Cheer up; it may never happen!

In sorting through old things, I came upon something that I knew I needed to spend more time on.

I originally started using those big at-a-glace calendars because I liked that they could hold a lot of notes (maybe small drawings) and were easy to read. I later began liking them even more for those big empty back sides, which I would sometimes use more creatively.

I have one that I filled up with short statements.

The date on the front is July 2019. Based on what I wrote, it was definitely after October 2018 and before July 2020. I guess this was right in the middle.

When I say "filled", there are 70 statements, in groups starting with things like "I am sad...", "I am angry...", "I need..." and things like that. 

It's a good record of where I was at the time. 

I knew I wanted to capture it in my journal, but as I did that there was so much emotion and so much growth, that it is also getting at least one blog post.

The first thing that stands out is that the biggest category-- with 25 statements -- is "I am afraid":

• I am afraid that I will never get out of debt.
• I am afraid that we will go into foreclosure again.
• I am afraid that it will never get any better -- just sadness and drudgery from here on out.

A lot of them have to do with Mom, and were pretty specific:

• I am afraid that Mom will accidentally let Adele (our dog) out.
• I am afraid that Mom will take off without me knowing, maybe when I am in the shower or asleep.
• I am afraid that Mom will lock me out of the house when I go to get the mail.
• I am afraid that she will become non-verbal and be unhappy but won't be able to tell me.
• I am afraid that something will happen where I don't know what to do.

Therefore, the most wonderful thing about this is how much of it never happened.

I still think it was valuable going over it. Sometimes you need to get things out, and sometimes it is good to realize that you should never leave the house -- even just to go to the mailbox -- without taking keys.

Not everything is definitively resolved. I am not out of debt, I am not positive that I have not permanently damaged my health. While Biden did get elected I am not positive that democracy has fully recovered. (Not all of my fears were about Mom.)

I could still end up having to be a caretaker for other family members. Some of them have much worse personalities than Mom.

However, my friends are still my friends, I have been on vacations. While things were often difficult, Mom has stayed safe. 

I was always given clarity of thought on what needed to be done.

Even though the fear was real, it wasn't all I felt.

From other sections...

• I am grateful that we have made it this far.
• I trust that I will not injure Mom, or desert her, or do anything terrible.