Losing Sylvia

I finished The Bell Jar in 2013, after which I wanted to read everything else by Sylvia Plath, ever.

I read The Colossus and Other Poems a few months later, and that wasn't enough. I'm sure that was at least partially because it contained neither "The Moon and the Yew Tree" nor "Daddy", both of which I feel are significant for understanding her parental relationships. Nevertheless, I knew there were more poems and I knew there were letters published between her and her mother.

I know I was hoping to somehow make sense of her death, and see how much her life corresponded to the book. I'm not sure any additional reading would have changed much, but I didn't get there anyway. I was in the middle of the Long Reading List, and I always have a lot of things to do. I may get to the rest later, or I may not.

I am thinking about that now because I have finally started something else I had been putting off. If you have been reading for a while, you know there are people I look out for on Twitter. A lot of them are young girls going through rough emotional times that may involve some kind of self-harm.

While I will frequently just happen to notice something and engage, I always worry about what I don't see. I know other people are there too, but I worry.

As I go through the list, many names are familiar. They are still posting and we still communicate with each other. There are also many that haven't been active for while.

This often means deleting the account completely. Often the names are cruelly self-deprecating, and it may be best to let that identity go. Deleting can also be symbolic, because this was associated with the bad times that they are leaving behind. It can be a sign of their commitment to not falling back.

Some leave the account there but stop posting. I get reports of the inactive accounts I follow weekly, and I'll stay. If they do come back, I will still be around.

Sometimes you can find out in other ways. One had used her real name. That is very rare, because most of these accounts are secret, but she did and I found her through Facebook, and she's fine. She had attempted multiple times, enough that I had been pretty sure that one of them would succeed. I still tried to talk her out of it, but I didn't think there was much hope. There was enough. She's alive and pursuing her interests.

I found out that another one was doing well via e-mail. She has asked for feedback on some writing previously, and I had her address because of that. That was great. Sometimes taking on the world means less internet time. Go for it!

Mostly I find unanswered questions, or that things are still bad. Originally the plan was to go through and see if there were places where extra attention could be helpful. Usually that happens more spontaneously. For example, one time a girl tweeted that she was going to have a rough month and I had the idea to send her something funny or cute every day for the next month, which did help.

That was something I saw without trying; all I did was be open. Trying to go beyond that, and find the things that I might normally miss, could be a good way to become overwhelmed and give up. I'm pacing myself, but I'm not sure that much new good will come from it.

Still, some inactive accounts have left tweets explaining that they are doing better. Twitter doesn't fill the spot that it did anymore, so they are getting off, or they are going to stick with their real account but they don't need the secret account anymore. Any time I find that, that's a plus. I won't unfollow the account just in case, but I will stop worrying, and be happy for them.

There's one I found yesterday that really touched me. She had several tweets explaining how her father got her into therapy, and she discovered some new talents, and he was supporting her in that. It sounded like her life was becoming full, and she left with an expression of happiness and hope, but in the tweet before that she thanked me for saving her life.

That was two years ago. I saw it then, but it had blurred into all of the others. When I did help her, it was what I saw and followed up on without trying, but it mattered to her.

I like it when we have friends forever that we will always care about and stay in touch with, and I like it when I know how things turn out, but that's not the only option. Sometimes a few minutes at the right time can be enough.

No matter how many times you feel inadequate or overwhelmed and utterly lacking in power, kindness still matters. Sometimes you even get to know that it mattered.