In the year 2026

One job interview question (and I got asked twice last week) was "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

I have no idea.

I get the question. I have asked the question myself. You ask it to see if the person is goal-oriented or flaky or if you can reasonably expect to have them around for the amount of time that the job lasts.

Being asked nearly brought me to tears. (It's okay; I did not cry and they still hired me.)

It's not just that I have been out of things for so long, making re-entering the work force is a major adjustment that frankly has a lot of anxiety attached to it. It's also that during that time period the world seems to have become ever more unpredictable.

Fascist gets elected, then gets voted out, but a bunch of fascist thugs tried to undo that and apparently were ready to hang everyone in the line of succession, including the vice president who was technically one of theirs.

Climate change contributes to smoky skies, worse storms, plague rats, and speaking of plagues...

Global pandemic that we can't seem to halt because some people have made resistance to knowledge the defining core of their personality. Worth dying for, and especially worth letting other people die for.

So I find it a little hard to think about whether I want to get on a management track or go back to school when I am not sure what kind of hellscape we will be seeing in 2026.

Are there technical writing positions within the company? Maybe I should learn to code?

In the last  part of A Burst of Light, Audre Lorde writes about different things she is working on. She is setting up a new office, and there are graduate papers to comment on, and speaking engagements, I think. She led a busy life. 

What she had then, though, was a lack of certainty about what could be completed. She didn't know how much time she had left. 

What is there time to finish, and is it a good use of time if it won't be finished?

I am living my life every particular day no matter where I am, nor in what pursuit. It is the consciousness of this that gives a marvelous breadth to everything I do consciously. My most deeply held convictions and beliefs can be equally expressed in how I deal with chemotherapy as well as in how I scrutinize a poem. It's about trying to know who I am wherever I am. It's not as if I'm in struggle over here while someplace else, over there, real life is waiting for me to begin living again.

Realistically, my situation is not that dire. As I start working again, I will get a better idea of what I want to do for that. 

It will have to be based on my values. 

Taking care of Mom myself definitely felt like the right thing to do. I still don't doubt that, despite the price paid financially and emotionally. It was the only right choice.

Future job choices will probably not be that stark (I hope not), but I will still make those decisions based on what feels right and appropriate. I will make choices based on what I care about, and what I can manage.

I will make choices based on faith.

I hope it doesn't mean always being broke, but there are no guarantees.

Living with cancer has forced me to consciously jettison the myth of omnipotence, of believing – or loosely asserting – that I can do anything, along with my dangerous illusion of immortality. Neither of these unscrutinized defenses is a solid base for either political activism or personal struggle. But in their places, another kind of power is growing, tempered and enduring, grounded within the realities of what I am in fact doing. An open-eyed assessment and appreciation of what I can and do accomplish, using who I am and who I most wish myself to be. To stretch as far as I can go and relish what is satisfying rather than what is sad. Building a strong and elegant pathway toward transition.

I work, I love, I rest, I see and learn. And I report. These are my givens. Not sureties, but a firm belief that whether or not living them with joy prolongs my life, it certainly enables me to pursue the objectives of that life with a deeper and more effective clarity.

My year of Audre Lorde

I have written before that I often feel a kind of book sense, where I know what to read at the time that I need it. That feels especially true with my introduction to Audre Lorde. 

Of course I knew that she existed; she is quoted about the masters' tools and the masters' house pretty frequently. However, I had never read any of her work before. In 2021 I have read two collections, re-reading them both in a series of four books that needed multiple readings. 

But that started in 2020.

https://www.thedailybeast.com/white-fragility-author-robin-diangelo-paid-more-for-university-speaking-gig-than-black-counterpart

I am always a little irritated when the go-to sources on racism are white people, especially when they are the sources getting paid. I was irritated with this, but the only thing I could really do (besides sharing the article) was read Austin Channing Brown's book, I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness.

I loved it! I read it, read it again, and then made my sisters read it. I was right to do so, because they still refer to it.

So I recommend that book to anyone, but there was also a part where she talks about anger, which had initially felt forbidden to her. In addition to her being a woman (so conditioned to be nice) and being Black (so having to fight the stereotypes of the "angry Black woman"), she is also Christian; there would be many influences telling her to let go of anger as harmful.

I not only related to two of those ways, but I had been feeling a lot of anger at the time that did not seem helpful.

Brown referenced Lorde's Sister Outsider, and being inspired to channel her anger creatively to do good. 

I needed to read that. 

I am not even sure that I learned how to channel my anger creatively from it, but I found the essay collection inspiring. I read it multiple times, worrying about missing anything.

Those were read in December and March, respectively.

Then I saw a tweet. 

Tarana Burke, #MeToo creator, had collaborated with Brené Brown to get several Black people to write about shame and resilience in You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience and the Black Community.

I did need to read it more than once and take notes. Austin Channing Brown was in it again, but this time it was Jessica J. Williams that referenced Audre Lorde, this time for A Burst of Light.

It was beautiful. After reading it twice I went through it again with my most extensive note-taking ever. There was so much for me in there, especially so much for me right now.

I know it is completely possible that I could have seen different things and been led to different books; maybe that would be fine too. 

For how this has gone down, I am grateful.

Music Review: Evil Saints

Evil Saints is a metal band from Arizona.

For the type of metal, they list death, black, thrash, and sludge. While the music is brisk, I would expect thrash to go a little faster, whereas I definitely hear some sludginess reminiscent of Torche. There is a sort of unrelenting darkness but with religious and historic themes (possibly based on medieval Europe) that very much says black metal to me.

Therefore, I am going to say that this may be more for sludge and black metal fans, but I also hear some Metallica, I think.

This is an area where I have to acknowledge weakness; because I am not a huge metal fan. I don't know how much distinction people who are bigger fans would make between the different types, nor how much they would reject or accept one type over another.

Evil Saints' music is mostly instrumental, not particularly melody-driven, and growls and pounds as it drives. If that sounds good to you, this is probably your thing. 

If it does not, then this may not be the band for you, but it is also possible I am not doing the best job of describing it.

In addition to the links below, Evil Saints are available on Spotify with a 30 minute EP, so there is no reason for metalheads not to check it out. Even if you are anti-Spotify, there are three other streaming options.

There is no downside to checking them out.

https://evilsaintsmusic.com/

https://www.facebook.com/evilsaintsmusic 

https://evilsaints.bandcamp.com/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvelMHaT-yssFX-L0c8inKQ 

https://www.instagram.com/evilsaintsmusic/ 

https://soundcloud.com/evilsaints

https://www.reverbnation.com/evilsaints

https://twitter.com/evilsaintsmusic

Remembering Miss Sharon Jones

I have already written this, but I was touched by all of the affection and caring that was shown in Miss Sharon Jones!

The thing that was delightful was for the first time realizing that she really was short.

She was quoted many times as saying that she was told she was "too fat, too black, too short, and too old". I didn't doubt that she was told that or that the prejudices mentioned could be an issue, but she still never seemed that short to me.

I never got to see her live, but in videos of her performing, she is such a powerful presence on the stage that I never really saw the shortness. Seeing her standing still, next to other people... okay, she was short. 

I can't explain why it made me smile so much. Maybe it was finding something new, or new confirmation of something old.

