I think this is actually going to take me three
posts. Knowing me, doesn't that seem kind of typical? That's one of the points.
One big part of getting comfortable with trust was
that it stopped being personal. People are who they are. That can and does
change, but it's not really about you.
I had to unpack my own concerns about whether or not
I was lovable from it. That's okay, because that was one of the other topics,
so I was always going to have to take a look at that. Regardless, I had to see
that there are things I do for friends that I also do for strangers, because it
is the right thing, or because they need it, or because it is easy for me to do
and I am an obliging kind of person.
That is also true of various friends. They might
come through in a pinch for me, but they would also do it for someone else.
They come through because they are good people. It contributes to my liking
them, though it is not the only factor.
Back when I was thinking about people I could rely
on, and writing about People Pleasers and Attention Seekers, there was one
friend I thought about. She read The 9 Types of Lovers and she was
devastated to see herself as an attention seeker. She was an attention seeker,
but I also enjoyed spending time with her. She knew a lot about music and her
knowledge base was different from mine, so I always learned things talking to
her. I knew when we went out that we would focus on her, and I was okay with
it.
As I was thinking about boundaries, a quote from
Maya Angelou kept coming to mind:
"When someone shows you who they are, believe
them the first time."
People are always telling you who they are. That can
be a long conversation, because there are nuances, but again, that is about
them, not you.
Part of my problem was that I would see that some
people do get treated better for being beautiful and loved, but there's not a
solid foundation to that. An impatient person may temporarily have more
patience for a new girlfriend, but as they get into a routine, and comfortable
with each other, he is probably going to revert to being impatient.
That's not horrible; affection for one person can
even set you on the path to being a better person, though it will take time and
some additional understanding where you begin to see the value beyond that
person.
There is a great deal of beauty in being able to let people be fully themselves and not take it personally. You can appreciate their good points without resenting their bad points. Ideally, you will be able to view yourself that way too. Some things need to be looked at differently.
I was at a low point some time ago around my
birthday. I ended up having a good dinner with some appreciated friends, but
before getting there I was deeply hurt by a few declines and one invitation
that was ignored. That was a time when I wished I was special enough to warrant
the extra effort.
In retrospect, I did not let them know how important
it was to me. If I had been thinking in those terms, I'm not even sure I would
have decided it was important enough to ask them to cancel on their families
for their other plans, but they had no way of knowing I was even thinking in
those terms. And it would not have felt good to say, "Hey, I'm a wreck and
feeling like a failure and I just need to believe I matter," but they were
people I could trust with that information, and then if they still couldn't
cancel they would have found some other way to be there for me.
I believe I can wrap all of this up tomorrow. Three
posts isn't bad if you consider how many years getting here took.
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