I had initially thought there would be a third post this week about how primaries need to be changed and how we need to banish our inner racism and misogyny to get to a better place. Then I thought it would be repetitive to other posts I have written, so maybe one post on why you could vote for Biden if he is a rapist, and one on why he might not be a rapist, that those two together could be enough.
Two other things have presented themselves.
First, it appears that Reade had some check fraud issues, and she was allowed to resign instead of being terminated. She may have told her family and friends it was harassment then to save face, and Biden might really have touched her shoulders in an uncomfortable way.
https://twitter.com/ZacAKAMadu/status/1258781555981537281
The initial thread is interesting as well as some of the comments. One person asked why Biden wouldn't have mentioned it in his interview. Someone else suggested confidentiality rules, but I am not even sure he would know that she was let go for that, assuming it happened at least one level below him. Also there was some input on how finance was being scrutinized then, even if some bounced checks don't seem like a big deal. It's interesting.
Again, you look for corroboration and don't leave it at that, but it is worth looking, and ultimately more respectful to everyone involved.
Then this happened:
https://www.rawstory.com/2020/05/woman-who-accused-fauci-of-sex-assault-now-says-trump-supporters-paid-her-to-lie/
I had not heard these allegations at all - which seems fair given that they are false - but I wonder if they are being touted on Fox News or talk radio or something.
It would be easy to ignore, but there are several points that can be illustrative.
First of all, if you don't know who Jacob Wohl is, I first came to know of him as someone who frequently tweeted about things he heard in coffee shops frequented by hipsters. They rarely seemed true, but if that was all he did, it would not matter much.
Here is a little bit more about whom he tries to be:
https://www.thecut.com/2020/05/who-is-jacob-wohl-failed-smears.html
The weird thing is that he is so bad at it, and doesn't get any better. Except, maybe he is competent enough for the intended audience. If people are eager to believe something, maybe you don't have to work very hard on the lie. Just remember, some of those lies get people killed.
Dr. Fauci was targeted because of the Coronavirus, and his recommendations based on it.
From Wohl collaborator Jack Burkman: "“This guy shut the country down. He put 40 million people out of work.
In a situation like that, you have to make up whatever you have to make
up to stop that train and that’s the way life works, okay? That’s the
way it goes.”
I recently read Crash Override by Zoë Quinn about their experiences with an internet hate mob's attempts to destroy them. It was very interesting and well-written and I recommend it. One of the things that has stayed with me is that they pointed out that the mobs feel like they are the good guys. They can only do it by dehumanizing the target, but it works for them.
So speaking of de-humanization, let's look at the continuation of the conversation quoted, when Andrade was not sure about Fauci being wrong, because the virus was really dangerous:
“Mother Nature has to clean the barn every so often. How real is it? Who knows? So what if 1 percent of the population goes? So what if you lose 400,000 people? 200,000 were elderly, the other 200,000 are the bottom of society. You got to clean out the barn. If it’s real, it’s a positive thing, for God’s sake.”
Of course the death rate is still climbing, but as long as it's just old people and the bottom of society, you know, like first responders (and their children) and restaurant workers and meat packing plant workers and grocery store employees. We know we don't need them because we don't make them keep working. Wait.
When I posted the article on my Facebook I referred to Wohl as a cartoon supervillain made real, because it sounds so over the top evil. It wouldn't matter if there weren't so many others who ate it up.
You know one of the details that really bugged me? They used Andrade because she had been assaulted once, and so she had details. She just needed to change the attacker. I mean, paying people to lie and trying to sabotage someone so there are fewer people arguing for preventing deaths is a lot; maybe at that point exploiting an old wound doesn't even matter. I only know that it's times like these when I feel like I really I hate people.
And then I know I don't actually hate people, and so I write or talk or post an article.
Anything to try and stop the banal, stupid, hateful little evils, that still seem to be far more effective than anything I do.
Friday, May 08, 2020
Wednesday, May 06, 2020
Assessing allegations
I wanted to spend some time going over the weight that I give the Biden allegations and why. I'll start right out by telling you that there are going to be so many buts and qualifications that it will seem almost useless. There may still be some value.
For the record, I started out thinking they were probably true, and now I am leaning more toward them not being true.
The first thing in favor of them being true is that 92 to 98 percent of accusations are true. That is a reason to at least take any accusation seriously. Also, remember this from yesterday: THE REMEDY FOR FALSE ALLEGATIONS IS INVESTIGATION!
A vote against believing was the timing and source of the reports. Katie Halper is not the best source, and it does feel like the allegations are being promoted mostly by Sanders supporters. One could expect the GOP to look for something else on Joe Biden, given that the Hunter Biden/Ukraine stuff didn't work out, but calling attention to rape allegations is not their best bet.
Also, now? Thirty years later and toward the end of the primaries but after the other good ones have dropped out?
However, sometimes you take the source that will listen, and many women are finding it harder to stay silent now. Blasey-Ford had started thinking about saying something about Kavanaugh in 2012, but it felt more and more urgent as he got closer to confirmation to the Supreme Court.
For another word on sources, let's remember that The National Enquirer broke the John Edwards story, but they held information back on Weinstein and Trump. There is a lot more that goes into what gets reported than whether it matters or whether it's true.
Another vote for believing is Joe Biden's overall track record of not respecting women's personal space, and the persistence of rape culture over time. It is completely possible to believe that in the 90s a man known for being hand-sy might make a pass at a women that would count as digital rape (meaning fingers, not computerized) and that he would not even think of it as rape. In some jurisdictions it probably would not have counted as rape. That is not a justification for him; that is a condemnation of rape laws and the lack of respect historically for women's bodily autonomy. It doesn't mean all men rape, so it does not determine any claim, but it's important to understand that context.
The most important vote for believing was the corroboration. It sounded like she told people at the time, with a positive ID, and they remembered and were willing to go on record as remembering.
That has some real weight to it. Other people can lie too, of course, and that is why you look for a paper trail and other confirmations.
For example, there was an accusation of harassment by Biden at a 2008 event, but investigation revealed that he was not there. Could they have gotten the event wrong, but the story right? That's why you dig deeper.
https://www.foxnews.com/politics/dinner-organizer-says-biden-was-not-at-event-where-alleged-sexual-harassment
Ironically - and as another testimonial to the importance of investigation - this is where I have started to question Reade's claims, as the story is starting to change more, and becoming harder to verify.
Some details can be hard to remember, especially after this amount of time. Also, I had initially thought all of the corroborating people were on the record, and at least one is anonymous. That is not a definite dis-qualifier, but it is weaker.
At this point, Reade herself said that her filed complaint does not mention the rape, only objectification. However, being able to locate the complaint would at least demonstrate a part of the story that is verifiable, and that is sounding less and less likely. It appears that Senate record handling processes leave something to be desired, but since the complaint did not contain anything criminal, then it seems believable when staff members do not remember fielding complaints. We can at least give their memories as much weight as Reade's,
At this point, I think her claims could be true but are more likely not true. Maybe.
Is this less satisfying than being able to either declare Reade a liar or Biden a rapist? Obviously.
Will I still vote for Biden? In the general, definitely. Warren is on the Oregon ballot for the primary and I will vote for her, clearly the superior candidate among Biden, Sanders, and Gabbard. That won't change anything, but I'm still doing it.
I will acknowledge that I think Biden is handling this well; clearly denying while still acknowledging that women deserve to be heard, and requesting documents.
On the point of opening up the university archive, it shouldn't have the complaint, and I think at one point you have to draw a line. The birthers saw the regular birth certificate and the announcement and the long form, and they still didn't believe it. I don't know that we are there yet in this case, but I am not criticizing his actions related to this so far.
This is amazing, because in Biden's responses to other complaints on the personal space issue, or even questions about how he mishandled the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings (letting the other women speak would have been good), he has really shown that he hasn't learned anything. Clearly someone coached him. However, a potential president listening to someone smarter than him and acting on it is a good thing, and was not previously viewed as a luxury.
"Probably not a rapist" is not the strongest election slogan, but if there are issues there, and how we got here, and with my primary vote not really mattering, well, that might be a topic for another day.
For more on the topic:
https://www.thecut.com/2020/04/joe-biden-accuser-accusations-allegations.html
NEW: Obviously it still needs further digging, but this may explain the corroboration and a lot of things:
https://twitter.com/ZacAKAMadu/status/1258781555981537281
For the record, I started out thinking they were probably true, and now I am leaning more toward them not being true.
The first thing in favor of them being true is that 92 to 98 percent of accusations are true. That is a reason to at least take any accusation seriously. Also, remember this from yesterday: THE REMEDY FOR FALSE ALLEGATIONS IS INVESTIGATION!
A vote against believing was the timing and source of the reports. Katie Halper is not the best source, and it does feel like the allegations are being promoted mostly by Sanders supporters. One could expect the GOP to look for something else on Joe Biden, given that the Hunter Biden/Ukraine stuff didn't work out, but calling attention to rape allegations is not their best bet.
Also, now? Thirty years later and toward the end of the primaries but after the other good ones have dropped out?
However, sometimes you take the source that will listen, and many women are finding it harder to stay silent now. Blasey-Ford had started thinking about saying something about Kavanaugh in 2012, but it felt more and more urgent as he got closer to confirmation to the Supreme Court.
For another word on sources, let's remember that The National Enquirer broke the John Edwards story, but they held information back on Weinstein and Trump. There is a lot more that goes into what gets reported than whether it matters or whether it's true.
Another vote for believing is Joe Biden's overall track record of not respecting women's personal space, and the persistence of rape culture over time. It is completely possible to believe that in the 90s a man known for being hand-sy might make a pass at a women that would count as digital rape (meaning fingers, not computerized) and that he would not even think of it as rape. In some jurisdictions it probably would not have counted as rape. That is not a justification for him; that is a condemnation of rape laws and the lack of respect historically for women's bodily autonomy. It doesn't mean all men rape, so it does not determine any claim, but it's important to understand that context.
The most important vote for believing was the corroboration. It sounded like she told people at the time, with a positive ID, and they remembered and were willing to go on record as remembering.
That has some real weight to it. Other people can lie too, of course, and that is why you look for a paper trail and other confirmations.
For example, there was an accusation of harassment by Biden at a 2008 event, but investigation revealed that he was not there. Could they have gotten the event wrong, but the story right? That's why you dig deeper.
https://www.foxnews.com/politics/dinner-organizer-says-biden-was-not-at-event-where-alleged-sexual-harassment
Ironically - and as another testimonial to the importance of investigation - this is where I have started to question Reade's claims, as the story is starting to change more, and becoming harder to verify.
Some details can be hard to remember, especially after this amount of time. Also, I had initially thought all of the corroborating people were on the record, and at least one is anonymous. That is not a definite dis-qualifier, but it is weaker.
At this point, Reade herself said that her filed complaint does not mention the rape, only objectification. However, being able to locate the complaint would at least demonstrate a part of the story that is verifiable, and that is sounding less and less likely. It appears that Senate record handling processes leave something to be desired, but since the complaint did not contain anything criminal, then it seems believable when staff members do not remember fielding complaints. We can at least give their memories as much weight as Reade's,
At this point, I think her claims could be true but are more likely not true. Maybe.
Is this less satisfying than being able to either declare Reade a liar or Biden a rapist? Obviously.
Will I still vote for Biden? In the general, definitely. Warren is on the Oregon ballot for the primary and I will vote for her, clearly the superior candidate among Biden, Sanders, and Gabbard. That won't change anything, but I'm still doing it.
I will acknowledge that I think Biden is handling this well; clearly denying while still acknowledging that women deserve to be heard, and requesting documents.
On the point of opening up the university archive, it shouldn't have the complaint, and I think at one point you have to draw a line. The birthers saw the regular birth certificate and the announcement and the long form, and they still didn't believe it. I don't know that we are there yet in this case, but I am not criticizing his actions related to this so far.
This is amazing, because in Biden's responses to other complaints on the personal space issue, or even questions about how he mishandled the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings (letting the other women speak would have been good), he has really shown that he hasn't learned anything. Clearly someone coached him. However, a potential president listening to someone smarter than him and acting on it is a good thing, and was not previously viewed as a luxury.
"Probably not a rapist" is not the strongest election slogan, but if there are issues there, and how we got here, and with my primary vote not really mattering, well, that might be a topic for another day.
For more on the topic:
https://www.thecut.com/2020/04/joe-biden-accuser-accusations-allegations.html
NEW: Obviously it still needs further digging, but this may explain the corroboration and a lot of things:
https://twitter.com/ZacAKAMadu/status/1258781555981537281
Monday, May 04, 2020
Some thoughts on Joe Biden
It is possible that Joe Biden raped Tara Reade. It is very discouraging how badly people are handling that.
Calls for firing Chris Hayes were trending on Twitter for reporting on the allegations. I suppose that is better than the people saying that Reade is too ugly to have been a victim, or calling her crazy; have we really not gotten any better than that over the years?
There is a way in which the anger could make sense, in that people are afraid that it will lead to a Trump victory in November. That would indeed be terrible. However, that anger and unwillingness to listen and tendency toward personal insult is typical of many similar stories, and we need to grow beyond that.
So maybe the first thing to get out of the way is that we can vote for Joe Biden even if the allegations are true. It's not just that Trump is a horror of the first magnitude as president, whereas Biden would probably be no worse than underwhelming. If rape is disqualifying for the presidency (I could be okay with that), then Trump has more allegations, not just in quantity but in how appalling and how credible the accusations are.
(One of the most chilling and accurate things I read was from a friend who asked whether we thought we had never voted for a rapist before. Point taken.)
So the first thing to say to Republicans who are saying that Democrats only care about allegations that don't affect their candidates: Clean your own house first.
To Democrats who are acting like that is true, we need to be better than this.
That's not just a general saying, where you would want to hold to a higher standard than the party that has gone from a death cult feeding off racism to adding in a personality cult that has multiplied the death and the racism. That's a low bar; we should be better than that without trying.
No, I say we need to be better than that because it is the refusal to rise above the petty bigotry and structural racism and misgyny that everything is built on that keeps us from improving.
Think of the Civil Rights Movement in the 60s, and the way they inspired people and legislation. Why is there still so much unequal enforcement of law?
Think of all of the studies debunking beliefs about women and their abilities and job performance. Why are pay disparities still a problem?
Yes, there was Russian meddling in the election, but it worked by stoking racism and sexism and we should not have fallen for it. There is an extent to which anyone likely to be concerned about this issue - rape allegations against a Democrat - did not fall for the Russian propaganda, but are you still worrying too much about trying to appeal to the working class? When you picture the working class, in your mind's eye, are they still white men?
That's why we don't get anywhere. That's why we had a strong economy and a budget surplus with Clinton, then election fraud that should have been fought harder, intelligence that was ignored because it didn't fit the administration's priorities resulting in 9/11, huge tax cuts benefiting the rich and corporations and two countries invaded, which led to a huge loss in lives, money, and civil liberties with W. (Who is getting more approval than he deserves now; see that low bar thing.)
That's why we made improvement on health care accessibility, improved relations with other countries under Obama, and had it all trashed at a breathtaking pace with Trump.
It's certainly why Democrats ended up with one of the most mediocre candidates out of a really strong field.
I can give more examples and break it down more, but if you are not getting the drift yet it is going to take too much for this post.
So I am going to add one bit of hope for those reasonable concerns about Trump.
Investigating works.
I take false allegations very seriously. Someone I care about has had to deal with some. That's not my story to tell, but I can tell you this: even though my initial reaction was that it couldn't be true, I read through everything carefully. I believe in truth and I believe in listening to women, even if that does not require automatic belief.
It felt much better having read the allegations and seeing all the ways in which they didn't hold up than it did just hoping it wasn't true.
It feels like too often when there are accusations the reaction comes down to disbelief if you like the person and belief if you don't. Likability is not the best predictor of innocence anyway, but that leaves you with injustice on multiple sides. There may also be uncomfortable fear and guilt that you can try to ignore, but succeeding makes you a worse person.
You may lose a hero; I know Cosby still hurts for a lot of people. What we gain is better.
I know there are a lot of people who don't want a truly equal society, but I am not writing for them. If you want a freer, more equal world, it takes listening to the marginalized, and taking accusations seriously, and not bending to power, and trying to help make things better.
We can do that, and it's worth it.
I will write more about this.
Calls for firing Chris Hayes were trending on Twitter for reporting on the allegations. I suppose that is better than the people saying that Reade is too ugly to have been a victim, or calling her crazy; have we really not gotten any better than that over the years?
There is a way in which the anger could make sense, in that people are afraid that it will lead to a Trump victory in November. That would indeed be terrible. However, that anger and unwillingness to listen and tendency toward personal insult is typical of many similar stories, and we need to grow beyond that.
So maybe the first thing to get out of the way is that we can vote for Joe Biden even if the allegations are true. It's not just that Trump is a horror of the first magnitude as president, whereas Biden would probably be no worse than underwhelming. If rape is disqualifying for the presidency (I could be okay with that), then Trump has more allegations, not just in quantity but in how appalling and how credible the accusations are.
(One of the most chilling and accurate things I read was from a friend who asked whether we thought we had never voted for a rapist before. Point taken.)
So the first thing to say to Republicans who are saying that Democrats only care about allegations that don't affect their candidates: Clean your own house first.
To Democrats who are acting like that is true, we need to be better than this.
That's not just a general saying, where you would want to hold to a higher standard than the party that has gone from a death cult feeding off racism to adding in a personality cult that has multiplied the death and the racism. That's a low bar; we should be better than that without trying.
No, I say we need to be better than that because it is the refusal to rise above the petty bigotry and structural racism and misgyny that everything is built on that keeps us from improving.
Think of the Civil Rights Movement in the 60s, and the way they inspired people and legislation. Why is there still so much unequal enforcement of law?
Think of all of the studies debunking beliefs about women and their abilities and job performance. Why are pay disparities still a problem?
Yes, there was Russian meddling in the election, but it worked by stoking racism and sexism and we should not have fallen for it. There is an extent to which anyone likely to be concerned about this issue - rape allegations against a Democrat - did not fall for the Russian propaganda, but are you still worrying too much about trying to appeal to the working class? When you picture the working class, in your mind's eye, are they still white men?
That's why we don't get anywhere. That's why we had a strong economy and a budget surplus with Clinton, then election fraud that should have been fought harder, intelligence that was ignored because it didn't fit the administration's priorities resulting in 9/11, huge tax cuts benefiting the rich and corporations and two countries invaded, which led to a huge loss in lives, money, and civil liberties with W. (Who is getting more approval than he deserves now; see that low bar thing.)
That's why we made improvement on health care accessibility, improved relations with other countries under Obama, and had it all trashed at a breathtaking pace with Trump.
It's certainly why Democrats ended up with one of the most mediocre candidates out of a really strong field.
I can give more examples and break it down more, but if you are not getting the drift yet it is going to take too much for this post.
So I am going to add one bit of hope for those reasonable concerns about Trump.
Investigating works.
I take false allegations very seriously. Someone I care about has had to deal with some. That's not my story to tell, but I can tell you this: even though my initial reaction was that it couldn't be true, I read through everything carefully. I believe in truth and I believe in listening to women, even if that does not require automatic belief.
It felt much better having read the allegations and seeing all the ways in which they didn't hold up than it did just hoping it wasn't true.
It feels like too often when there are accusations the reaction comes down to disbelief if you like the person and belief if you don't. Likability is not the best predictor of innocence anyway, but that leaves you with injustice on multiple sides. There may also be uncomfortable fear and guilt that you can try to ignore, but succeeding makes you a worse person.
You may lose a hero; I know Cosby still hurts for a lot of people. What we gain is better.
I know there are a lot of people who don't want a truly equal society, but I am not writing for them. If you want a freer, more equal world, it takes listening to the marginalized, and taking accusations seriously, and not bending to power, and trying to help make things better.
We can do that, and it's worth it.
I will write more about this.
Friday, May 01, 2020
Ten albums that influenced me and how
I did the Facebook postings in the order in which they came into my life, at least to the extent that I remembered it correctly. That was not exactly the order of release, but pretty close.
For the summary I thought it would be fun to group them by the influences that they had. It may make some strange bedfellows, but some of them might be quite comfortable together.
Albums that taught me small but important things:
Toys in the Attic, Aerosmith, 1975
Mad Season, Matchbox 20, 2000
Toys was the first album I bought. Well, I picked it out. Mom was buying us each a record. I was five, and was advised I would not like it, but the cover had all of these toys, and was really cool.
I learned that you can't pick an album by its cover, but also, give it some time and that album is okay. You can grow into music.
With Mad Season I was much older (almost 30), but so many guys tried to tell me that I could not like it, or that it couldn't be among my favorites. I get that Matchbox 20 is not as great a band as the Ramones, but it's my choice. Taste is subjective, and you don't get a vote.
I don't get a vote on yours, either, though I will probably have some thoughts.
Albums that changed something about how I did music
"Weird Al" Yankovic in 3-D, "Weird Al" Yankovic, 1984
From Under the Cork Tree, Fall Out Boy, 2005
I love music but am not great at it. You may not know that I have written a lot of songs, and it's fine that you don't. "Weird Al" had an earlier album, but on the second album I started hearing more, and it sunk in. While in junior high and a little into high school I still wrote a lot of whole songs, but I also wrote some song parodies. That's on "Weird Al".
You are more likely to know that I love karaoke, and if you have been there you have an idea of my ability, but Fall Out Boy has big songs and they bring out the best in me. From Under the Cork Tree was the album that helped the most, and I have sung every release from that album in front of somebody.
Albums that changed my identity
Ramones-Mania, Ramones, 1988
Indestructible, Rancid, 2003
I was always okay with the Ramones, but late in life I realized that I loved them, and not long after that I realized that I loved The Clash. The worst thing about that is it happened not long before Joey Ramone's death, and then in short order we lost DeeDee, Johnny, and Joe Strummer. That was terrible, wishing I hadn't waited so long and realizing the difficulties that punk bands faced in getting airplay so that even getting exposure was an issue. However, I still did not think of myself as a real punk aficionado; it was just a coincidence that I loved two key punk bands.
It was not a coincidence; Rancid showed me that. Gina is a punk rocker, and it actually makes sense. I'm never rowdy for the sake of being rowdy, but politeness that covers up evil is evil itself, DIY is a good ethic, and if you can use humor to deal with your anger, that can help a lot.
Also, Mormon is basically straight edge, but without the tattoos.
Albums that changed my world
Hunting High and Low, A-ha, 1985
Danger Days: True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys, My Chemical Romance, 2010
We got MTV shortly after it started, so I had been into music videos for at least three years before "Take On Me". I had ones I liked better than others, but A-ha was the first time when it was a band, and I thought about wanting to see them (and did), and I bought songbooks and tried playing the songs and bought teen magazines for scraps of interviews and new pictures. It is still one of my favorite albums, and certainly the first one I memorized.
I had been really into music until my mission, and then when I came back there were fewer music videos being play, and it was mainly grunge and gangster rap. It felt like I didn't really have a place there anymore. Getting into punk helped, but that was older music, and the players were dying off. Then life got really tough, and I was in a deep and joyless rut.
Danger Days brought me back to life. It wasn't just that it gave me new music and a new band, but it helped me see that there were even more bands, and I didn't need a video channel to find them. It got me writing again, a lot, and Frank Iero came to me in a dream and got me a bass guitar, so I have tried playing again. Still terrible, but there are worse things.
Albums that changed how I listen to music
Fluke, Something She Said, 1991
Last Stop Crappy Town, Reggie and the Full Effect, 2008, expanded edition in 2020
Fluke was the first independent album I bought, though I was starting to get to know a lot of people in bands. I remember specifically talking to the singer after I'd listened. I mentioned that there were some recording issues that I assumed were a budget factor. They were not. He was a little irked, and I felt bad about that. He didn't hold a grudge, but it stayed with me because I started thinking about why you might want things to sound differently. I love melody, but sometimes it doesn't fit for what you need to convey. There are reasons for fuzz and static and sludge. I am more open to understanding artistic intentions and what is done deliberately because of John.
That still does not mean I get everything right on the first try. It has taken me a long time to understand Crappy Town.
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/04/album-review-last-stop-crappytown.html
I reviewed this less than a month ago, so I don't necessarily want to write a lot about it now, but this album is incredibly rich. If a modern dance company wanted to explore addiction, I think this would be a great soundtrack.
It's almost too new to say that it's an influence. Just today after posting about it on Facebook I realized something new about it. So I think there is a personal influence, and that will be better understood over time, but for realizing how much can go into an album, and how well it can work and unfold, this is huge.
For the summary I thought it would be fun to group them by the influences that they had. It may make some strange bedfellows, but some of them might be quite comfortable together.
Albums that taught me small but important things:
Toys in the Attic, Aerosmith, 1975
Mad Season, Matchbox 20, 2000
Toys was the first album I bought. Well, I picked it out. Mom was buying us each a record. I was five, and was advised I would not like it, but the cover had all of these toys, and was really cool.
I learned that you can't pick an album by its cover, but also, give it some time and that album is okay. You can grow into music.
With Mad Season I was much older (almost 30), but so many guys tried to tell me that I could not like it, or that it couldn't be among my favorites. I get that Matchbox 20 is not as great a band as the Ramones, but it's my choice. Taste is subjective, and you don't get a vote.
I don't get a vote on yours, either, though I will probably have some thoughts.
Albums that changed something about how I did music
"Weird Al" Yankovic in 3-D, "Weird Al" Yankovic, 1984
From Under the Cork Tree, Fall Out Boy, 2005
I love music but am not great at it. You may not know that I have written a lot of songs, and it's fine that you don't. "Weird Al" had an earlier album, but on the second album I started hearing more, and it sunk in. While in junior high and a little into high school I still wrote a lot of whole songs, but I also wrote some song parodies. That's on "Weird Al".
You are more likely to know that I love karaoke, and if you have been there you have an idea of my ability, but Fall Out Boy has big songs and they bring out the best in me. From Under the Cork Tree was the album that helped the most, and I have sung every release from that album in front of somebody.
Albums that changed my identity
Ramones-Mania, Ramones, 1988
Indestructible, Rancid, 2003
I was always okay with the Ramones, but late in life I realized that I loved them, and not long after that I realized that I loved The Clash. The worst thing about that is it happened not long before Joey Ramone's death, and then in short order we lost DeeDee, Johnny, and Joe Strummer. That was terrible, wishing I hadn't waited so long and realizing the difficulties that punk bands faced in getting airplay so that even getting exposure was an issue. However, I still did not think of myself as a real punk aficionado; it was just a coincidence that I loved two key punk bands.
It was not a coincidence; Rancid showed me that. Gina is a punk rocker, and it actually makes sense. I'm never rowdy for the sake of being rowdy, but politeness that covers up evil is evil itself, DIY is a good ethic, and if you can use humor to deal with your anger, that can help a lot.
Also, Mormon is basically straight edge, but without the tattoos.
Albums that changed my world
Hunting High and Low, A-ha, 1985
Danger Days: True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys, My Chemical Romance, 2010
We got MTV shortly after it started, so I had been into music videos for at least three years before "Take On Me". I had ones I liked better than others, but A-ha was the first time when it was a band, and I thought about wanting to see them (and did), and I bought songbooks and tried playing the songs and bought teen magazines for scraps of interviews and new pictures. It is still one of my favorite albums, and certainly the first one I memorized.
I had been really into music until my mission, and then when I came back there were fewer music videos being play, and it was mainly grunge and gangster rap. It felt like I didn't really have a place there anymore. Getting into punk helped, but that was older music, and the players were dying off. Then life got really tough, and I was in a deep and joyless rut.
Danger Days brought me back to life. It wasn't just that it gave me new music and a new band, but it helped me see that there were even more bands, and I didn't need a video channel to find them. It got me writing again, a lot, and Frank Iero came to me in a dream and got me a bass guitar, so I have tried playing again. Still terrible, but there are worse things.
