School board elections: Opening schools

For the elections I have been focusing on Critical Race Theory, but that is not the only thing binding candidates across multiple districts. I want to spend this week focusing on the various parts of their platforms, giving each their due.

One consistent issue in Beaverton and Hillsboro, but also huge in Sherwood and West Linn-Wilsonville, is opening up schools, right away, five full days per week.

I can't track every school district, obviously, but I am doing some research and some trends stand out. 

That includes some candidates being actively recruited but dropping out later. This includes one in West Linn-Wilsonville and three in Hillsboro.

I only know about the three in Hillsboro because a friend was canvassed in February (a month after Scott Presler was here, could still be a coincidence) and there was a slate of four candidates for Hillsboro School District at that time.

The only person remaining from that slate is Monique Ward. The others apparently dropped out and were replaced by members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

Regardless, one of the key points the canvassers were making in February -- before vaccine roll-out had increased, and when weather would have posed additional obstacles to ventilation -- was that if they could, they would have the schools open for five full days right then.

It seems more reasonable when they say it now, but I have some concerns.

First of all, I appreciate that they say they want to follow the science. I am concerned that they have a different concept of what that means than I do.

Beaverton School District candidate Saralynn Dougall has cited information from The Epoch Times, Spiked-Online, and Charlie Kirk. These are all far right, and known for not being particularly accurate. Of course, she has also referred to the anti-LGBT Oregon Family Council as a source for truth; it's not surprising. 

Also, because she has deleted everything I have posted on her page, rather than engaging with it, I have doubts about the likelihood of her listening to science that does not say what she wants to hear. I have these same doubts about the other candidates.

Let's look at some of the potential concerns about opening. 

They have mentioned activities like sports a lot. I get it; our society is built in such a way that after you graduate from high school your opportunities for playing sports, performing in plays, and going to formal dances goes way down. However...

https://www.cnn.com/2021/04/06/health/youth-sports-covid-spread-wellness/index.html

It turns out that sports are a hard thing to do safely. If you think about it, it makes sense. You run into some of the exact same issues with theater and dances. Honestly, having students eat lunches together is probably really dangerous. 

Over the past two weeks, Washington County has reported 1237 total cases. More people are getting vaccinated, but there are still enough people out there who are capable of spreading -- and enough people not taking precautions seriously -- that there is still a lot of danger, especially as the virus mutates.

I understand concerns about the students' mental health, but that is assuming that the only possible negative impact on students is not being able to see their friends and do activities. Do you think students will have any feelings if they see their teachers getting sick and dying? Do you think they might feel some guilt if they find family members or friends getting sick after returning to school?

(For myself, the clear lack of concern for teacher safety has been very disturbing.)

There had previously been the belief that young people are less likely to catch the disease, but let's not forget that one of the early casualties last April was the 5 year old daughter of two first responders:

https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/21/us/detroit-girl-dies-coronavirus/index.html

Pediatric COVID cases in the US passed the 1 million mark in November. It is wonderful that the vast majority of them have lived, but they would have been better off not getting sick.

https://www.aappublications.org/news/2020/11/16/covid19children111620 

Yes, Beaverton School District students are more likely to be facing other kinds of loss, but those losses are not necessarily helped by schools being open:

https://time.com/5953001/covid-orphans/

I want schools open safely too; I just question how much those words mean the same thing for us. 

I think there are too more links that are important.

Viral Visualizations: How Coronavirus Skeptics Use Orthodox Data Practices to Promote Unorthodox Science Online

https://arxiv.org/pdf/2101.07993.pdf

Media Has Ignored The Anti-Vax Movement's White Supremacist Roots

https://readpassage.com/media-has-ignored-the-anti-vax-movements-white-supremacist-roots/

I don't know that any of the candidates are specifically against regular vaccinations, but they certainly seem to run parallel to Coronavirus skeptics in some important ways, and there are definitely some parallels with white supremacy.

Do you want these people in any position of power over schools?

Review Retrospective: Asian and Asian-American Musicians

It is fitting that the last group of songs ended with Keala Settle. Born in Hawai'i, of Maori and British descent and now living in Seattle. Maori are Polynesian, so could fit into Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage, celebrated in May, and which I have been trying to honor. 

However, there are Pacific Islanders who question whether it makes sense to combine them. I get that. 

In many ways, there United States experience has been more similar to Native Americans under colonization and genocide rather than the experience of immigrants from China building the railroads, or Japanese Americans interned in camps during World War II, or refugees from South East Asia after the Vietnam War. 

There is still more that fits under that umbrella.

This post is titled "Asian and Asian-American" rather than "Asian-American and Pacific Islanders" because even though I had started looking for more Pacific Islander musicians to review, that was happening at a time where I was finding it harder to do reviews or blog in general, and took a break.

It turns out life is messy, too.

Also, in the reviews I did do before then, there are a lot of musicians that are not Asian-American, just Asian.  

Plus there was one who was of Asian descent but based in Sweden. Then, Woodie Alan (there' a name that didn't age well, but it was a combination of their names) was an white ex-pat joining a blues band in China and playing around there, as documented in Big In China by Alan Paul. 

There are a lot of ways things can turn out. I am not sure that I always met my goals, but I found a lot of music. I found things that I wouldn't have found otherwise, including songs that were love at first listen, and songs that resonated, and songs that still stick with me after years.

My point is that even messy attempts have value.

And also, I know it is important. 

That was strengthened when I watched an interview with Simon Tam. He talked about responding emotionally to footage of some Asian people walking in a cool gang in a film (it was O-Ren Ishii's crew from Kill Bill, but I can't find the interview now), and realizing he had never seen that. That's why he started a band.

One of the people I follow on Twitter, writer William Yu, has worked in practical ways to increase representation.

http://www.itswillyu.com/

He also tweets it daily. "Representation matters today."

It does matter. In this day, we are not past needing it, but it is also something to remember daily.

Today and every day, representation matters. I believe it and I will honor that, regardless of the size of my sphere.

Songs for this week:

“Kiss Me” by Kyosuke Himuro -- I fell in love with this song instantly. Himuro has an excellent catalog, but this is the song I absolutely need.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMyAZh_BT4s

“Ganyan Lang” by Lampano Alley -- Their other numbers tend to be faster and more upbeat, but this one has a poignancy that sticks with me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJndiL2uBwg

“Yellow” by Katherine Ho -- The only version of this song that I like. She has a beautiful voice.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6NQZHyJYO8

"Oh My My (What A Life)" by MILCK -- Weirdly, this is one of my favorites of hers, but I haven't used it for a song of the day by her yet, and she has had three. Maybe the others felt more important, but there is a lot of love and joy in this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PMbl7wzhY0

“Wankyoku” by Shing02 featuring Emi Meyer and Motoki Yamaguchi --Shing02 has a great body of work on his own, but I like how he brings in other musicians and finds new levels with them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvArYx_wHPI

“Would I Break My Heart Enough For You” by Ogikubo Station -- This song is actually newer than my original review. It seems to show that they are getting more punk; I have no objections.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqcWhe8M5yY

“From The Heart” by The Slants -- Finishing strong with this one. Again, I reacted to it musically and emotionally immediately, but there is meaning too. I am very grateful I got to see them live.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwfEgcRXJjM

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/03/why-have-special-history-months.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/07/reading-diverse-characters-and-authors.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/07/representation.html

Some people behind the campaigns

I admit that delving into these school board elections and trying to raise the alarm has me feeling a bit Cassandra-like; it is so easy to assume there wouldn't be any weird plotting behind something as wholesome as school boards. Aren't they more likely to disrupt the meeting than to sneak into power?

https://www.abc4.com/news/local-news/granite-school-district-shuts-down-board-meeting-due-to-anti-mask-protest/

https://tucson.com/news/local/photos-anti-mask-protesters-disrupt-vail-school-board-meeting/collection_5e0fbf28-a7e3-11eb-91d6-cb12fb3a1c08.html 

(Many fact-checking sites have assured us that in Arizona, the election of a new school board and overturning of the mask mandate wasn't real, so no harm done, right?)

Anyway, it still seems a little unusual for groups of candidates to run together, including funding. In the request for support that candidate Saralynn Dougall sent to the parents of her release-time Seminary students (an LDS scripture study class), she mentioned the other candidates and requested that financial contributions be directed to Jeanette Schade. I mention that, because it is Schade who has drawn scrutiny for a $1000 campaign from Free Oregon, founded by Ben Edtl, who just last month spoke at a pro-Trump rally with Proud Boy Tusitala Toese.

Edtl denies having any affiliation with the group of self-described "Western chauvinists", describing them as a biker club, but of course he still spoke at a pro-Trump rally in March, after a new president was successfully inaugurated and despite a failed insurrection. 

(The following article should really be more concise, but it covers the key points.)

https://www.kgw.com/article/news/local/beaverton-school-district-board-elections-jeanette-schade/283-f520280e-d22d-4563-ab71-1f3ae7c15dcb

Regardless, Edtl gave a good-sized chunk of change to a slate of candidates who are most concerned about Critical Race Theory, which -- despite their constant misrepresentation -- is geared at getting to the root of systemic racism and ensuring equality for all people, including students.

That doesn't seem like a coincidence. 

It is also important to note that the way these candidates are positioning themselves seems designed to appeal to those who are not whole-heartedly progressive but perhaps appalled and dismayed by Trump. 

These candidates seem to be more on the side of loving Trump, so if that is a problem for you, you should figure that out before you vote.

That was a point I made Monday when talking about Scott Presler, a man currently touring the country training conservatives on how to win local elections. 

I have not been able to confirm that he has himself done any training in Oregon this time around. His Facebook indicates that he was here in January, but I can only find news stories about his attempts to organize an anti-Muslim march last June.

https://www.oregonlive.com/portland/2017/05/organizers_cite_mayors_opposit.html

(There is going to need to be a post about how the media has failed us, and why.) 

However, I wanted to leave you with an idea of the mindset of these very pro-Trump people who are taking such an interest in school board elections:

https://twitter.com/ScottPresler/status/1387418840783593475

The tweet says...

If you want to oppose the democrats’ culture war:

-Make babies
-Homeschool
-Buy property
-Grow a garden
-Start a business
-Run for local office
-Take over school boards
-Boycott “Made in China”
-Support alternative news/print/social media

My first thought at the time was that hippie Democrats love our gardens; why do you think we want to stop you from that? We'll help you! Let's trade plant samples!

Also, both homeschooling and taking over school boards seems like a mixed message. It's greedy, if nothing else.

But I think maybe the more important point is this idea that Democrats are waging a culture war. To think that, I would have to guess that you are existing in kind of an echo chamber, where you don't know the first true thing about Democrats. That apparently turns the world into a very scary place, and is unfortunate. 

However, if your whole identity depends on maintaining white supremacy and sexism, then yes, a lot of things Democrats say and our very existence could feel very threatening.

And if you don't really want that, and you know wanting that would be wrong, but you don't really like having to think about it either, Democrats could be pretty frustrating then too, but you have to know that the attempts to ignore uphold white supremacy and all other bigotries just as surely as do the other options.

This is a moral choice.

Think about the company you keep. 

ETA: The request to direct funds to Jeanette Schade was on Saralynn Dougall's Facebook page, not in the letter sent to parents. I apologize for the error.

A more direct approach

I will continue blogging, and I am glad to start seeing more conversation about the conservative push to take over school boards.

However, I don't feel that I am being very effective. 

I mean, I can hope that people will see it, but part of what is coming up for me is that I keep being advised which of my friends like these candidates' pages and comments.

Certainly, the comments and questions I submit just keep being deleted.

So today I am going to focus on writing directly to my personal associates about their votes.

My friend count may go down, but I need to follow my conscience.

But yes, do expect more on the problems with the individual planks on the platform and the organization behind it.

Today is for the individual touch.

Critical Race Theory: What is it, and why do they hate it?

First of all, let me tell you that Critical Race Theory is a weird obsession for school board candidates.

The anti-Critical Race Theory candidates have been abbreviating it to CRT. I saw another candidate asked about CRT; she asked if they meant "culturally relevant teaching". That would be a much more normal conversation for schools. I am glad that it was the first thing that came to mind for her.

Just to get it out of the way, "culturally relevant teaching" -- which may also be called "culturally congruent", culturally responsive", "culturally compatible", or "culturally acceptable" teaching -- is about understanding the cultural background of all of the students so that they can be included in the lesson and taught effectively. Most of what I have seen on it was specifically relevant to teaching indigenous youth in Canada (that was in a book on linguistics).

Since Culturally Relevant Teaching is still about understanding differences and trying to help all students, those who are against Critical Race Theory would probably not be big fans of Culturally Relevant Teaching. Regardless, someone studying education would be far more likely to come across the latter. 

Critical Race Theory is more likely to come up in law school. It is a study of how the law intersects with issues of race. 

One area for criticism is mainstream liberal approaches to racial justice. Of course, in this case "liberal" refers to the traditional meaning of based on Enlightenment values of inalienable individual rights. Many traditional Enlightenment thinkers were quite racist -- not all all surprising for the time period -- but it leaves merely going by their values to be inadequate as a way of achieving equal representation before the law.

(If it were merely about criticizing liberals, this slate of candidates would be all about Critical Race Theory.)

Critical Race Theory has origins in the 70s, coming shortly after the Civil Rights Movement of the '60s.

With the legislation that was passed, including the Voting Rights Act and the Fair Housing Act and the Civil Rights Act, you could look at the law not being enough, or you could look at how many people immediately started fighting against the new laws and trying to reverse them (which may explain why they weren't enough). Regardless, it led to a new field of study, and part of that is examining the roots of our country's racism.

Some of the most prominent names at the start of Critical Race Theory are Derrick Bell, former dean of the University of Oregon Law School; Richard Delgado, expert on hate speech who coauthored many things with his wife, Jean Stefancic; Mari Matsuda, the first tenured Asian-American professor in the United States; and Patricia Williams and Charles Lawrence.

Another name that frequently comes up is Kimberlé Crenshaw, known for her work on intersectionality. One of her inspirations was the case DeGraffenreid v. General Motors, where there were jobs that white women could get, and jobs that Black men could get, and yet the discrimination against Black women was not recognized.

So, Critical Race Theory is very much a legal discipline, and not something that will be taught in your local school district. However, because it is also a way of looking deeper at the influence of racism, and how it works systemically, having people who care about it makes it harder to approve text books that consider chattel slavery just another form of immigration, and really not that bad.

Do we still have to pretend that slavery was not that bad? Do we have to accept that genocide against Native Americans was fine because of Manifest Destiny?

Because the one candidate keeps saying that Critical Race Theory gives white kids bad self-esteem, and in another district, one candidate is against Critical Race Theory because it goes against Dr. King's dream of judging people by the content of their character instead of the color of their skin.

Dr. King would know you were a clown, sir. He would probably say it more nicely. Maybe.

In this time of increased violence against Asian-Americans and continuing police brutality, especially against African Americans and increasingly caught on tape, I do not want anyone who is against understanding the dark currents in our society and working to fix them making any decisions about what goes on in schools. I don't even want them choosing the lunch menu.

When white people began to learn about their privilege, there frequently is discomfort. It only becomes a part of your self-image when you decide that you are fine with it.

None of us should be fine with that.

But there are people who love the racism, and there are people who are comfortable enough with it as long as they don't have to think about it. Those are the only people who have any reason to be against Critical Race Theory. 

They may misrepresent that, and they may get very offended when you say that, but whether they are not willing to do the work to understand their platform, or whether they are blithely choosing racism, keep them off of the school boards.

This is for everyone.

2021 School Board Elections: Quick Rundown

Not that long ago, we discovered that someone we knew through church was running for the local school board. Based on what we knew of her, that seemed odd, but it was much worse than odd.

There were other things that we learned in quick succession.

