Let's hear it for dissociation!

Let's give dissociation a hand.

Yes, you should be hearing that to the tune of Deniece Williams.

Dissociation is a broad term for a break in how your mind handles information. I will mainly be referring to gaps in memory but that can also mean feelings of disconnection to creating new identities for handling trauma.

One of the surprising things for me this time has been the things that I don't remember. Obviously it makes sense that I focus on things that I remember, and on things that seem important, but noticing holes this time has been a little disturbing.

At the same time -- and this has mainly come through reading, rather than noticing it for myself -- I have learned to see the value in not always remembering everything.

It is not just that I read these books at all, but I believe that it was helpful that I read them so close together. There was synergy in doing that, which is even more impressive when you consider how much of that was dependent on how long it took for other library users to get through with them. 

Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence -- From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror by Judith Lewis Herman, 1992.

Rebuilding Shattered Lives: Treating Complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders by James A. Chu, 1998.

Yoga and the Quest for the True Self by Stephen Cope, 1999.

First of all, let me only recommend Dr. Herman's -- the first -- book. Dr. Chu's book is really focused on treatment. Besides being very academic, I suspect it could be discouraging to patients as they read about ways in which they can be difficult. 

Then I found the yoga one very irritating. This philosophy will not work for me; I just want to be more bendy. 

And yet I learned things from all three of them. 

(My other note is that I sometimes say "disassociation". It kind of sounds more natural to me, but it is not standard use and I shouldn't be pushing for an extra syllable.)

Cope (appropriately named, at least) wrote about a balance between awareness and equanimity. As you increase your awareness of various things -- whether about the universe or your past or your motivations, hypothetically -- it can be a lot. You may need time to catch up before you learn more.

I don't believe he even mentioned that in the context of dissociation; that part was more about how sometimes you will feel like you need to rest, and you should listen to that instead of pushing on. However, because I was also reading about dissociation, and seeing how I would gain different insights at different times, it made sense. 

Previously I had thought of that strictly in terms of having more knowledge and experience, as if deeper intellectual capacity was the only need for deeper insight. It can also make sense that sometimes what you need most is more resilience, or more time away cushioning the blows, or a better support network.

The other thing that really hit hard was (I believe from Dr. Chu) that children will sometimes see themselves as "bad" because it is easier than accepting a parent as "bad". I don't know how much dissociation can protect your self-image, but there is a big wound that comes from not being able to rely on a parent. 

Most of the Adverse Childhood Experiences relate to a lack of parental support and stability. Your brain might try and protect you from that.

The other thing that was reassuring was from Dr. Herman, in the section of the book talking about groups, where it mentioned that recovering the memories does not tend to be an issue, once you are ready.

It came up in that section because often having a safe place to talk about it, and some reassurance that you were not the only one -- that there was not something exceptionally bad about you -- appears to be very helpful.

I mention this because I know that at least a few readers have things that they don't remember, and I hope it is comforting. 

I also mention it because I need to say that writing all of this out takes a toll on me. That I only blog about it for a few days each week helps, but also, if sometimes there are posts like this that are more detached and less personal, I do it to lay groundwork, but also for the rest.

I may at some point need more of a rest, where I write about movies for a week or I simply don't write at all for a week. I want to keep pushing through, but there could be snags, and I don't know. I am just putting that out there. 

But also, this is kind of a quiet week. I am going to write about something more observational tomorrow, and then about a time period that was not too heavy.

And I hope it will be educational.