Monday, December 30, 2013

Authenticity


More often than you would think, I find myself exhorting young girls not to lie to their therapists and counselors. It's not because the deception keeps the professional from having the knowledge to help them, because frankly hearing their experiences has not really bolstered confidence in available mental health services.

It was more a realization that they were already too disconnected from hiding too much. Every lie they told reinforced that what they really thought and felt and wanted didn't matter. It didn't mean they should tell everyone everything, but it was important not to lie. So refusing to discuss something was fine, and I may have at times encouraged telling the professionals that they were doing lousy jobs and that the things they were suggesting were stupid, but that whatever they said needed to be true.

Honesty has been a recurring theme this year, often by its absence. The lack of honesty has been an issue in politics, and comics, and every social issue, because refusing to look at things with a clear eye is often what allows the perpetuation of the issues, so honesty is an important thing that we do for society, but I am also recognizing it more as an important thing that we do for ourselves.

This probably sounds like I am beating around the bush. That is partially true. I am nervous about doing a bad job with my overarching theme for the week, but also, making these connections is important. Looking at the big picture, it makes total sense that we need to be true to ourselves. There are countless examples of how lies erode and corrode, so it makes sense for me to apply that where we're going now, and this week is going to basically be about sexual harassment in comic culture. Some of my examples will go beyond that, but my solution is going to be centered around conventions and events. And I am nervous because there will be many opportunities for people to take offense, and if they must they must, but I want to at least write clearly enough that nothing is misinterpreted.

One of the incidents that has led to this series of posts is written up pretty well here:


There is quite a bit more to the story, because the harasser has come forward, and apologized. There were some deficiencies in the apology, and apparently some patterns, and that probably goes more with tomorrow's post, but one thing that really had me thinking was this:

"We get the hell out of there. I vent to my husband. We drive to my friend’s house and I vent to her and her partner. That evening, I distract myself with comfort food, wine and an engaging movie, and hope that I’ve gotten past it, but six hours after the panel has ended, I’m sobbing on the couch, feeling helpless and self-loathing.

I hate myself for acting like everything was fine, for not standing up for myself, for letting him disrespect me in front of all those people. Thirteen hours later, it’s the middle of the night and I’ve woken up in a rage. I’m not over it. In fact, I can’t think about anything except how victimized I feel. How there’s nothing I can do about it now."

That hit home. I know from my own experiences that when I have let others disrespect me, it haunts me, and when I have stood up for myself, I have felt proud. Sometimes there was really no difference in how the people were treating me, only in my reaction. What I have decided years later was that when I played it off or ignored it, I was essentially giving these people permission to abuse me, and so I believed what they said, and internalized it.

I was not thinking, oh, it's okay for them to do this, but at times we are taught that words don't mean anything, or that people respect you more if they can't get a rise out of you, and various other things that sound good but don't take the psychological cost into account. If you are female, you are taught over and over again to be nice and not make a fuss.

There are a lot of things that I am willing to suck up without complaining. I can work long hours in uncomfortable conditions, and I can clean up disgusting messes for loved ones, and I can let someone be very annoying if they need a listener and I accept a role in fulfilling that need. Those all have purposes where there is a good reason for the trade off. I'm not sure we do a good job of analyzing the choices involved in accepting some things.

So, the first way I could offend someone is if this is taken as victim-blaming; that is not my intent. MariNaomi handled a difficult situation with dignity, and when that did not feel like enough she has been brave and open about the experience. I will not criticize her for that. It is in that open communication that we have a description of one big cost to the current attitudes, and the current normal.

Often reading about comic culture, or gamer culture, and probably several other cultures that I am not going to get into, there are costs that we think about more than others. We do think about how overall that makes things less pleasant, and it reinforces a lack of diversity which has creative costs, and makes it harder for talented people to succeed, but right now the cost I am thinking about is personal. I am thinking about how women take abuse, and shrug it off, and are then left with this lack of resolution, and self-loathing.

What I am saying that is possibly different is that I now understand that self-loathing as being a result of feeling complicit in one's abuse. We can take an honest look at that, and reasons why it was logical and that may be helpful. We can also decide that speaking up is important, and figure out the best ways of doing that. But first, we also need to take an honest look at the other side of it.

I do ultimately believe that the truth sets us free.

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