• She was running in association with two other people. All of them shared a platform with a specific, harmful focus. I will get into that later.
• There was a similar group running together with the same platform in the neighboring school district. That was kind of a weird coincidence.
• There is a Trump booster traveling the country trying to help people get elected to local office.

So, not a coincidence. 

In the interest of complete accuracy, I do not know that this particular person has had contact with these particular candidates, but it turns out that there is at least one similar candidate in a North Portland district, and apparently some in Salem. There is organization going on.

There is a lot to unravel here, and some of it can be confusing. One of my big concerns is that I will put out all of this information, a reader will agree with me, but then get confused about which candidates. 

I am going to try and use as much clarity as possible, with specifics, and there are going to be multiple posts about this topic.

For today, I am going to work backward on the three bullet points, filling in blanks.

The Trump booster working on taking over school boards is named Scott Presler. He often uses the hash tag #ThePersistence, which I am sure was chosen for how it sounds compared to "resistance".

It seems to me that this movement is trying to fill a role under Biden's presidency that the Tea Party filled under Obama's presidency; not the party, but not opposite.

They will gladly attack other Republicans for not being "good" enough; Presler tweeted about plans to visit Wyoming to unseat Liz Cheney. This is based on her not conceding that the election was still stolen, making Biden lawfully the president. 

This is interesting, because that puts Presler himself firmly in Trump's camp, but there is a lot about his materials that seems to be an attempt to distance from Trumpism. 

Presler is gay, with long hair (I saw a reference to it being "Fabio-like", but it's not). The pictures he highlights have him with people of color, especially Black people. There are multiple pictures of the same girl.

That would seem like an attempt to be conciliatory with lifelong conservatives who felt like the rampant bigotry of the last few years was too much, but if they won't distance from Trump, they can't be that far from the bigotry.

Therefore, it is not too shocking that one of the key campaign points is a complete intolerance of Critical Race Theory, which they believe is unpatriotic and gives white kids bad self-esteem.

Now, CRT is a poorly understood concept -- especially among those who have leaned conservative -- so tomorrow's post is going to be about that. However, being against it was a key Trump issue, as was not making any real efforts to fight the Coronavirus. Another key plank in the platforms is that schools must be open all the time.

There is a lot to go over with the platform, and that will be other posts. Those are the two things to look for though. If you are wondering about a candidate, and if they are affiliated with this movement, ask how they feel about Critical Race Theory. Ask about if they support virtual school as we enter a 4th wave.

Many of the candidates are people of color. You might expect them to be against racism, especially in this time of increasing violence (largely Trump-inspired) against Asian-Americans and continuing violence by law enforcement against Black people. They are people you know, and probably think of as nice. 

They will make our schools worse, especially for students of color, and gay kids and trans kids.

It is good that there are some pretty easy guidelines, because I do not doubt that this is going on in hundreds of elections. I only know the candidates in two.

So for Hillsboro School District, these are the candidates that will be working hard to increase racism and decrease scientific response to disease. The have their own web site, and seem more organized than the Beaverton group. They apparently had more turnover coming up with their candidates, but they have one for each open position. 

They are not on my ballot, but I would not vote for a single one of them:

https://communitiesforsensibleschools.org/our-candidates/

On to Beaverton School District. 

The first candidate I become aware of was Saraly Dougall: https://www.facebook.com/SaralynDougallbsdz4 

Although they do not have one unified page, posts reiterate that she is running with Jeanette Schade, https://www.facebook.com/JeanetteSchade4BeavertonSchools/ , and Fuhua Xu, https://www.facebook.com/Fuhua-Xu-4-Beaverton-School-Board-Zone-2-101950785342857. 

I am sure they can all be perfectly pleasant in personal conversations, but their policies are destructive, and also super self-righteous.

A lot of people don't pay much attention to local elections. A lot of people will see a name from church and assume that is a good choice, they have a shot. And also, a lot of people are comfortable with racism as long as certain parts are said quietly. 

My great aggravation and fear is that fellow Mormons are going to lead these racist candidates to a sweeping victory. If you need to teach your children white supremacy; stick to home schooling. (And if that's not why you home school, great, but don't miss the point here.)

(And if you think calling them "racist" is an insult or attack on their character, rather than a reflection of systemic, structural issues and how people relate to them, that is why we need Critical Race Theory!)

So please, voters in the Beaverton School District, vote for Susan Greenberg, Karen Pėrez-Da Silva, and Sunita Garg.

https://www.susanforbeavertonschools.com/
https://karenperezdasilva.com/
https://www.sunitaforbeavertonschools.com

"Funny" story about the fourth seat: the racist group does not have a candidate for Zone 5, but Saralynn recently endorsed incumbent LeeAnn Larsen, because they think she will be more likely to work with them.

LeeAnn Larsen -- about whom I do not know a single bad thing, and I am sure is fine -- is a white woman with blonde hair. Her opponent, Ugonna Enyinnaya, is Black. I wonder what reasoning they used; probably just a coincidence.

Sigh.

The election deadline is May 18th. We received ballots Saturday and the voter's pamphlet a bit before that.

This is important, and I don't think it's getting a lot of publicity. Think about it, share, and please don't move our schools backward.

Related posts:
https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2021/05/fighting-white-supremacy-local-elections.html

Review retrospective: Bands 401 - 500, 2017

2017 was a year of finding musicians, yes, but also songs that I loved. 

It was not completely confined to that year. I had "Local Roses" by Dear Boy be the last song of the 2016's week, because I associate it strongly with four other songs, all of which were encountered in 2017.

(I reviewed Dear Boy the last week of October 2016, so it wasn't that far from them.)

Of course, "Local Roses" did not play right before one of its associated 2017 songs, because then I did a post and week focusing on punk rock. It made sense to put that week there.

I also am not putting three of the other four songs in this next week, because it turns out that I do have enough songs I want to share from Asian American artists, and two of them will go there, and one came from the Emo listening and will belong with that post.

Also, I forgot that the event that tied those five songs together happened in 2018, and two additional songs had been added to the conversation (which will definitely come up). When the conversation was only two weeks old I remembered; but until finding the old post I had forgotten about the other two songs. They still mean a lot to me; they just aren't part of the group.

One night Colleen mentioned not having fallen in love with a song for a while and asked for suggestions. I had to mention seven. Really had to. Desperately.

At the time, I thought of it as just loving these songs so much, but also it being a good question. It was more interesting, in a way, than asking for band recommendations. Being able to recommend bands for people was one of the nice realizations that came with doing reviews, right around the time I had reviewed 300. This was something different.

Looking back, I suppose it was also a sign of becoming more isolated as I was focusing on caring for Mom. There were fewer conversations where I was likely to get a chance to tell people how I had just found this great song, and they should listen!

At this point, I am just happy and amazed to have found so many songs that I can listen to over and over again, still feeling them, still loving them.

Sadly, I must admit that after having listened to all of Anti-Flag, I don't like "Brandenburg Gate" as much. I don't dislike it, but I was so sure I was going to love everything about them. Instead, I just think they are okay.

They will still be represented in the Emo listening post. (I know they are not Emo, but about half of those bands won't be.)

But in a way it is good separating out the songs, because that means more other bands from 2017 get play.

So while in my heart Dear Boy's "Local Roses" will always be associated with Kyosuke Himuro's "Kiss Me", the Slants' "From The Heart", Marshall Crenshaw's "Whenever You're On My Mind", and Anti-Flag's "Brandenburg Gate", they shall be scattered throughout the many weeks of this retrospective.

Only Marshall Crenshaw shall play this week, but he will go first.

Otherwise, concerts were Trombone Shorty and Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Rose Garden; Lily Pryor, Chris Margolin, Matt Pryor, and Dan Andriano in The Emergency Room at Doug Fir Lounge; Tesla, Poison, and Def Leppard at Rose Garden; Angélique Kidjo at the Schnitz; and I went with my brother to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra in Seattle. 

The heartbreak was that Marshall Crenshaw did come to Portland, but I couldn't go.

Songs for the week:

"Whenever You're On My Mind" by Marshall Crenshaw -- This song is from 1983, and I like "Some Day, Some Way", but it just makes no sense that I needed to wait 34 years to find it. There was an official video, but I have only seen poor quality copies, so I am going with the remastered audio version.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsvWl0Q96vw

"You And Me" by A New Nowhere -- I don't think this is even my favorite song of theirs, which is probably "Scream", but this video is so fun and weird. Them making it is more impressive because they didn't have a lot of material, and their review combined them with two other bands.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3BSroncsqY

“At Sunset” by Seasonal -- Seasonal haunts me because I like them while reviewing, but I did not figure out until after posting and they confirmed with me that the other album by a band called Seasonal was not them. I have been keeping them on the review list to make it up to them. Fortunately, they finally say new music is on the way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMnxz9oOONM

“Streetlight Street Life” by Moovalya -- Just kind of deliciously punk.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbBJXcRZN8k

“Julia” by NewLondon Fire -- This is the only song I have ever recommended to a stranger on an airplane. I think part of that is that usually I travel with my sisters, so maybe if I sat next to strangers more often it would happen more, but the song still deserves recommendation. Weirdly, I was going to put it in with 2015, but Spotify says it came out in 2017. My review was in 2015. Still going to use it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxmUKU7C-Sg

“Stay” by NoDevotion -- I found this one pretty haunting, and I was glad to find that the reconstituted band was great. I hope that meant a lot to the previous band's fans.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5S1O3D8Q7_A

“This Is Me” sung by Keala Settle, from The Greatest Showman -- Not from a review, but I have done at least four songs of the day from this movie. I might do some more, but this is the best musically and emotionally.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjxugyZCfuw

 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2018/05/beloved-songs.html

 

Play day

 

Caring for my family, and myself

One thing that changed during the 2008 to 2010 period of unemployment was that I started cooking. 

I had gradually taken over holiday meals after I got back from my mission (I had learned something about cooking turkey, and I wanted to try it). I also cooked about once a month for potlucks, but I had never taken on the daily grind of it. 

Since I was home and everyone else was working, it only seemed right to take over. Mom had lost her enjoyment of cooking a long time ago (picky kids didn't help, but the critical husband was worse). That became a thing, where even on the days where I was working, I would plan something that could fit into the time constraints. 

I kept that up when I started the new job, and when I started telecommuting it was even easier. I was working, but also able to help supervise Mom, who was still pretty functional at first.

Being laid off and deciding to focus on caring for Mom felt abrupt, but really this transition had been happening for several years. I was switching over to caring for her more, and her needing it more.

Previously so much of caring for my family had been about the money that I made and what it could buy; when the money stopped, the caring didn't.

Care giving is my nature. That is something that I have learned over this time period.

As much as money helps -- I cannot stress how much of a difference it makes -- it is not the only factor in the care you give.

Accepting my overinflated sense of responsibility was not easy. Recognizing it took taking in another relative and trying to accommodate him. It also took getting into shouting matches to affirm the value of what I was doing. 

It was good that it became a choice, and a calling, rather than a way of compensating for all that I perceived to be wrong for me, but that change was inward.

During my time caring for my mother, I could never doubt that doing so was the most needful thing. 

That we have survived it -- against all logic -- was a huge faith builder. 

There is one thing lacking yet; I have never been good at caring for myself.

Just taking that time and making that effort... it is much easier to do it for other people. 

I have a bad tendency to give myself a lot of assignments anyway. Adding things to do just makes me feel tired; them being for my benefit has never been a big enough motivator in the past. 

However, it is clearly something that I need to do.

So I am going to be working on that for a while.

I do have other things to write about, as well as what I learn from this next phase. Right now I need to go in hard on the School Board Elections, deadline May 18th. This is not a switch to fully political yet, but maybe it will be the case of another gradual transition.

However, there is one thing that I appear to have figured out last night. 

I think one reason I drive myself is this idea that I will be able to stop and rest after I finish these projects or reading lists or tasks, even when I have seen a fairly well defined set expand in process over and over again.

Even seeing the value in the journey -- which I have and do -- I still want that completion and destination and finality.

It appears that I have to accept that as a myth.

This means that pushing to get done doesn't even make sense.

Tomorrow I am taking the day off, even though I without a regular job or caring for Mom, it might be hard to define what I am taking the day off from.

I am taking a day off from being me, I guess.

I am still bringing a book.

Work and identity

There was probably another thing that helped with my 2008 job loss. Before it happened, I had been to visit my Italian family twice. 

Previously I had only met the aunt who had come to visit us, but there were other aunts and uncles and cousins. You can hear things about people, but it is not the same as knowing them.

I had studied some Italian, but not a lot, and not recently. I wanted to be able to talk, so I memorized two questions: asking about their work, and for couples, asking how they met.

Given how many of them worked together, it should be surprising that they were all so uninterested in their jobs. In another way, it does make sense.

The job market in Italy -- even before the crash -- was tough. Getting jobs tended to involve knowing someone. (This also has a lot to do with why so many of the spouses worked at the same company.)

It's not that there wasn't pride of work or a commitment to doing a good job, especially with my family; our legacy is being good workers. But a lot of where you end up is luck, and because it is done through government programs, retirement and health care tend to be okay regardless. (This is especially miraculous given how often the government changes, but some of the systems function very well.)

The point is, people don't define themselves by their jobs. Their job is something they do, but their life is their family and their friends and their hobbies.

I do have one cousin who has beaten a different path, carving out an interesting career for himself. His siblings are really worried about it ruining his retirement. I don't think they need to worry, but I get why they do.

That is not a perfect system, but there are things that are very healthy about it.

It may have made a greater impression on me, because after getting back I was talking about it with one of the cafeteria workers. We had a flirtation going on, kind of, and even though we were both merely contractors, there could be ways in which I would be considered to outrank him because of the kind of work that we each did. That could be true even though I had run a cash register in previous jobs, and even though he had been doing something else before and would change to something else shortly after that. 

Without getting specifically into that, we talked about how much better that was, whereas here when you meet someone it is the first question, and the one given the most weight.

The thing that I would have said was better about the States then was that it was easier to start over. If you wanted to go back to college and change careers at 45, you could do it. 

But that was before the crash. The cost of tuition was rising, and the cost of living was going up, but we had not come quite so far in devaluing everyone. 

So back on the job market again, when everything was so much tighter, I felt devalued. Again, by the time I was working again, it was at a significant pay cut. In terms of work, I was very literally valued less.

If there was a part of me that understood that my value was not exclusively how much I earned, there was also still a part that was used to having more and being able to do more for my family and friends and random charities, and I felt that.

I felt that need to do things that I couldn't do, and there were limits to how much it got me down then, but it had a lingering effect all of the years of having that job, and then into what happened next, where depression did happen again.

Joblessness

I considered myself unemployed from October 2008 to August 2010.

I worked a fair amount during that time with different temporary jobs, but they varied in reliability and pay so nothing felt very stable. Not a single one of the jobs was expected to last.

It was very hard emotionally, but I didn't go into an actual depression again. Looking back, I think that was because I was still working a lot, and because my church was being very supportive. It did strike at my identity in a way similar to the 2003 depression.

I had always been a pretty cheerful person, facing things that brought me down, but bouncing back pretty quickly. To have such a long unmitigated gloom made me feel that I was not even myself anymore; who was I without my cheerfulness?

Prior to 2008, I had always been able to get the job I wanted: I had something in mind, I applied, and I got it.

There were little blips. I remember some panic in 1990 when the job I was sure was going to hire me delayed calling but still did call. When a different job ended in 1996, I decided to take a few days to paint the bathroom, and I answered a phone call offering me work while I was painting. 

In general, I had always been able to do work I was interested in and make enough money to meet my needs.

Well, maybe it was more about meeting other people's wants than my needs. I also tended to be pretty generous, and especially to make sure that my family had nice things.

2008 really messed with that.

2010 did not fix it, because I had lost ground financially and I never made it back up. 

I had sort of noticed that the cost of living was going up before I was unemployed, but it happened gradually and it wasn't too big of a concern. 

Once I was unemployed, that was a lot more noticeable. Once I was employed again, but at only about 80% of what I was making, and with some debt exacerbated over the past two years, well, the increased cost of living was much more in my face.

I felt it for myself, but also, relatives who were used to me paying for more things and not charging rent had a really hard time adjusting to it. There were some stormy battles, and they only get worse six years later when I found myself unemployed again.

I remember that I had been working so hard to catch up. It wasn't just money but also time, where I let myself get behind on medical appointments and things that were taking care of me.

I had just successfully made it to the regular doctor, eye doctor, and dentist, and had an appointment with my hairdresser that I hadn't been to yet when I got the news.

That next round of unemployment was associated with some depression. It was more complicated than that, but isn't it always?

And it required some fundamental rethinking.

Review retrospective: Punk rocks!

I had realized at one point that -- while reviewing new bands -- I should also revisit my punk roots. It was only proper that there be a Ramones review, and one for The Clash. I did that in January 2017.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/01/band-review-ramones.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/01/band-review-clash.html

There is a big part of my punk rock journey that happened before I reviewed bands or even blogged. Another large part of it lies in the future, so this post is going to be a little different.

Part of that means that I am going to integrate the songs for the week into the body of the text, rather than a section at the end. 

Separately, I have also realized that something that has been missing during the retrospective is links for the songs, in case people who read the blog and are interested are not seeing the daily song posts. This will be the first post to include links, but I will go back and retroactively add them to previous posts.

First of all, those first two bands (who still hold a dear place in my heart), their significance to punk history kind of matches their significance to me. I can tell you which songs turned the switch from thinking "Yeah, this is a punk band but they have some crossover songs that I like" to "Wait! I think I love this band!" 

Therefore, those must be the first two songs.

“I Wanna Be Sedated” by Ramones
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bm51ihfi1p4

“Train In Vain” by The Clash
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUzBgeI5dpc

I knew their songs that got MTV play or pop radio play, but those two songs had moments where I knew I needed to listen more. 

There was so much more, and I found that I adored them.

I didn't really think of myself as a punk rocker though. I mean, I didn't see any safety pins or orange mohawks; maybe they weren't that punk (I know). It didn't mean that I had to like Sex Pistols.

However, when I saw a video for "Fall Back Down" by Rancid and liked it, they were definitely punk. I borrowed their CD from my sister, and I liked it a lot. Okay, fine, Gina is a punk rocker. But "Fall Back Down" was just the introduction; I surrendered on "Ruby Soho".

“Ruby Soho” by Rancid
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P9QMkm9Eew

Ultimately, accepting my punk nature was freeing, and led me to consider other bands more seriously. That may have been a key step to becoming someone who reviewed bands, though many of the more punk adjacent ones will be showing up when I get to Emo.

This next song isn't actually anyone punk, but he is sometimes called proto-punk, and punk owes him a debt. And also, I totally got to see him live.

“Cry For Love” by Iggy Pop
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wI9vzh7CZIw

This is not his most punk song, but it was one that I had no idea existed until I specifically reviewed him, so that was a nice find. 

He does not roll around barely dressed in broken glass, which he also did not do at the concert I saw. However, look at the way he dances about in urban waste and desolation... Iggy Pop is still himself.

When I had the post on Native American artists, I mentioned concerns that I have not found as many Asian American and Pacific Islander and LatinX artists yet. However, things happen. For one thing, I think I do have enough AAPI artists for their own post and week. 

For LatinX artists, a good starting point was The First Rule of Punk by Celia C. Pérez. Many musicians come up in the text and in an after section. They are not all punk, but there are some good suggestions. 

I have only reviewed The Zeros so far, but I will get to Alice Bag, and I know enough to give her a song this time anyway.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2019/09/band-review-zeros.html

“Beat Your Heart Out” by The Zeros
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojXhH0AP5x4

“Gate Crasher” by Alice Bag
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRtYJOuw-0w

I have also recently learned of the existence of Bam Bam, featuring Tina Bell. I thought about including a song of theirs, but that is a little more grungy. I will get there.

It is nonetheless a reminder that there is more, and that as you start looking you will find it. That is why I look forward to where the following two articles are going to take me:

https://www.okayafrica.com/black-punk-bands-need-listen-to/

https://medium.com/@AestheticDistance/meet-the-asian-americans-of-a-new-inclusive-punk-scene-at-break-free-fest-8cd5cc65e1c0

But I should still include a song from a punk band that I reviewed. It came down to a choice between Direct Hit! or Pears:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/07/band-review-direct-hit.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/10/band-review-pears.html 

The most interesting thing about that to me is that they both came from recommendations by other musicians. (Mike Kennerty for Direct Hit! and Dave Hause for Pears.) Most of my punk reviews do not come from new bands following me, but in other ways.

Why don't punk bands follow me? Is it me?

Possibly. Even after choosing Direct Hit!, the song I should have really chosen was "Paid In Brains", but I hate that video. Maybe I am not punk enough. Maybe that is why I still don't like Sex Pistols.

Alas; I can only be me.

“Was It The Acid?” by Direct Hit!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XO5SsmIBUo0

Upon finishing viewing of another season of Queen Sugar

The Season 5 finale of Queen Sugar aired Tuesday, and I am all caught up now.

I know there have been production challenges specific to COVID-19, but I am glad they found a way around them. I am grateful that they found a way to reflect the hellscape of a year that was 2020.

The first eight episodes of the ten-episode season were all titled after dates, starting with late February 2020. I had almost forgotten what "before" felt like. It all came back as characters started seeing and hearing news: that growing sense of dread.

Then they started talking about the vulnerability of the elderly. Fear for Mister Prosper clenched my heart. No, that's why we met Hollywood's mother, dammit. But then, the risk of contraction was not the only risk for the elderly. Prosper had to deal with loneliness, and repetitive watching of the news, and feelings of uselessness and helplessness.

Thank Heaven there are people who love him.

I have seen some of that. We try and keep tabs on people, but this has all been a lot.

There has been relief in watching something so emotionally true and looking at it with fresh eyes.

It has been helpful that there are still so many scenes of joy.

I have been especially impressed with the cycles that characters have gone through. That is in reference to their relationships, but not exclusively. 

Darla and Ralph Angel have been torn apart painfully, and reunited, twice. Between those reunions there was growth. Now they are growing together, getting better all the time.

I have complained about other shows rushing breakups and makeups, resulting in none of it really mattering. I am amazed at how much Queen Sugar covers in such short seasons. 

It is not impossible to believe that Davis can be better now, and that it could make sense for Charley to consider trusting him, even though he blew up her life so thoroughly before. After all, she had to work through that with Nova too.

In thinking about this post, I reviewed other times when I have written about the show. Not every single mention is down below, but there are a few. What struck me most was noting Nova's tendency to skip asking for permission, probably to avoid hearing "No". When I wrote that it was just about Too Sweet's bail; that was nothing compared to her book!

The book was intended for healing, and healing did happen. Could everyone have healed in a better way that respected boundaries? That sure seems likely, but the most overwhelming feeling is gratitude that the healing did come anyway, and that the ruptures that have happened have been healed.

Therefore, as we faced one final bomb dropping in this last episode of the most recent season (Is that 5 for 5 now? I think that's 5 for 5.), I find it completely possible to believe that there is a path forward. 

Even thinking that on the penultimate episode -- that there had to be a way forward for Nova and Calvin, and how that might look -- I did not picture it going in that direction. I thought there might be a step, but if we are looking at that level of reconciliation, that is going to cover a whole season, and there can only be a hint.

But that particular hint?

And yet there is still hope.

And that, of course, is the point. The characters of Queen Sugar are fictional, but they are gloriously human: flawed and beautiful, capable of good and evil, deserving of growth and love, sometimes finding grace, but having to work for it all the same.

 So as humans, that all applies to us too. There are prices to pay, but there are wonderful possibilities. 