I did learn things from the movie, but the emotional impact was more one of grief. You see, I knew about the cancer, and about her beating cancer, as the movie shows. I had not seen the movie, but I knew it was there and what it was about. 

Again, she was such a powerful presence, that is probably what influenced my thinking, but I was really sure that she was good. Then it came back and she died. I was not expecting that.

Well, she had a stroke when Trump was elected, and attributed the stroke to that. She died really shortly after, so I feel pretty comfortable blaming him, but also, I had sort of forgotten how I felt about cancer.

Several years ago, three people I knew were fighting cancer at around the same time. They were a woman that my mother worked for, the father of some kids I knew from church and school, and a boy I used to babysit. They had all had the cancer, fought it, gone into remission -- some for a longer time than others -- and then it came back. 

They still fought, but they all died within a relatively short time frame. I remember seeing Larry at Jon's funeral, and thinking that he must have known he was next, and how do you deal with that?

My dramatic conclusion from this was that if I ever got cancer there wasn't going to be any chemotherapy or radiation or amputation, because clearly none of it worked.

That's been about twenty years, I think. It wasn't something that I thought about all of the time, but the thought was still there.

Over these past few years of care giving, I did think about death a lot. Sometimes I was longing for it, but more often I was trying to be prepared for my mother's death. That seemed like the only possible end, and I just wanted to be able to handle it as well as possible.

Then -- when things changed in a way better than I could have expected, but also there was that brief possibility that I might have cancer -- I did start having some thoughts again.

There was some reading that helped me. I will spend more time on that, but also, from watching Sharon Jones, I think I have a better understanding of the fight, because she bought time.

It wasn't even very much time, from one perspective. The initial cancer was announced in 2013, she was treated and cleared in the course of the documentary, and then the return was announced in 2015 with her dying in November 2016. (His fault.)

From another perspective, it was enough time to tour, and release new music and to share love with friends.

Those three people from before all died, but they all got more time with the people they did not want to leave. As much pain as their departures cost, they probably still would have chosen to fight for more time, even knowing in advance.

That is the one guarantee: we all die. 

We can exert some control over when and how. 

There are still a lot of unknowns, but we should be able to derive some clarity from that.

Postscript to Black Music Month

I wrote earlier that I might want to do separate posts on both 20 Feet From Stardom and Miss Sharon Jones!.

As it was, they were both movies that I was interested in and hadn't gotten too. What pushed me forward was a thread on 20 Feet From Stardom, focused on the appropriation aspects. 

https://twitter.com/sassycrass/status/1407875880618127364

Frequently, you have white musicians mimicking sounds they had heard from Black musicians. That was true with Elvis and The Rolling Stones and too many to count, actually. 

Beyond that, they were generally also being supported by Black musicians. The movie focuses on backing vocals, but session musicians also were often Black. Their contribution was crucial, but crediting them was never considered to be so.

For me the most appalling thing in the film was that Phil Specter had The Blossoms record "He's A Rebel" to get it out ahead of another label, but they were credited as the Crystals, who could not record as they were on tour. Then the Crystals needed to try and mimic that sound, causing a shift in vocalists.

Why not just release a Blossoms song?

Then, when The Blossoms recorded "He's Sure the Boy I Love", which was supposed to be theirs, it got attributed to the Crystals again. 

There can't have been a lot of value placed on the individuals by the labels. And it's not surprising to have Phil Specter be terrible, but it is really doing dirt to both bands.

The Blossoms had Darlene Love in the band, and I was familiar with her later work. It also sounded familiar though, and I realized that they had come up when I was going through different girl groups as part of daily songs celebrating Black women. 

I remembered that Cissy Houston was part of one group, The Sweet Inspirations, who sang their own music, and backup for Elvis, and then Cissy had solo songs too. 

The movie also taught me that many of these girl groups had preachers' daughters in them, and church singing was where they got their start. 

That was interesting information on its own, but then added to it backup singing and solo work, there is clearly a lot more to know. As I go back and review all of those musicians, that calls for some more research.

(Just in that list there were nineteen distinct groups, all with at least one song you could still find.)

The Twitter thread mentioned Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings, and how The Dap-Kings had toured with Amy Winehouse. That was why I remembered to watch Miss Sharon Jones!

That is one reason why I am writing about both films in a single post, but this is also a bridging post.

Miss Sharon Jones! had me thinking about death, and that correlated with some other reading, and that is where I am heading tomorrow.

But yesterday was about that irresistible urge to defend white people and explain away racism, and that was a definite feature of the Twitter thread. That wasn't posted by the author; that was in the replies she got.

This is where it comes back to the appropriation. The Rolling Stones made a lot of money incorporating grooves and dialects into their songs that were not from London. They also took Ike and Tina Turner on tour with them. That was a good opportunity for the Turners, but it doesn't undo the racist structure that emphasizes white profit over equality.

("Rocket 88" was also wrongly credited when it was released.)

I do not expect any one band to solve structural racism; that would be ludicrous. However, when there is a discussion about how racism diffuses culture, and how capitalism and racism support each other, how is it that the instinctive response becomes defending whiteness?

We need to get past that defensiveness, because it stops us from getting past anything else. That is the job of white people. 

I don't know how things look once we stop being defensive, but holding on to that definitely supports racism.

One thing I did was to post songs from several of the artists featured in 20 Feet From Stardom. That is a thing that I have the ability to do. They do have their own music out there, and we do not have to limit our support of them to when they are supporting bigger names.

In addition, one thing that came up in Miss Sharon Jones! was the financial needs of musicians, something I have long been aware of. 

One of the band members was trying to buy a house and had an issue getting approval because of the loan processor knowing about Sharon Jones' cancer, and questioning whether there would be income. 

The health insurance became more important than ever with a cancer diagnosis.

The label had to take out a loan to keep people insured and paid.

No one wanted to pressure Sharon and threaten her recovery (I was so touched with the caring shown in the film), but they also needed to live.

A society with greater financial equality and safety nets will not automatically eradicate racism. In fact, racism will make it really hard to reach that equality. We need to be able to aim for all of that, together.

And we can.

Related posts (there were about eight posts on Black Music Month this year, depending on what you count):

(first) https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/07/black-music-month-2021-overview.html

(most recent) https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/08/daily-songs-inspired-by-black-music.html

White nonsense

Does that title sound racist to you?

There have been some fun reminders of how racism works. Well, there are always lots of reminders, but there have been more food-based ones. That means we are going to talk about delicious foods, all based in Asia and shockingly different from each other.

It started with a white woman taking over congee (rice porridge), which she discovered was great for her digestion. She created recipes that would appeal to white palates and christened herself the congee queen.

(I am not going to link to her or the dumpling woman, but you could find them if you were sufficiently motivated.)

There were discussions about that and the appropriation, and lots of defenses of the woman; after all, it meant she appreciated the food. I am sure all of the other white people she hired (there was a team picture) had also become big fans of congee.

The problem is that she is profiting off of anti-Asian prejudice, where there is an expectation that if the food is made by Asian people it should be cheap, and it might be kind of low-class until a white person elevates it and jacks up the price. The "queen" did not create that situation, but she is upholding the system and profiting off of it. 

There would have been opportunities to promote already existing business or cookbooks. That could have skipped the "elevating" part, where she took these weird foods and made them okay. It would mean the loss of her crown, though, and don't white people have the right to be wonderful and profit off of brown people?

That leads to our next white woman, who had fond childhood memories of this weird Asian market with all of the strange smells and exotic ingredients. She mastered it and had a dumpling and noodle cookbook. 

There was a tweet asking -- generally, not to her -- what the deal was with that. Fumpling queen passive aggressively said she was not trying to be defensive, and she showed some understanding of internet harassment, but then defensively sent internet harassment at the tweeter. That was completely fair because that person had more followers. It wasn't a big enough difference to count, and certainly not with the extra permission people feel to attack women of color, but I had to feel that maybe she hadn't tried hard enough to not be defensive.

This seems like a good time to point out that when you feel affection for a food, there may still be racism tied up in how you perceive that food. This is also true for people. You may love a person, and that does not feel like how you think racism goes. However, when when you are still surprised when they do not conform to stereotypes, that is racism, which is about structure, not feelings.

I could also write about how whiteness is seen as deserving of defense and protection, and maybe mention something about bari-weiss-amy-cooper, but we are on a food theme now, so I am going to go here instead:

https://www.cnn.com/2021/08/24/media/gene-weingarten-indian-food-apology/index.html 

The point I want to make is just what a privilege it is to be able to post something petulant, ignorant, and not serious and get paid for that. There are literally thousands of people who say much more pertinent, intelligent things, and instead of getting paid they get abused by people who believe reverse racism is a thing.

It stuck out to me more because a friend had just tweeted about cooking versus restaurant food, and usually she can do better except for Thai and Indian. I had replied that Indian was the one I have decided to let restaurants make for me. That isn't even so much for being labor-intensive or difficult, but just because there are so many different ingredients required, and keeping them on hand versus how often I would cook... yep, just one spice. You nailed it, white guy I had not previously heard of!

Black children are frequently told that they need to work twice as hard to get half as far.

White men, on the other hand... first a stupid column, a digging in harder defense of the column, but a correction from the paper, and finally kind of a mea culpa, but still not sorry and not going to be a better person.

All paid.

That is structural, and it is privilege.

 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/01/asian-food.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/01/baby-corn.html

 

Updated Jeopardy! hosting thoughts

No doubt you have all been waiting breathlessly to know how I feel.

When I last wrote, my preference for host was executive producer Mike Richards. I thought he did the best job, with Aaron Rodgers and Robin Roberts as runners-up. 

(Apparently my preference is for people in the "R" section of the phone book.)

Then things started coming out about Richards' time at The Price Is Right. 

At first glance that wasn't exactly not a concern, but it could be plausible to cast more of the blame on Adam Sandler (no, not that one). 

The next thing that I read was an NPR piece that I thought was very balanced, acknowledging that Richards certainly wasn't just hiring himself with no input, but that it should have been handled better, with more openness:

https://www.npr.org/2021/08/13/1027426388/jeopardy-host-mike-richards

You can make mistakes when you are trying to figure out how to handle a transition without it automatically being calculating. Therefore, the worst note there was the growing unlikeliness that Richards never dreamed of being host, as he'd said. Let's say you realize that the process is going to look crooked; the immediate response needs to be more honesty, not less.

Here's the article that really changed my mind:

https://www.theringer.com/tv/2021/8/18/22631299/mike-richards-jeopardy-host-search-process-past-comments

It's disillusioning, but it is better to know.

Wanting the models on The Price Is Right to look more like they are going out on dates or wear bikinis more often (which is somewhat contradictory, because you rarely wear bikinis on dates) sounds not great, but not automatically terrible. 

When the podcast history shows quote after quote focusing on image and appearance that is strongly biased in terms of women needed to look sexy at all times, that is pretty incriminating.

Richard's started to sound like Ken Jennings but with the emphasis more on sexism instead of racism.

In addition, with more information about the control he had over the guest hosts and the episode screenings... okay more disclosure does make it seem much more likely that the process was manipulated. It makes me wonder how much of LeVar Burton's awkwardness was Richards' sabotage.

(Also, it shows that Richards' claim that he was only hosting because the needs required it was an additional lie, as they could have made Jennings' schedule work.)

So, that is all very disappointing. Yes, I still think Richards was the smoothest of the hosts, but it doesn't compensate for the other things.

Something else disturbing from that article was a change on how contestants would be allowed to dress. Finding clothes to wear on air is stressful, and you have enough to worry about. It does not ruin the show if some people wear jeans or other casual attire. That attempt at change just emphasizes his superficiality.

There was actually something that hit harder, but it would be easy to miss. 

Much of my trust in the casting process was based on the crew overall. I had no idea that Maggie Speak and John Lauderdale had retired. They had been there for years, so they had certainly earned it and I hope it wasn't pushed.

Mike Richards was relatively new in his role. With more time I think he could have come around and been shaped by the show or moved out as a bad fit. With the pandemic moving many crew members to home and Alex's death, this is a really critical moment for the show. Honestly I don't want Richards even as executive producer, let alone as the host.

Without knowing what will happen now, but knowing that there will be more guest hosts I hope that we do get a chance to hear from the people Alex had indicated: Alex Faust, Ben Mankiewicz, and Laura Coates.

I still think that the parade of guest hosts and charity contributions was a beautiful remembrance of Alex.

Let's not drop the ball now.

Related posts: 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/07/jeopardy-guest-hosts.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/04/about-jeopardy.html

Music Reviews: Dan Ashley and Brian Mac Ian

I had one review ready to go and then was unable to post it. As both artists have relatively short catalogs, I decided to post them together today.

Dan Ashley 

Dan Ashley is perfectly pleasant.

The music is not great, but it is in no way bad. Listening is enjoyable. You know that it isn't master craftsmanship or lyric poetry, but that the heart is in the right place.

That is not just from the message of the music but also from seeing that all of his proceeds go to charities that he supports.

The best is probably his Christmas song, "Favorite Time of Year". It may get a boost from Christmas spirit, but it feels right for that, and I know I will use it in December.

I feel some guilt for the faint praise of it all, but there is nothing wrong with a musically nice time.

http://danashleymusic.com/ 

https://www.facebook.com/danashleymusic 

https://www.instagram.com/danashleymusic/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCy9MfJ6pF1IA17bHzhsDy0Q

https://twitter.com/DanAshleyMusic 

 

Brian Mac Ian

Brian Mac Ian's music makes you notice it more, but is also more abrasive.

That may be most noticeable in "Free Will Gorilla", the only track with words, and those words are yelling at you. Playing the tracks in order, I always started with "DeepInBetween", which is recorded at a lower level. I would always turn the volume up for it, and then as "Free Will Gorilla" started, I was being yelled at loudly.

That is probably playing to his strengths. There are two other tracks that are less in your face, but that also leave less of an impression.

In some ways, this makes Mac Ian similar to Timothy Buss, but where Buss feels pretty consistently about cosmic wonder, with Mac Ian it is more like there are four strong but also very separate feelings.

https://brianmacian.bandcamp.com/

https://twitter.com/brianmacian

Leaving my body as-is

Most of the discarded clothes yesterday were things that technically did fit, but not in a way I liked. There wasn't really much in the way of outgrown or motivational clothes left. There was a time.

I recent wrote about recommended increases in my insulin dose leading to higher blood sugar and weight gain.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/08/knowing-my-body-part-1.html

I have made progress over time in accepting my body as it is, which includes being fat. 

I have considered myself fat since I was at least six. 

I have written at other times about how that self-image kept me from recognizing the health and abilities that I had. I have also written that part of surviving that fatness (which I blamed for everything wrong with my life), was that eventually I would figure it out and make it work, and then I would lose weight and everything would be perfect.

The unfortunate thing about that -- and this may sound familiar to some -- is that every time I was ready to try and fix it, I not only failed but put on more fat. It seems like that would be ironic, but there is a lot of logic and science that can tell you a) why that makes so much sense and b) why that works great for an expansive weight-loss industry.

There was a long process of getting to that acceptance, punctuated with many hopes of "Okay, I'm fat, but can't I at least be a little less fat?"

No, apparently.

I had kind of gotten okay with it, and then there was this recent gain. It wasn't fair; I was just trying to be a good patient!

It is probably not appropriate to accept it as my punishment for not pushing back sooner, because that plays into the stigma on fat, and that is unhealthy.

But it is still unfair, and it's unfair that I know that anything I try to do specifically to get rid of it will be likely to fail, and almost certainly result in additional gain.

It means I need to accept this extra. 

It was a source of great stress on the plane, though really, nothing was worse that it had been before.

It might have been an issue if we had tried to go on more rides. For what we did ride it was not an issue, and I am grateful for that.

Let me point out again that no advice is being requested. If you are among the 5% of dieters who successfully keep the weight off (or you have not yet learned that you are actually in the 95), bully for you; don't be obnoxious about it. 

I get the resistance. It is baked into our culture. Even as more and more science confirms it, the biggest difference it seems to make is that diets are now called not-diets-but-lifestyle-changes, but with surprising similarities to diets, right down to the failure rate. 

Believe me, I've tried.

It is hard to discard that mindset that thinness=health, but honestly, as the dieter it was harder to give up on the hope of attractiveness. The thinness=health part just serves as a handy justification for people who want to look down on you. 

I am spending a lot of time now thinking about health, and what it means for me.

Those ruminations have to include an extra fifteen pounds now. I am not happy about it, but I can't let it be an obstacle.

Tidying up my closet

Remember when I wrote how a Twitter thread about Lane Bryant brought back a lot of old memories? 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/07/rag-bag.html

I was probably getting there anyway, but I think the thread exacerbated it; I could not stand looking at my closet anymore.

I pulled everything out.

It was very much inspired by Marie Kondo. I read the manga version of her book in 2019. I liked it and found it interesting, but I wasn't really at a point of implementing it yet. You have to figure that someone who calls a tidying expert is at one level of relationship with their possessions that doesn't automatically apply to everyone else. I would think about things she had said for some things, but was overall okay with my level of tidyness.

No longer.

I saw a closet stuffed with clothes I hated, and it had to change.

I know experiences vary, but it was really easy. I know which things I don't like. I usually know why I don't like them. That was why I kept never pulling them out of my closet.

What I had not realized -- and this does take some trust -- was that I would still have enough clothes once I got rid of everything I hated. 

I have "joked" about having three shirts, and I did pretty much rotate only those three. 

Once I eliminated the shirts that show too much arm or the ones that constrict my arms or the ones where the fabric has no give or is too heavy or is a color I hate from a year when the season's palette was not my thing at all... it's actually more like I have eight shirts. 

I can see that one of them is getting older, and it may not stay in the rotation for very long. For now it's there, and after that there will still be seven.

I also have more skirts than I thought, after getting rid of at least five plus two dresses.

More to the point, I can find them now! They are not cramped and obscured by clothes I hate, but bought because I felt I needed to, because of the limited options for poor fat women.

Not everything went as expected. It would have been easy to get rid of the sweatshirts, because I hardly ever get cold enough to wear them. However, I like them when I wear them, so they can stay. (Those are not included in the eight shirts.)

I have been holding on to some T-shirts from events where I volunteered, where there is sentimental value even though I do not look good in those kinds of shirts. They are 100% cotton; they can work well for rags or for wrapping hair; I just hadn't thought of that before.

Finally, my favorite shirt that got torn? It is just some bias tape missing from the neckline, but the way the fabric was gathered, I can't fix it. I realized I can wear it around the house, even if not out and about. I have done so twice now, and it sparked joy.

There has still been no buying of new clothes, but my closet feels more abundant than before.

Back from vacation

Perhaps it would have made more sense to post this yesterday, but yes, I am back.

Yesterday's post would have made perfect sense for today, I realize now. One strong reason to post it yesterday was that it had been already written and only needed slight alterations. 

Last week I wrote posts for all of the days that I was going to be gone: Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I had toyed with maybe posting both the Friday and Saturday posts when I got home, and I was sure I would post the Thursday one before we left at 5:45 AM. The morning went by too fast.

I posted the Saturday travel post on Sunday, and posted nothing on the Sunday blog. Then, I am adding another band to the band review that will go up Friday. This feels good, because I did not have a lot to say about the band I already reviewed, so this review will combine two artists with small catalogs and... anyway, the compromise is fine.

The question is whether there was a point in writing ahead, or should I just have figured "Vacation! Don't post!" 

Because I did not end up posting.

Ideally I would like to have some internet access while gone, but if I were able to buy things the first priority would be replacing the desktop. 

All of which is to say that I don't know. I don't know that the blogging daily model is sustainable, but for this time of life there are reasons to do it. Everything is subject to change, and I am a frail mortal.

I feel better as a frail mortal, because I did go out and have some fun.

I talked to strangers (masked). I saw animals and possibly saved two baby squirrels. I cheered. I went on a ride and scored points. I laughed a lot.

We do have fun here, and laugh, but there is something beautiful about getting away. The cats have adjusted again, though there were some attempts to show displeasure that first night back.

It felt invigorating and free, while I still know that it is something that we can be judged for. 

My sisters have been judged for other trips. 

We have been judged for the amount of pets we have.

We don't go around telling the worst people all of our business, but we will be judged for this.

And yet, what I know even more than I knew it before is that everyone needs it. 

I have heard every argument about work ethics and entry-level jobs not deserving a living wage and choices... screw them all! Look at the greed that begets it.

Everyone needs diversion, and chances to eat delicious things and to play and to not feel exhausted. 

I may not post every single day, but it is a source of great pleasure for me that I have material for travel blog posts through the end of the year.

I am grateful for the content, but more grateful for the times.

I am grateful that my sisters took me along, though they did not have to.

And I want that gift for everyone else.

Daily songs inspired by Black Music Month

Note: This was originally intended to be posted Thursday, before I left on vacation. I did not have time, and in fact had three days with neither posts nor daily songs! And yet, it probably doesn't change too much, until we get to the end.

Remember me writing that I seem to put more meaning into the songs of the day when I was not blogging? Well, I am blogging again, but this is still pretty meaningful.

After I finished the songs inspired by the review retrospective, I had a week of songs about heat, and then I started wanting to honor the books and movies that made up my Black Music Month. It works out to just over a month of songs.

I will list the work and then the songs I took from it.

I, Tina: My Life Story by Tina Turner with Kurt Loder 

Obviously I was familiar with many songs mentioned in the book, but both of these were new to me.

7/9 “Rocket 88” by The Kings of Rhythm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gbfnh1oVTk0

7/10 “I Might Have Been Queen” by Tina Turner
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiIOmuFiy8E

Mary J. Blige's My Life

I especially loved "Hourglass", but wanted to include the other song just for the sheer magic of what it must have been like for Mary to duet with someone who had inspired her so much, though I chose Anita Baker's original version. The duet can be found on-line, separately from the movie.

7/11 “Hourglass” by Mary J. Blige
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDfh0iz3QIg

7/12 “Caught Up In the Rapture” by Anita Baker
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrfcbNCqH40

Le Freak: An Upside Down Story of Family, Disco, and Destiny by Nile Rodgers 

I adore Nile more and more all the time. Coming away inspired by his musical instincts, his integrity, and his attitude, I wanted to pull in a lot of the songs mentioned. (Also, it led to an additional viewing.)

7/13 “Le Freak” by CHIC
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXgSHL7efKg

7/14 “Lost In Music” by Sister Sledge
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIrnevgyCFw

7/15 “Upside Down” by Diana Ross
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhZ9yGu2wog

7/16 “Modern Love” by David Bowie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HivQqTtiHVw

7/17 “Shadows On Your Side” by Duran Duran
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CocRf3aim4Q

From reviews, though they fit comfortably within Black Music Month.

7/18 “Doin' Fine” by Lady A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBQTRKNC0WA

7/19 “When Will the Ignorance End” by Blackberri
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt4Lba6ZWn8

Then there was a song from a reviewed band, but is followed by songs from the presentation on Early African American Composers by two of The Ragged Blade Band's member, Cherry and Jerry. 

7/20 “What Kind of Love” by The Ragged Blade Band
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMheAc2uge8

7/21 “La Pas Ma La” by Ernest Hogan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvu_7l52LF4

7/22 “Frog Legs Rag” by James Scott
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQxJDd5A_vM

7/23 “Walking the Dog” composed by Shelton Brooks, performed by Rufus Thomas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fw1KAlQSYjw

7/24 “Memphis Blues” by W.C. Handy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGqBmlZR3dc

Oregon Symphony Storytime featuring Harlem's Little Blackbird: The Story of Florence Mills by Renée Watson. This was a song written as a memorial for Florence Mills.

It was also fun to realize that the storyteller, Shalanda Sims, was the playwright for Who I Am.

7/25 “Black Beauty” by Duke Ellington
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDJtb8Qbbyo

The Defiant Ones

I learned a lot from this. I developed a lot of compassion for Dr. Dre, which is tested now learning that his daughter and grandchildren need help. However, another thing that came from many of these works is that there is a lot that goes into making a person. Even with disagreement, I can see the humanity in almost anyone. (For this documentary specifically, still having a hard time with Marilyn Manson. Maybe not trying that hard.)

7/26 “Supersonic” by J.J. Fad
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ti1bFMBd6V4

7/27 “Express Yourself” by N.W.A.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u31FO_4d9TY

7/28 “The Formula” by The D.O.C.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k1XyvwM4no

7/29 “Dance to the Drummer's Beat” by Body & Soul
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9kfNawe3_4

7/30 “Who Am I (What's My Name)?” by Snoop Dogg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2soGJXQAQec

7/31 “So Many Tears” by 2Pac
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z52-lIZMbQ

8/1 “Talking To My Diary” by Dr. Dre
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Az_WXSsvIqM

20 Feet from Stardom

I think I may need to blog about this separately, actually. There was a lot. That includes a lot of artists who have been a part of many things you have enjoyed, but not always getting a lot of credit. I wanted to spotlight them as much as possible.

8/2 "Yes" by Merry Clayton
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=um6fcxN9KjA

8/3 “It Ain't Easy” by Claudia Lennear
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCv0Pdxr-6Q

8/4 “Disco To Go” by The Brides of Funkenstein (because of Lynn Mabry)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5Hxgd8EU-A

8/5 “Save Me” by Lisa Fischer
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUJhpbB8MsQ

8/6 “I Just Keep Thinking About You Baby” by Táta Vega
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbmKSv47i3E

8/7 “Heart Lead The Way” by The Waters
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THGjDJuvT7A

8/8 “Forbidden Nights” by Darlene Love
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4915gjpFEo

The Black Friend: On Being a Better White Person by Frederick Joseph 

I highly recommend this book. I listened to a lot of music for it, and this was my favorite of the songs. There were some others I thought about doing, then was not going to because I wanted to wrap up on Thursday, but we know how that went.

8/9 “Before I Let Go” by Maze featuring Frankie Beverly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbj15Zlh-Ag

The Beautiful Ones by Prince with Dan Piepenbring

This is another one where I can't help but be aware how many more songs could be done. I also know it's not the last book I am going to read on Prince, so I think the other songs will come then.

8/10 “The Beautiful Ones” by Prince
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSJAeWPEWTw

Miss Sharon Jones!

This may be another movie that needs its own post. If I don't get to that, let me say that I just realized that I had never made "Retreat" a song of the day, though there have been a few from Sharon Jones. I did not realize until I watched why this video was animated: Jones did not think she had the strength to do a video. With some of the dancing footage drawn over, they do still have her spirit. Then the wolves are symbolic of her battle with cancer, and it's really beautiful. There was a lot of love in that group.

8/11 “Retreat” by Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrOYkHjdpdM

The Making and Meaning of We Are Family

Nile's book mentioned this documentary, so I found it and watched it. For all the allusions to our innocence being lost at 9-11, we still seemed so much more innocent there. It was touching, and then there are actually two pretty great videos from it. Lots of familiar faces, and some I had to look up.

8/12 “We Are Family” by Various Artists
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPnhkr2Vr0Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnD8BYjZiW0

The Black Friend reprise

I did try scheduling some daily song tweets, just to try, because it would be a useful option. They were set up, but did not tweet.

I was trying them with some of those other songs mentione by Frederick Joseph. So, they go today and tomorrow. 

8/16 “Party Like a Rockstar” by Shopboyz
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82vpIsQ3lX8

8/17 “Umi Says” by Mos Def
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vntLKOd9saI

After that, through September it will be songs from reviewed artists, including some throwbacks that didn't make it into the Review Retrospective, especially when some of those bands have new songs. 

Then I have some exciting plans for October, November, and December.

And all of it does have meaning.

Letting go

No, I am not completely letting go of stress. I doubt I am capable.

I am trying to let go of some things. 

The strongest urge that I felt as various things didn't work out was a need to go and get out and play and see people. Perfect for a pandemic, right?

It was situational though. 

We are getting closer to a brief vacation my sisters scheduled, and last week there were free outdoor concerts featuring people I knew on Wednesday and Thursday.

This represents more than free stuff I can do. It also plays into recent feelings about having this hope of being able to do more as people got vaccinated, then watching that hope evaporate as too many people make terrible choices and variants spread.

I try very hard to be responsible (as noted). It's not just that I don't want to cause harm, but also that I want to be a good example. 

Caught between hope and worry, disappointment and stress, I decided to just go for it. I went to both concerts, headed back to Washington Park on Friday, and tomorrow I will get on a plane and head to an amusement park, though masking all the time.