Albums that changed how I listen to music
Fluke, Something She Said, 1991
Last Stop Crappy Town, Reggie and the Full Effect, 2008, expanded edition in 2020
Fluke was the first independent album I bought, though I was starting to get to know a lot of people in bands. I remember specifically talking to the singer after I'd listened. I mentioned that there were some recording issues that I assumed were a budget factor. They were not. He was a little irked, and I felt bad about that. He didn't hold a grudge, but it stayed with me because I started thinking about why you might want things to sound differently. I love melody, but sometimes it doesn't fit for what you need to convey. There are reasons for fuzz and static and sludge. I am more open to understanding artistic intentions and what is done deliberately because of John.
That still does not mean I get everything right on the first try. It has taken me a long time to understand Crappy Town.
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/04/album-review-last-stop-crappytown.html
I reviewed this less than a month ago, so I don't necessarily want to write a lot about it now, but this album is incredibly rich. If a modern dance company wanted to explore addiction, I think this would be a great soundtrack.
It's almost too new to say that it's an influence. Just today after posting about it on Facebook I realized something new about it. So I think there is a personal influence, and that will be better understood over time, but for realizing how much can go into an album, and how well it can work and unfold, this is huge.
Thursday, April 30, 2020
Influential albums and social media compliance
For the last nine days I have been posting albums that influenced me on Facebook. The original assignment was for ten, so I will finish tomorrow.
Usually social media posts like that want you to tag other people so they have to do it, which makes me uncomfortable, but where I really departed from this one is that you are not supposed to put any explanations about the album, but just the album itself.
I can't do that.
I know I should be able to, but I think about things too much. I don't get to have geeky conversations enough. Why do you think I blog?
I mean, I don't like the chain letter aspect of these posts - "Don't just like!" - anyway, but what really gets me are the limitations. So many of them are "Just one word!" or "Only post this picture; no explanation!" That is not in my personality.
However, in over-analyzing that, I realized it probably makes it easier for other people to participate. Not everyone has the time or inclination for dissertations. I can conceive that for many people it would be less pressure, though I do not respond to it in that way.
For this particular one, I think it would be easy to just give your favorite albums or the ones that meant a lot to you emotionally, or that are really strongly associated with certain ages. Those are all valid topics, but for me an influential album is one that changes something. With many albums important to me, the importance is not because they changed anything but because they fit in with where I was. Of course, sometimes with the influential ones, their influence hit the way it did because of where I was. There's a lot that goes into it.
Therefore, tomorrow I intend to round up the ten, with explanations of the influence, but today's post is about defining the terms, and also why I find it so necessary to do this.
I understand if I come off as neurotic. I'd be worse without the blog.
Usually social media posts like that want you to tag other people so they have to do it, which makes me uncomfortable, but where I really departed from this one is that you are not supposed to put any explanations about the album, but just the album itself.
I can't do that.
I know I should be able to, but I think about things too much. I don't get to have geeky conversations enough. Why do you think I blog?
I mean, I don't like the chain letter aspect of these posts - "Don't just like!" - anyway, but what really gets me are the limitations. So many of them are "Just one word!" or "Only post this picture; no explanation!" That is not in my personality.
However, in over-analyzing that, I realized it probably makes it easier for other people to participate. Not everyone has the time or inclination for dissertations. I can conceive that for many people it would be less pressure, though I do not respond to it in that way.
For this particular one, I think it would be easy to just give your favorite albums or the ones that meant a lot to you emotionally, or that are really strongly associated with certain ages. Those are all valid topics, but for me an influential album is one that changes something. With many albums important to me, the importance is not because they changed anything but because they fit in with where I was. Of course, sometimes with the influential ones, their influence hit the way it did because of where I was. There's a lot that goes into it.
Therefore, tomorrow I intend to round up the ten, with explanations of the influence, but today's post is about defining the terms, and also why I find it so necessary to do this.
I understand if I come off as neurotic. I'd be worse without the blog.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
Messier than karma
All right; now for things coming back to me.
This is a much messier story.
The short version is that a girl that I had helped several years ago saw something I tweeted and she messaged me that I had helped her and she was there for me.
It gets longer because of many different factors.
One is that the reason I was tweeting is that when I had recently posted about my sadness and frustration on Facebook, I had set off a lot of alarms and had people checking on me in various ways to make sure I wasn't suicidal. It is good to be cared for, but it felt like a lot of pressure.
Twitter would normally feel safer for things like that anyway. There are fewer people who know me personally on there, and it is easier to not be noticed. However, because of that period where I was spending a lot of time encouraging and shoring up teenage girls, it makes me reluctant to be the voice of discouragement. Maybe it's good for people to see that we all struggle, but maybe it would be taken as "If she is this down, what hope is there?"
But I need to be able to feel sad and express it. As much as people don't like seeing problems they can't solve, that happens sometimes. I am going to be sad for as long as my mother is alive, and then I am going to be a different kind of sad. It's not the only thing I feel, and none of it is forever, but it's there.
So I called out into the void, and someone answered back, and she cared about me because I had cared about her. It came back.
The other tricky thing about it is that I have recently seen some concern expressed in an adjacent Twitter group about adults encouraging teens to open up to them, when kids are so vulnerable and and it is so easy to mess them up, even without bad intentions.
I see their point. I have seen plenty of arrogance and plenty of bad intentions. I totally agree that having local, in person sources of help is better when possible.
But also, I was trying to do what's right, and responding to intuition and circumstances, and it usually wasn't in private messages. It would be easy to be insecure about it. I was then. It was hard to believe that I could ever be enough against so much pain.
Except, of course, that I was not healing their pain; I was just witnessing it and caring about it. Sometimes there was advice, or links to articles, but mainly it was just a reminder that you are not alone, and not the only person who has these feelings.
Sometimes it made a difference, and at different times people have come back and told me it mattered. It is probably good that has been spaced out, because I may have needed that more now, but I am sure there were times when I needed it before.
About a week before that, another girl did message me, asking if she could vent. Of course she could, and a lot of her issues dealt with feeling guilt about needing to put some needs of her own over those of her difficult mother (though it was not dementia).
It landed close to home, but then neither of us are alone. We related to each other.
Twitter has been out a lot lately, I am sure because of more people with less to do. I am not on top of things, and that had been pretty true before the virus, just because of Mom needing more attention.
But every now and then I still notice something and have something to contribute: validation or encouragement or a link to an article or a cat picture. I have told enough stories about homeless people now that I understand if you are wondering if I go looking for them. I don't, but they have found me enough that I probably am more alert now, and sometimes that helps.
I believe that staying open to it, we can do a lot of good.
But often that good is mainly only caring. Lamed-vov, but if there are enough of us, it will be enough.
This is a much messier story.
The short version is that a girl that I had helped several years ago saw something I tweeted and she messaged me that I had helped her and she was there for me.
It gets longer because of many different factors.
One is that the reason I was tweeting is that when I had recently posted about my sadness and frustration on Facebook, I had set off a lot of alarms and had people checking on me in various ways to make sure I wasn't suicidal. It is good to be cared for, but it felt like a lot of pressure.
Twitter would normally feel safer for things like that anyway. There are fewer people who know me personally on there, and it is easier to not be noticed. However, because of that period where I was spending a lot of time encouraging and shoring up teenage girls, it makes me reluctant to be the voice of discouragement. Maybe it's good for people to see that we all struggle, but maybe it would be taken as "If she is this down, what hope is there?"
But I need to be able to feel sad and express it. As much as people don't like seeing problems they can't solve, that happens sometimes. I am going to be sad for as long as my mother is alive, and then I am going to be a different kind of sad. It's not the only thing I feel, and none of it is forever, but it's there.
So I called out into the void, and someone answered back, and she cared about me because I had cared about her. It came back.
The other tricky thing about it is that I have recently seen some concern expressed in an adjacent Twitter group about adults encouraging teens to open up to them, when kids are so vulnerable and and it is so easy to mess them up, even without bad intentions.
I see their point. I have seen plenty of arrogance and plenty of bad intentions. I totally agree that having local, in person sources of help is better when possible.
But also, I was trying to do what's right, and responding to intuition and circumstances, and it usually wasn't in private messages. It would be easy to be insecure about it. I was then. It was hard to believe that I could ever be enough against so much pain.
Except, of course, that I was not healing their pain; I was just witnessing it and caring about it. Sometimes there was advice, or links to articles, but mainly it was just a reminder that you are not alone, and not the only person who has these feelings.
Sometimes it made a difference, and at different times people have come back and told me it mattered. It is probably good that has been spaced out, because I may have needed that more now, but I am sure there were times when I needed it before.
About a week before that, another girl did message me, asking if she could vent. Of course she could, and a lot of her issues dealt with feeling guilt about needing to put some needs of her own over those of her difficult mother (though it was not dementia).
It landed close to home, but then neither of us are alone. We related to each other.
Twitter has been out a lot lately, I am sure because of more people with less to do. I am not on top of things, and that had been pretty true before the virus, just because of Mom needing more attention.
But every now and then I still notice something and have something to contribute: validation or encouragement or a link to an article or a cat picture. I have told enough stories about homeless people now that I understand if you are wondering if I go looking for them. I don't, but they have found me enough that I probably am more alert now, and sometimes that helps.
I believe that staying open to it, we can do a lot of good.
But often that good is mainly only caring. Lamed-vov, but if there are enough of us, it will be enough.
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
The most pessimistic encouragement
I am changing the order in which I am writing these. So the part about something coming back to me? Not before tomorrow.
I think it was the last author event I went to when this happened. It was respite time and too soon to go home, so I decided to walk from Powell's to the Safeway on Lovejoy.
When I got there, there was a guy out front with a sign. I asked if he wanted anything, and he wanted something hot. It was late enough at night that the deli had closed, and there wasn't much of a selection in their warm case. I explained that to him, but gave him some money so he could choose what he wanted. If it had ended there, I would barely have remembered that it happened.
I went to the streetcar stop across the street and waited. I wasn't really paying attention until I heard shouting. The guy was cursing at the security guard and demanding his name and saying he was going to sue. He did not get a name, and eventually he came to the streetcar stop too.
He said that the guard had threatened him with the taser. I guess he had gone in to buy something. Technically, I gave him the money to do that, that's on me. So he was just going to go to McDonald's, because that would probably be better anyway, but he was still really upset.
He also told me that earlier that day a woman had kicked him out of McDonald's saying that they don't serve his kind there.
Now, it is possible to have some skepticism about that story, because McDonald's serves homeless people all the time. I also know that all of the restaurants downtown have locked restrooms to keep homeless people out of them, and most restaurants reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, and that people who don't have a lot of power can get pretty awful with what they have (like transit cops and store security guards).
We ended up riding the streetcar part of the way together, so we talked for a while. I will never forget the giant scabs on his hands. He had gotten an infection and they had to cut it open, but it was probably getting infected again because he had lost his antibiotics. Yes, that made me think of the story from the woman on the bus, and getting rushed off at the end of the line and not collecting all of her things in time. However, I had also recently read an article about HIV+ people in shelters, and how medication is often stolen because other residents hope it will get them high. Medical compliance is not easy on the streets.
This is the other thing that I will always remember, because I was so mad about it. I still am.
"I want to tell you something encouraging, like that everything's going to be okay..."
"But it wouldn't be true," he interrupted, accurately.
"So I'm just going to tell you that you're human, and that matters. And you have to remember it because other people won't."
It was probably the most pessimistic encouragement that I have ever offered.
I wanted to be able to tell him something better, but I couldn't. Maybe his response showed me why: he would not have been able to believe it.
It was clear that night that the world was terrible, but it has gotten a lot worse since then, and I did not see that coming.
The reasoning is still essentially the same: too many value money over people, and even those who would be better off under a more equal system take a lot of delight in the small superiority they can wring out of the current system.
When I worry about the homeless, that's why. I still think about both of them a lot, and I can't be optimistic.
I think it was the last author event I went to when this happened. It was respite time and too soon to go home, so I decided to walk from Powell's to the Safeway on Lovejoy.
When I got there, there was a guy out front with a sign. I asked if he wanted anything, and he wanted something hot. It was late enough at night that the deli had closed, and there wasn't much of a selection in their warm case. I explained that to him, but gave him some money so he could choose what he wanted. If it had ended there, I would barely have remembered that it happened.
I went to the streetcar stop across the street and waited. I wasn't really paying attention until I heard shouting. The guy was cursing at the security guard and demanding his name and saying he was going to sue. He did not get a name, and eventually he came to the streetcar stop too.
He said that the guard had threatened him with the taser. I guess he had gone in to buy something. Technically, I gave him the money to do that, that's on me. So he was just going to go to McDonald's, because that would probably be better anyway, but he was still really upset.
He also told me that earlier that day a woman had kicked him out of McDonald's saying that they don't serve his kind there.
Now, it is possible to have some skepticism about that story, because McDonald's serves homeless people all the time. I also know that all of the restaurants downtown have locked restrooms to keep homeless people out of them, and most restaurants reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, and that people who don't have a lot of power can get pretty awful with what they have (like transit cops and store security guards).
We ended up riding the streetcar part of the way together, so we talked for a while. I will never forget the giant scabs on his hands. He had gotten an infection and they had to cut it open, but it was probably getting infected again because he had lost his antibiotics. Yes, that made me think of the story from the woman on the bus, and getting rushed off at the end of the line and not collecting all of her things in time. However, I had also recently read an article about HIV+ people in shelters, and how medication is often stolen because other residents hope it will get them high. Medical compliance is not easy on the streets.
This is the other thing that I will always remember, because I was so mad about it. I still am.
"I want to tell you something encouraging, like that everything's going to be okay..."
"But it wouldn't be true," he interrupted, accurately.
"So I'm just going to tell you that you're human, and that matters. And you have to remember it because other people won't."
It was probably the most pessimistic encouragement that I have ever offered.
I wanted to be able to tell him something better, but I couldn't. Maybe his response showed me why: he would not have been able to believe it.
It was clear that night that the world was terrible, but it has gotten a lot worse since then, and I did not see that coming.
