You got to have friends

The post title is also the title of Episode 12 of Designing Women Season 4, when some missed child support payments reduce Mary Jo to working at Burger Guy.

Despite the absence of Suzanne and only a brief glimpse of Charlene, the episode is well-written and funny. It should have been possible to still have funny, well-written episodes after Season 5, but I digress.

There are two things that have been causing me to think more about friendship, separate from my need for more money.

One was the death of a resident in Mom's facility.

Actually, he first stood out because he was so young to be so far advanced, but he was often sitting next to Mom when I would visit. 

Jeff died about a week after Mom was going in and out of the hospital and being admitted into hospice, so there was a lot going on. I looked for him out of habit, and he wasn't there. Then there was a different name on his door, and we found the obituary.

The staff won't really tell you things about other residents (which is reasonable), but I did mention finding the obituary to one of the staff. I said that we didn't talk much but we did some because he was often sitting next to Mom when I would come by. The worker did tell me one story. Once when Mom was crying, Jeff came over to comfort her and tell her it was going to be all right. He told her "Don't tell anyone, but you're my favorite."

I wonder if that was something he would tell his kids when they were sad.

Mom's roommate has told me how much she likes "Ju-Ju", and how sweet she is. Now, it is always possible to wonder how much any of the residents are clearly remembering, but saying how sweet Mom is... that's literally what everyone says about her, with or without dementia. 

It has also been said by the daughter and son-in-law of another resident, about whom Mom has said, with a big smile, "I like him!"

So yes, there are definitely things they don't remember and can't recognize, and yet these relationships do matter. That is touching and sweet, and also sad because they are all going to disappear. I don't know how well that will be processed, or how long or how much the gap will be felt.

The other thing was this article:

https://www.insider.com/how-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult-arranged-friendships-2023-7

The article is worth reading, but briefly, a woman who had relocated shortly after having a baby had a hard time making friends in her new area. She did many activities and met many people, but those acquaintances did not turn into friendships. Eventually -- along similar principles to arranged marriages -- she asked some women whom she thought would be good fits to be friends, and it worked out.

As she talked about this more, other woman would ask her for advice. Frequently it was not so much about meeting new friends, but changing existing friend relationships, making them more intentional.

My dearest friends mostly come from shared circumstances. Maybe we went to school together or church together, but I have gone to school and church with a lot of people that I don't cherish, even if I have nothing against them. Something clicked where we built a stronger bond.

Otherwise, often my social life has been more about my coworkers. Sometimes there are ones I really love, but then when we don't work together we often lose touch.

There have been friends that I have had for shorter times, and that was okay.

There have been friends who meant more to me than I did to them, and probably vice versa.

Often, a lot of it happens by chance, and that is probably not ideal.

As it is, I do remember suggesting to one of my friends that we make a point of talking on the phone once a month, or something like that. We liked the idea and nonetheless failed to keep it up. I don't doubt the caring, but life is busy -- sometimes in very soul-crushing ways -- and it is hard. 

I believe one factor is proximity to other people. Most of my friends have husbands or children (or both) , and I have my sisters. That means if we don't see each other for a few months, we are not bereft, but it also makes it easier to let the months go by. 

People who live alone but rely on people in bigger households may end up more isolated, especially since the pandemic started.

I don't want to lose touch with the people I love, but it takes effort. Maintaining contact may end up lower on the list of things requiring effort, given that it is only something I want to do as opposed to something I am obligated to do.

I noticed in the article that these seem to be primarily friend groups, generally of around six people. That was the exact size of my main junior high group. Do the numbers matter?

I don't have any answers here; I am just thinking about it.

It may be hampered by a recurring reluctance on my part to impose. "Hey! We should be talking more!"

However, in the course of getting together, it may not hurt to ask if they would like more. Here are our patterns; does this work for you? We can be intentional.

As for asking in general, that will come up again.