Through the overwhelm

When I was a little girl - about 5 to 7 years old - mentions of infinity and eternity would freak me out enough to make my stomach hurt. At the time, I dealt with it by running Shaun Cassidy's "Da Doo Ron Ron" through my head. I was a big Shaun Cassidy fan from The Hardy Boys and the song was happy, bouncy, and (best of all) incredibly shallow. Over time that did not seem like the best response.

I have found different ways of thinking, but mostly I think there is a limit to how much a mortal mind can grasp concepts that are so far outside of mortal experience, and there is no shame in that. Currently I have a visualization that I use when something that I can't quite manage is creeping up on me. I picture an ocean wave coming at me. It will be powerful, but it will also recede and it won't carry me away. I can let myself feel it for that moment, and then move on.

(I'm aware that waves capable of carrying a person away exist, but I don't think that invalidates the imagery.)

I mention that now because I am going to be getting into something soon that might make you hyperventilate (it makes me feel like it), and I don't want to just spring that on you without any help.

There is a lot happening that can feel overwhelming, and we need to be able to deal with it. If you have greater anxiety, and access, maybe a doctor can prescribe something or therapy can remove some of the difficulty. I hope you have options for the things you need. For me, the visualization helps.

I have already admitted that things are hard for me lately on different fronts. I want to try and describe the way it is hard for me on the Black Lives Matter front.

The current protests start with George Floyd; that is true. However, knowing that as the life was crushed out of him he said "I can't breathe" makes me remember Eric Garner.

However, coming so closely in time, it is also impossible not to think of David McAtee and Breonna Taylor, but thinking of Breonna Taylor makes me remember Aiyana Jones, and I could easily think of Botham Jean.

We're not that long after Ahmaud Arbery, either. Of course that wasn't cops, but it was white supremacy that allowed the shooting and that delayed charges. So then of course I think of Trayvon Martin and James Byrd Jr and Mulugetu Seraw.

It goes on and on. There are names and faces that come to mind right away, and others that are hanging around the edge of my mind, and they can keep coming, going forwards and backwards, remembering the deaths related by the same city, or the same method, or the same root cause.

Tamir Rice. Amadou Diallo. Latasha Harlins. Sandra Bland. John Crawford. Kathryn Johnston. Michael Brown. Walter Scott. Larry Payne. Emmett Till. That's not even getting into the leaders assassinated. It's not getting into all the Ferguson resistance who died too young, and with too many questions.

Okay, maybe I am getting to the point where I feel more overpowering sadness than panic, but the visualization can still work. I will not deny the bad, or shut it out. I can let it wash over me, and survive that.

And then I should do something. If it is donating to a bail fund, calling a senator, or checking with a local food pantry to see what they need most, that is great. It can also be okay if what I do next is make a sandwich, or pray, or take a nap. Those are all things that need to happen sometimes.

I wrote not too long ago about discovering the concept of Lamed-Vov: 36 people who must always be in the world to witness the hurt in it. Without necessarily believing that there is a specific 36, it is important that pain and wrong has witnesses.

When a specific person is telling me their pain, and they are telling me because they know I care and will listen, then at least there is that level of comfort being given. With the things you see happening in other cities, it is much more difficult to see how you can make any difference at all. For some things, you probably can't, and that doesn't negate the importance of knowing.

It doesn't seem exactly like the serenity prayer, but related. I am not sure that I should be serene about the things that I can't change, but there does need to be wisdom and courage. For the things I can't change, help me not go into denial and harden my heart against it.

For all the overwhelming badness, look at the parks and streets and bridges filled with people. Look at the people who are coming around now who have not been there before. Remember we are not alone, and then do what you can.

I believe that there will be answers after you ask.