And as much as we need to make it through this, just clenching and gritting until it is over will never get it over with. 

Make room for other people, and love, and beauty, and whether you have a chance to create joy or just grab on to some that is already there, take it.

For all of the things that may not be possible, love and healing still are.

Previous posts: 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/08/the-men-and-future-men-of-queen-sugar.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/08/a-death-in-family-via-queen-sugar.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/08/queen-sugar-nova-and-charley.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/12/queen-sugar-making-amends.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2019/06/juneteenth-black-music-month-and-queen.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2020/08/director-spotlight-ava-duvernay.html

About Jeopardy!

The other night on Jeopardy! a contestant (who won), got his chance to say "Make it a true daily double Alex." 

He said it to Anderson Cooper, but Anderson understood, and I did too.

Back when I was writing about my appearance, I think I mentioned it, but in the practice games I hit the daily double three times. Each time I said "Make it a true daily double", because there were no stakes.

That wasn't to Alex either, but I did finish one of those practice games with $60000. That would have been something.

I just got a notice of the last few guest hosts to round out this year, so I have been thinking about that.

I have not blogged about this a lot (except a little about Ken Jennings on the Sunday blog), but there have been a lot of opinions about the various guest hosts. I have had some individual exchanges, and the main thing I have said -- which has not satisfied anyone when their point was whom they wanted or did not want to see -- is that I did not anticipate a permanent replacement being announced until after the regular season end.

That is still the most important thing to me. My strongest sense of how things would feel for the crew there is the profound sense of loss and grief; they loved him so much. I mean, I still can't write about it without crying. So, without anyone saying it, but observing what they have done and extrapolating from that, I believe there is a strong sense that this, the 37th season, belongs to Alex. Even if someone must come after him, it won't be until after his last season is done.

When you have that limbo, it can be awkward, but it can also be a chance to celebrate friendships, by bringing in people who were friends with Alex and friends of the show.

So I get that if it is someone whom you don't like, there can be that reaction. Dr. Oz? Mayim Bialik? Ew! But so far no one has done a terrible job. Some have been surprising. I don't remember when Aaron Rodgers won Jeopardy!, but he was delightful, if possibly a bit too quiet. Cooper has a good voice for it, but the banter is lacking. Hosting is hard; but you don't know that when you are watching the good hosts because part of what makes them good is how easy they make it look.

My favorite has been executive producer Mike Richards, who did very well, but I don't know that he would want the job; maybe he prefers executive producing.

I am glad that LeVar Burton is getting a turn, because I know a lot of people want to see him hosting. In terms of the regular gig, I had wondered if they would want someone younger than Burton -- someone who could reasonably go another 35 years -- but then, you don't know. There's no guarantee about how long you will have with a 28 year old; this past year or so has taught us some things the hard way.

I would be curious to know if they reached out to the people Alex mentioned specifically: Alex Faust, Ben Mankiewicz, and Laura Coates. Those are also all people who have jobs. Did that also maybe become an idea of what qualities to look for?

For whatever decisions the show makes, I imagine they will be thinking about not only how well that person can do the job, and how much the audience will like them, but also how much they will like working with that person; would they want 35 years? Not as a replacement, but as someone they could respect and admire and love again. 

They do make a product that we consume, but they are people too, and they are a tight unit. I know.

I'll trust them to make their decision and announce it when they are ready. Now my prediction is out there too.

And, just to get it out of my system, I am going to be snarky about two hosts:

I believe most of the guest hosts were approached by the show, but my "ew" was Buzzy Cohen, and I would not be surprised if he were hanging around the studio pestering them: "I get a turn right?" "When do you want me?" "Remember, Alex and I talked about it."

Also, my objections to Ken Jennings are his mean streak and comfort with casual racism, but I also thought he would do a better job. He lacked the gravitas. It felt like he was a kid dressed up in a suit, and nervous someone was going to notice.

However, there was never a reason to think that being a good contestant would make you a good host. From a job experience perspective, Bob Harris would probably be the most natural fit, though I am a Brad Rutter fan.

Related posts:

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2021/01/the-company-you-keep.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2011/12/and-alex.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2011/12/best-set-in-hollywood.html

Travel bug

At this point, I am not blogging ahead, and I don't know what the next few posts will be.

Today I am taking a moment to post about one of the things I mentioned yesterday, with starting to travel.

I was a child in a family of seven, and we were not rich. Vacations when I was young meant piling in the car and driving North to Canada or South to California; if I-5 could go there, so could we. (East and West was for day trips.)

I liked that, but I always dreamed of other places too. One of my fantasies when I still thought I would be getting scholarships for college was that I would work for the summer then skip fall term to explore Europe via a railway pass and youth hostels. 

I did skip fall term, but that was just more working at Burlington Coat Factory, trying to save enough money for college.

Given that, convincing my mother and sisters that we needed to go to Disneyland for spring break when I was almost done with college is kind of amazing, but there was also a logic to it. 

Three of those childhood trips in the car did make it to Anaheim. There were some poor financial choices in there, where the ways in which my father funded those trips were not completely sound, but Disneyland was also a magical place. 

After my father left, we needed some magic, and I don't know that we could have managed something completely unfamiliar. There are no regrets about going. 

That started a tradition of my sisters and I going to Disneyland together, with Mom (who was not as into it) taking care of the pets. That was great, but there were all of these other places I wanted to go too. Getting there ended up requiring friends, at least at first.

Maybe it took a little while to feel like I had a grown-up income, and could do grown-up things. It took about four years after graduating college until I was determined to go somewhere! I was debating between Las Vegas, Philadelphia, Washington DC, or New York City. 

I told that to a friend from church. She told me, "I just sat through this sales pitch and have free airfare and hotel for Las Vegas." 

Well that was fortuitous.

So we went and we did almost everything that two non-partying people could do. Well, I did some things she didn't do, like the Shark Reef Aquarium at Mandalay Bay and the New York, New York roller coaster. We did not see the Fremont Street thing, but we did do the Star Trek thing, which does not even exist anymore. Also, we never ate $5 prime rib, even though we could see a sign for it out of our hotel window.

It was a good experience, and cheaper than I had any right to expect. (We did upgrade to some extra nights at the hotel, and there were meals and entertainment, but it was still very reasonable.)

In retrospect, I am glad that Tammy didn't want to do everything I wanted to do. Going out into a strange (but easily navigable) city was probably good for me.

A year later there was a terribly busy work season. I remember seeing an ad for Mexico, and fantasizing about getting away. I still didn't go anywhere new until another friend, Tara, called me and asked me to go with her to visit a mutual friend who had relocated to Washington DC. 

That was one of my other cities!

And I overdid the walking, and got sick on my last day, which was not ideal, but I still had a great time. I asked her to cruise to Mexico with me, and I got to go through that underground river in Xcaret. 

After that it became easier to be okay with travel, and going somewhere new and not worrying.

Before we went to Vegas, Tammy had this guidebook, and I pored over it, trying to plan the exact best itinerary, something that is actually a bit illusory, at least for the "exact best" part. 

I have nonetheless planned some pretty good trips for Hawaii, Mexico, Chicago, Philadelphia, Chicago, Toronto, Australia and New Zealand, and even Dublin -- a city I have never visited -- for other people.

I have done most of those with my sisters, but I can travel with other people, and I did Toronto completely alone. I have navigated an elderly woman with a failing memory and bad knees through some terrible airports.

Those are some good memories, but there is also a confidence in knowing some of the things I can handle, and help other people feel good about.

My first time on an airplane was when I was heading to the Missionary Training Center at 21 years old. My determination to do something before Tammy came along for Vegas may mean that I would have gotten somewhere anyway. Having half of my extended family in Europe probably would have gotten me there eventually.

It is also easy to get stuck in what you know.

We knew Disneyland, once, so that was a good starting place. There was a free ticket. There was a friend in DC. Now I don't mind if something is completely unfamiliar. (I will still do a lot of research.)

I don't doubt my ability to go anywhere.

