Advance Directives

If yesterday's post has you wondering why I am so tired, unemployment stress is part of it, but the dementia stress is a lot worse. I don't want to get into that now, because I am still hoping that this current phase - which has a lot of disassociation going on - is temporary. Maybe a new medication will improve things, or getting the home repairs over with and restoring that sense of normalcy. Between the leak and the leg growth and me losing my job, there has been a lot of stress.

That may be denial, but for now I am holding on to it. However, it made filling out the Advance Directive forms - which have been laying around for a few months - more important. Her sense of connection to us and the house may waver, but my mother's sense of herself is still strong, and she can make decisions. That may be temporary.

One pleasant surprise was the ease of the process. They break it down into a few scenarios that are clear and concise. This is what cardiac arrest is; would you want CPR? These are the options if you can't eat normally. We were able to get through it quickly without any concerns about understanding, and I am grateful for that.

A less pleasant surprise was how much my mother is already against any of the efforts. You can choose a trial tube-feeding period; it doesn't have to be long-term or none. I did not previously know about her horror of having things stuck down her throat, but that really influenced her decision-making on artificial respiration.

The harder part is thinking that we could already be at the point where death would be better. We kind of were already there. Seeing how hard things sometimes get now, and knowing that odds are they will only get worse until they end completely, has made us have to think about it, but we are not ready to lose her.

I know people who have lost their mothers, both recently and a long time ago, and suddenly and with extended warning. Any time I send my mind to what would be better or worse it just goes blank; there is no good way to lose your mother. We do not like this situation, but we remain unprepared for it to end. I guess it was a surprise learning how ready she was.

And, it doesn't quite mean that either, because these situations all start with something catastrophic happening, that hasn't happened yet, and may not ever happen, but that we are not ready to wrap our minds around yet.

I am still glad that we did it. I am glad that they have been her choices to make, and we could make them when we could think clearly, instead of in the moment of crisis. It is ultimately a relief, though not an unmitigated one.

So I am going to put a useful link at the end, but for my own thoughts I can only go back to Emily Dickinson:

"Parting is all we know of heaven,

And all we need of hell."

http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm