More selfies

While I've been writing about books and politics, a lot has been going on.

I've been having some really good conversations on the selfies. They do things for other people that I hadn't really thought of. For the intended purpose of becoming more accepting of my own appearance, there's a reason that you do it for a year. I am not quite one quarter of the way through, and there is still progress to be made. Still, there are other things that happened.

One is that I had some really bad days, where I could not work up a smile. If I wasn't committed to a daily selfie, I would not have taken pictures on those days, but I had this commitment, so there wasn't any hiding from it. There were some pretty sad pictures, and some gritting my teeth trying to get back to somewhere good pictures, and there was this:

May 9: #365feministselfie The past couple of weeks I have been exhausted, hurt, allergic, sick, and insulted. Still here.

Covering the things that went into that picture should give a pretty good update of what's going on in my life right now, and how it is has been going.

First off, my severance is done. I have now started getting serious about my job search, which I meant to start sooner, but the writing took longer than I wanted it to, and that is still my preferred method of earning a living. Putting off the job search may have repercussions, but one thing that was happening in those two weeks included ridiculous login problems with the state site, which was very discouraging. It required some long hold times, but login issues are resolved, and I am now being more organized in my search.

The last time I blogged about the writing, I had decided that I was going to work multiple projects, and also that I was going to post how much I had written each day to keep myself accountable. That was good to a point, but there were a couple of things that went wrong with it.

I was trying to do too much. I'm not saying that's what got me sick. That has happened before, but this particular illness was a cold that worked its way through the entire household (I was third). Even though I had allergy symptoms before it hit (and I still do) I felt the cold descend upon me with a sneezing fit that pretty much announced "This is different."

It may have been a helpful reminder that I have limitations. I have so much I want to get done, and it feels very important. I need to finish these scripts, and I probably can't write that one right until I finish these books, and then I need to do these things, and I didn't give myself the support I needed, nor was I getting it from anywhere else. The breakdown came around April 26th, which was also the last day I posted a writing page count.

I switched to focusing on finishing Everything Else, that document of self analysis and assignments that I have been working on since November. I finished it May 5th, which was really fortunate because the big insults came on May 6th. They stung less because of something that I realized when I was finishing up Everything Else.

I am still not functioning at the level that I want to. Like, at some point if I could have a day where I exercise, and provide enrichment activities for Mom, and cook a nutritious dinner, and make progress in a book and earn some money and write, that would be really amazing.

At the same time, I've learned a lot. I did finish one screenplay, and I only have one scene left on another, and the two events I was working on have come off. I even did some fun things. I finished some books.

One of the things I have been doing for job hunting is viewing various webinars and things, and part of that is remembering that I am good at stuff. Losing your job - no matter how nicely they break the news - feels like a rejection of your worth as an employee. I do have a lot to offer. When I work for you I do a good job. There is this process of building back up, and I am getting there.

And, just with where I am at in my efforts at personal growth, there is really nowhere to hide. This does not seem ideal for either job seeking or agent seeking, but it's where I'm at. Maybe that's okay. This here is the person who will work hard for you, and who plans hard and writes hard and maybe I'm just kind of intense. I'm at least intensely human.

But most of all, I'm still here.