My 2020: Compensating

I tried posting yesterday; there is a long draft that may be two separate posts or something. 

Then today I thought there was no way I could post, because the already terrible state of the world increased, and even with signs of hope how could I think of anything else?

Funny thing about that, though, is that one of the big problems I have been needing to grapple with is that I can get really stalled on doing things if I am not sure I can finish them. 

That was a part of the issue I mentioned with distraction in the last post, where there are so many things that need addressing, and I won't be able to do it all, or even finish this one, and I get stuck on that.

Somehow, being overwhelmed by this world's rapid and psychotic pace may be a very appropriate topic for today.

My shrinking capacity for writing wasn't just a political/police brutality/global pandemic thing either. It started with taking care of Mom through changing needs. There was a time when there was a two hour block of television that she would watch pretty reliably. That gave me a chance to get things done. I used to be able to depend on her spending some time on housework every day. The quality was going down, but it still made her happy, and then she was less interested and also the quality went down to where I was starting to worry about bacteria spread. That not only took away one of her activities; it added to mine. 

I did feel that before, but everything got worse in 2020. That was probably the combination of her decline and the accursed presidency fanning the flames of the racism and white supremacy this country and its police force were built on and then politicizing the global pandemic so that people would willingly spread instead of fighting it, turning the modern Republican party into a more obvious death cult than it has ever been before, though really it's been in the works since at least Goldwater, if not Thurmond.

That all of those other things were still in place after Mom was moved into care probably did not help with my dealing with all of the built-up exhaustion and depression, but I was never just going to spring back, regardless.

(That's what I was trying to write about yesterday, but I am apparently not yet able to write concisely and helpfully about it.)

I definitely read more slowly than I wanted to in 2020. I blogged less. I stopped reviewing bands. Those were all losses. I did get a few interviews for the blog and I loved doing that, but I couldn't keep up with it either.

At the same time, I can look back and see that while doing less I was also making it more meaningful. 

I swear it wasn't deliberate. I combined a double fundraiser with the daily songs because I felt bad about Blues Fest being canceled, and I knew that there was more than one charity where funds were needed. 

Knowing there were far more than two charities needing help is what led to Christmas in July songs and highlighting service opportunities with that, and it was during that July that I started envisioning #RememberSeptember.

And then we sent a lot of people Christmas cards.

It was all merely responding to perceived needs, and that aggregating. The daily songs were the only thing I could stay really committed to, but they also became more.

Speaking of not being able to finish things, after Trump's inauguration I started reading things that I thought were relevant. I made a list. I was going to become so educated on how we got here, and then I was going to blog about these things and help other people understand and we were going to do better!

Initially, I think I started with about 31 books in mind. I have read at least 51 that I count for that, plus a lot of supplemental other sections that add up to at least another 51 books, and there are at least 16 more books not yet read that are specifically part of that list, plus some concepts to spend some more time on. 

I am not done learning. I blogged some things, but certainly not everything that I hoped and meant to.

However, Biden won, as did Warnock and Ossoff, and I don't think an armed mob breaking into the Capitol with a shocking lack of restraint by the police will be able to change that. We're not where I want us to be as a country, but I was not going to be the one to get us there, really. I know my posts help some people, but those people are usually already thinking pretty clearly.

I guess that gives a double lesson for this year. One (which I sort of already knew but maybe I still fight it sometimes) is that thinking you know how things are going to turn out is pretty delusional. There are so many possibilities, and so many other actors. That lack of clarity and control doesn't mean you don't have choices, and it means making good choices is even more important. It is still a source of frustration, at least for me.

The second lesson, then, is closely related, and that you need to let it go. If something would be a good thing to finish, it may very well be a good thing to start, even with no guarantees.

This is hard for the blogger who tends to envision content in 3- and 6-part series, but if the way I learn these things is in connected but separate books, then a blog post that focuses on one concept can still be a good thing, even if the posts on related concepts don't ever get written (or don't get written until several months later). 

In 2020 I have learned better how to accept my shortcomings, because there has been no hiding from them.