Dealing with my mother's impending death has me remembering two other things times when the possibility was right there.
I don't talk about the first one a lot. My mother was dropping me off at the train.
At this point, she was still doing pretty well. We were still a couple of years away from her getting lost or losing any existing memories. However, it was getting darker, and the cars around us looked fast with glaring lights. I had this terrible thought that it was not safe to let her drive back to the house by herself.
It was a short distance, though one she would get lost from, maybe two years later. It should have been fine, but an inner voice was screaming at me to not let it happen. I had her drive back home with me. Once she was in the house I ran to the bus stop. I was a little late, but I knew it was the right thing.
It felt like a real possibility that there would have been a crash, not necessarily even dementia-related, and that I would have lost her.
It was my birthday, and I had been fighting with my sisters. That would have been terrible timing.
Possibly some of the financial losses and burnout that have happened over the years would not have happened, at least not in the same way, but I think the responsibility I would have felt and that my siblings would have possibly felt toward me... it's hard to believe that would have been a better outcome.
Some good things that did happen would have been missed as well.
The second thing happened a few years later when I was already her caregiver. A few months ahead, I started feeling like she would die in October.
Intellectually I thought that would probably be okay; we would miss some of the heartbreaks that come with the progression of dementia.
As we got closer, I felt like it was too soon and would hurt too much. I started praying -- begging -- that she wouldn't leave us yet.
Obviously, she didn't. I could just have been wrong, but my feelings were that we had been getting close and gotten a reprieve, for which I was grateful.
Once again there were hard times that followed, along with good times too.
I have wondered if there was a purpose in going through those emotions, like maybe she was supposed to stay longer all along, but I needed to have a different perspective on it.
Maybe all of that was in my head.
Regardless, now it is not just my feelings; medical staff have told us that she has entered end of life.
At this point, the good times are very limited. When I visit her and I talk or sing or hold her hand, I feel love for her and that is not a bad thing, but it's not great.
Intellectually, this should be fine, more so than at any time previous.
Emotionally, there is still this internal cry of "Don't leave!"
I am not praying for that. I think this really is getting to the point where it is the best thing.
I also don't know that it is possible to be emotionally ready and welcome it. There might be relief after it has happened, but I am not feeling it now. As much as this has hurt all along, anticipating the end hurts and I am sure the end itself will hurt.
Which I guess is my long way of saying that our hearts and heads are not always caught up.
I think the other important thing to note is that life is hard, but I believe it is worth it.
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