I guess
it's time to get back to disconnecting and reconnecting with my body.
Some of the
things I will be writing about this week are things I have written about
before, though it's been longer than I realized. I was looking for a couple of
posts and they were from August 2010.
There were
things that I pegged accurately then, but there were things that I missed
completely, and have only started to see recently.
That
includes that I was disconnected from my body. I did kind of know that I was
missing weight gain. I was deliberately trying to ignore it, though it should
not have been so possible, but I knew a while ago that I had blocked out that. I
had no comprehension of how good I had gotten at blocking out pain and
discomfort and all of these other things that I should have been able to notice
and understand.
That's the
big focus here, except that the reasons for the disconnect and the results and
the methods all relate to the mind and spirit too, and there's not going to be
any healing of the body without healing the rest. I have to be an integrated
soul.
Here
are the other things that I missed.
I knew that
I got frustrated with everything in 9th grade, and I changed both my classes
and my after-school activities for that. I thought that I had just gotten sick
of theater; I did not connect it to the incident of harassment. I suppose I
couldn't, since I was trying to pretend that it never happened. Now, yes, I
think the incident that spawned the deep-rooted conviction that boys being
attracted to me could only ever be a joke, and the unhappiness associated with
that, may have contributed to my trying to make my life completely different.
There are
things specific about giving up drama and going into sports management that are
going to get their own post tomorrow. For now, there was something else that I
hadn't grasped.
I knew that
it was hard on me when Dad disowned me. At 17 I told myself that it wasn't that
bad. At ages older than that, I had to admit that it was pretty bad, but I
still didn't think that it changed me. Many of the things that I did after he
stopped talking to me were things that I had been doing before, and so I could
kind of convince myself that I was already developed enough that it didn't make
much difference, but I think it did. I think it was kind of a final severance
there, that I was on my own, and I could not count on anyone.
Coincidentally,
I recently came across the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, and the concept
of an ACE score. It focuses on the things that happen before you turn 18.
I don't
know that I would have chosen that cutoff. My theory previously was that what
happens in your first twenty years determines the way that you are broken, and
then from 20 on it's all about starting to fix it. All of my breakage happened
before 18, so point taken.
Maybe if
that conflict had waited a year, I would only think it was my father who
couldn't be depended on, and not the world. Maybe that's what the difference
is. And maybe I would have learned to drive some other way, and be doing that
now.
Where I
started to see that more was when I had the guitar dream. It connected my
beginning guitar class and my father in a way that I hadn't before, like there
was an arc that started at 14 and completed at 17, and that's who I became. I
don't think I have to undo everything about it, but I have to undo the false
beliefs, and my method for that seems to be unraveling it all in painstaking
detail.
For now,
even though I don't play the guitar much, I'm still glad I have her. That feels
like one of the few things that went right.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment