Something left for me

I was heading to the store recently and thinking about money, which is not uncommon for me. My thoughts ended up focusing on how with my tax refund money and my incentive payment - the only big cash boosts that I get in a year - it felt like they hadn't done anything for me.

That is not a fair statement. The bulk of it went toward replacing the stove. That is something that benefits me. While I was generally pretty pleased with how well we managed without a stove, it is a lot easier having one. It's a good model and should last a while. It's not like it was a waste or anything, but stoves aren't cheap. Also, we finally got the space converted from drop-in to slide-in (this gives a lot more options and makes future work much easier, so that's valuable) and that cost extra money.

That didn't take everything, but it was the largest part. I did get some new clothes (which were really needed) but mainly I spent it to help other people, some household members, some not.

I love helping people, so when I have the chance I want to do it, but the phrase that hit me as I slid into the car was "There's nothing left for me."

I do that. Sometimes I do that with my time and strength, though I am improving there. Sometimes I do it with money.

It sounds whiny - which I hate - but if that is something that I do to myself, and if it is a problem, then I need to fix it. I can't expect anyone else to stop me.

I wasn't sure how to go about it, except that I should probably stop and ask myself what I need on a regular basis. Trying that didn't really feel like it was working, except maybe for the nap I took Saturday afternoon, but I had a moment of clarity in the shower. I need to replace my mattress.

Asking wasn't working because I wasn't listening. I had been thinking about getting a new mattress. Mine is caved in, and I think that partially explains why my shoulders and neck hurt so much. I do think fasciitis plays a role too, and I need to look at remedies for that, but I also totally need to replace the mattress.

I had been thinking about that and the bed, because the foot board is falling off the bed, and it's pretty old too. However, the bed is still holding its shape; the mattress isn't. I had ruled that out as a possibility currently, because mattresses aren't cheap, but I need it and I can make it work. Money will be tight; but it already is. Apparently my most pressing need is not to hurt so much.

This entire process has been a pattern lately. I think that I don't know what to do, but actually the idea was there, and I was discounting it because it didn't seem possible or practical. Later I realize that it can be done, if for no other reason than that it needs to be done, therefore it must be possible.

So it looks like a good skill for me might be not dismissing the right answer so quickly. Maybe it's okay. If I still get there reasonably quickly, and am more sure because the idea didn't go away after being dismissed, maybe that's enough.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I don't know that it's terribly significant, but my moments of clarity frequently come during or right after my shower.