The reasoning is still essentially the same: too many value money over people, and even those who would be better off under a more equal system take a lot of delight in the small superiority they can wring out of the current system.
When I worry about the homeless, that's why. I still think about both of them a lot, and I can't be optimistic.
Monday, April 27, 2020
Three encounters
I want to write a little about some interactions that I have had - mostly before social distancing started - and things that they have meant to me.
The first one started on the bus. I was waiting at Beaverton Transit Center and this woman got on.
She stumbled a little and she was muttering to herself. As she sat down in front of me there was a terrible smell of beer. It was easy to make certain assumptions.
I was not planning on having any interaction, but as she was talking to herself she mentioned losing five pairs of gloves. As it happens, I had an extra pair of gloves in my purse (preparedness girl, still), and I asked her if she would like them. She would, and that's how we started talking.
She had just been shopping, and had bought a five-pack of gloves. The bag with that and some food had been misplaced.
When you keep all of your possessions with you because you don't have anywhere else to put them, it would be hard to keep track of things; that's logical. I expressed sympathy, but then she explained that she sleeps on buses, and when they get to the last stop and hustle everyone off, that's when she loses things.
That made a lot of sense. $5.00 lets you on the transit system all day, and it is relatively warm. In some ways you might do better on the trains, but on the bus everyone has to get by the driver, and it is a smaller space. If people are looking for someone to harass, you are safer on a bus.
That is assuming that the harassment does not come from the transit staff. I have been noticing them getting a lot more authoritarian lately, and this was still before they changed the layout at Beaverton. You can no longer wait on the bus. Instead, everyone has to wait at the same spot until the bus is leaving. It is less convenient for people with homes, but I suspect it was aimed at the homeless.
I gave her a few dollars too, and she thanked me. She had given the last of her money and the rest of her breakfast to another person that day, but she was telling me that she believes that it comes back to you.
Right about then, someone got on with a pizza box. He sat near us and offered her some. As she was about to take it, the driver barked "NO EATING ON THE BUS!"
It is true that this is a rule, but it was like they had both been slapped. He pulled the box back and closed the lid, and her hand went back. Then he recovered and offered the box again, saying "You can take some but don't eat it on here."
She did, and thanked him, and then she looked back at me and said very pointedly, "It comes back to you!"
She then asked me if I knew where there was a laundromat, because she couldn't stand the smell of that blanket anymore. Maybe now that she had a few dollars and some food, then laundry was a possibility. I directed her to one that wasn't too far.
That was pretty much the end of it, except that I also suddenly realized how easy it would be in that situation to have someone else spill on your blanket, or throw up on it, or something where it isn't even your fault that it smells. You still can't just throw out the blanket, because it is still winter and who knows what you will lose next, or when you will be able to replace it.
It struck me hard then, but I have felt it more as I see that most places have shut down bottle returns, which is an important source of cash for many people. Also, a lot of places aren't taking cash anymore, or ordering food has to happen online and with the assumption of a car picking it up. Going through trash sounds terrible, but if you rely on it, it will have been a lot less productive for the past month.
Sure, there are shelters, but those have their own problems, in addition to being a great place to share diseases. Vancouver opened up a mall parking lot for people living in their cars, but if you don't have a car, that doesn't help. (Honestly, a lot of the people living in their cars still have jobs, a pretty big indictment of capitalism in itself, if you think about it.)
So I worry about people on the streets, along with a host of other worries, and primarily in the camp of worries that I can't really do anything about. It's just there.
But on another level, that story affects me because that woman was a kindred spirit, still believing in giving no matter how low her means were, and I love her for that.
When she told me "It comes back to you!", I felt that in my soul. It felt like a promise that things will work out, and an affirmation that what you do matters.
Next time I will write about one way in which that has been fulfilled.
The first one started on the bus. I was waiting at Beaverton Transit Center and this woman got on.
She stumbled a little and she was muttering to herself. As she sat down in front of me there was a terrible smell of beer. It was easy to make certain assumptions.
I was not planning on having any interaction, but as she was talking to herself she mentioned losing five pairs of gloves. As it happens, I had an extra pair of gloves in my purse (preparedness girl, still), and I asked her if she would like them. She would, and that's how we started talking.
She had just been shopping, and had bought a five-pack of gloves. The bag with that and some food had been misplaced.
When you keep all of your possessions with you because you don't have anywhere else to put them, it would be hard to keep track of things; that's logical. I expressed sympathy, but then she explained that she sleeps on buses, and when they get to the last stop and hustle everyone off, that's when she loses things.
That made a lot of sense. $5.00 lets you on the transit system all day, and it is relatively warm. In some ways you might do better on the trains, but on the bus everyone has to get by the driver, and it is a smaller space. If people are looking for someone to harass, you are safer on a bus.
That is assuming that the harassment does not come from the transit staff. I have been noticing them getting a lot more authoritarian lately, and this was still before they changed the layout at Beaverton. You can no longer wait on the bus. Instead, everyone has to wait at the same spot until the bus is leaving. It is less convenient for people with homes, but I suspect it was aimed at the homeless.
I gave her a few dollars too, and she thanked me. She had given the last of her money and the rest of her breakfast to another person that day, but she was telling me that she believes that it comes back to you.
Right about then, someone got on with a pizza box. He sat near us and offered her some. As she was about to take it, the driver barked "NO EATING ON THE BUS!"
It is true that this is a rule, but it was like they had both been slapped. He pulled the box back and closed the lid, and her hand went back. Then he recovered and offered the box again, saying "You can take some but don't eat it on here."
She did, and thanked him, and then she looked back at me and said very pointedly, "It comes back to you!"
She then asked me if I knew where there was a laundromat, because she couldn't stand the smell of that blanket anymore. Maybe now that she had a few dollars and some food, then laundry was a possibility. I directed her to one that wasn't too far.
That was pretty much the end of it, except that I also suddenly realized how easy it would be in that situation to have someone else spill on your blanket, or throw up on it, or something where it isn't even your fault that it smells. You still can't just throw out the blanket, because it is still winter and who knows what you will lose next, or when you will be able to replace it.
It struck me hard then, but I have felt it more as I see that most places have shut down bottle returns, which is an important source of cash for many people. Also, a lot of places aren't taking cash anymore, or ordering food has to happen online and with the assumption of a car picking it up. Going through trash sounds terrible, but if you rely on it, it will have been a lot less productive for the past month.
Sure, there are shelters, but those have their own problems, in addition to being a great place to share diseases. Vancouver opened up a mall parking lot for people living in their cars, but if you don't have a car, that doesn't help. (Honestly, a lot of the people living in their cars still have jobs, a pretty big indictment of capitalism in itself, if you think about it.)
So I worry about people on the streets, along with a host of other worries, and primarily in the camp of worries that I can't really do anything about. It's just there.
But on another level, that story affects me because that woman was a kindred spirit, still believing in giving no matter how low her means were, and I love her for that.
When she told me "It comes back to you!", I felt that in my soul. It felt like a promise that things will work out, and an affirmation that what you do matters.
Next time I will write about one way in which that has been fulfilled.
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
Anodyne
One way my brain works is that a word or phrase will come to me repeatedly, trying to tell me something. Someday I will write about "garbage barge", but let's focus on "anodyne" for now.
As a noun it is a painkiller, but as an adjective it is more about being designed to not provoke or offend. I think of it when I play Spider Solitaire and Minesweeper, and I have been playing them a lot lately.
When I think about addictions, mine tend to be too stupid to count; I don't even play interesting video games. It can nonetheless be compulsive, and it has been very clear to me that this is an attempt to numb.
Things are hard. It is still true that it is more about the dementia situation than the virus situation, but the chronic stress is ongoing.
I have hives again. I get weird muscle tightness in my back and shoulders. There is a lot of anger and frustration, and I cannot turn it on my mother, so I hold it in and then get physical reminders that I did that.
I have plenty of things to do when I am not actively caring for my mother. I have things I need to do for personal goals and housework and organization, but I keep finding myself playing these stupid games, feeling the urge to, resolving not to and then giving in after another thing has gone wrong.
My brain is telling me that I am doing it to try not to feel. It's not working out that great.
For one thing, the more I get pulled into it, the less I sleep. While there is a limit to how much the tiredness can be remedied, the tiredness is vast enough that it should take anything it can get. It also takes away from reading time, which is like the one thing I still get to do.
Probably more to the point is that it's not working out that great. I mean, I am still feeling stuff, and any feelings I hold off are probably just holding off progress in working through it. In the past, letting myself feel anger has allowed me to like myself. I am sure there is a lot I still need to work on.
I also know that I am not just rejecting the potential pain, but also the current situation. This has been very ineffective in making the situation go away. It's all still there. Maybe I could hold onto denial long enough for something to change, but I would lose something by doing that.
The other thing I strongly believe, though, is that my not wanting this does matter. Not in a way to change it, but that it hurts and that my body physically hurts with somatic symptoms of emotional pain... I matter and that matters.
I still need to work on getting better.
If I find something helpful I will let you know.
You matter too.
As a noun it is a painkiller, but as an adjective it is more about being designed to not provoke or offend. I think of it when I play Spider Solitaire and Minesweeper, and I have been playing them a lot lately.
When I think about addictions, mine tend to be too stupid to count; I don't even play interesting video games. It can nonetheless be compulsive, and it has been very clear to me that this is an attempt to numb.
Things are hard. It is still true that it is more about the dementia situation than the virus situation, but the chronic stress is ongoing.
I have hives again. I get weird muscle tightness in my back and shoulders. There is a lot of anger and frustration, and I cannot turn it on my mother, so I hold it in and then get physical reminders that I did that.
I have plenty of things to do when I am not actively caring for my mother. I have things I need to do for personal goals and housework and organization, but I keep finding myself playing these stupid games, feeling the urge to, resolving not to and then giving in after another thing has gone wrong.
My brain is telling me that I am doing it to try not to feel. It's not working out that great.
For one thing, the more I get pulled into it, the less I sleep. While there is a limit to how much the tiredness can be remedied, the tiredness is vast enough that it should take anything it can get. It also takes away from reading time, which is like the one thing I still get to do.
Probably more to the point is that it's not working out that great. I mean, I am still feeling stuff, and any feelings I hold off are probably just holding off progress in working through it. In the past, letting myself feel anger has allowed me to like myself. I am sure there is a lot I still need to work on.
I also know that I am not just rejecting the potential pain, but also the current situation. This has been very ineffective in making the situation go away. It's all still there. Maybe I could hold onto denial long enough for something to change, but I would lose something by doing that.
The other thing I strongly believe, though, is that my not wanting this does matter. Not in a way to change it, but that it hurts and that my body physically hurts with somatic symptoms of emotional pain... I matter and that matters.
I still need to work on getting better.
If I find something helpful I will let you know.
You matter too.
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
Where credit is due
Still keeping things short and light this week.
Easter was not typical. There was no church - and while it is not the best Sunday activity - what I desperately wanted and needed was all of the regular cleaning done. We divvied up the tasks and they were completed. It won't last, but at least things were caught up for once.
We did still have a mostly normal ham dinner, but oddly, the conversation ended up focusing largely on my time in high school. Specifically, wonderment at my being friends with two hot guys.
Personally, I had to ask who the second guy was. (I knew whom else she meant.) Suddenly, I realized at least one sister was impressed with my past social life. It was surprising and kind of gratifying.
Actually, I got on well with many good-looking guys, though hanging out was more limited. I do know the secret of my success, which was two-fold.
One, having come to believe at an early age that I was completely ineligible for love, I compartmentalized all romantic feelings and hints of interest in boys, understanding that such hints acted as a very strong boy repellent.
Frankly, I don't recommend that one.
But the other - and maybe the compartmentalization helped with this - is that I always remember that everyone is a person.
I think this is helpful when I meet musicians now. I may have a moment of being star-struck, but then I remember this is a person and relate in that way.
I can give you an example from high school. There was one guy on the football team, and another, less athletic guy I knew did not like him. I found myself teasing the jock subtly, because of that, and then I saw that he took it as flattery and was ingratiated. Suddenly, I was like, why am I teasing this nice guy whom I personally have nothing against? (And also who won't get it, yes, but there's no point in being mean about that.)
After that, we always got along. People who have known each other for years may have old grudges and things that have just become habits. It's real to them, but it may not be relevant to anyone else.
Anyway, that is my personal guarantee. I may be a fan of your work, or think you are irritating, or be wildly attracted to you, or desperately wish I could shake some sense into you (even though shaking isn't how that works), but I will also remember that you are human and have feelings, and I will try and honor that to the extent that you are not causing harm.
Even if you are causing harm, I will try to acknowledge harm that you have received and your potential for improvement, but the harm needs to be stopped first. Just so we understand each other.
Also, yes, in some ways I was very popular in high school. They weren't any of the normal ways, but still, I am owning that.
Easter was not typical. There was no church - and while it is not the best Sunday activity - what I desperately wanted and needed was all of the regular cleaning done. We divvied up the tasks and they were completed. It won't last, but at least things were caught up for once.
We did still have a mostly normal ham dinner, but oddly, the conversation ended up focusing largely on my time in high school. Specifically, wonderment at my being friends with two hot guys.
Personally, I had to ask who the second guy was. (I knew whom else she meant.) Suddenly, I realized at least one sister was impressed with my past social life. It was surprising and kind of gratifying.
Actually, I got on well with many good-looking guys, though hanging out was more limited. I do know the secret of my success, which was two-fold.
One, having come to believe at an early age that I was completely ineligible for love, I compartmentalized all romantic feelings and hints of interest in boys, understanding that such hints acted as a very strong boy repellent.
Frankly, I don't recommend that one.
But the other - and maybe the compartmentalization helped with this - is that I always remember that everyone is a person.
I think this is helpful when I meet musicians now. I may have a moment of being star-struck, but then I remember this is a person and relate in that way.
I can give you an example from high school. There was one guy on the football team, and another, less athletic guy I knew did not like him. I found myself teasing the jock subtly, because of that, and then I saw that he took it as flattery and was ingratiated. Suddenly, I was like, why am I teasing this nice guy whom I personally have nothing against? (And also who won't get it, yes, but there's no point in being mean about that.)
