Sidetracked by books again

I can point to two different posts where I had specific goals that I was going to get to, and I am still behind.

I was going to start writing about my issues with fat, and then I saw a reference to a book, The Obesity Myth (by Paul Campos), which felt like it would be very relevant. I was supposed to be working on my facist/authoritarian reading and my Black History month reading, but okay, one book won't make much difference to either of those schedules. Then I started reading it.

The Obesity Myth is an excellent book, and it definitely fit in with the reading, but there were also things about how people will ignore facts, and where a fear of contamination goes along with certain issues. It seemed to relate to another book that I always intended to get to, The Panic Virus (by Seth Mnookin).

That is about how autism and vaccinations became associated in people's minds. I knew that there was a flawed study by a person with a financial stake, but I had not known about pre-existing vaccine fears, or some of the parental input. Most of my previous reading on immunizations had focused around flu shots.

Those books do relate to each other, at least in a sociological/psychological sense, but they also relate to some thoughts that I have had politically. And I almost don't want to write this today, because at a later point I believe I am going to go through and point out the flaws with every political label including independent voters, so I could be getting ahead of myself here.

It does go with one of the gardening books. Let me back up.

Some time ago - when vaccination was in the news - I remember someone talking about this mindset of purity. Some people have faith that they will eat the best foods and live the healthiest lifestyle, and that will protect them. They don't need vaccines.

Except that they do. One part of Panic Virus relates how a doctor who supports anti-vax parents tells them not to tell their friends, because we could drop below the necessary herd immunity levels if everyone did it.

If your secret to health or financial success or happiness is something that relies on other people not being able to have it, there are problems. First of all, you may be selfish and evil, which is worth thinking about. In addition, are you sure you can make it work?

At the start of Growing Vegetables West of the Cascades, Solomon spends a lot of time on how the nutritional value of food has decreased due to soil depletion. The extent to which it has dropped is less in organically grown food, but it's still a problem; how are you going to fix that?

You can worry about mercury in vaccines (though thimerasol was never in the MMR shot and has since been removed from other shots) but you are getting larger amounts in the air and quite possibly in your food. How are you going to fix that?

Speaking of things we have good science on, but that some people still refuse to believe, how are you going to fix global warming? Or bees dying off? Trying to keep your food uncontaminated and nutritious still assumes that the weather and pollinators are cooperating. That is not guaranteed.

I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this now, because I am running late and I am tired (there will be more on that tomorrow) and I know I will be circling back to it, but I will say this.

The next logical step to thinking "I am better than you" is thinking "I don't need to care about you".

It is always wrong.

Related posts:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/02/when-reading-lists-collide.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/02/so-not-finished.html

Recovering from emo

Here I am still writing about emo, but I ended up adding an eighth day to James Dewees week, so there is still some symmetry.

I already said my interest in emo first came from 2012 when I was new on Twitter and falling headlong for My Chemical Romance. Part of that time was also connecting with a lot of younger people - mainly girls - who were also big MCR fans, or fans of some other band that was everything to them. The word "emo" was flying around a lot back then, even if not always by them.

Five years later, things are very different. I don't know that anyone's musical taste changed, but there are other things on their minds. Kids who obsessed over bands in junior high and high school are now in college, or applying to colleges, or working or engaged. They are accomplishing things. They still love music, but it's different, and it's better. I still worry about the world that is out there for them, and the difficulty of making it out there, but it is better for them to have more in their lives.

In that way it is easy to view emo as a phase that you outgrow. And if it is defined by its self-absorption and moodiness, then it becomes very easy to say that not only are some bands not emo anymore, but it is also remarkably clear that some never were. Genre labels always have some weaknesses; we just keep using them because they're convenient.

I know there are also new kids going through that possessive, obsessive phase. I saw it just today with some people jumping all over just a little thing Frank Iero said, where you could totally understand if he never tweeted anything again. I'm not attracting new young music fans anymore, so it's easy to forget about it, but it's still out there. I suppose it's the circle of life.

The other thing that is important to know, though, is that while it is common to mature out of this phase, it is possible not too.

I suspect at some point I am going to want to do some writing about toxic masculinity and emo aspects of that, and then I may regret that I've already used the title "Terrible emo boys". For now, I want to focus on Chris Carraba.

That's not saying that he's terrible, but if reading about him the first time around was sad, this time around it was really disturbing. I guess that makes it more disturbing that Greenwald is so enamored of Carraba, because people who love his dysfunction are less likely to get him help.

