Things that helped me on the way

I have mentioned feeling irritation as I start recapping events, because it feels like I have already written about them so many times. That is true, but it is also true that I am finding things this time around that I didn't find before. 

I never thought about how I used to recognize cars and remember details about them, and that it only stopped after the traumatic event that related directly to cars. I wrote something about maybe not concentrating well, and then remembered how my grades improved after my father and I reconciled that first time. Previously I'd attributed it to a normal cycle for a gifted child who had a hard time learning and maintaining good study habits. That could be a logical explanation. Maybe.

It is disconcerting to look back and notice things that may show a worse impact and more harm, especially when the material is -- I thought -- very familiar. It probably is safer to notice those things now.

Ultimately, I have survived. There are a lot of different factors in that. These posts have been mostly about the things that hurt and their impact, and we are approaching a point where it will be more about the healing. First, I want to dedicate at least one post to some of the things that helped. 

My faith helped a lot. That includes my specific religion.

There was great protection from both the Word of Wisdom and chastity, because between my tendency toward addiction, demonstrated family tendency toward alcoholism, and the combination of my desire for romance and my poor self-esteem... there was just a minefield of potential tragic decisions there. 

I am grateful for that, but not nearly as much as I am grateful for the relationship that I built with God, and prayer, and the meaning that I have seen in life, and the guidance I have felt through the Holy Ghost. That has been a source of strength and joy and something that has pulled me back from the abyss many times. 

Even as a 14 year old girl with a lot of pain, I knew that it helped. 

I also believe that gave me my sense of morality and ethics, where I have generally made choices that I didn't have to regret in terms of how I treated people. Of course, if some of that also made it easy to be self-effacing when I needed to shore myself up, society does that too; that is probably why religion so frequently does it.

I was also super smart.

Yes, that is a factor in the over analysis and the ability to pull helpful things from books (though I believe inspiration plays a large part in that), but also, there was a limit to how much other things could get to me when there was always something interesting to learn. When I was lonely, there were books, and as technology makes finding more obscure material ever easier, that has also been a repeated source of joy.

I am finding it harder to maintain my previous belief that I am probably neurotypical. I am not sure that it matters at this point, but if so, it probably helped me more than it hurt. It may also have led to another thing...

My socialization was spotty.

A lot of people that I met when young weren't that nice. I generally chose to be alone instead of dealing with them. Okay, "choosing" implies that I knew that people who were mean to you were not always doing it to get you to leave, but I might have still chosen solitude. 

Now, there was probably a downside to this, in that sometimes I miss nuances to social conventions and there are skills I don't have. At the same time, I have never had a "frenemy", and I think I am better off that way. 

The people I bonded with have been good people, for the most part, and I still like them. I know people who have been hurt by friends. Nope, that's what family is for; make good friends!

You may notice that all of those core helps have potential down sides built in. Yes, that happens, but I still feel that it worked out overall. I still like myself, which is radical and revolutionary even when it should be elementary.

My dear readers, so many of you have expressed ways in which my experiences resonate with you, despite varying degrees of severity. You may have room for a lot of healing.

What I want to impress upon you is that there are reasons that you have made it to here too. I can imagine some of you possibly (with self-deprecating humor) declaring that what got you hear was denial. 

That may be at least partially true, but there is some level of fortitude or concentration that worked. Sometimes the primary difference between a weakness and a strength is application. And time.

I hope you will notice the things that are good about you, and be glad about them. If you need some help, maybe I can over-analyze it for you.

Mostly, I want you to know that I wish you well, and I have faith that it is possible.