After that, we always got along. People who have known each other for years may have old grudges and things that have just become habits. It's real to them, but it may not be relevant to anyone else.
Anyway, that is my personal guarantee. I may be a fan of your work, or think you are irritating, or be wildly attracted to you, or desperately wish I could shake some sense into you (even though shaking isn't how that works), but I will also remember that you are human and have feelings, and I will try and honor that to the extent that you are not causing harm.
Even if you are causing harm, I will try to acknowledge harm that you have received and your potential for improvement, but the harm needs to be stopped first. Just so we understand each other.
Also, yes, in some ways I was very popular in high school. They weren't any of the normal ways, but still, I am owning that.
Monday, April 13, 2020
Web of kindness
There are many ways in which people are horrible, and I am sure I will get to those. Today I wanted to focus on some helpful acts that have been going on around us.
An older couple was not supposed to be going to stores, but they needed some things, including toilet paper. My sisters went for them. When there was no toilet paper available they came back here and pulled some from our supply.
That's okay, we have a line on a new toilet paper shipment - because of someone else's help - and it looks like we're going to be able to get two multi-packs. We're not going over any limits, but at least finding something somewhere is great. (We aren't out yet, but if this goes on long enough...)
One friend has been busily making masks, starting with a batch of 200. She gave us some for our household. We were actually able to help her get some wipes, but most of this is not reciprocal. We have helped people who have done nothing for us, and the people helping us don't owe us anything. It is strictly based on who needs what and who can help. That's why I used "web" instead of circle.
Those are things that have actually been carried out, but there have also been a lot of offers. Many people have checked to see if we need anything. Apartment residents are leaving contact information for other residents. People are holding fundraisers.
I had posted on Facebook Saturday about not being reckless, because some news items and items through friends seemed like there was a wave of recklessness going around, leading to some poor decisions.
I get that. There are plenty of reasons to feel worried, isolated, and powerless right now. It can bring out some darker impulses.
If we can reach out to help each other, that can help us feel more connected, and remember that we still have some power. Not everything is out of control. Maybe knowing that can relieve some of the worry.
Don't give up, and stay as safe as you can. <3 br="">
An older couple was not supposed to be going to stores, but they needed some things, including toilet paper. My sisters went for them. When there was no toilet paper available they came back here and pulled some from our supply.
That's okay, we have a line on a new toilet paper shipment - because of someone else's help - and it looks like we're going to be able to get two multi-packs. We're not going over any limits, but at least finding something somewhere is great. (We aren't out yet, but if this goes on long enough...)
One friend has been busily making masks, starting with a batch of 200. She gave us some for our household. We were actually able to help her get some wipes, but most of this is not reciprocal. We have helped people who have done nothing for us, and the people helping us don't owe us anything. It is strictly based on who needs what and who can help. That's why I used "web" instead of circle.
Those are things that have actually been carried out, but there have also been a lot of offers. Many people have checked to see if we need anything. Apartment residents are leaving contact information for other residents. People are holding fundraisers.
I had posted on Facebook Saturday about not being reckless, because some news items and items through friends seemed like there was a wave of recklessness going around, leading to some poor decisions.
I get that. There are plenty of reasons to feel worried, isolated, and powerless right now. It can bring out some darker impulses.
If we can reach out to help each other, that can help us feel more connected, and remember that we still have some power. Not everything is out of control. Maybe knowing that can relieve some of the worry.
Don't give up, and stay as safe as you can. <3 br="">
Friday, April 10, 2020
UPDATED: Album Review: Last Stop Crappy Town, full edition, by Reggie and the Full Effect
On March 22nd, James Dewees of Reggie and the Full Effect released a complete version of the 2008 album, Last Stop: Crappy Town. It includes three tracks that were recorded then, but not released.
This seemed like a good opportunity to take another look at Crappy Town, which has not been my favorite.
The first time I listened, it felt like it was all this angry growl-shouting, which I shall hereafter refer to as "screamo" (probably not the perfect term, but bear with me), and which has never been my thing.
Later, I listened again, and realized it was in fact more complex than that. I suspect one reason it feels like so much is that a lot of the songs have a screamo section, even though they have other things. So where with other albums there will be a song or two that does it, there is probably more total time spent on the screamo, as well as a higher frequency interval.
Having already gained a greater appreciation for the album, the next time I listened I found myself thinking, "This is really a journey." That was quickly followed by, "You mean like a journey on the Brooklyn train system, literally? Good catch!"
The release of the additional tracks seemed like a good opportunity to dive in again.
Here's one thing about that journey: tracks are not delineated in the download. Having listened to the original release, I can tell where the familiar tracks are, and where new things have been inserted, but there is no guide while you are listening.
It is interesting in that on many other Reggie albums (less true with 41), the connection between songs and their titles is often tenuous. Maybe at a concert you learn the origin of a title phrase, but without the context of why it goes with that song. You still remember - maybe with more effort than from some artists - what each song is called.
That is much harder on Crappy Town.
It also makes sense. The train journey is linear, and probably monotonous. There may be monotony on the recovery journey, but it is much more chaotic. Maybe it is hard to tell if the changes that you feel are even changes, and whether those changes are progress. The music reflects that.
There are concepts that come up over and over again, including betrayal and inadequacy and doubt and suffocation. Sometimes that comes out angrily (probably with the greatest frequency), but it also comes out in dread, or adrenaline, or a depression so overpowering that the words can barely come out.
Is there a pattern? I don't know. I have never been through rehab or ridden New York transit, and I cannot rule out that there is greater - or at least different meaning - for people who have.
It did make me think of two things, coming from my more recent psychology reading. One is that while people tend to oversimplify and define overly broadly Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's theory of the five stages of grief, it is not linear. Going through one stage doesn't guarantee that you are done with it, or that it is done with you.
Also, in Complex PTSD, Pete Walker referenced a theory that all addiction is rooted in abandonment. That feels like it could be an oversimplification too, but it really feels like there is truth in it.
"9th and 4th" comes between "F" and "E". I think it is the one that fits in best with the other tracks, like I don't understand why it wasn't released. It is quieter, but thematically, it is important with a plea for help that is barely a question. There is not trust in getting an answer.
It is interesting that the official release with a video, "J", is sandwiched between the other two deleted cuts.
The final addition. "86th", is great. It has kind of an "Eleanor Rigby" feel, with lots of strings and wistfulness in its alienation.
The new track before "J", "14th", is really uncomfortable.
I haven't been able to identify exactly why. It grapples with faith and questions of meaning; I guess I like to see those questions receive a positive answer. This feels again like there is not hope for any answer, and what does it mean if there is no meaning or greater value to all of it? It must feel like that a lot.
I want to point out one more thing about structure, using the more familiar tracks.
"R" is musically one of my favorite tracks, taking on a heroic, adventurous feel. Lyrically, in the midst of those assurances that we can make it together, there is always an "if" that doesn't sound too hopeful. What are the chances of no mistakes, given all the mistakes that have come before?
So I think it makes a lot of sense that it is followed by "36th Street" where you are still trying to save children and addressing a "sister", but there is a much more oppressive tone. That then goes into "N", and the closing question, "Are you scared?"
So it is clearly a journey, but it's not concluded, or even certain of successful completion. That is honest for addiction. You have to hope that it often feels more possible, and more optimistic, but it doesn't always.
That makes this a good release for this time.
I don't know how much that influenced Dewees to release it now, but this is a time filled with fear and doubt and uncertain outcomes. It helps to have music that knows how you feel.
In the Instagram post he credits producer Sean Beavan, drummer Billy Johnson, and Slipknot bass player Paul Gray. Two of them are gone now, along with other losses that make that sense of abandonment more real.
There is music for that.
Stay safe and stay alive.
https://www.instagram.com/yourbuddyreggie/
https://www.instagram.com/p/B-DQErnFrRm/
UPDATED:
After the last Instagram update I have had a really hard time scrolling with it, but I got it to work yesterday, and low and behold that original post gave the new track titles, even though they should all be regarded as a whole, and there are reasons why that makes sense. I have updated the original post to include titles, which I hope is helpful.
Otherwise, let me just note my appreciation for my own journey of coming to appreciate and understand Last Stop: Crappy Town better. Songs Not to Get Married to (which Crappy Town echoes a lot, and that makes sense) infatuated me, and No Country For Old Musicians delighted me, and 41 makes me feel seen in a bad time that still hasn't ended.
Crappy Town cracks open pain. It's hard, but it's necessary. Once I was able to scroll down I saw many people expressing how the album helped them, or how they appreciated it more now after going through their own things. Of course. I get it.
And I already knew this, but it is still worth saying, even though Reggie gives you that veneer of silliness, there is always more.
This seemed like a good opportunity to take another look at Crappy Town, which has not been my favorite.
The first time I listened, it felt like it was all this angry growl-shouting, which I shall hereafter refer to as "screamo" (probably not the perfect term, but bear with me), and which has never been my thing.
Later, I listened again, and realized it was in fact more complex than that. I suspect one reason it feels like so much is that a lot of the songs have a screamo section, even though they have other things. So where with other albums there will be a song or two that does it, there is probably more total time spent on the screamo, as well as a higher frequency interval.
Having already gained a greater appreciation for the album, the next time I listened I found myself thinking, "This is really a journey." That was quickly followed by, "You mean like a journey on the Brooklyn train system, literally? Good catch!"
The release of the additional tracks seemed like a good opportunity to dive in again.
Here's one thing about that journey: tracks are not delineated in the download. Having listened to the original release, I can tell where the familiar tracks are, and where new things have been inserted, but there is no guide while you are listening.
It is interesting in that on many other Reggie albums (less true with 41), the connection between songs and their titles is often tenuous. Maybe at a concert you learn the origin of a title phrase, but without the context of why it goes with that song. You still remember - maybe with more effort than from some artists - what each song is called.
That is much harder on Crappy Town.
It also makes sense. The train journey is linear, and probably monotonous. There may be monotony on the recovery journey, but it is much more chaotic. Maybe it is hard to tell if the changes that you feel are even changes, and whether those changes are progress. The music reflects that.
There are concepts that come up over and over again, including betrayal and inadequacy and doubt and suffocation. Sometimes that comes out angrily (probably with the greatest frequency), but it also comes out in dread, or adrenaline, or a depression so overpowering that the words can barely come out.
Is there a pattern? I don't know. I have never been through rehab or ridden New York transit, and I cannot rule out that there is greater - or at least different meaning - for people who have.
It did make me think of two things, coming from my more recent psychology reading. One is that while people tend to oversimplify and define overly broadly Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's theory of the five stages of grief, it is not linear. Going through one stage doesn't guarantee that you are done with it, or that it is done with you.
Also, in Complex PTSD, Pete Walker referenced a theory that all addiction is rooted in abandonment. That feels like it could be an oversimplification too, but it really feels like there is truth in it.
"9th and 4th" comes between "F" and "E". I think it is the one that fits in best with the other tracks, like I don't understand why it wasn't released. It is quieter, but thematically, it is important with a plea for help that is barely a question. There is not trust in getting an answer.
It is interesting that the official release with a video, "J", is sandwiched between the other two deleted cuts.
The final addition. "86th", is great. It has kind of an "Eleanor Rigby" feel, with lots of strings and wistfulness in its alienation.
The new track before "J", "14th", is really uncomfortable.
I haven't been able to identify exactly why. It grapples with faith and questions of meaning; I guess I like to see those questions receive a positive answer. This feels again like there is not hope for any answer, and what does it mean if there is no meaning or greater value to all of it? It must feel like that a lot.
I want to point out one more thing about structure, using the more familiar tracks.
"R" is musically one of my favorite tracks, taking on a heroic, adventurous feel. Lyrically, in the midst of those assurances that we can make it together, there is always an "if" that doesn't sound too hopeful. What are the chances of no mistakes, given all the mistakes that have come before?
So I think it makes a lot of sense that it is followed by "36th Street" where you are still trying to save children and addressing a "sister", but there is a much more oppressive tone. That then goes into "N", and the closing question, "Are you scared?"
So it is clearly a journey, but it's not concluded, or even certain of successful completion. That is honest for addiction. You have to hope that it often feels more possible, and more optimistic, but it doesn't always.
That makes this a good release for this time.
I don't know how much that influenced Dewees to release it now, but this is a time filled with fear and doubt and uncertain outcomes. It helps to have music that knows how you feel.
In the Instagram post he credits producer Sean Beavan, drummer Billy Johnson, and Slipknot bass player Paul Gray. Two of them are gone now, along with other losses that make that sense of abandonment more real.
There is music for that.
Stay safe and stay alive.
https://www.instagram.com/yourbuddyreggie/
https://www.instagram.com/p/B-DQErnFrRm/
UPDATED:
After the last Instagram update I have had a really hard time scrolling with it, but I got it to work yesterday, and low and behold that original post gave the new track titles, even though they should all be regarded as a whole, and there are reasons why that makes sense. I have updated the original post to include titles, which I hope is helpful.
Otherwise, let me just note my appreciation for my own journey of coming to appreciate and understand Last Stop: Crappy Town better. Songs Not to Get Married to (which Crappy Town echoes a lot, and that makes sense) infatuated me, and No Country For Old Musicians delighted me, and 41 makes me feel seen in a bad time that still hasn't ended.
Crappy Town cracks open pain. It's hard, but it's necessary. Once I was able to scroll down I saw many people expressing how the album helped them, or how they appreciated it more now after going through their own things. Of course. I get it.
And I already knew this, but it is still worth saying, even though Reggie gives you that veneer of silliness, there is always more.
Wednesday, April 08, 2020
The mourning breaks
In yesterday's post I mentioned mass graves and backed up funeral homes. I have only heard of mass graves in New York. The backed up funeral home (and crematoria) stories have also been from New York, but if I heard of it happening in Seattle or the Bay Area, I would believe it. They have higher populations, and have been harder hit.
Things would have to to get much worse for that to be an issue in Oregon, even in Washington County (where I live, and where Oregon has the most cases.)
But no one is having traditional funerals anymore. You can't gather more than ten people, churches are closed, and it's just not happening until self-isolating is no longer necessary.
Previously, funerals have been our most controversial issue.
I have four living siblings. Two of them are very opposed to a funeral. They do not give this as their reason, but I believe that they do not want to deal with their emotions publicly, or at all. Another sibling would really want the condolences, I am sure, but the fourth probably would not.
I have thought about how we could work it out. Sit together, then "You three slip out the side door," with a car waiting, and then I wait with the other one to deal with people.
Without having any idea on how long COVID-19 or our mother's life will last, it might not be an issue. But realistically, we may not have a choice.
I could be fine with this, but I worry about a few different things. At first my worry was that it would seem disrespectful to my mother if we did not celebrate her life. Even more than that, I worried about closure, that maybe not going through the rituals of grief would leave my family with all of these unprocessed emotions and things would come out in other, more destructive ways. Or maybe it wouldn't come out, and eat them up inside.
When I have dealt with deaths in the past, I have seen in our conversations that there is this process of coming to terms with them being gone. It often surfaces as questions about details, but really it seems to be about working toward acceptance of the loss. A funeral, having communal and ritual aspects, could be really important for that.
As I have thought about this, I have realized that I could not set myself up for a more spectacular failure than making my goal emotionally healthy and adjusted Harris siblings. Seriously.
Beyond our family, I am sure there is going to be a toll taken by people not gathering to grieve and say goodbye to our dead. It feels like it could stall acceptance, and maybe leave more guilt. On the other hand, there are already so many difficult emotions floating around - with isolation and feelings of powerlessness and dread - that the one specific issue of not having traditional funerals may not be something you can look at separately.
I have figured out some things. I can recover from this, but I don't think I can recover if when Mom dies, it happens through any neglect on my part. That initially meant being careful with medications and being alert to symptom changes. Now it it has the added aspect that no matter how good it can be in some ways for her to go sooner, I do not want that virus in this house. So it means more care about where we go, and how much hand washing we do. I try. I still touch my face too much.
I may not be able to recover if she dies after one of those nights when she is threatening to call the police to get to the bottom of why we are making her stay here, and keeping her away from her children, and why we never told her we were her children before. I can't control that, but it is a reason to keep from saying anything hateful. I have to try to stay gentle, no matter how firm I need to be.
I guess, ultimately, the best way to ease death comes from what we do in life. You will probably know people who die from this; is there anything you want to say now? Is there anything you want to change?
I was working on a ghost story once where the things you always wanted to say most were "I love you", "I miss you", and "I'm sorry". Generally, the ghosts already knew, too, but it still felt important to say.
It may also be important to tell someone off, and then to forgive them, or to forgive them without talking to them, or just to make peace with knowing that they won't make up for it. That's okay too.
Peace doesn't always have to wait for the grave.
Things would have to to get much worse for that to be an issue in Oregon, even in Washington County (where I live, and where Oregon has the most cases.)
But no one is having traditional funerals anymore. You can't gather more than ten people, churches are closed, and it's just not happening until self-isolating is no longer necessary.
Previously, funerals have been our most controversial issue.
I have four living siblings. Two of them are very opposed to a funeral. They do not give this as their reason, but I believe that they do not want to deal with their emotions publicly, or at all. Another sibling would really want the condolences, I am sure, but the fourth probably would not.
I have thought about how we could work it out. Sit together, then "You three slip out the side door," with a car waiting, and then I wait with the other one to deal with people.
Without having any idea on how long COVID-19 or our mother's life will last, it might not be an issue. But realistically, we may not have a choice.
I could be fine with this, but I worry about a few different things. At first my worry was that it would seem disrespectful to my mother if we did not celebrate her life. Even more than that, I worried about closure, that maybe not going through the rituals of grief would leave my family with all of these unprocessed emotions and things would come out in other, more destructive ways. Or maybe it wouldn't come out, and eat them up inside.
When I have dealt with deaths in the past, I have seen in our conversations that there is this process of coming to terms with them being gone. It often surfaces as questions about details, but really it seems to be about working toward acceptance of the loss. A funeral, having communal and ritual aspects, could be really important for that.
As I have thought about this, I have realized that I could not set myself up for a more spectacular failure than making my goal emotionally healthy and adjusted Harris siblings. Seriously.
Beyond our family, I am sure there is going to be a toll taken by people not gathering to grieve and say goodbye to our dead. It feels like it could stall acceptance, and maybe leave more guilt. On the other hand, there are already so many difficult emotions floating around - with isolation and feelings of powerlessness and dread - that the one specific issue of not having traditional funerals may not be something you can look at separately.
I have figured out some things. I can recover from this, but I don't think I can recover if when Mom dies, it happens through any neglect on my part. That initially meant being careful with medications and being alert to symptom changes. Now it it has the added aspect that no matter how good it can be in some ways for her to go sooner, I do not want that virus in this house. So it means more care about where we go, and how much hand washing we do. I try. I still touch my face too much.
I may not be able to recover if she dies after one of those nights when she is threatening to call the police to get to the bottom of why we are making her stay here, and keeping her away from her children, and why we never told her we were her children before. I can't control that, but it is a reason to keep from saying anything hateful. I have to try to stay gentle, no matter how firm I need to be.
I guess, ultimately, the best way to ease death comes from what we do in life. You will probably know people who die from this; is there anything you want to say now? Is there anything you want to change?
I was working on a ghost story once where the things you always wanted to say most were "I love you", "I miss you", and "I'm sorry". Generally, the ghosts already knew, too, but it still felt important to say.
It may also be important to tell someone off, and then to forgive them, or to forgive them without talking to them, or just to make peace with knowing that they won't make up for it. That's okay too.
Peace doesn't always have to wait for the grave.
Tuesday, April 07, 2020
Death-ics
One of the frustrating parts of my mother's deterioration is doing one recommended thing and then finding that it is not enough.
For example, everyone said it was important to have durable power of attorney papers signed. We did that. Then I went to a presentation on living trusts that pointed out all of the ways in which durable power of attorney would be insufficient. We filled out paperwork for the POLST (portable orders for life-sustaining treatment) registry, and then I was told that advanced directives are much better.
As it is, one of my better memories in all this was going over the POLST information. I remember at the time realizing that despite the memory issues my mother was already having, as we went over this she understood the questions and was making her own choices. I have paperwork for advanced directives, but I don't think that would be true anymore. A lot has been lost.
(Realistically, we have so few assets requiring estate management that I think we will be okay without a trust. We're certainly below the estate tax threshold.)
I am sure a lot more people are thinking about death now, but it has been on our radar for a while. The final death may not happen any time soon, but with Alzheimer's disease there is a long period of many losses, and many things mourned all along the way. That has taken a toll, but I still have a strong desire to do everything right.
"Right" is a loaded word.
Legally, we have as much paperwork filled out as is likely to happen. I think it will work. I suspect that the family being on the same page is more important than the difference between POLST and ADR. It may still get tricky. We said "no" to ventilators at a time before Coronavirus. I'd rather it didn't come up, it would probably still be the right decision, but it makes you stop and think.
Here's the one that is almost funny: Mom has always hated the idea of cremation.
I have always believed it is because of this kind of superstition that our church doesn't believe in cremation, which I recently learned was common with a lot of different churches. It's not common for the churches to be against cremation, but it is common for their members to think their church frowns on it. So I believed her logic was faulty, but nonetheless, if that was the way she felt, I would have to honor it, even though burial is much more expensive and complicated.
A few months ago we were having a discussion that was not even specifically about death, but cremation came up, and Mom said it was fine. Okay, great. We're off the hook. But is she still in her right mind enough to say that and have it be meaningful? I don't even know.
Previously I had thought our final decision would ultimately come down to money; now I am hearing about mass graves and funeral homes being backed up, and I don't know again. Things are always kind of uncertain anyway, but they are much more uncertain now.
That is not even our most controversial issue, and we may have even less control over that one.
More on that next time.
For example, everyone said it was important to have durable power of attorney papers signed. We did that. Then I went to a presentation on living trusts that pointed out all of the ways in which durable power of attorney would be insufficient. We filled out paperwork for the POLST (portable orders for life-sustaining treatment) registry, and then I was told that advanced directives are much better.
As it is, one of my better memories in all this was going over the POLST information. I remember at the time realizing that despite the memory issues my mother was already having, as we went over this she understood the questions and was making her own choices. I have paperwork for advanced directives, but I don't think that would be true anymore. A lot has been lost.
(Realistically, we have so few assets requiring estate management that I think we will be okay without a trust. We're certainly below the estate tax threshold.)
I am sure a lot more people are thinking about death now, but it has been on our radar for a while. The final death may not happen any time soon, but with Alzheimer's disease there is a long period of many losses, and many things mourned all along the way. That has taken a toll, but I still have a strong desire to do everything right.
"Right" is a loaded word.
Legally, we have as much paperwork filled out as is likely to happen. I think it will work. I suspect that the family being on the same page is more important than the difference between POLST and ADR. It may still get tricky. We said "no" to ventilators at a time before Coronavirus. I'd rather it didn't come up, it would probably still be the right decision, but it makes you stop and think.
Here's the one that is almost funny: Mom has always hated the idea of cremation.
I have always believed it is because of this kind of superstition that our church doesn't believe in cremation, which I recently learned was common with a lot of different churches. It's not common for the churches to be against cremation, but it is common for their members to think their church frowns on it. So I believed her logic was faulty, but nonetheless, if that was the way she felt, I would have to honor it, even though burial is much more expensive and complicated.
A few months ago we were having a discussion that was not even specifically about death, but cremation came up, and Mom said it was fine. Okay, great. We're off the hook. But is she still in her right mind enough to say that and have it be meaningful? I don't even know.
Previously I had thought our final decision would ultimately come down to money; now I am hearing about mass graves and funeral homes being backed up, and I don't know again. Things are always kind of uncertain anyway, but they are much more uncertain now.
That is not even our most controversial issue, and we may have even less control over that one.
More on that next time.
Monday, April 06, 2020
Re-becoming somebody
There was a time when I asked someone for feedback. It was on the draft of Family Ghosts, and it was specifically to see about whether I had some of the musical stuff right. I asked a musician I knew if he would look at it. I did feel like that was a weak area for me, but also I sent it to him because of some things that had hurt him, where I thought reading it might be helpful.
I ended up publishing before he got back to me, but then he sent me a really beautiful note that did not give any feedback on the musician parts at all. So it didn't help me, but it was good for him and that felt great for me.
Sometimes I have considered trying to monetize the blog or something (before it became so irregular), but even just adding ads would slow it down, and I don't want there to ever be a time when something I write could help someone but it isn't available to them.
That was part of my realizing I am not ever going to make money from this, but I still really thought that I would eventually sell a screenplay. That would give me the chance to do work I enjoyed, and help other people in their careers, and be able to live comfortably but also have some left to give.
It was probably always naive, but I held on to it right until the one-two punch of losing all of my files and then Amazon Studios no longer taking open submissions. That happened at a time when I was already caring for my mother and not able to take on other day jobs. Yes, I am now getting a little bit of money from that, but having spent a lot of time going through paperwork and red tape and government programs, none of that is meant to make you optimistic or encourage dreams.
The years have been beating me down, is what I am trying to say.
I started to grasp that more when there was one other creative thing I wanted to do. I saw a submission call for a comic opportunity, and I knew one artist whom I thought would be a great match. I wanted to let him know about it, but I also wanted to suggest we collaborate.
I ended up just passing the opportunity on. I tried drafting a message that suggested working together, but I kept filling it with all of these reasons not to work with me. I don't have any experience. I don't have any connections. I don't have any name recognition. It didn't feel right to not give those warnings, but it became too much of a negative message. I couldn't imagine introducing myself to anyone without the caveat "By the way, I'm nobody!"
In retrospect, you probably don't ever really need to specify being nobody; if they don't already know, they can probably figure it out.
Maybe I was too afraid that they would think I didn't know. I knew, but that was wrong too. I have been creative in many different formats. I have written things that have engaged and amused and taught people, and given them some catharsis for their own pain. I shouldn't judge that by the money made, but you get judged for not having money. I have had plenty of chances to feel that.
When I made the decision that I could not get a new job, because I needed to stay with Mom, that felt right. Every way that I thought of in which it might work out turned out to be wrong. Instead, things I never could have expected or predicted happened, and it has sometimes been very affirming but also often hard. Even other people of faith have been pretty judgmental, because Christian faith is often remarkably capitalist.
I had lost a lot of confidence, at least for dealing with others. There have been multiple factors in coming out of that, but one more experience should help make more sense.
I was at a talk at a museum, before everything began shutting down. One other attendee shared some of her experiences, and it was very moving for everyone, I think, but also I felt like I should give her this ten dollars I had.
I was embarrassed to do it, partly because it might seem condescending, but also because I only had ten dollars, like it could look like I am simultaneously looking down on and pitying you, but also I am cheap. Those would just be perceptions, but I worried about them. I looked at some other things and went back, and she was talking to two other people.
I waited for a pause to insert myself, and I started off so apologetic. I didn't actually say "By the way, I am nobody!", but that was the spirit underwriting my offering.
Fortunately, she understood exactly where I was coming from, and said exactly the right thing, "I accept it with a good heart." She then said that she felt she had to come - they were talking about feeling impelled like that, and listening - but she was almost out of gas. I said that this must be for gas, then. One of the other people said, "She listens."
I was reluctant to accept that - too much like praise - but I have decided that along with needing to find a way to consider my own needs along with everyone else's, I need to stop apologizing for being poor and for having needs and for doing things that seem weird when I know they are important.
I listen and I follow. It may not always be accepted with a good heart, but I can't control that so I have to get past it.
I had just learned to get good at taking respite time; now I need to regroup and find a way of doing it again. A few hopes I'd held on too seem very unlikely now. A door closed on the mortgage issue, and now I am looking for a window. I do not know how long this pandemic will last.
