was a relief, but I also remember knowing at the time that if we ever fought again we would not make up. Because of that I was always very careful with him, extra thoughtful and acting as a peacemaker with everyone else.

There still came a time when there was another fight. It was a choice. There was something more important than keeping peace with my father, which was looking out for my mother. I survived that. I thought I would try and reconcile later, and found I didn't have the energy for it. That was still a choice, and I still survived.

That strength has been a long time building. Becoming open, where I can say anything and live with it, was built up over time. A lot of it happened through this blog, where I take ownership of my frailties, but also my abilities.

I believe there are good people. I believe in love. I believe in God and life after death. I believe in the power of kindness. That is why I can trust.