Over the holiday break...

I haven't written one of these kinds of posts since December 18th.

There is a level on which I thought that was very sensible, because people are busy over the holidays.

I would be lying if I said school and grief weren't issues.

The grief is an important part of that.

I wrote various cards and letters, because the holidays are also a good time to connect. I even talked to some people. 

One thing that kept coming up is how the grief is overtaking me more now. 

In some ways this is practical. I am writing to funeral homes and updating the death list and messaging siblings and answering their questions. The sense of the impending loss is more present now.

In another way, I have been feeling like it shouldn't be this bad. We have been dealing with losing Mom for literally years. Since I am still quite sure that is going to be much worse when she actually does die, why does it also have to be worse now?

It hardly seems fair.

But many of these conversations and letters and thoughts have been with other people who have faced loss, including sometimes specifically with dementia.

It has been good to catch up, and has also shed some light.

Over the years I have felt grief, but I have also put a fair amount of it to the side because there were things I needed to do. 

Now a lot of the things I am doing are specifically about that. It's not really at the side, and there has been enough grief accumulated that it could be coming out for a while.

Also, one of the things I decided to do was that January would all be songs that related to my parents and this process. In the song selection I am deliberately listening to songs that bring strong emotions. That is self-inflicted.

But there is relief in it as well.

And I am going to need to draft an obituary. 

I do keep learning more. I am sure at some point there will be posts about what questions to ask and things to think about when a loved one is dying. I like being able to be helpful, and to take all of these thoughts and problems and put them into words.

I am okay and this is hard.

Those things are equally true.