There is a definite aspect of getting it in now before things get inexorably worse. Also, having things be mostly outside or requiring masks does help some. 

Also, definitely, I just need it. I need to affirm that even the unemployed fat woman (strong indicators of worthlessness) gets to have fun sometimes. I hope I am doing it right.

Without knowing how these next three days are going to go, I can tell you about the three days last week: the combined effect of the two concerts was to make me very sad.

I am sure part of it was the loneliness. Everywhere I looked there were couples and parents with children and groups of friends and extended family units, and I am always alone. If I waited to find people to come along, I would never do anything, but at times there are still pangs.

The other thing that I have found is that I just don't smile as much. It doesn't come as easily.

That makes perfect sense. I have been through some stuff. I am still going through some stuff. But I remember there were times when I was more cheerful, and bouncier, and it was unconstrained. Being around someone who knew me then reminded me of the loss.

And then, I accepted it, because yes, I have been through some stuff; this is a reasonable reaction, if still kind of sad.

Then, I think the reason it was so important to go see more of Washington Park was just to remind myself that I can. Even though I am overtired and my blood sugar is sometimes unpredictable, I can still exert myself, and conquer rough terrain, even if it takes more planning for water and breaks and things.

It's been a big frustration; if I must be built like a Clydesdale then I should be allowed to have the stamina! By appearance I have no right to be delicate. I am somewhere in between.

(And possibly my tendency to push myself unwisely in the past relates to some current troubles.)

Other things have been going on too, and I will get to those, but first I need to get a little further away.

Stressed

One last lesson: my freely offering up medical information about myself is not a violation of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA). It is a very practical law with some good applications, and people are getting it terribly wrong, though perhaps not accidentally.

If after a job interview the company called my health insurance or tried to find my doctor and get an idea of my health, or if my doctor wrote a blog post about an interesting case and you could tell it was me... then we are getting into areas covered under the act.  

A business asking me about my vaccination status as a condition of me shopping there (or wearing a mask there) is not.

Me choosing to blog about my health is obviously not a HIPAA violation, though it may have downsides.

Moving on.

I told you my eosinophils are somewhat elevated, and the usual suspects do not seem to be at fault. I have my own theory, which is that it's the chronic stress.

I said in an earlier post that I wasn't asking for advice, but there may be a place to help here. I was reading something earlier about the effects of short-term via long-term stress on the body. I thought it was in one book that I was going to re-read for sure, so I didn't take careful notes. Then when I re-read that one, it was not in there. I think I remember something like a KAUR... maybe a protein or enzyme. I am sure that is not right because I haven't had any luck on searches, but if that sounds familiar to anyone, and you can point me to a book or article, that would be great!

Even without that, I am pretty sure it is the stress.

I think it is the four years of caregiver stress, followed by the year of looking for a job and not finding one stress, all of which has been run through with financial stress, not to mention Trump presidency in an increasingly obviously racist police state plus pandemic stress.

I feel it in my body. 

I have felt it coming down on my shoulders, crushing me.

I feel it tightening up muscles. 

I feel it crunching down on my knees and other joints.

Sometimes I feel it pressing against the back of my head, or a tightening around the eyes.

I feel it writhing in my stomach. One of the possible co-conditions for eosinophilia is heartburn, and that has been happening more, I don't think because of that.

Surprisingly (because eosinophilia can also be associated with asthma), there has not really been any shortness of breath, but the chest gets tight sometimes.

There were times during the past five years when I knew I was losing time off of my life. Now I understand how: my already compromised immune system reacting to a threat that it can't fix.

I am not decisively sick, which I guess matches the absence of clarity on what to do or what will happen.

I am just kind of unwell. My body wearing down a little faster than it should, feeling more tired than tracks, because of things that I should be able to have some effect on, but that ultimately I don't control.

Knowing my body, Part 2

When I drop this medical knowledge on you, I hope it's interesting.

It functions as a way of detaching myself from the worry, and also happens as an aspect of my researching everything and trying to comprehend it perfectly. That may be a means of control, but I really do like knowing stuff. That can be motivation enough.

These days, I wish more people were pro medical knowledge.

Regardless, your fun fact for now is that red blood cells -- or erythrocytes -- are all pretty similar, and vastly outnumber the white blood cells. I suppose that means that carrying oxygen throughout the body via hemoglobin is a big job, but a fairly simple one.

The white blood cells, or leukocytes (there are different names and spellings for both colors of cells), are more complex. They have nuclei, which red blood cells and platelets don't. There are different types that have different functions, but those are all about what they fight.

I am going to link to a cool chart on that, because I do find it fascinating:

https://www.cancer.gov/publications/dictionaries/cancer-terms/def/white-blood-cell

However, I am mostly caught up in the eosinophils, which you can see are a type of granulocyte.

Remember that CBC test in January? I had made myself sick drinking so much water, but the phlebotomist still had trouble finding a vein, and I was irritated to find out that I had messed up my sodium levels. My doctor and the pharmacist also both asked me if I was having any allergies. Yeah, some. Nothing big.

There were enough other things going on that the question didn't really register.

Here is another thing that did not go well, though I don't know that anger was really the issue. I was checking MyChart for something, and I saw a consultation at another clinic which I hadn't done. I thought there had been a record-keeping mix-up, where someone else's appointment had accidentally been attached to my chart. No, my doctor had consulted with a hematologist, and those were the notes. 

Obviously I started researching. My eosinophil levels were too high. That is most commonly a response to allergies (that's why I was asked multiple times), parasites, or cancer. (Hematologists usually seem to be affiliated with cancer centers). 

The specialist had recommended testing again in twelve weeks, because my levels weren't that high, and I didn't have any accompanying symptoms. Because of that, it made sense that my doctor had not gotten back to me.

It wasn't how I wanted to find out, but there probably wasn't a good way to find out.

My eosinophil count was still high when it was next checked, though lower. That started a round of tests to try and narrow down a cause. 

1. I am negative for parasites.
2. I don't show any signs of cancer.
3. My occasional mild hay fever symptoms are not it.

Normally, you would treat the eosinophilia by treating the underlying cause. If you don't know the underlying cause, you let the symptoms that are present guide the testing. That only works if there are symptoms.

Maybe my levels would keep going down. I wasn't very far above average.

They went back up. It wasn't by a lot, but still, it is too high. 

One bad thing about having too high an immune response is that the accelerated wear and tear can cause organ damage over time, much like diabetes.

One of the other potential causes of the elevated eosinophil levels is a genetic mutation. It usually shows up before age 50, so that would be sneaking in just under deadline, but that's a possibility. If that's the issue, the common treatment to alleviate the damage is steroids. Guess what would be another thing likely to add weight while wreaking havoc on my blood sugar!

Also, it really looked like I might be getting a job where the insurance would require changing all of my doctors. (They never called.)

So, when the only path forward was starting lots of invasive tests -- some to look for other potential causes, others to assess how much damage was being done -- the correct answer seemed to be to pause. Wait and see if something happens. 

That's where I am now.

And, that's okay, because I have my own theory about what is going on. There is a logic to my theory, but there is not an obvious remedy for it.

Outdoor Concert Review: Sabroso

 

My next stop was Shute Park in Hillsboro, Oregon, for that city's Showtime Concert Series and the performance by Sabroso. I initially saw them described as Latin Funk, but it is actually "Latin to Funk and everything in between".

I knew the band contained brothers Ricardo and Pablo Ojeda, formerly of Rubberneck and Toque Libre, but I found some other familiar faces as well.

While that certainly includes some faces familiar from Toque Libre shows, a quick glance at the band members' credits shows an impressive background. 

That includes names familiar in Portland, like Curtis Salgao, Nu Shooz, and Crazy 8s, but also B.B. King, and many others.

There was a lot of talent on that stage.

The music was well-received. It seemed initially that it was going to be similar to the Red Light Romeos show, where it was mostly children dancing before the break, and most of the adult dancing was going to happen during the second set.

However, Ricardo announced the break and realized it was one song too soon. Suddenly for the final song of the first set, there were a lot of adults dancing. I believe it was more that they recognized the song and wanted to dance to it, but it was fun to watch the effect.

As it was, the dancing waxed and waned during the second set as well. One of the last songs started a pilgrimage of dancers.

I even saw a dog dancing. I think it was largely that his owners got him worked up, but he had really intelligent eyes... maybe he felt the funk as well. After all, if you're not going to feel the funk on a warm summer night in the park, when are you going to feel it?

Band links:

https://www.sabrosopdx.com/

https://www.facebook.com/Sabrosopdx/

https://www.instagram.com/sabrosopdx/

https://twitter.com/Sabrosopdx

Hillsboro, Oregon Showtime Concert Series:

https://www.hillsboro-oregon.gov/our-city/departments/parks-recreation/recreation-fun/special-events/showtime-concert-series

Outdoor Concert Review: Red Light Romeos

I am not back to two reviews per week regularly, but this week turned out to be special. We are in the season of free outdoor concerts! I will focus on the bands but also make note of the venues and series.

Last night that meant checking out Red Light Romeos at Sherwood's Music on the Green series at Stella Olson Memorial Park. 

The park is an interesting blend of public use and preservation, with a wetland section running between the stage and audience (meaning that if the audience were going to storm the stage, it would be considerate to stick to the bridge). A heron flew over the stage during the show, and I saw dragonflies, but I do not seem to be covered with bites today. That works.

The stage capacity could shelter a much larger ensemble than the four-man grouping last night, but the sound transmission was great. 

I don't know how much of that was natural acoustics and how much was technology, but it seemed appropriate for such a flexible band. 

Yacht rock cover band Red Light Romeos in photos is always three men with three guitars (it looked like two 6-string and one bass, but there was some switching around), and trading off on vocals.

However, they have the option -- depending on needs -- of adding another vocalist, a keyboardist, or, as was the case last night, just a drummer.

This is not a great picture, but notice some drum chimes, just like the Doobie Brothers used.

Because of course, the Doobie Brothers are covered, along with Christopher Cross and Robbie Dupree. There are also bands covered that might not be considered strictly "yacht rock", like Fleetwood Mac and the Eagles, as well as bands that can fit pretty comfortably within yacht rock but may not be well remembered now. (I never even knew that band's name was Orleans.)

The band played two sets, opening up with a little bit more of an easy listening session that was perfect for being out on a warm summer day. Then after people had loosened up (there was been and wine for sale), they turned up the tempo for dancing.

Member Mike Johnson is in three J-Fell bands, and he says people often tell him Red Light Romeos is their favorite. I can see that. Some of that might just be timing -- there can legitimately be times when you want '80s dance music or Journey music -- but last night worked, and was a good experience.

Band page:
https://j-fell.com/redlightromeos/

Other posts about J-Fell bands:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2019/01/concert-review-grand-illusion.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2019/01/concert-review-stone-in-love.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/01/live-show-review-radical-revolution.html

Music on the Green:

https://www.sherwoodoregon.gov/communityservice/page/2021-music-green

A bridging anger

There was another incident of medical anger that helped me get mad about the insulin.

Yesterday I mentioned an A1C test. Technically, I should not have capitalized the "c".

It can also be HbA1c. It checks the amount of glycated hemoglobin, which is hemoglobin chemically linked to sugar. 

It was not considered a good diagnostic tool for diabetes back when I was diagnosed in 2000, though they seem to have decided that it's fine now. Previously, the diagnosis would be based on high fasting blood sugar scores, and maybe you would take multiple of them at different times. The A1c gives you an idea of your blood sugar level for the past 2-3 months, as your blood cells all die off and are replaced over three months. That seems like it would be indicative.

Regardless, it is used to monitor diabetes as well, and I get tested every 2-3 months.

Here is something I don't believe I have posted about before: I am a terrible blood draw. 

That was not always the case. Once I was first eligible to give blood I felt like I should do it as often as possible (there's that overinflated sense of responsibility again) and I gave regularly for several years. 

At some point, phlebotomists started having a harder time with me. It appeared that my veins had gotten all thin and stringy, where the needles would bounce off, or they were shy and would cringe away from the needle, or something like that. They would definitely see a vein, but then being able to draw blood from it was not guaranteed.

The worst time ever -- at that walk-in clinic -- the assistant tried seven times. Fortunately it was one of the good doctors that day. She got me on her first try, but cumulatively, it was eight.

(She also used a smaller, butterfly needle. That seems to be pretty standard now, but in the early 2000s it wasn't, at least not there.)

I am not particularly squeamish and I don't have any needle phobias, but the multiple pokes don't feel good. Even worse is that sense of being defective right down to my veins.

Recently one lab tech asked if I used to donate blood a lot, because it might be scar tissue. Possibly, but the question that they ask most frequently is whether I have had any water.

Yes. Always. I always drink water. Clearly I was not drinking enough. I mean, what other explanation could there be?

With this a blood draw shortly before I got mad at my pharmacist, I was determined to do better that day. I use a 25 oz reusable water bottle. I emptied it once, then twice; my veins were going to be plump and full. 

I emptied it a third time. I drunk so much water I literally felt sick to my stomach. I made myself sick, and I was still a tough draw.

I didn't get mad at the phlebotomist right then, though she was a jerk and I did not have warm feelings toward her. When I really got mad was when I found out that the excessive water drinking had messed up my sodium levels.

I was hurting my body to try and make it conform to someone else's preferences, and all it did was mess more things up. 

Even I have to learn sooner or later.

There was something else that was off too. First, I am going to drop some more medical knowledge.

Sometimes (more frequently lately), when I get my A1c I also get a CBC: Complete Blood Count. It literally counts the amount of oxygen-carrying red blood cells, infection-fighting white blood cells, and clotting platelets in your sample. 

It also measures the concentration of hemoglobin, the oxygen-carrying protein in the red blood cells,  and hematocrit, the proportion of red blood cells to plasma.

My mother had a round of anemia combined with a blood clot that was affecting her oxygen delivery, which led to many procedures and medication that can impact clotting. I was really boning up on the red blood cells and platelets three years ago. 

I could have drawn upon that knowledge if that were my problem. I guess I am still a bad draw.

And I am probably not going to get to that until next week, because music reviews and also have room to follow-up and rant a little. For now, let's just say I have a little white blood cell problem.

Knowing my body, part 1

Two quick notes: Today's post expresses some frustration with the medical establishment, but you should notice two things that are not there.

