Examining inner bias

Some of you know that I teach a Sunday school class with one of my sisters.

I don't even remember what we were talking about when it happened, but it came out that one of our students thought we were a couple.

My first thought was that we would not be the teachers if that were the case. We might have people be nice to us at church, but they would never let us teach impressionable 15 year olds.

I did say something like that. It wasn't as detailed, but in retrospect I felt bad. If he believes that such a thing is possible, I don't want to damage that attitude and innocence. 

That wasn't really the problem anyway.

My sister got really defensive. It bothered her, and she felt compelled to affirm her heterosexuality.

There is still a stigma on being a lesbian.

Yes, there definitely is at church. Our church doctrine could be better, but it is actually more progressive than many of the members' tightly-held beliefs. 

Beyond that, in a church that emphasizes family so much, there is some stigma on old singles. That may be one reason that it seems more logical that two middle-aged women with the same last name living together are a couple than unmarried siblings (of which there are actually three). What's wrong with them?

We generally assume that people assume upon looking at us that we are not attractive enough (mainly because we are fat) to get married. 

However, in our patriarchal society -- even outside of church or any kind of religiosity -- that is reinforced. There is pressure on everyone to be attractive, but there is more on women, and you don't have to look very hard to find "jokes" about unattractive women being lesbians because they can't get a man.

There is a lot that you can unpack there. Whether it is that not wanting men is the whole point of being a lesbian, or that you can find attractive lesbians, not forgetting that attraction is not always a cut-and-dried process, plus unrealistic expectations about body size and the impact of environment and economics... there is just a lot.

But what it comes down to is that there was an alarm that went off in my sister's mind that someone thinking she was a lesbian was calling her ugly and gross.

It's not fair. She herself understands why it is not fair, and a lot of the factors that go into that quick response, but it is still there.

Things intersect. There has been a point where people were becoming better about accepting gay men, but still had something against lesbians. That included gay men. 

We are in a largely white environment, but race would have an impact too.

Think of it this way: would the first step for my sister be to forget that the stigma exists, or to get over worrying about her physical appearance? Which would be easier? Which would be more beneficial to her? Which would be more beneficial to society?

Which would not result in that naive and optimistic 15 year old feeling bad?

I can't promise you any answers. I feel good that I was not offended; that seems like a good place to be. I suspect some of that is knowing more lesbians now and seeing them as individuals and caring about them. 

I hesitate to give that all of the credit, because there is this little concern in my head that it sounds too much like I have gone on a lesbian safari, familiarizing myself with their exotic ways. Plus, I know that interracial dating doesn't cure racism, and family members finding a provisional acceptance doesn't solve homophobia... it's just not that easy.

Some of my knowing things that don't work has come from the reading and studying. Understanding more about how patriarchy is structured and plays out probably does help too, though I also doubt the intellectual is enough. Some people will understand something just enough to exploit it.

Some of it is also probably having become more self-assured, and more whole. That might mean that not only am I less likely to take something as an insult when not intended, that even an intentional one might not wound me as much. I am pretty sure I am not all the way there yet -- watch me crumple under the right circumstances -- but I think I have gotten better.

So there's a lot of work to be done, on multiple levels.

It does seem worth taking a moment to recommend Suzanne Pharr's Homophobia: A Weapon of Sexism I found it very insightful, including it merely focusing on women and looking at race. 

Even when focusing on one marginalization, it is easy to forget other intersections. So racism becomes worrying about Black men, and homophobia for gay white men, and sexism for white women.

That is not enough.

This blogging week is going to be about that looking inside and rooting out.