But I have to be me. That means listening, and faith, and caring for others, but can't mean needing their approval. It generally does not mean clarity about resolution, but it does mean clarity for the next step or two.
I'll take what I can get.
I ended up publishing before he got back to me, but then he sent me a really beautiful note that did not give any feedback on the musician parts at all. So it didn't help me, but it was good for him and that felt great for me.
Sometimes I have considered trying to monetize the blog or something (before it became so irregular), but even just adding ads would slow it down, and I don't want there to ever be a time when something I write could help someone but it isn't available to them.
That was part of my realizing I am not ever going to make money from this, but I still really thought that I would eventually sell a screenplay. That would give me the chance to do work I enjoyed, and help other people in their careers, and be able to live comfortably but also have some left to give.
It was probably always naive, but I held on to it right until the one-two punch of losing all of my files and then Amazon Studios no longer taking open submissions. That happened at a time when I was already caring for my mother and not able to take on other day jobs. Yes, I am now getting a little bit of money from that, but having spent a lot of time going through paperwork and red tape and government programs, none of that is meant to make you optimistic or encourage dreams.
The years have been beating me down, is what I am trying to say.
I started to grasp that more when there was one other creative thing I wanted to do. I saw a submission call for a comic opportunity, and I knew one artist whom I thought would be a great match. I wanted to let him know about it, but I also wanted to suggest we collaborate.
I ended up just passing the opportunity on. I tried drafting a message that suggested working together, but I kept filling it with all of these reasons not to work with me. I don't have any experience. I don't have any connections. I don't have any name recognition. It didn't feel right to not give those warnings, but it became too much of a negative message. I couldn't imagine introducing myself to anyone without the caveat "By the way, I'm nobody!"
In retrospect, you probably don't ever really need to specify being nobody; if they don't already know, they can probably figure it out.
Maybe I was too afraid that they would think I didn't know. I knew, but that was wrong too. I have been creative in many different formats. I have written things that have engaged and amused and taught people, and given them some catharsis for their own pain. I shouldn't judge that by the money made, but you get judged for not having money. I have had plenty of chances to feel that.
When I made the decision that I could not get a new job, because I needed to stay with Mom, that felt right. Every way that I thought of in which it might work out turned out to be wrong. Instead, things I never could have expected or predicted happened, and it has sometimes been very affirming but also often hard. Even other people of faith have been pretty judgmental, because Christian faith is often remarkably capitalist.
I had lost a lot of confidence, at least for dealing with others. There have been multiple factors in coming out of that, but one more experience should help make more sense.
I was at a talk at a museum, before everything began shutting down. One other attendee shared some of her experiences, and it was very moving for everyone, I think, but also I felt like I should give her this ten dollars I had.
I was embarrassed to do it, partly because it might seem condescending, but also because I only had ten dollars, like it could look like I am simultaneously looking down on and pitying you, but also I am cheap. Those would just be perceptions, but I worried about them. I looked at some other things and went back, and she was talking to two other people.
I waited for a pause to insert myself, and I started off so apologetic. I didn't actually say "By the way, I am nobody!", but that was the spirit underwriting my offering.
Fortunately, she understood exactly where I was coming from, and said exactly the right thing, "I accept it with a good heart." She then said that she felt she had to come - they were talking about feeling impelled like that, and listening - but she was almost out of gas. I said that this must be for gas, then. One of the other people said, "She listens."
I was reluctant to accept that - too much like praise - but I have decided that along with needing to find a way to consider my own needs along with everyone else's, I need to stop apologizing for being poor and for having needs and for doing things that seem weird when I know they are important.
I listen and I follow. It may not always be accepted with a good heart, but I can't control that so I have to get past it.
I had just learned to get good at taking respite time; now I need to regroup and find a way of doing it again. A few hopes I'd held on too seem very unlikely now. A door closed on the mortgage issue, and now I am looking for a window. I do not know how long this pandemic will last.
But I have to be me. That means listening, and faith, and caring for others, but can't mean needing their approval. It generally does not mean clarity about resolution, but it does mean clarity for the next step or two.
I'll take what I can get.
Saturday, April 04, 2020
Interview: 5 questions with CHRIS BARRON
Chris Barron has been making music for over thirty years, writing the Spin Doctors' hit "Two Princes" when he was 19 (and performing it on Sesame Street with Elmo, Telly, and Zoe in 1995). He has also explored Norwegian fjords by boat, regularly commemorates #Caturday, and released his most recent solo album three years ago, which I reviewed yesterday:
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/04/album-review-angels-and-one-armed.html
Chris recently answered a few questions for me via e-mail.
Angels and One-Armed Jugglers will be three years old in October, and I have been reading things you said about it at that time. You referred to "the cocktail party at the apocalypse", which in retrospect seems overly optimistic. How are you feeling now?
That comment seems pretty prophetic now in light of the covid pandemic. I hate it when I’m right.
You also mentioned the responsibility of the artist to give some consolation, and I think it really does. Is there comfort you realize you provided now without recognizing it at the time?
You know, I write and I leave a little Easter eggs of hope and bright spots but I never really know what people are going to pick up on.
I
grew up listening to Paul Simon and Bob Marley and the Beatles and the
Rolling Stones but I also like to read Homer and Shakespeare and nerdy
stuff like that. I’m a big Tolkien fan. I like to take inspiration from
stuff outside of rock ‘n’ roll like painting and nature (and cats). Rock
‘n’ roll comes from the blues so you really have to know your way
around the blues, I think.
What makes cats great?
Cats are utterly authentic. They brazenly do whatever they want to do. If they like you it’s a big compliment because they really don’t give a shit.
Please tell us a little about your Sesame Street appearance.
That was the pinnacle of my career so far. Those Muppets are very talented. (Haha) When you first get on the set, you can see all the sudden that they’re made out of felt and ping-pong balls and feathers and stuff but before you know it their eyebrows are going up and down and they’re making jokes and getting inside of your personal space and they just turn into these very real, very personal presences.
To keep up with Chris Barron, you can visit his web site at http://thechrisbarron.com/. For cat content, there's more on Twitter: https://twitter.com/thechrisbarron
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/04/album-review-angels-and-one-armed.html
Chris recently answered a few questions for me via e-mail.
Angels and One-Armed Jugglers will be three years old in October, and I have been reading things you said about it at that time. You referred to "the cocktail party at the apocalypse", which in retrospect seems overly optimistic. How are you feeling now?
That comment seems pretty prophetic now in light of the covid pandemic. I hate it when I’m right.
You also mentioned the responsibility of the artist to give some consolation, and I think it really does. Is there comfort you realize you provided now without recognizing it at the time?
You know, I write and I leave a little Easter eggs of hope and bright spots but I never really know what people are going to pick up on.
What other artists inspire you?
What makes cats great?
Cats are utterly authentic. They brazenly do whatever they want to do. If they like you it’s a big compliment because they really don’t give a shit.
Please tell us a little about your Sesame Street appearance.
That was the pinnacle of my career so far. Those Muppets are very talented. (Haha) When you first get on the set, you can see all the sudden that they’re made out of felt and ping-pong balls and feathers and stuff but before you know it their eyebrows are going up and down and they’re making jokes and getting inside of your personal space and they just turn into these very real, very personal presences.
To keep up with Chris Barron, you can visit his web site at http://thechrisbarron.com/. For cat content, there's more on Twitter: https://twitter.com/thechrisbarron
Friday, April 03, 2020
Album Review: Angels and One-Armed Jugglers by Chris Barron
I have had a harder time getting this review posted than makes any sense, probably reinforcing that taking a break is in order.
For now, though, while it is not super new (2017), I have been enjoying listening to Chris Barron's latest, Angels and One-Armed Jugglers.
At one point I had been listening but without getting any writing done; I was going to scrap the review. However, this passage of music kept coming back to me, a refrain that was a positive in the face of darkness. This persistent phrase was from track 8, "Still a Beautiful World".
It is still a beautiful world -- despite many un-beautiful things in it -- and it is important to remember that.
So this is not the most timely review, with the album being three years old, but the trajectory makes it perfect.
I first reviewed Chris Barron in 2015, and I already knew about a case he'd had of vocal cord paralysis then. This album was being worked on then, and delayed, and then expanded. It was released after the inauguration of the current president, following a dark turn. I am listening to it now at a time of fear and dread and illness that the previous dark turns have not left us well-prepared for. And I was doing album reviews because I find I don't have the time and concentration to review larger bodies of work (and now I don't even think I can review a;bums).
All of those themes of being blocked, and working around then finding new obstacles... it's here, and without shying away from that, there is still hope and comfort within.
It's a good reminder that we need music, and paying attention to it matters, even when it's hard, and even when it is easy to feel insignificant.
http://thechrisbarron.com/
https://www.facebook.com/chrisbarronsolo/
https://chrisbarron.bandcamp.com/
https://www.youtube.com/user/thechrisbarron
https://twitter.com/thechrisbarron
Related posts:
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/12/band-review-chris-barron.html
For now, though, while it is not super new (2017), I have been enjoying listening to Chris Barron's latest, Angels and One-Armed Jugglers.
At one point I had been listening but without getting any writing done; I was going to scrap the review. However, this passage of music kept coming back to me, a refrain that was a positive in the face of darkness. This persistent phrase was from track 8, "Still a Beautiful World".
It is still a beautiful world -- despite many un-beautiful things in it -- and it is important to remember that.
So this is not the most timely review, with the album being three years old, but the trajectory makes it perfect.
I first reviewed Chris Barron in 2015, and I already knew about a case he'd had of vocal cord paralysis then. This album was being worked on then, and delayed, and then expanded. It was released after the inauguration of the current president, following a dark turn. I am listening to it now at a time of fear and dread and illness that the previous dark turns have not left us well-prepared for. And I was doing album reviews because I find I don't have the time and concentration to review larger bodies of work (and now I don't even think I can review a;bums).
All of those themes of being blocked, and working around then finding new obstacles... it's here, and without shying away from that, there is still hope and comfort within.
It's a good reminder that we need music, and paying attention to it matters, even when it's hard, and even when it is easy to feel insignificant.
http://thechrisbarron.com/
https://www.facebook.com/chrisbarronsolo/
https://chrisbarron.bandcamp.com/
https://www.youtube.com/user/thechrisbarron
https://twitter.com/thechrisbarron
Related posts:
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/12/band-review-chris-barron.html
Wednesday, April 01, 2020
Object, subject
Shocking confession time: I sometimes wish that I had not managed sports in high school.
Okay, that is probably only shocking for people who knew me in high school.
I mean, it made sense at the time. I loved sports and I was not good at them. It even led to making some money, because I got paid for running the scoreboard for summer basketball and for keeping score at track meets. I lettered! (Three times for basketball and track, twice for soccer, but also for speech team once adding Student Congress earned me enough points.)
It was also something that I did without understanding why I was doing it or the effect it would have on me.
I wrote about my need to constantly be busy ten years ago. (I had not realized it was that long ago.) The Complex PTSD book used the term "busyholic" a lot, which may be why I am thinking of it now. Even having understood my desperate restlessness then, I had still not quite figured out that the real managing sweet spot - for me - was that it was taking care of other people. That made it a better fit for me.
I can't help but wonder sometimes what my life would have looked like if I could have asked myself what would be good for me? What did I want for myself and how could I make that happen?
When I think harder, that means so many changes that I don't even know that I could recognize myself. Ultimately, I think I have tended to be in the places that I needed to be, and that prevents me from getting too regretful (which makes me okay with being a manager).
But I have been where I have needed to be in a damaged and lonely state. Mainly I am sad about that, and sometimes it is anger. The anger is important, because that's when I know I don't deserve it, but I can't just hold onto it. I am not sure it would be good anyway.
Other than the concerns about the lack of support expressed yesterday, where I am stuck now is wheeling between knowing I need to care for myself, feeling all of my other responsibilities, and seeing so much need in the world that I feel like I need to take on additional responsibilities. I mean, I guess if you are pulled in enough different directions, not moving in any one of them is a likely result.
Still no answers. However, I am going to share a story and a desire.
One of the books that has been very inspiring in the realm of wholeness has been My Grandfather's Blessings by Rachel Naomi Remen. Early on she mentions a story from her grandfather - a rabbi - of the Lamed-Vov, 36 people in the world who see the suffering in the world and respond to it. "They respond to suffering, not in order to save the world, but simply because the suffering of others touches them and matters to them."
Later in the book there is a section called "The Thirty-Six", about a woman who was not suicidal but thought that death could only be a relief when there was so much pain in her life. Later things led her to see that her broken heart made a shelter for others. It disturbed me, and it felt like me.
As much as I want things to be different, I don't want to stop caring. I don't want to abandon my mother. I don't want to shut out the world.
I do want there to be room for me, where I can remember my value and respond adequately to that.
Even more - without saying that I literally believe that piece of Jewish tradition - I want there to be more than 36. I want there to be enough people who care that some of them care about me. I want there to be enough people who care that I don't have to feel responsible for all of it. I want there to be 36 million, or 360 million, or 3.6 billion people caring about the suffering in the world. Then I assume we would be working to save it, but we could do it too.
We wouldn't need to be lonely.
Related posts:
http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/08/club-sandwich.html
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-power-of-hate.html
Okay, that is probably only shocking for people who knew me in high school.
I mean, it made sense at the time. I loved sports and I was not good at them. It even led to making some money, because I got paid for running the scoreboard for summer basketball and for keeping score at track meets. I lettered! (Three times for basketball and track, twice for soccer, but also for speech team once adding Student Congress earned me enough points.)
It was also something that I did without understanding why I was doing it or the effect it would have on me.
I wrote about my need to constantly be busy ten years ago. (I had not realized it was that long ago.) The Complex PTSD book used the term "busyholic" a lot, which may be why I am thinking of it now. Even having understood my desperate restlessness then, I had still not quite figured out that the real managing sweet spot - for me - was that it was taking care of other people. That made it a better fit for me.
I can't help but wonder sometimes what my life would have looked like if I could have asked myself what would be good for me? What did I want for myself and how could I make that happen?