1. There is no reason to try and extrapolate it to anything about vaccinations, which I fully support as a measure in support of personal health and as a matter of doing the least possible to be a decent human being.
2. There are no requests for advice.
   

I have diabetes. That means that I have to be concerned with my blood sugar. 

Too high sugar levels in my blood can cause organ and nerve damage over time; no one wants that. Taking things to correct for that may sometimes work too well, though, and if my blood sugar goes too low that can lead to other symptoms. Comas are possible in either direction.

The sugar from the food you eat gets absorbed into your cells, promoted via a hormone called insulin, manufactured by your pancreas. Therefore, you might assume that high blood sugar is a result of non-functioning or at least under-performing pancreas. That is commonly an issue, but other things can affect it too. 

Your liver will release sugar back into the bloodstream at night. Sometimes it overdoes that. Then you might wake up with higher blood sugar, but have it normalize during the day. Sometimes there is also insulin resistance, where your body does not react to the insulin well. Then your pancreas might not only be performing, but producing too much trying to compensate.

I write that because people make a lot of assumptions about diabetes, that frequently correlate with assumptions about fat people, but it is more complicated than that.

(For example, in children there is an assumption that it is just a faulty pancreas, and they call that Type 1 diabetes, and that you don't get to blame the patient for it. Both types are increasing now, and I suspect some of the perceived distinction may be unhelpful)

When I first got diagnosed with diabetes, I had excellent insurance. That may have been the luckiest break of my life. It came on the scene with an infection that required hospitalization, but that was all covered, plus an education class that put me in good stead.

Then, when I lost that job and did not have good insurance or a regular doctor, I went to a walk-in clinic where it was a different doctor every time. Some of them were good but a lot of them were not great. I did not do so well.

Then I got a better job and a referral to an endocrinologist. Things were really under control. Yes, it required expensive medication, but I could manage the co-pays, and I was doing well.

Then, I was unemployed again and became a caregiver. That disrupted everything.

I am blessed to live in a state that believes that poor people deserve medical care, but the quality may still be lower. No endocrinologist this time, but they did have a pharmacist that I would have phone calls with, going over my blood sugar scores and adjusting doses.

Getting back to the complexity of diabetes, I mentioned some things that affect it, but there are a lot more. How much water you drink matters, because dehydration concentrates your blood sugar and because dehydration makes everything in your body run worse.

Sleep affects your blood sugar.

Stress might.

What you eat and how much affects it of course, but different people react differently to different foods, beyond the mere measure of the carbohydrates inside. Some people have their blood sugar go higher than you would expect with tomatoes, but a lot of people do really well with nopales. 

I do great when I have a sausage McMuffin for breakfast; I suspect it's the (delicious) protein boost. It still doesn't mean I should have one every day. There is an extent though, where you need to figure out what works for your body, and you are the only person who can know.

There had been a lot of things going on in my life where I was not as good as I should have been for blood sugar. Generally you want to be under 6 for your A1C, and I was running at 7.

The pharmacist kept upping my dose of insulin. I felt like that wasn't the real issue, but I wasn't fighting it because even if I knew that I was not getting enough sleep ever, and not always enough hydration, the circumstances in my life that made that a problem were not changing.

Getting back to those assumptions: there is commonly an assumption of non-compliance with fat patients and with diabetic patients. If it's a fat diabetic... oh boy! That made it harder for me to argue.

Did I mention that since insulin promotes sugar absorption, more of it promotes weight gain?

Over that time period where they kept raising the insulin dose, I gained thirty pounds and my A1C went up to 9.

I finally found my anger. Maybe I finally had recovered enough from the caregiver burnout to have enough energy to hold anger. We were going to lower the doses, and I didn't want to be reckless about it, but her strategy was literally making me sicker.

They hate not medicating you though. It's not that there are bad intentions or a lack of caring, but especially for a pharmacist, what other options are they even trained to see? 

I am now injecting yet another medication, though only weekly for this one. 

I am taking less insulin. My blood sugar is going down, though it also goes low more often. 

The extra fat is probably going to be more resistant, which is not great, because that can be a contributor to insulin resistance.

I should also mention here that I take a statin even though my cholesterol has never been high. Statins are recommended for people with diabetes (especially if you're fat), because they always think you are going to keel over of a heart attack. I resisted for a year on that one, and my cholesterol still never did anything bad, and but the doctor kept pushing and I gave up.

Initially when I was thinking about writing this, I thought it was going to be about my frustration with myself that I didn't put my foot down sooner. The first time my A1C was higher after the increased dose, I should have pushed back then, though also, I would like to think the professional might have had second thoughts about it. 

It is easy to be intimidated and think you should trust the authority figures, even if a lot of what they say comes via pharmaceutical reps pushing studies sponsored by pharmaceutical companies.

And yet somehow, having typed all of this up, I can't help wondering if the issue might be more systemic than a matter of personal responsibility.

Out of touch, over time

I think today's post is going to be messy, but I will start with a story.

My second year in college, I went to an acoustic night. A friend of mine was going to be playing, and I was waiting for him. 

This guy walked up that I found very attractive from seeing his picture in the football team's press guide. We had never met, but a couple of week's earlier I had made room for him at a basketball game, until some friends called him to their spot. So, our previous only exchange had been when he thanked me.

He showed up at the acoustic night, standing and watching for a while. I looked at him, saw he was looking at me, and turned away. Every time I looked back over, he was looking at me. Obviously, he was playing wrong; you are supposed to try and not be caught. 

He left, but after the show was over I decided to take our loop round the student center to see if he was still around. I saw him at the study tables. I went over, and he watched the entire approach.

Then we had a nice conversation and would talk whenever we met, but he never asked me out.

You could certainly decide that I fumbled the ball there, and more details would only make that more likely. However, you could also make a case that I was obviously interested enough that if he had any interest at all he had a green light to act on it. 

(Unless I was sending other signals that I didn't realize, which is a distinct possibility.)

Here is one key factor that I did not realize until much later: although he did not "know" me previously, I had attended a lot of spring practices while I was taking the Football Coaching class.

He almost certainly recognized me from that. Attending one practice was required, so everyone in the class did that, but I kept coming back because I was really struggling with the class. Also, most of the other students were guys. There was another girl, but she understood football better, so she probably only went to one practice.

Sure, they were busy practicing, but I would not have blended in. When he saw me at the game and at the student center, he probably recognized me. That didn't even occur to me until years later.

That kind of helped it occur to me that I was probably pretty visible when I was busily folding sweats and distributing water at high school basketball games. They were pretty well-attended. Maybe even at those assemblies where I won school spelling bees, people notice. 

Perhaps I was always more visible than I knew.

I have written before about how after the first time I was teased for being fat, I was never able to give myself any credit for the fitness that I had. That I was not really fat yet then never sunk in. I passed most of the presidential fitness tests, but only the two that I couldn't do mattered to me. They were my proof that I was just a fat slug.

There is a lot that sets us up to not know ourselves. We doubt our bodies signals and ignore them until we stop hearing. We doubt the connections we feel with other people and we put up protections that may not be necessary, but are also probably less useful than regular resilience would be.

And then, when we do get a bad signal, to keep us safe, we convince ourselves to be nice, and to not make a scene.

The next two posts are going to be about two things going on in my body, neither of which should be happening, but for different reasons.