I believe in the role of art in helping to heal, and that you do need to process grief, but at some point it begins to sound like a Dashboard Confessional concert is just wallowing. Is that cathartic? Catharsis implies that you get somewhere. And I know that even though picking at a scab is not the best way to heal a wound, the wound will usually still heal anyway, so there may not be any need for concern, but it looks unhealthy.

(I know that Nothing Feels Good is 14 years old now, so Carraba could be fine. I hope he is.)

It may be a natural part of youth to glamorize misery, but at some point you realize that Romeo and Juliet is less love, more stupidity, and that realization is good for your future. Maybe one album about girls never noticing you can be great, but ideally you will then move on. Then there can be albums about the pain of long distance relationships, or bitter breakups, or the euphoria of it working out, or starting to seriously consider your mortality (especially once you have kids).

It is a big world out there, and it is terrible and beautiful and frightening and amazing.

You're a much more interesting person (and musician) once you see that.

Band Review: Andy Jackson and Death in the Park

Just for the record, there are two Andy Jacksons.

The older one is a recording engineer best known for his work with Pink Floyd, but who also has produced some solo work that reminds me of Pink Floyd. The songs on Signal to Noise are moody, if not quite dark, and carry a weight to them where I can suddenly hear where Pink Floyd might have been among the inspirations for sludge,

http://andyjacksonmusic.com/

I feel pretty confident that the Andy Jackson that James Dewees recommended is the younger one, who has sung for Hot Rod Circuit and has a solo project called Death in the Park. I suspect this based on James Dewees following him and Hot Rod Circuit having toured with The Get Up Kids. (You can get things past me, but not indefinitely.)

Unsurprisingly, Death in the Park is more to my taste, with its earnest aching and more melodic delivery. It is certainly closer to danceable.

I particularly liked "Sway", one of the faster offerings, but Jackson's team-up with Paramore's Hayley Williams, "Fallen", may leave the strongest impression. The way it lingers in the mind makes it a solid choice for closing out the EP.

I was not able to find any links dedicated to Death in the Park, but there is sometimes information on Andy Jackson (the younger one's) Twitter.

https://twitter.com/handyjammer

Band Review: The Superweaks

I liked The Superweaks on the first listen, which is always appreciated. As it got closer to writing time, I started having concerns that I had no idea what to say.

Profiles mention their loves of clogging and Satan, coffee and hot sauce (depending on where you are looking). They may not take biographies that seriously. I believe when they say they are from Philadelphia. Still. no words were coming together. Their music did not sound as cheeky as their profiles, and I felt like I was missing something. Then I read about the death of bass player Corey Bernard. 2016 release Better Heavens is a tribute to him.

It's not that it's a huge musical departure from their previous work, but it does feel more serious. There is beauty, but given that context I also sense grief. It gives me a reason for why the ending of the final track, "Junkie's Gone to Heaven" felt so haunting when the ending feedback seems to be fading up and out.

I do like the earlier songs, especially "I Don't Want To Be An Anarchist (Anymore)". There is great guitar on "Finals". Still, I believe Better Heavens is a great starting place.

I checked The Weaks out on the recommendation of James Dewees. "I'll See Myself Out" has some keyboards that remind me of him, but some tracks also remind me of Blink-182, circa "First Date". One article described them as "Weezer meets Thin Lizzy". I am not sure I hear the Thin Lizzy part, but with their traditionally short track length and other antecedents one could probably call them emo-adjacent: punk roots, but more mellow and thoughtful. And I am sorry for some of the things they have had to think about recently, but I still appreciate their results.

It looks like they play fairly regular dates and keep that updated on their Facebook page, but there is not currently anything scheduled.

Worth checking out.

https://www.facebook.com/TheSuperweaks/

https://thesuperweaks.bandcamp.com/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCt2pcnerglFQ82YzA8O2J9w

https://twitter.com/thesuperweaks

Terrible emo boys

I had a fun moment of synergy recently.

I saw a birthday wish to Geoff Rickly, and I thought the name sounded familiar. A quick search revealed he is the lead singer of No Devotion, whom I reviewed in January, but that was not all.

He was also in Thursday - a band featured in Nothing Feels Good - and I had taken down a quote from him because it seemed significant:

"...all the kids who were totally into Marxism and pushing communism were also emotionally abusive to their girlfriends."

That was in chapter 10. There was some exploration of emo misogyny in Chapter 9, but there are some good examples of it in Chapter 11, which is where I wrote "TOOL!" (Okay, I didn't really capitalize it like that, but the exclamation point was there.)

In 11 Greenwald hangs out with a bunch of kids in Long Island as they talk about what the band means to them. There are three specific things that bug me.

p. 180 "Girls don't listen to Dashboard like we do. They like it because it's catchy. I mean, I can sing along to it, bop my head and whatever, but we get the inner meaning, we get how it really relates to us. Like, I don't listen to any female bands-- I turn away from them sometimes because I can't relate to it."

p. 184 "I want him to stay ours. I know it's selfish."

I have seen that possessiveness before. One common manifestation is when fans will hate the significant others of the band members. It happens with actors too.

I also find it ironic that while Greenwald details how passionate they are about music, he mentions that they time their arrival at the concert to be able to miss the opening bands but still be able to move to the front.

But the thing that bothered me the most - and I noticed it the first time but after going through again and getting soured on Greenwald it was even more obvious - is that when the kids tell him they wish they had started a band, he wants to tell them that they did.

No, no, a thousand times no! Sitting around together bummed because no one gets you but the one musician (that other one did before, but he's too big now), and other people don't really get that musician, but you do because you are special - that is not remotely similar to starting a band!

Even the most self-absorbed musicians have to go through getting instruments, learning to play them, learning to play at the same tempo as each other so it is not total dischord (unless you choose that you want it that way), learning how to play enough songs to get gigs, learning how to turn what is in their heads into their own songs, and finding ways to get heard. That is work.

And maybe as that effort gets you out of your own head, you discover that girls also have the intellectual and emotional capacity to appreciate music, and make music that is worth listening to! Maybe you find it in you to give opening bands a chance, like the band you are going to see has.

I can tell you, one of the worst concerts I have ever been to was Dashboard Confessional, and it was because of all the girls singing along. It wasn't because of the beat, because they slowed everything down and killed the beat." (Also on p. 184 "It will be people reciting words that they know as opposed to belting out the words that you feel." I don't think so.)

Here was the other fun coincidence that came out searching on Geoff Rickley. Pharmabro Martin Shkreli was a silent investor in Rickly's label Collect Records, a connection that was later severed when Shkreli became known for gouging sick people and other horrible things.

I'm sure it was disappointing, but it shouldn't really be surprising. Liking music doesn't automatically make you a good person, and there are aspects of emo that can be very self-indulgent.

I've told you about my worst concert, but one of my best was a show with The Hotelier (considered part of a new emo revival), Josh Berwanger (formerly of The Anniversary), and The Get Up Kids. Those are some pretty strong emo roots, but that show was alive with positive energy.

What makes it different? I have some thoughts, but I'm afraid it requires one more post.

Writing books about music

There was one glaring thing about Nothing Feels Good that bothered me even when I first read it, but we'll get to that tomorrow. Otherwise, my main concern was that I still didn't get "emo", for which I blamed myself.

That may not have been completely fair. I had just finished Jeff Chang's Can't Stop Won't Stop: A History of the Hip-Hop Generation before. I know that I could have gotten more out of it if I had been more familiar with the music, but I still learned a lot.

What really filled in the blanks was reading Our Band Could Be Your Life: Scenes from the American Indie Underground 1981-1991 by Michael Azerrad. Greenwald had mentioned the importance of the alternative/DIY (do it yourself) movement at the time, but only that it was important, not how. Azerrad filled that in beautifully, so reading his book about eighteen months later it was like, "Oh! Now I get it."

One interesting thing about that is Azerrad's inspiration. He was watching a miniseries on the history of rock music and it had a gap somewhere between Talking Heads and Nirvana.

That would be noticeable, but I can totally see it happening. My original theory for why "emo" got used in so many different ways was that none of the main bands got that famous. That theory has some flaws, but the producers of the mini-series might agree.

Azerrad breaks down the time period given and his organization is impeccable. By focusing on specific bands to highlight various aspects and important points, it makes listening for musical context easier anyway, but intellectually the details he includes and how he orders them brings all of the material together.

Initially that just confirmed my belief that I should have gone into Nothing Feels Good knowing more, but little things began to pop up when I started going back through it for music. I wondered if all of the band name dropping was valuable. Even as I choose to continue to go through all of it, no, it is not useful to the extent that Greenwald does it.

Sometimes there were little things that were unclear, like that Rocket from the Crypt was the complete name of a band, and not that it was a band named Rocket on a label called The Crypt. That was mostly an issue of inconsistent capitalization and phrasing. Also, when there are two bands that are both pretty important and definitely distinct, but they have somewhat similar names - like Jawbreaker and Jawbox, for example - it could be good to make a point of that the first time the second one is introduced. These started really becoming an issue in Chapter 6.

Those were still things that you could mark down to the author assuming some knowledge on the part of the reader. I guess that could work, though I don't know that anyone well-versed in emo would feel a strong need to read the book. I think it shows a difference in purpose. Azerrad was writing to fill a gap that he knew existed, and on those terms his book succeeds. I suspect Greenwald was writing to indulge (and appreciate) his interest. That could make it the definitive emo book, though in a "and that's the worst thing about emo" way.

My biggest problem came after watching Another State of Mind, which was also associated with Chapter 6 when Greenwald is profiling Vagrant founder Rich Egan. I need to quote:

"A born pragmatist, Egan still took his inspiration from the purists. 'It sounds unbelievably corny, but when I saw Another State of Mind [the influential documentary about Minor Threat, Dischord Records, and the D.C. DIY scene] ten years after it was made, I knew immediately that it was what I wanted to do." Egan was eighteen, a college student, and working in the mail room at Hollywood's megapowerful Creative Artists Agency. It was the end of the '80s and the decade's Gordan [sic] Gekko money-grab mentality was still in full effect." (p. 74)

It continues with a rather condescending description of how Egan started Vagrant. I believe on the first reading I thought Greenwald was making a leap, with that and the Gordon Gekko reference. There were so many interview subjects who looked down on anything involving making money, and who looked down on Egan and Vagrant that it fit in, but I was taking it with a grain of salt. The real problem is that is that Greenwald's aside on the movie shows he has no idea what it's about.

Another State of Mind (named for a Social Distortion song) is about Social Distortion and Youth Brigade going on tour together. They were following DIY principles. You see them fixing up a bus together and they are doing it on their own, and they have some great fan interactions, sometimes with people who feed them. They also keep having mechanical problems and money problems, and enough time spent tired, cold, and hungry lets resentments build. At least one crew member is gone by the time the bus dies for good, then Youth Brigade splits and Social Distortion loses members and the tour is abandoned. Ian MacKaye of Minor Threat is in it. He gives them a place to stay for a bit and takes them shopping for tarps - which is totally DIY - but that is an aside.

I know it is much easier to look up movies (and movie character name spellings) now, but it still seems like there should have been some follow-up questions by a good interviewer: How did the movie influence you? Was there a specific scene? Because it is just as easy to assume that what Egan took from the movie was that music is great and people respond to these small, emotional shows, but it can be really miserable without funding. That may not make him a philanthropist, but it doesn't exactly make him Monty Burns either.

There was a big drop in opinion after that, but this was not the point where I wrote "TOOL!" in my notes. That can wait until tomorrow.

Emo, daily songs, and James Dewees

Today starts James Dewees week. Each song of the day will come from his career, and the Thursday and Friday band reviews will be bands that were mentioned by him (The Superweaks and Andy Jackson, FYI).

When I have given a song week to an individual before, it was for solo artists with long and varied careers. (Specifically, it was David Bowie and Iggy Pop, and they were back to back because that felt right. I am going to have to work out something for Stevie Wonder, but I think I know what it will be.)

I could easily do a week or month of Reggie and the Full Effect songs that I love, but what interests me here is how many bands Dewees has fit into, which includes playing different instruments. I want to spend some time on that versatility.

I originally planned to do that in October, and then there was going to be a My Chemical Romance week ending on Frank Iero's birthday, but with the other bands who were on deck for daily songs and waiting for material for bands I wanted to review, it just didn't work out. Some of that happened in December, some of it is happening now, and some will probably still happen eventually.

I wasn't bothered, because I realized that James Dewees was born on March 13th, which would be on a Monday, and that would be a great lead-in to blogging about emo and finally starting to go through the emo songs. If only I were done.

I first finished Andy Greenwald's Nothing Feels Good: Punk Rock, Teenagers, and Emo December 23rd, 2012. That was the year I got onto Twitter and into My Chemical Romance, at which point the word "emo" was being thrown around a lot. Reading the book was my attempt to understand that, though it didn't help much.

That was not completely Greenwald's fault. Part of what confused me were developments that happened after the book's publication, and there was no way he could have included it. Nonetheless, there are some real weaknesses to the book, and I will be writing about those tomorrow.

At the time I thought it was me - I just didn't know enough about the music. I decided I was going to go through all the bands mentioned in the book, and then I would get it. I blogged about starting to do that in July of 2013. I am still at it.

I admit my efforts have not always been consistent. As it is, I am in the middle of Chapter 10 and have about 110 bands left, plus I need to watch a documentary about the Long Island emo scene. (I am curious about this, because at least based on The MovieLife, Long Island seems a little angrier.)

One issue is that this involves a lot of repeats, and Greenwald throws in a lot of bands that are not emo, but relate in some tangential way. Maybe one of the bands featured really liked a band or reminded people of a band, or bands get mentioned because they were in the music mainstream at the time. Or maybe Jimmy Eat World's crew went to a Slayer concert.

I know that makes it take longer, but I'm going with it anyway, because it does fill things in. I was not listening to contemporary music during the main period, so I don't know this stuff. I realized I had never listened to Pantera before, now I have. I really enjoyed listening to Nelly. I am still not enjoying Eminem, but I am flinching less. None of them are emo.

Even with the emo music, opinions evolve. The first time I listened to The Starting Line, I wrote "Bedroom Talk is so emo", and I don't think I meant it as a compliment. Now I like it.

Anyway, I am going to write about emo this week, and after James Dewees week I will start taking the daily songs from what I have heard so far. If with four and a half chapters left (with the last two being mainly about LiveJournal) I still have 109 bands, then you can only imagine how much music happened in the first nine and a half chapters. I have listened to every one of Deep Elm's Emo Diaries and every Drive-Thru Sampler. I think I can get a good start. Will I have more to say when I have finished? Probably.

Just to tie everything together, one of the emo mysteries for me was the style transition from Richie Cunningham with thick glasses to black leather burial shrouds with eyeliner and dramatic bangs. I did find a Marie Claire history of guyliner that seems to show the key years as 2004 - 2006 (with Nothing Feels Good coming out in 2003). Regardless, I did once ask James Dewees about it, and he said it came from The Get Up Kids keeping makeup around to draw on fake mustaches.

I think it sounds like an oversimplification, but they did influence a lot of bands. Jim Suptic has apologized for that.

Related posts:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/07/going-emo.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/08/greatest-guitar-songs-trouble-with.html

Band Review: Gordy Garris Group

The Gordy Garris Group is an indie rock back from Saginaw, Michigan.

There is a hint of a twang in the vocals that makes the music almost country-adjacent, but too much groove from the instruments to get closer. A good example is the bridge on "Deep Inside". That keeps the music from turning into a Country-Western song, even when the lyrics are sad.

Overall the music is generally catchy, especially on "Liar, Liar" and " Hater".

The band is currently working on a new album and new tour dates, with information available on their web site.

http://www.gordygarrisgroup.com/

https://www.youtube.com/user/gordygarrisgroup

https://twitter.com/gordygarris

Band Review: Blue Nation

Blue Nation is a rock band from Birmingham, England.

They self-describe as "riff driven melodic rock". You are always aware of the guitars, driving through and underscoring the music. It feels like there is a heavy blues influence (with some funk) that goes beyond the guitars and into the emotional content, which tends to be more on the anguished side.

There are elements of the song "Kiss" that remind me of INXS on "Original Sin". At times I think they remind me of Love and Rockets. While Blue Nation does not sound overwhelmingly like them, music hits us in different ways. Fans of the other two bands should check Blue Nation out.

Blue Nation plays regularly in the Birmingham area, with tour dates available on their main page and Facebook.

http://bluenation.co.uk/

https://www.facebook.com/BlueNationMusic

https://www.youtube.com/user/BlueNationMusic

https://soundcloud.com/blue-nation

https://twitter.com/bluenationmusic

Secured

One of my Wants was "Be Financially Secure". I have had to really rethink it.

It is right above "Be Able to Give" on the list, because that is very important to me and they felt linked. It is not the only reason I wanted financial security, because I want things too, like travel. Also I have needs, and there is an abject fear that comes with not knowing how you are going to pay for your medication or keep a roof over your head. But also, other people want and need things, and they can feel that same fear, and I want to be able to step in with that.

I already wrote about being able to give. I can't find which post it was now, but I remember part of my discovery was a reminder that there are things to give besides money. Giving time and kindness has value, and I was doing good things despite being broke. I still desired financial security and I would be really generous then, but at least there were things I could do while I was waiting.

I have not become more financially secure. I have blown through all of my unemployment, and cashed out my 401K, and sometimes it feels like we are bleeding money.

Cashing out the 401K represents a loss of future security, beyond the current concerns. At the same time, some of the best things have happened because of it. That's why I could take Mom to Disneyland and could have my birthday retreat. That's why we could finally replace the couch and have adequate seating.

I know it will run out, and there could be a time when I am an impoverished senior (though my mother only has Social Security). It felt like the right thing to do at the time, perhaps helped by the apparent uncertainty of any future under this administration.

There have been certain ironies. My vision board is still hanging above my monitor. There are things there that represent money, but there were also five travel things. I have been to Disneyland this year. I am going to Italy in May, with layovers in Amsterdam and Rome. The Amsterdam layover is from 9 PM to 9 AM, so I don't think I will be doing any tourist things, but still, I will be there. Perhaps something I can't see now will send me to the Grand Canyon and Atlanta.

At one point during all of this, it occurred to me that financial security just wasn't going to be an option. I wasn't thrilled with that, but I have come to feel better about it. There are two main things that have been factors.

One is that I have started seeing some real abundance in unexpected places. One of them was Disneyland. When I go with my sisters we stay at a place that includes continental breakfast; this didn't. I worried about the expense of buying breakfast, but also of getting Mom ready to go in the morning, so I brought some food along.

It was just six bagels and six granola bars, but it lasted so well and then other things kept coming up. Suddenly there was butter and jam for the bagels. We bought food in the park, but between things lasting and sharing and a couple of gift cards, we really didn't spend that much. It was kind of amazing.

Since then I have been seeing that with groceries too - finding good deals and having things last and go further than I would expect. It makes it easier to trust that needs and wants will be provided in good time.

In addition, I started to see where wanting to be secure might make me less able to give. I have often felt a sense of guilt when I did make donations. I would see the need, and it felt important to give, so I would, but I would be thinking how it was wrong of me and I couldn't afford it and worrying I would regret it later.

As I started to calculate what financial security would mean, the numbers kept rising. It would mean no debt and some savings, but the amount of savings kept creeping up. I am sure some of that is because I don't have regular income now, but just the fact that I don't is a reminder that continued income is not guaranteed. There are enough things that can go wrong that it's kind of an illusion. Feeling that led to some fear that was going to make me kind of stingy. Hoarding doesn't help anyone.

I'm not saying that this situation is tenable for everyone, but it came through some pretty specific circumstances that I don't wish on anyone.

For me, where I am now, I can live with this. There are a lot of things I can't predict, but there have been many times when I had things worked out and the math was laughably wrong. I know what I need to do is this moment of my life, and will do that.

Something will come next.

Calming the eruptions

As gross little things were happening all over my body, little rays of hope appeared as well.

Even before that worst part, I had learned not only that the pain and immobility in my arms was a rotator cuff issue, but that massage could work it out, and that I could do stretches and rub out some pains myself to improve the issue. I may not have always been diligent in attending to it, but at least there was a remedy.

A friend looking out for me became a reminder that I needed social time, and I needed time to myself - both at home and away from home. This would not happen automatically but would require planning and asking for help on my part. That did lead to feeling better, really noticeably. As I did that more, the hives started to go away on their own. I had tried some Benadryl before that, and different creams, but they didn't really help.

I tried other things at different times. Sometimes it seems like doing a facial mask helps with the perioral dermatitis. I try and remember to do that periodically, but it's a hassle, and I don't care as much as I could. The most important thing was the hair.

It was not just that I was itching and scratching so much with the scalp. That did bother me, but also my hair itself was not feeling as good.

I know beauticians can be really down on store brands, but I had always done really well with Pantene. Not long ago the density had changed. I assume they tweaked the formula, but not in a way that worked for me. They also stopped making the moisture masque that I liked, and my hair just kept feeling dryer and rougher. (I like hair masks better than face masks.)

As often as advertisements can be a problem for self-image, sometimes they can help too. This is what I saw:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mq2yMY3aZrc

My hair had never felt normal, but maybe smooth manageable hair is the less normal one. The ad worked on my mind, and at one point when I could not stand my hair anymore I went to https://www.sheamoisture.com/ and ordered. Fortunately, my point of being fed up got me into a Cyber Monday special where I got 30 percent off and free shipping.

My hair feels better with products that are more tailored to it. My scalp is a lot better. That was a nice change.

I could do more. I could try and locate that silk nightcap and wear it every night (it prevents moisture loss while you sleep). One friend dries her hair with T-shirts to prevent breakage; is that a thing? Well, there is some dispute on whether a T-shirt is different enough from a towel, or whether you need a microfiber cloth, but those things are out there. I could experiment with different skin products for my face.

Some things will probably change, and some probably won't. The most important part of all of these things has been the me-time and social time, and I recently let those drop. The birthday retreat was really good for me, and then with the Disney trip I was so busy that I hadn't scheduled anything. While the trip was relaxing in some ways, it was still wrapped up in caring for my mother, and it took a toll. I needed replenishment without realizing it, so started running low and had to catch up again. If the things that I enjoy and know are important and that they work get neglected sometimes, the potential hassle that might help a minor skin flaw is at the back of a long line. It's still nice to know that it's there.

There is liberation in knowing that some things can't be helped and that they don't matter that much anyway. Once you have that down, there is also freedom in knowing that there are possibilities.

I break out all over

Shortly after halfway through the year of selfies, I had started to make pretty good peace with my image. I still didn't think I was attractive, but I was at least starting to see that it didn't matter much. Around this time, lots of little things happened to underscore the lack of attractiveness.

The hair coloring mishap didn't help, but I knew that was only temporary. However, it was about that time that I started noticing all of these red streaks across my neck and shoulders. I appeared to have broken out in hives.

That could have been a logical response to stress; I had a great deal at the time. I cannot say that my scalp becoming dryer and itching more was also related to stress, but I was pretty sure that my inability to stop compulsively scratching was.

Some of that could have just been dryer weather, because we were all itching more in general. I noticed that more for my back because my rotator cuffs had really tightened up and scratching any old place myself was not an option.

In addition, after years of having a pretty good complexion without ever having to worry about it that much, suddenly I had these groupings of small red pimples around my mouth and nose.

I did not feel pretty, and I could not blame that on being fat. Previously weight loss was going to be the magic bullet that fixed everything. That theory had been shot full of holes a while ago, and I had come to see how reductive it was. Now I was trying to see things differently, at least partly because of the stress. I had every reason to believe that the sources of stress were going to be around for a while, and chronic stress has side effects way beyond blotchy skin.

My general go-to strategy is to start with internet searches. I learned a few things. That acne is called Perioral Dermatitis. Actually, I guess I just learned one thing.

I read about causes and treatments for hives and perioral dermatitis and dandruff and psoriasis and eczema (because I wasn't sure what my flakes were) and there was a remarkable lack of definition.

It's not that I couldn't go to a dermatologist and get an official diagnosis for my scalp, but it doesn't seem like it would make a lot of difference. For one thing, my symptoms aren't really that bad, comparatively. That is a good reason to not undergo any extreme treatments, but also, a lot of what you can do are things that may help, but probably won't get rid of it all the way. Even very good dermatologists often can't do much about the scalp.

It's even worse for the perioral dermatitis. First of all, one thing I read is that it affects women between the ages of 15 and 45, though it can affect any age group. Even without the "any age group" clause, what a useless age range! Though I guess that means it should clear up before my next birthday. Causes can include steroid use (which doesn't apply but could preclude some other skin remedies), reactions to makeup (that's not it), and excessive drooling. Okay, I hope I would know if I had that, but how does that work? Are pores getting clogged by... never mind, I try to keep the blog from getting too gross without a purpose.

Treatments tend to focus on stopping the cause, but if you can't find a cause, that's not an option. I suspect this is pretty common because among the other suggestions are essential oils, which makes you wonder if they neglected to mention wishing really hard.

It's not that there was nothing I could do - and I will go over that tomorrow - but these are common things where there may not be a lot that anyone can do, and in looking worse, I felt better.

You don't know how embarrassed I have been about my scalp, all of my life. I was so ashamed to have those scales and the compulsive scratching really increased that, but they mean nothing. They may have a genetic component, they probably are related to the thickness of my hair, and I think they would get really bad with dreadlocks. Maybe I could get rid of them by shaving my head, but if the goal is attractiveness I do not believe the shape of my head lends itself well to this remedy. This is just how I look, and it doesn't matter.

I am not an actress or model or newscaster. There are people for whom personal appearance does matter. If they have to go to extremes and eliminate the Whole-30 foods for the rest of their lives plus a multi-stage daily facial cleanse, that could be worth it to them. Or it might not matter because they might have good makeup artists and some airbrushing to help.

For me, it just wasn't going to pay off to fret about it.

Band Review: Eva Plays Dead

Eva Plays Dead is a rock band from Nottingham/Derby.

With strident guitars and raucous vocals, there is a hard edge on the rock. It is often a good time, but it never stops being in your face. They self-describe as "no-nonsense".

I think this is particularly evident on "We're Gonna Make It", featuring Joe Hill of Grand Ultra. The intro vibrates with an energy that is too strong to be called quivering, despite similarities in motion.

For those who like the energy of hardcore but not its frequent lack of musicality, Eva Plays Dead may be a good match.

http://www.evaplaysdead.com/

https://www.facebook.com/EvaPlaysDead/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtkMrJHe5tmhT405PLi3KEg

https://twitter.com/EvaPlaysDead

Band Review: J.Saunders

I have really hated listening to J.Saunders.

He apparently also goes by 2 Pistols, though I never saw an explanation of when to use which name.

I did think it was a bad sign when I saw that he linked to an Instagram profile instead of something where you could listen to music, but it is not completely unheard of. It was nonetheless easy enough to find a way to listen, with an EP available on Spotify.

The problem isn't really the music - nothing made me sit up and take notice, but nothing was terrible either. I just can't get into the lyrical content.

I know bragging and sex and use of the N-word are all traditional, but still there are artists who rise above it and have songs that are about something. Often they are musically better, and it elevates them. In this case there were a few songs I didn't care for and one I hated.

The hated one was "Fantasy", all about how he wants her to be dressed and ready for him and carry out his fantasy. Consideration of a partner's needs can be a reasonable part of a relationship, but I thought it came off as incredibly dehumanizing to the woman. Maybe it was her calling him "Daddy", or her baby voice - I only know that my reaction was disgust and hate.

I remain completely aware that not everyone will have the same reaction to him, but this is how I feel.

https://www.instagram.com/TheReal2Pistols/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpp1tJnQbYaYg2_VTt5xj5g

https://twitter.com/2pistols

A year of selfies

I've done it. I've made it through a year of taking a selfie and posting it every day, except for a couple of days where I forgot and then made up for it by posting additional ones on following days.

It kind of went in quarters. For the first quarter it was uncomfortable. I did not like these pictures. It was nice that other people liked them, but I was cringing every time.

I think it was around the end of that first three months that I stopped cringing. It wasn't that I started liking how they looked, but I had gotten used to it. This is how I look people!

It was also about that point that I started seeing how important they were. So many people had lost relatives and wished they had more pictures of them. Most women seem to hate having their pictures taken, but no matter what flaws they see in pictures, their children think they are beautiful. They will want pictures.

I am single and childless, with a family of siblings who would also rather never have their picture taken, but maybe we will miss looking at each other someday. We are starting to wish we had more recent pictures as our mother's memory deteriorates. Also, other people enjoy my pictures.

After six months I started noticing other people avoiding having their pictures taken. I want to tell them that they're beautiful, but I still don't feel beautiful, and I will let you take my picture, so it's not exactly that.

People have told me that I am beautiful, and I have complicated feelings about that.

Sometimes people will tell me that I look like I have lost weight. The scale is usually not in agreement. However, when I was drawing in October I was liking my selfies more too, and I think it was because drawing made me happy. Setting aside the issue of whether the first interpretation of looking better should be an assumption of weight loss, I do think that happiness can be beautiful.

I could then take it that when people are complimenting my beauty, they are really complimenting my happiness, but that's a little patronizing. If they are better than I have been at seeing that beauty and fat are not mutually exclusive, that's really important and I should respect that. And if they care about me, and like seeing me because of that, I can appreciate that. Besides, it's like Roald Dahl says:

“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

So then it became harder to keep good thoughts, and the last three months have been very difficult. There has been frustration and grief and inability at times to get things done. I am less happy with those pictures, but then I am less happy with me. So, I need to be happy with the person I am, which means writing and drawing and being kind, but absolutely also means not staying up late playing computer games (I relapsed).

I can totally see the value of selfie sticks now, because arm's length does not always give you the best view. Maybe a new project could involve having other people take pictures of me. I don't know. I do know that this has been good for me. 

And selfies will continue, if not with the same regularity.

Selfie posts:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/03/selfies.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/03/glamour-less-shots.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/05/more-selfies.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/11/the-snow-white-selife-shoot.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2016/11/inktober.html