When I think harder, that means so many changes that I don't even know that I could recognize myself. Ultimately, I think I have tended to be in the places that I needed to be, and that prevents me from getting too regretful (which makes me okay with being a manager).
But I have been where I have needed to be in a damaged and lonely state. Mainly I am sad about that, and sometimes it is anger. The anger is important, because that's when I know I don't deserve it, but I can't just hold onto it. I am not sure it would be good anyway.
Other than the concerns about the lack of support expressed yesterday, where I am stuck now is wheeling between knowing I need to care for myself, feeling all of my other responsibilities, and seeing so much need in the world that I feel like I need to take on additional responsibilities. I mean, I guess if you are pulled in enough different directions, not moving in any one of them is a likely result.
Still no answers. However, I am going to share a story and a desire.
One of the books that has been very inspiring in the realm of wholeness has been My Grandfather's Blessings by Rachel Naomi Remen. Early on she mentions a story from her grandfather - a rabbi - of the Lamed-Vov, 36 people in the world who see the suffering in the world and respond to it. "They respond to suffering, not in order to save the world, but simply because the suffering of others touches them and matters to them."
Later in the book there is a section called "The Thirty-Six", about a woman who was not suicidal but thought that death could only be a relief when there was so much pain in her life. Later things led her to see that her broken heart made a shelter for others. It disturbed me, and it felt like me.
As much as I want things to be different, I don't want to stop caring. I don't want to abandon my mother. I don't want to shut out the world.
I do want there to be room for me, where I can remember my value and respond adequately to that.
Even more - without saying that I literally believe that piece of Jewish tradition - I want there to be more than 36. I want there to be enough people who care that some of them care about me. I want there to be enough people who care that I don't have to feel responsible for all of it. I want there to be 36 million, or 360 million, or 3.6 billion people caring about the suffering in the world. Then I assume we would be working to save it, but we could do it too.
We wouldn't need to be lonely.
Related posts:
http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/08/club-sandwich.html
https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-power-of-hate.html
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
All the rage
Getting close to two years ago now, I exchanged "I love you"s with someone. Sometimes in literature that is called reaching an understanding, but we did not. I misunderstood the next thing he said, and we parted very quickly -- not on bad terms, but not having resolved anything.
When I realized how badly I had misunderstood what I thought was him saying he needed to go, I blamed myself a lot. Over time I have come to believe that it was necessary, and a protection for both of us. Based on our needs and abilities at the time, if we had tried to have a relationship then I think we could only have caused each other hurt and disappointment, causing a bad rupture. There has still been plenty of pain and disappointment, but not from each other. I believe that because of the delay, what happens next can be good.
You may be skeptical of my interpretation of events. That is fitting, because this post is about my anger at the skepticism of my friends.
I did write a little about this on the blog when it happened, but there weren't details, including identifying information. I did share details with some people closer to me, and I am only starting to feel recently how angry I am with them.
I acknowledge that there are a lot of things to feel angry about now, so my seething rage is probably not exclusively theirs, but these are friends and people I love so it feels worse.
Two were quietly skeptical. The one reaction feels really condescending now, but at the time it was just disappointing. One friend was supportive, and I am grateful for her.
(There are people whom I could have conceivably talked to if the opportunity had come up when I needed to talk about it, but if you aren't included, don't feel left out.)
Otherwise, it was disbelief. "Are you sure he didn't mean platonically? You must have misunderstood."
Thank you for reinforcing my deepest belief that there is something inherently unlovable about me.
Forget the fact that at other times you have tried to set me up with people, or told me that the things that I worried made me ineligible for love didn't really matter. Forget that you have seen people hitting on me, and sometimes I picked up on it and sometimes I didn't, but it has happened. When push came to shove, you had to tell me that this thing that was really positive and affirming and meaningful for me was not real.
I have never done that to you.
And the reason I haven't done that to you is not that you are so much smarter or insightful or spiritual or self-aware that nothing you said could reasonably warrant putting some brakes on, but because of kindness and respect.
You could have been happy for me. When I was kicking myself for not understanding, you could have reassured me that one mistake doesn't have to ruin your life, and that things can still work out. You could have reminded me that this phase of my life won't last forever. That might have been wrong because I am still broke and stuck and now we might all die of Coronavirus before any of that resolves, but it still would have been better.
You could have had some faith in me that I can understand a direct statement, and that it was not an unreasonable statement. You could have asked more questions about what led up to it if you had concerns.
You absolutely could have done better than telling me you didn't want to hear it, then gossiping about it to other people, then periodically taunting me with ways to prove it. That should be obviously crappy enough that you would never do that to anyone, or feel anything but shame over it.
So I have a lot of anger, and it is close to home.
But also, I know that I have kept hopes and dreams to myself enough that no one really had any practice in how to handle that.
I mentioned yesterday that I hate writing feedback groups. That is the criticism thing but it is also too much sharing. Yes, I don't do that much, but also I have my reasons. Every now and then when I go outside of that, I am reminded why I don't share.
Add to that the saying that you teach people how to treat you. It's kind of a cruel victim-blaming, really, but also, what do I need to do differently?
For all of the anger I have, these have been some pretty good friends, who have come through in other ways and we have shared good times. To some extent, I think they are so used to seeing me in one way that they have a hard time imagining anything else. Lately the only times I have really felt seen have been with strangers, another things that makes self-isolation difficult. I don't know how long it will be before I can see anyone new again.
I don't have a solution for that. Tomorrow I will start out with another startling true confession, and see if I can get anywhere from there.
When I realized how badly I had misunderstood what I thought was him saying he needed to go, I blamed myself a lot. Over time I have come to believe that it was necessary, and a protection for both of us. Based on our needs and abilities at the time, if we had tried to have a relationship then I think we could only have caused each other hurt and disappointment, causing a bad rupture. There has still been plenty of pain and disappointment, but not from each other. I believe that because of the delay, what happens next can be good.
You may be skeptical of my interpretation of events. That is fitting, because this post is about my anger at the skepticism of my friends.
I did write a little about this on the blog when it happened, but there weren't details, including identifying information. I did share details with some people closer to me, and I am only starting to feel recently how angry I am with them.
I acknowledge that there are a lot of things to feel angry about now, so my seething rage is probably not exclusively theirs, but these are friends and people I love so it feels worse.
Two were quietly skeptical. The one reaction feels really condescending now, but at the time it was just disappointing. One friend was supportive, and I am grateful for her.
(There are people whom I could have conceivably talked to if the opportunity had come up when I needed to talk about it, but if you aren't included, don't feel left out.)
Otherwise, it was disbelief. "Are you sure he didn't mean platonically? You must have misunderstood."
Thank you for reinforcing my deepest belief that there is something inherently unlovable about me.
Forget the fact that at other times you have tried to set me up with people, or told me that the things that I worried made me ineligible for love didn't really matter. Forget that you have seen people hitting on me, and sometimes I picked up on it and sometimes I didn't, but it has happened. When push came to shove, you had to tell me that this thing that was really positive and affirming and meaningful for me was not real.
I have never done that to you.
And the reason I haven't done that to you is not that you are so much smarter or insightful or spiritual or self-aware that nothing you said could reasonably warrant putting some brakes on, but because of kindness and respect.
You could have been happy for me. When I was kicking myself for not understanding, you could have reassured me that one mistake doesn't have to ruin your life, and that things can still work out. You could have reminded me that this phase of my life won't last forever. That might have been wrong because I am still broke and stuck and now we might all die of Coronavirus before any of that resolves, but it still would have been better.
You could have had some faith in me that I can understand a direct statement, and that it was not an unreasonable statement. You could have asked more questions about what led up to it if you had concerns.
You absolutely could have done better than telling me you didn't want to hear it, then gossiping about it to other people, then periodically taunting me with ways to prove it. That should be obviously crappy enough that you would never do that to anyone, or feel anything but shame over it.
So I have a lot of anger, and it is close to home.
But also, I know that I have kept hopes and dreams to myself enough that no one really had any practice in how to handle that.
I mentioned yesterday that I hate writing feedback groups. That is the criticism thing but it is also too much sharing. Yes, I don't do that much, but also I have my reasons. Every now and then when I go outside of that, I am reminded why I don't share.
Add to that the saying that you teach people how to treat you. It's kind of a cruel victim-blaming, really, but also, what do I need to do differently?
For all of the anger I have, these have been some pretty good friends, who have come through in other ways and we have shared good times. To some extent, I think they are so used to seeing me in one way that they have a hard time imagining anything else. Lately the only times I have really felt seen have been with strangers, another things that makes self-isolation difficult. I don't know how long it will be before I can see anyone new again.
I don't have a solution for that. Tomorrow I will start out with another startling true confession, and see if I can get anywhere from there.
Monday, March 30, 2020
Flawed perfectionist
I have one more new book and two re-reads and some exercises pending, so I didn't think I was going to write about mental and emotional health yet. The last book stirred something up, though, and now I can't stop thinking about it.
Remember when it used to be a job interview question to ask "What is your greatest weakness as an employee?" It fell out of favor because people always answered that they were perfectionists or workaholics, but I had realized what my accurate answer was: I don't take criticism well.
It also probably didn't matter, because of how that is true for me. I incorporate the correction into my work, and I don't complain or give attitude about it. I do feel mortified inside and hate myself for being so stupid for a while. Since it doesn't get in the way of job performance or inconvenience anyone but me - and since correction is necessary sometimes, that is probably for the best - I am just not sure it is something a boss needs to care about.
While I was reading Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving I made the connection that this is related to some issues I have stemming from my father and his inability to ever admit he was wrong or accept blame.
In terms of blaming myself, it feels a little stupid to have to deal with this now. I recognized a related issue decades ago (key incidents in 1992 and 1994), where I didn't like showing weakness or admitting error or even acting impressed with anything. I realized then that this fear of people seeing you as less than perfect is unnecessary, and holds you back. It is more likely to irritate other people than impress them.
I thought I had learned and incorporated that. I guess I did with peers, but in a work situation it was still thriving. And, I guess in a way it was a perfectionism issue.
It may be easier to see now because I have been out of the regular work force for a while, and looking back on my experiences while there, well, it is clear that a lot of people I have worked for not only would not care about my feelings but also did not care that much about honesty or integrity or various other traits that would have been nice.
I have really learned that my best efforts cannot make me "good" enough to make things go right, at least not solely by virtue of me being good. I suspect that could eventually be a relief, but right now it is just disappointing.
In the meantime, there are a few issues that really get me with this, because I need to go somewhere with them or change something, and I am not sure yet. That is why I can't stop thinking about it.
The more minor one is that I have always hated writing groups, where you solicit feedback on your work. In retrospect, that is perfectly logical. I have also never been impressed with them, but is that the groups I have seen, or my own issues getting in the way? Both could be true.
That seems more minor because I am not writing much now, and I don't know how things are going to go, and maybe it doesn't matter. I have always been pretty good at the self-criticism, but other viewpoints could have value.
For the record, I can see many flaws in my published books, but those were more from writing them so quickly, in the hopes that I could make some money that way, when in reality I was never going to make much money doing anything. (That is a different issue.)
However, since I am really bad at making money, and I saw a post yesterday about self-isolating people needing things to read, I have put all of my Kindle novels on a 5-day promotion where they are free.
https://www.amazon.com/Gina-Harris/e/B00OC0N218
Help yourself! If you like them, great. If not, it did not cost you anything.
The other issue is more frustrating, but I will save that for tomorrow. It's not about money, though. It may not sound like it, but I have kind of made peace with that.
Remember when it used to be a job interview question to ask "What is your greatest weakness as an employee?" It fell out of favor because people always answered that they were perfectionists or workaholics, but I had realized what my accurate answer was: I don't take criticism well.
It also probably didn't matter, because of how that is true for me. I incorporate the correction into my work, and I don't complain or give attitude about it. I do feel mortified inside and hate myself for being so stupid for a while. Since it doesn't get in the way of job performance or inconvenience anyone but me - and since correction is necessary sometimes, that is probably for the best - I am just not sure it is something a boss needs to care about.
While I was reading Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving I made the connection that this is related to some issues I have stemming from my father and his inability to ever admit he was wrong or accept blame.
In terms of blaming myself, it feels a little stupid to have to deal with this now. I recognized a related issue decades ago (key incidents in 1992 and 1994), where I didn't like showing weakness or admitting error or even acting impressed with anything. I realized then that this fear of people seeing you as less than perfect is unnecessary, and holds you back. It is more likely to irritate other people than impress them.
I thought I had learned and incorporated that. I guess I did with peers, but in a work situation it was still thriving. And, I guess in a way it was a perfectionism issue.
It may be easier to see now because I have been out of the regular work force for a while, and looking back on my experiences while there, well, it is clear that a lot of people I have worked for not only would not care about my feelings but also did not care that much about honesty or integrity or various other traits that would have been nice.
I have really learned that my best efforts cannot make me "good" enough to make things go right, at least not solely by virtue of me being good. I suspect that could eventually be a relief, but right now it is just disappointing.
In the meantime, there are a few issues that really get me with this, because I need to go somewhere with them or change something, and I am not sure yet. That is why I can't stop thinking about it.
The more minor one is that I have always hated writing groups, where you solicit feedback on your work. In retrospect, that is perfectly logical. I have also never been impressed with them, but is that the groups I have seen, or my own issues getting in the way? Both could be true.
That seems more minor because I am not writing much now, and I don't know how things are going to go, and maybe it doesn't matter. I have always been pretty good at the self-criticism, but other viewpoints could have value.
For the record, I can see many flaws in my published books, but those were more from writing them so quickly, in the hopes that I could make some money that way, when in reality I was never going to make much money doing anything. (That is a different issue.)
However, since I am really bad at making money, and I saw a post yesterday about self-isolating people needing things to read, I have put all of my Kindle novels on a 5-day promotion where they are free.
https://www.amazon.com/Gina-Harris/e/B00OC0N218
Help yourself! If you like them, great. If not, it did not cost you anything.
The other issue is more frustrating, but I will save that for tomorrow. It's not about money, though. It may not sound like it, but I have kind of made peace with that.
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