Limbo

I mentioned the different categories on the paper last week, but I did not mention that two of them were exactly alike.

I want..

• money
• love
• rest

I need...

• money
• love
• rest

I was so tired then. 

That is still a factor in our lives, but the difference is still notable.

When I was caregiving for Mom, I had an official diagnosis of "Caregiver Burnout" (which is still on my chart). I had never thought we would put her in a facility, but then it was what she needed, and it was right, but it still had a lot of hard emotions associated with it. Once she was gone, I immediately had to start job hunting, and that was a very discouraging process. 

I don't remember ever feeling good.

Going from another time of burnout (this time from the call center) to job hunting could easily have been terrible, but there have been differences.

I didn't have the same level of emotional attachment to my job as to my mother, so that can only help. I also gave myself a cushion so there could be some time to get into the job search slowly. Then, some really cool things have been happening. 

I feel pretty good.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2024/03/in-good-place.html

There is still a tiredness relating to Mom, and the whole household has that.

Currently, she has been in hospice since July, so that has been a while.

If we count back further, to when she went into the facility, or when she no longer remembered us, or when she could no longer be left alone... there is a long trail of discouraging milestones.

For the terminology that is used in psychological reading, you can always have grief, but mourning is part of healing, and that can't begin until the loss is done. 

I swear I remember someone referring to Alzheimer's as the never-ending death once, but that's not true; at some point it will end. The more accurate expression seems to be "the long goodbye".

We miss her, but there is a time when we will miss her more, or differently, and we don't know when that will happen, so it's just always hanging there.

There are still goof things that happen, and we have been blessed in a lot of ways, but there is also this one factor that is always there, dragging along behind.

 That won't get better until it gets worse.