It is not the only thing that can come up where it is better to take a breath and roll with it, rather than immediately try and fight or defend or something like that. I can think of two, and today I want to tackle one.
Yesterday's blog post grew out of a post on Facebook that was inspired by how offended people get sometimes at the mention of racism or white privilege. I had some irritation, but also some sympathy. I have copied that Facebook post at the end of this blog post in case you are interested.
In that case, people were generally taking it personally when they did not need to. This is more about when it actually is personal. If you interject into a discussion about racism demanding that your acquaintance of color tell you when you were ever rude to them, well, you are missing the point, but also you are assuming an innocence that you might not actually have. If they answer your question honestly, how you handle that can be a turning point.
I started thinking about this because of Lea Michele.
You can look up the news stories, but Michele tweeted in support of Black Lives Matter, and then a former Black co-star tweeted about harassment she had received from Michele, and some other people backed it up.
Obvious reactions could be embarrassment and anger, or arguing that the criticism is a distraction from Black Lives Matter. Another possibility would be some attempts at justification, like saying that she abuses all cast members equally.
I hear variations of that a lot: "I'm not racist; I hate everyone." "I'm not sexist; I'm condescending to everyone." By and large I think the people who say things like that believe it, and that they are wrong. So much of racism and sexism is built into the structure that people don't notice when they are implementing it. That has been shown by many studies.
It is easy to believe that you are not racist, and that you have not done racist things, and be completely wrong about that. Therefore you need to stop and listen and examine.
That feeling will suck. Most likely (if you are not a monster), you associate racism with being a bad person, and you don't think you are a bad person. You can be a good person functioning in a racist system who doesn't always realize what that entails. You may have been more of a jerk as a younger person (very common), and have picked on people who were easier targets or taken cheaper shots without processing how that fit into the larger social construct.
Personally, I do not remember ever treating anyone as less because of their color, or being rude to anyone of color. However, in college when there would be some issue of race I would go straight to my Black friend and ask him about it. He was always very gracious, but there are ways in which that othered him that I did not think about.
Much more recently (but still a few years back) I made a thoughtless joke about Erasure - the British synth pop band - when someone was tweeting about the erasure that happens to Black people. It was not funny. I didn't mean harm, but I did cause some. I had to swallow my defensiveness and accept that, and learn from it.
Word is that Lea Michele is reaching out to former cast mates. She can do that in a way that does not impose emotional labor on them, or she might not. I hope it is a good experience for all of them, but that is not really the point.
The point is what are you going to do when the one being corrected is you?
Here is the Facebook post from last week:
More history! The other thing we are seeing is people getting defensive as others express their feelings, and asking "When have I been racist to you!"
Because people who are thin-skinned on the subject of racism never would have done things without realizing it, and also have the amazing super power of solving racism by their personal virtue. All of which is snark.
More reasonably, yes, this feels personal, and like it is not fair that it is personal, because you try and be a good person. Institutionalized racism in North America goes back at least (other things contributed) to Bacon's Rebellion in Virginia, 1676 - 77. The rebellion saw servants of different ranks and races working together, so laws followed that made permanent slavery just for Black people, and it formed a very effective divide that influenced the Constitution and the evolution of modern policing.
So that wasn't you, or your parents, or even your grandparents. I have to go back to my great-great-great-great grandfather to have someone alive then, and he was 10.
And yet, when you see how entrenched and ugly it is, and that you probably benefit from it, it doesn't feel good. Some people push off the discomfort, and stay part of the problem.
Feel the discomfort. Know that you didn't build it, but you can help dismantle it. That may mean protesting or donating to bail funds or registering voters or working with school boards and sheriff departments... this has been centuries in the making and no one action will stop it, but many actions working together can.
And keep being willing to feel uncomfortable, because it will come up a lot but it is needed.
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