Looking up
the old posts from 2010, it occurred to me that maybe my problem with drama was
that it didn't keep me busy enough. For someone who did as many things as I
ended up doing, there is a certain logic to that. In addition, my previous explanation
to myself had been unsatisfactory.
Back then I
told myself that I was never going to be a lead because I wasn't attractive and
I couldn't sing, and so there was no point in it. I have never liked that
explanation because it sounds like a narcissistic hissy fit.
It was also
untrue. People of various sizes and vocal ranges got some very interesting
roles. I probably could have as well. I may not have been into acting enough,
which is fine. I did still take one more drama class the next year, and I think
it illustrates something.
We had a
lot of opportunities to write our own sketches. When I helped other people with
theirs, they were usually more comic. Most of the parts that I remember
enjoying other people doing were comic. I always wanted to do dramatic,
relationship-based things, even if they were overwrought and not very fun. I
saw myself doing it, but I didn't know why I couldn't let it go.
In
retrospect, I think what the loss of feeling that I could be loved as myself meant
to me was that I couldn't be a star, even in my own life. If love is the main
storyline - and yes, this probably was worse because I was a girl and societal
expectations and all - then ineligibility for love meant permanent supporting
cast. I struggled with that.
That's when
I went around trying everything and looking for something new.
Okay, I was
not good at guitar, but I was a valued member of the yearbook staff in ninth
grade, and in the process I learned how to process and develop film. I had
access to the darkroom. I also got great grades that year and cleaned up at the
end of the year assembly. Teachers voted me outstanding French student, English
student, Social Studies student, and then I got Most Academic too, by student
vote. However, I remember that even though I wanted to get Most Academic
because I could get it, when the ballots were going around I wished I could get
the award for Nicest Eyes or something like that.
So even
though I tried a lot more things the next year in high school, the one that
really stuck was sports management, where I was supporting cast. I had rebelled
against it, but without understanding what I was doing or why, perhaps it was
inevitable that the place where I landed up was one where I was serving others,
and not a star.
I feel like
I'm being disloyal to the teams saying that. I really loved them, and the guys
were nice to me for the most part, and after my father stopped speaking to me
just having the coaches in my life was huge, but I probably should have been
doing something for me, and for building the life that I wanted.
The problem
was that I was quickly losing the ability to believe that I could have good or
interesting things for me, so there was nothing to try for. I became "the
friend" with guys. In some ways that was what I had been doing all along.
I was prone to shame before, and people-pleasing and over-functioning, but it
got cemented here, between 14 and 17.
On one
level I was just putting everything off to the future. Someday I would lose
weight, and then someone would love me, but I think on another level I didn't
really believe it would ever happen.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment