Musically all about my mother... and my father... and me

If it looks like I am obsessing over this pending death, that may be true.

Some of it is figuring out how to handle things combined with my tendency toward rumination.

I don't know that I have actually written this before, but concerns I used to have about my mother's death were that it would happen during a #365FeministSelfie year; when things are hard I don't love capturing that on film. 

We made it into the new year.

In addition, I have worried about it interrupting a specific sequence in the daily songs. At one time I had thought of about seven songs that were important to her, and that I would play those, no matter what, giving a one-week break whenever it happened. 

That could actually work better now as I have seen and accepted sequences getting disrupted a lot this year. However, feeling like this is going to be the month and thinking about music more for a variety of reasons, that is January's theme. If it happens this month, we are already here.

(Then I think February will be all really emotional, grieving songs, so again, we will already be there.)

These are the favorite songs that would have been there for that week, as well as enough others to equal thirty-one days, and to give some overview of her life. 

It is a way of celebrating her, and grieving her, but also a way of noticing things and putting them into perspective.

I hope that will help me with some of the other things I am trying to figure out. 

I do still intend to write about the full list as a media post after the month is done, but some things are bringing up many thoughts. They can have their own posts. At this point, I do not intend to write about any of the songs before they have actually been the song of the day.

So, am I just going to wallow in grief for the rest of the month?

I don't think so. I hope not.

Besides, some of them may take unexpected directions, like tomorrow's intended post.

I promise, I am still thinking about politics. That could come up tomorrow. There will also be things relating to hope and human relations and living a good life.

I am not feeling my most calm and collected. 

For songs that don't require a long post, I started with "New Year's Day" by Reggie and the Full Effect, and then January 2nd was "The '59 Sound" by The Gaslight Anthem.

The first one was not just for the day, though that was convenient. I had used it exactly one year before.

It is from the album 41, inspired by a year where James Dewees lost his mother, his mother-in-law, and his marriage. There were a lot of hospital rooms and a lot of pain.

Hearing it, it sounded like my future. Not the same timeline or circumstances, but some very similar emotions. The enormity of the loss and the insufficient comfort of "she feels no pain" hit really hard. 

Maybe next year I won't need that song so much anymore.

"The '59 Sound" is a pretty great song in general, but also wonders "which song they're gonna play when we go" and "Did you hear your favorite song one last time?"

I have played and sung favorite songs for her, and sometimes that is what breaks through the most. That is part of needing to go over them again.