I may spend an inordinate
amount of time going over the things I do and why I do them, like with
yesterday's post.
My tendency to
over analyze everything isn't new, but it does feel like it comes with higher
stakes now. I had a fair amount of stress already, and the world just keeps
getting harsher. That combination raises questions: am I on the right track? am
I wasting my time? Can I even do this?
That's not new either.
Back when I was writing the comic I came to realize that those 400+ pages were
primarily about whether I could keep my humanity in a world where a teenage boy
is shot for being Black and his shooter goes free, yes due to racism but
greatly helped by an organization of corporations writing laws that benefited
them and corrupt politicians allowed it. Eventually my answer was affirmative,
but I had no idea then how much darker things would get.
I have also kept growing.
As I try to wrap up this latest phase, it becomes more clear.
I was going through the
spreadsheet items that I haven't blogged about yet (or where I was not sure
that I had blogged about them enough), and there has been a lot of progress.
I do believe I can be
loved now. I still have doubts about having closer relationships in this life,
but that deep inner certainty that there was something inherently wrong with
me, and that could only be rejected by anyone else, that's not there anymore.
Enough light has shone on it, and it evaporated. That seemed impossible once.
I wanted to be okay with
my appearance. I pretty much am, as equivocal as that sounds.
If I remain completely
honest, there are things I would like to look different, and I am very aware
about how open to criticism my appearance is. At the same time, people
criticize appearances that I think are great. Somewhere between the realization
that a lot of things that get said are cruelty in search of a target, and the
knowledge that physical appearance is ephemeral and inner substance is more
important - somewhere in there I can't get too worked up about my looks. I know
that shopping for a formal could still throw me into a total relapse, but I
believe it would be temporary.
My shoulders don't ache
the way they did. It still happens sometimes, and as good as getting the one
massage was, that should probably not be a once in a lifetime - or even once
every few years- event. It is
nonetheless encouraging to see that something that was a source of great pain
has faded, and without a lot of targeted action.
I have worked on specific
things - none of this has been effortless - but there were some problems that
were identified and then not thought about much. I focused on the areas where I
had ideas on what to do, even if it was just writing about them a lot, or
reading books that came to mind. That working on some problems led to
resolution (or at least amelioration) of other problems reminds me that I am a
whole and integrated person. Things connect.
I saw some of those
connections early on, and there are some I want to explore tomorrow. There were
other connections that I didn't see, and may still not see. Things can still
work out.
That progress reinforces
that my instincts are sound. That is good, because I suspect I am going to have
to rely on them more and more.
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