Sometimes there still needs to be that little boost.

So thank you Dad, Mom, Julie, Maria, Tammy, Tara, and Heather. 

I don't know what happens next, but I will take it.

The awkwardness of progress

As wonderful as it was to cast off some old fears, that quickly led to a phase where I felt higher than normal frustration about the things that I still don't have down.

In addition, as I go over other prime events, declaring them resolved gets trickier.

For example, the next crisis chronologically -- after the depression over Reed (even though it was not really about Reed) -- is the job loss that occurred in 2008, right around the time the world economy crashed.

I did not go into a full depression, but I was not happy. There was some definite growth and understanding that had come out of it, by the time I was gainfully employed again. However, here I am jobless again.

Did I really learn everything I needed to?

Is there something I'm still not getting right?

Also, at the end of that one depression I did understand that my belief was wrong, and it was not impossible for someone to love me. However, I am still not in a relationship; it does feel like some additional progress should be possible.

I'm just saying, things are messier now, a result so typical of life.

The life phases that I think are significant are the unemployment from September 2008 to August 2010, getting onto Twitter and starting to look out for depressed teenagers in late 2012, getting laid off at the same time my mother required more care in 2016 (the other depression comes in here), and some mutual but fraught declarations of love in 2018. There is a lot in there.

As I think about them, I start to wonder about the times in between. In 2000, but more between 2005 and 2008, I started getting to some places I had always wanted to go. After my novel kept getting rejected I gave writing a break, but in 2008 I started writing sceenplays.

Are there some lessons in getting to things you want to do?

After I got hired in 2010, that cleared up one source of stress, but another tsunami of stress came forward. By the time that was all resolved, I was pretty burned out. I had to have one dream come true (going on Jeopardy!), and then be disappointing (I lost), and then go on another trip before reawakening kicked in, but when reawakening did kick in, it was glorious.

Twitter was a huge part of that reawakening, and then it brought on more stress. Worrying about so many people with eating disorders and self-harming and suicidal ideation... I took that to heart and there was some aching with that. It was also a part of my understanding my own value, and a part of building friendships, and a part of seeing the good I could do.

Even though that job in 2010 was a relief and did help, I had still lost ground financially; there were a lot of things where it was very hard to keep up. I had just gotten that under control when they laid me off. I had one month of feeling pretty stable.

There is all the psychology I have read since becoming a caregiver.

And, there is this time here, now, where my responsibility seems to be just to me -- which would be fine if it paid -- but somehow we are still surviving, even if it is always just by the skin of our teeth.

It does feel like it is winding down. Maybe there will be another resting period, where I can travel more and write creative things. 

Maybe I can go on a date again; the last time I did was 2011.

At least I am feeling optimistic.

Review Retrospective: Bands 301 - 400, 2016

I reviewed some music I really liked in 2016. I also reviewed music I hated.

What I realize now -- though I did not then -- is that a lot of the hated music came from rich kids goofing off because they could. ("Kids" may be used kind of loosely.)

There were two things that helped me realize it. One was reading about Mumford & Sons, including discussions on their shockingly wealthy backgrounds, and how it allowed them to persevere until people started listening to them.

The other factor relates strongly to doing this retrospective, in that I have been going through and checking links for old bands.

I can't say quite when the change occurred, but there was a time when it was pretty common to buy a web domain just for your band, if you could. Not only does that require someone with some basic skills designing it, but there is expense in hosting the page as well.

A lot of those old band sites don't exist anymore. Sometimes the bands don't either, but sometimes they do. Instead of the old site, they are using a Facebook page (less commonly Instagram or Twitter) as the main point of information. There are often other sites for obtaining the music, like Soundcloud, Bandcamp, or Youtube, but some social media site will have taken the place of the original site.

Some of the bigger bands -- that came out at times before free streaming and did well -- still do maintain the personal sites. I don't deny there are a lot of factors.

However, when you released an EP five years ago, and you haven't done anything since then, but you still pay for a home page? (Which often promises new music coming soon, or has new cute photos.) That indicates money to burn.

Then you see that they say Beverly Hills instead of Los Angeles, or notice other subtle indicators that this is not someone desperate for success. 

I recognize the signs better now. I also think it makes sense. 

I didn't know back in the day when I reviewed them and hated their music. I always tried to point out good things when I could, or advise who might like it, but they tended to be negative reviews.

It is probably not a coincidence, but this was the first section where in checking links I found someone who blocked me.

That was a sad case, actually. She came across as so tortured in the time where I was just following her, before I got to the review, and then there was no emotional depth. You're not tortured; you're self-pitying and bored. This might mean that when you were looking into trying an activity that appropriates the Sun Dance ceremony of the Plains Indians, that you are really just sensation seeking.

(I am sorry your father was a jerk, but understand that a lot of other people have that same problem.)

I also recently realized that with someone from the first 100 -- who is a great musician but that I just can't like -- it's because he is not really a kind person. He has suffered and I feel compassion for that, and he has depth, but he is also kind of a jerk.

This is not saying that jerks can't make good music; lots of examples disprove that. 

I am also not saying that rich people can't make good music, though fewer examples come to mind.

I do feel comfortable saying that coming from wealth makes it much easier to be shallow and superficial. It makes it much easier to be satisfied with middling efforts instead of really digging deep. That would be an obstacle to making great music.

That makes it more chilling how hard it is getting for anyone who is not already wealthy to pursue the arts. 

I should probably go back and re-read Scott Timberg's Culture Crash: The Killing of the Creative Class, but I did just read this essay in Sarah Kendzior's Flyover Country that you can read here:

https://www.aljazeera.com/opinions/2013/12/17/expensive-cities-are-killing-creativity

It relates.

For now, let me once again plug universal health care and basic income, for so many reasons.

But the songs for the week don't include anyone I hated. That was the most obvious theme for the blog, but it wasn't the whole story of the year, for which I am grateful

Daily songs:

“Salvation” by Blinking Underdogs -- For a week in which I was writing about Star Wars stuff, I reviewed Oscar Isaac's old ska band, which takes some digging. Because some of the files are hard to get at, I almost didn't include them, but someone posted a performance clip, therefore I had to. It appears he was in yet another band as well. I suspect I will check that out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAHBbLDqoRI

“Shotgun” by Heroes Like Villains -- I am anticipating this being a beautiful Saturday, and that goes with this sweet video from a pretty sweet band.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EU01I6bLBA4

“Relatively” by Faded Paper Figures -- Also a good video for a sunny day, this had a sweet sound and is the song I remembered most from this band, though they have a lot to check out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIKjw-Tb2MQ

“Breathe Me In” by Consider Me Dead -- This one got stuck in my head back in the day. I think it holds up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYP6-k4Sb2E

“Don't Drown” by Sighs -- Usually I pick songs that I still remembered years later. I had kind of forgotten this one, and it was a pleasant surprise. That is why mentioning specific songs in the reviews is helpful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9voKhn94ti4

“Flightless Bird” by Scott Barkan -- Scott Barkan comes off as such a curmudgeon, and I am fond of him for that. My favorite song of his is "Crank Radio", but this is a pretty close second.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vA_C5HyvLJY

“Local Roses” by Dear Boy -- This one had to be last because I associate it more with a group of songs in 401 - 500. It was a song that I loved instantly, and still do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1-NAfH2ukE

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/03/deconstructing-music-writing-mumford.html

Saintly Anger

What I am going to write about today extends beyond my capacity. I want to mention it anyway, because I know there is more there.

It has been a week now since the exchange where the uninformed incoherent guy told me not to bother answering. It made me mad, and at the end of that I had overcome my fear of being annoying.

A little over two years ago, getting angry freed me from my belief that there was perpetually something fundamentally wrong with me. 

Those both go so far back; even when we take into consideration other experiences had and lessons learned along that way, it is miraculous that a brief flash of anger can be so illuminating, burning up an old poison.

That makes it sadder that anger is so frequently seen as something to push away and deny and choke down.

I understand the reasons. People can do great harm while angry. It doesn't necessarily facilitate logical thinking. 

