Teachable moments

When we left off, there were disturbing, inappropriate things being tweeted at Frank, and I wanted to do something, but I wasn’t sure what. Suddenly, there was a regular tweet, not specifically to Frank, “Let’s face it, Frank’s not gonna reply me.”

I replied: “Well I wouldn’t expect answers to any sex tape or dog killing questions. That’s not fun for them.”

This is an abridged version of how the conversation went:

L: I’m just kidding around.

Me. I know, but I remember how at one point the band was pretty much all off Twitter? It was stuff like that.

L: How do you know? And I wasn’t the only one sending silly questions so

Me. I know other people are doing it. I’m just saying the band members don’t enjoy it, and I like them sticking around.

L: alright. I don’t think they’d get off Twitter at a time like this though regardless of tweets they get. But okay.

Honestly, I thought she was going to unfollow me, and I still felt like I was on probation for a few days after that. I think we’re okay now.

As it was, from the conversation alone it does not look like she really agreed with my point. There was definite resistance, because other people were doing it, and she was not being serious. I tried to really acknowledge that, but it probably still felt like an attack. You should not be doing that! With all of those factors, though, she still stopped doing it.

I think you will encounter similar reactions when raising gender issues, whether it is related to comics or gaming or jobs.

Some people will be irritated. This is how it’s always been done. It’s not really a big deal. It’s not hurting anyone so get a sense of humor and lighten up. Some will have a worse reaction, because they are personally invested in it, but you won’t necessarily know who’s who, and you won’t know what’s going on in their heads. There may be embarrassment that leads them to be more defensive, or they may be seriously offended that you are spoiling their fun, and they will very possibly believe that you are crazy for even bringing it up.

Last week I got to hear Tim Wise speak on racial relations. One point he was very clear on was that we don’t choose what lenses we view life with. There are things that you deal with or don’t deal with, and things you don’t have to deal with. As someone who is physically able, he did not have to think about getting into the auditorium. There may have been steps, or not, and he didn’t even notice. If he was in a wheelchair, he would. It doesn’t make him able-ist; it’s just the way it is. I knew that, but it is good to remember again that it’s not a matter of choice or thought, but really automatic, and so you don’t want to get angry at people for not knowing.

Now, when you are trying to tell people, and they refuse to know, that’s more problematic, but the starting point should be compassion, and a willingness to understand.

One point he made is that people do not like talking about race. Different groups have different reasons for that, but often with white people are afraid they will say something wrong and look racist. His point there was that saying nothing makes it easy for the racism to be assumed.

I know the way some people deal with this is to just say, look, we’re all racist and we need to deal with that. The problem with this is that “rascist” has really ugly connotations, as it should. You don’t want to identify with neo-Nazis or the Klan when that is so stupid and offensive, so how can you take the word that means that and say that’s you?

Perhaps it makes more sense to think of it in terms of lenses, and to just realize that there are things you don’t know, and accept that. You may say something stupid, or at least ignorant, but admitted ignorance is way better than ignorance that thinks it knows what’s going on. And, if you ever want to accomplish anything, you’re going to have to accept that you don’t know it all, and that pretending to is pointless.

It’s uncomfortable to find out that so much of your comfort is due to privilege, as opposed to being a manifestation of how deserving and good you are. That goes with race, and it goes with gender. In one of the articles that I read (I wish I could find it again), the author had, after a female coworker told him that her ideas were ignored, but accepted if someone else mentioned them, paid attention in a meeting, and found that was exactly the case. Teachers think they are calling on boys and girls equally, and observers think they are, but when they count, the boys are being called on twice as much.

These biases are so deeply woven into our fabric that there are going to be some pains in getting them out, but I believe those pains are growing pains. So much of what is wrong with the world comes from us setting ourselves apart from each other, and against each other. When you stereotype people, you are mentally stripping away their humanity, and turning them into objects. We miss out when we do that. We miss out on people.

And these issues are important. We can’t keep stacking the deck against whole bands of society. It makes for a stupid, unhappy world.

So, it appears that I will keep speaking up when things strike me as wrong. I do need to learn to do it better. With the Catwoman thing, I don’t think I did any good. I also don’t think saying it differently would have helped there. So I think what I need to do is contact DC.