I never thought of myself as a Disney princess...

... and if I were going to, I identify most with Belle, because books!

However, Twitter discourse on King Triton has led me to have some new thoughts and remember some old ones.

The Little Mermaid came out in November 1989. I didn't see it until years later, but I seem to remember the trailer ending with Ariel saying "I love you, Daddy." 

Hearing that almost a year into my father not speaking to me punched me right in the heart, but then I had that moment. Just another year and a half later he said he wanted to start over, and I hugged him and felt a flood of happiness and said "I love you."

I don't specifically remember him saying that he loved me back, and of course "starting over" meant not talking about or dealing with or apologizing for anything that had previously happened. All of that perhaps makes it less surprising that the ceasefire didn't last.

People on Twitter have some very strong feelings about whether or not King Triton was an abusive parent, and that had come up recently. Invading Ariel's personal space and destroying all of her treasures is generally the argument for him being abusive, but a lot of people will defend it based on humans being indeed dangerous, plus he sacrificed himself at the end.

Although it took me a while to get to watching the movie, I have now seen both the direct-to-video sequel and prequel. In the first one, we learn that yes, Ariel's mother died because of contact with humans, but it was music-related, so Triton banned music, leading to underground music clubs. Eventually he saw the error of his ways, so that all of his daughters are practicing musical numbers that Ariel messes up because of her traipsing off after humans, another thing to control. Then, in the sequel, a threat to Ariel's daughter Melody is dealt with by walling off the ocean, thus cutting Ariel off from all of her mer-family. 

Whatever the problem, the solution is always more isolation, and more control.

There is a lot of fear; I can feel some compassion for that.

Let me digress again. I started a Talented and Gifted program in 4th grade. I think it was relatively new, and they were experimenting a lot. The next two years the program expanded, but that year it was just a handful of students in one classroom at the junior high. 

The student teacher working with the program arranged some interviews, probably for a public access channel, and I participated. I know my answers during the interview were rambling, but what I really remember is driving back and talking about different things. I don't quite remember the context, but I remember asking if there was such a thing as emotional abuse. She said there was, but it was harder to identify than physical abuse, and I think she also mentioned neglect.

I do not specifically remember her trying to dig for any details on whether she should be worried; it was more respectfully engaging a curious child, which I was. Even if she had done some digging, there was nothing actionable.

Recently a friend has commented that my father was abusive and that it was not my fault. I know the intent was reassurance, and it does mainly work for that. It is still a little uncomfortable accepting the label. 

I mean, he could have been worse.

He could have been better too.

I know his family had its own problems. That didn't help, but that leaves me right back to the previous two points. Being worse and better were both possibilities.

I attribute a lot of the problems to his inability to be happy with himself, but the other factor that is relevant here is that need to be in control and in charge. That is so relevant to toxic masculinity.

One reason we could never win as children is that if we did not do well, he was unhappy with us for that, but if we did excel at something it could lead to him feeling threatened, and would bring some kind of cut.  

None of that is really about being the protector, but if you think providing for and protecting your family requires being in charge, maybe it seems that way, or maybe it just seems like your due. You deserve their fealty for all that you do, including the harm.

That is dominator culture. It isn't really good for the men, even though they are on top. My father has not gotten a lot of happiness out of this.

The first 17 years of my life have taken more than 30 to unravel, but I'm still doing better than him. 

And I still reject it being a contest.