It can also be tempting to use anger as a mask for grief or fear, but if avoiding those feelings is harmful, then surely avoiding anger can be harmful too. 

We need to listen to what our emotions are telling us. 

Anger is the voice that tells me "This is wrong." 

When I believe something false, seeped into me from before I can remember, anger shouting that this is wrong is liberating. 

If anger tells me something is wrong, but once facing that I see that it is not that important and I can let it go, that is also liberating.

Anger can also be a call to the work of liberation, something harder but necessary.

This is where I get beyond my scope.

I had been thinking about anger anyway. In December I read I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown. I highly recommend it anyway, for multiple reasons, but what she wrote about anger struck me. She wrote about fighting it at first, for reasons I relate to, but then realizing that it could be creative. 

We often conflate creativity with innovation, but building something is also creative, even if it follows a pattern, or has happened before.

Brown did not expound on that a lot, but she did mention learning from Audre Lorde's Sister Outsider, which I just finished on March 28th.  I knew at the time I that I was not done with it, so I have held on to the copy, re-reading passages. 

Lorde's specific essays on anger deal with racism, in different facets. 

I also just finished the September Vanity Fair with Breonna Taylor on the cover, and her inside, but much about George Floyd as well. 

Through sheer procrastination and too much to do, I read it at the time of the trial of his killer, and the death of Daunte Wright, and news about the police harassment of Caron Nazario (support our troops!), and all of this at a time when the police are under increased scrutiny, but still not even trying.

I think of the James Baldwin quote "To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time."

Then I think of that thing that I periodically read, where people react badly to unfairness, but if they feel like they can't change it they will react badly to their impotence, so try and justify the unfairness (e.g. they need to quit resisting arrest).

Let me go back a bit. An ignorant white man telling a woman that her disagreeing answer was not welcome is small, but it is a part of that same patriarchy that enfolds racism and misogyny and all other bigotries.

My raised poor but smart father, with some good intentions but a lot of selfishness and an unwillingness to ever take the blame -- from whom my insecurities sprung -- folds into patriarchy as well.

Resolving the inner vulnerabilities of one pretty self-aware (and awesome) woman is relatively easy, especially compared to solving systemic, structural racism. It will take a lot of anger. 

It will take feeling that anger, and not being consumed by it, and not given into despair followed by acceptance instead.

It has to be possible, and there is liberation on the other side, and it is euphoric.

Even for the white guys who fight it hardest, equality will be better. Inclusion, freedom, integration, acceptance, expansion... it will be better for everyone.

Individual healing will be happening all along the way.

Let's get moving.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-power-of-hate.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/02/if-youre-angry-and-you-know-it.html

 

Write on!

Despite yesterday's post being a good length, and having required a whole separate post the day before to keep it on track, and having been reliant on a post from the previous week, it was not the whole story.

There were two other elements that were important, and that I want to get to now. 

Man-I-don't-know writes dismissive thing and it leads to amazing insight about myself did happen, and that there was a foundation it was built on was made pretty clear, but also, there was a process there that involved two key things.

I saw his response and I had feelings about that. (That will be more tomorrow's post.)

Then I wrote about it three times. It wasn't until the third time that I realized I am no longer afraid of being annoying, but I had been approaching it the whole time.

(That is not counting my response to him, which may have been part of the process but also could have just been fun.)

I wrote in my journal first. That was the shortest one. I wrote a brief description of what happened and then this:

How male. Wrong, thinks he's smart, and sees no need to listen or learn.

It ties together, because the people who don't have much other than their patriarchal rank over you sure don't want you to like yourself, or be happy as you are, or know that you are enough.

That did not feel like enough. I thought it was that I needed to share it. That led to both Twitter and Facebook.

The interesting thing is that I was initially reluctant to post on Facebook. The first poster (whose friend made the dismissive remark) and I have mutual friends (though that guy isn't one of them). I didn't want it to become a whole thing.

It is possible that considering not doing something in deference to men who do not show any similar consideration was related to the breakthrough.

It is definite that as we go over and interpret and try to explain something, it gives us a chance to realize more.

The funny thing is that the next day I was talking to a friend (about learning, appropriately) and as he was explaining something to me he said "Though I hadn't realized that I thought of it that way until now..."

Yes, of course. That is how it works.

It was easier for me to have a breakthrough on my fear of being annoying because I had been engaging with it actively. Then, getting to annoy someone showed me that it wasn't that bad.

There can be things that we feel, and almost know, but that require articulation before we get there. In fact, they may require articulation in a specific way that we grope toward over multiple interactions. Perhaps that is why expressive writing is generally done as a series of three sessions.

There is one more thing about that.

In February I wrote about three early experiences that worked together to convince me that no one wanted to hear about my problems. 

It seems logical that some of my motivation for writing comes from there; so much to say, but who wants to hear it?

As nice as it would be to explore having someone who listens (and I admit I would be a lot), I do like having the blog. I like putting it out there as a record that I have thought this and learned that, and that if the timing is not right for you now, the post will still be there later.

The thing with the guy happened Thursday. Saturday someone tweeted a veiled reference to dissociative identity disorder. It wasn't exactly an ask, but this was a mutual, so I could send a private message and say -- stressing that I don't know if this is needed -- this is here and if you want to talk we can. "This" being a link to my post on dissociation, which is a relatively soothing one, so not a bad starting point.

I could receive a message of gratitude then, because it had been on their mind.

I was attuned to that (and I had something to offer) because I had written about it.

That's what writing can do.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/01/expressive-writing.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/02/failure-to-communicate.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/03/lets-hear-it-for-dissociation.html

Unafraid

Just as I get over my fear that I might not be a good mother, I also lose my fear of being annoying!

This is how it happened.

I have been trying to write posts at least the night before. Proofreading tends to be more effective with a rest period in between, and it gives me more time to refine the thoughts. Therefore, the post on tonglen went up Thursday, but I had written it Wednesday night. Regardless of the details, I believe that it was helpful that my mind had been focusing on my sudden epiphany about being enough.

Someone I know posted about the 2nd Amendment. 

I don't really love conflict, but I will fight to the death for what I think is right. In the past that has meant that while I posted frequently and would argue someone disagreeing with my posts into the ground, I rarely took issue with what people posted on their own pages. 

Ignorance has been running amuck so badly, and violence has been increasing, so it is more frequent for me to feel that I have to say something. In this case, I just pointed out that overthrowing a tyrannical government was not the purpose of the 2nd Amendment, and we had a not horrible exchange about that.

But he has other friends.

One of them replied with a poorly thought out string of sentences. It was full of non sequitur and (false) conservative talking points, but sadly lacking in coherence and originality. It was also pretty spotty on punctuation and grammar. This is your person who has been formed by Fox News for years but switched to OAN because Fox was too liberal, though maybe he still checks in with Tucker Carlson.

It wouldn't even have made an impression except for the last sentence.

"Please dont respond because it will just be bullshit." 

How male.

Seriously? I reference articles of the Constitution and historical occurrences and you vomit up a mix of conspiracy theory and sentence fragments that you couldn't tie together if you tried, and you tell me not to respond?

I did write back congratulating him for being an ass. (I used more words, but that was the gist.)

What was important was that he joined a long line of men being irritated when I disagree with them, or say something that threatens their view of things. I get that it's patriarchy, but perhaps it was also more obvious in that moment that they have not earned their position. At all.

If the conclusion to Thursday's post was that I am enough, the other thing that had been coming up a lot in the preceding posts is this fear that I have carried with me that I would annoy someone or take up too much space or be a problem.

In this moment, I knew I was annoying this man, but it was not a problem with me. Not only was I not mortified, annoying him was deliciously pleasing.

There's not this unknown wrongness lurking in me anymore; I know that was one of the steps on the path. Also, I understand a lot more about how societal conditioning and patriarchy works. None of this happened in a vacuum.

But I am not afraid of annoying people anymore. I will not go out of my way to annoy anyone (with the possible exception of puns), but the fear is gone.

Amazing.