Just keep swimming

I need to reset. I still have notes on what I was going to write about, but I need to take some time off and go a little lighter.

So, I recently had a massage. That was on the list of goals for quite a while. I had tried to set one up before the severance ran out and I still had money coming in, but they were booked. I realized I had someone I could barter with, and went for that.

One thing I appreciated was that she explained different things as she was doing them or getting ready to do them. Some of that was just interesting, but one thing really clicked into place.

She told me to let her know if anything hurt or tickled or something, because that could end up releasing adrenaline, which was the opposite of what we were gong for. As I was thinking how much sense that made, I realized I have been releasing a lot of cortisol.

I have been feeling thicker in my gut and there weren't changes in diet or exercise to account for it. It had been bothering me, but I was pushing it to the back of my mind because there were so many other things to worry about. All those other things to worry about are exactly the kinds of long term stress that may result in too much cortisol.

The other thing that had been happening was a surprisingly strong urge to color. I know about its value for relaxing. Due to working on an activity that incorporated that, I had several color sheets and crayons available. There was opportunity, but that didn't explain the compulsion to color. My subconscious desperately trying to offload some of the stress could explain it.

(I'm not sure that turning getting through the entire stack of color sheets soon into another thing I needed to do was the most productive direction for that to take. I can be difficult.)

This is probably a good reminder that if I want to be in touch with my body, that something bothering me about my body should not be pushed to the back of my mind. It is still progress, because I did finally get the massage instead of just thinking that I needed to do it. I also learned that the shoulder pain I have been having is coming from tightness in the rotator cuff. The massage brought some relief, but there is additional work to do there.

I do seem to be in a part of my life where it is always something. Today that included a cold shower that clued me in that some of the looking around that happened yesterday with the water extraction team led to knocking the water heater plug just enough that it didn't come out but it wasn't connecting. Fortunately, I do know how to turn it back on, once that was figured out.

Usually I decide that I just need to keep going, and figuratively put my head down and push through it. I do need to keep going, but these extended periods don't allow everything else to be turned off while pushing through the matter at hand. Keeping aware of me and my needs, while also taking care of business, is more complicated, and feels like too much.

It just appears to be necessary, so that's what I'm going to try to do.

I remain unemployed, with insufficient funds for all my bills, and with a mother whose memory problems have gotten worse, not necessarily requiring full-time care, but where I worry about a new job taking me away from her, even though it's necessary, so those two main worries pull me in opposite directions and it's really hard.

Also, sometimes people are mean to me and things break around the house, and that adds to it.

That's where I'm at.