Looking for why

I had mentioned a breakthrough that was pretty devastating a while back. I am comfortable with the issue itself now, but sharing the details feels a little tricky because those involve other people, and it's very current. Still, I'm going to try.

It relates to my church callings. I was recently called to junior nursery. If you don't know, that means that during the class portion of church (Sunday school, etc,) I am watching over the 18 - 24 month old children.

My family was greatly offended on my behalf, because they feel it's a waste of my abilities. I don't feel that's right in general, because all callings are important and you learn a lot from doing different things. This is my first calling in the primary (children's) organization ever. Spending so much time in the singles ward, which did not have a primary, sort of ensured that.

In my family's defense, there are still people who remember me as the best Gospel Doctrine teacher ever, though that's been about twelve years. As Emergency Preparedness coordinator I put out a very popular newsletter, stayed organized with the response plan, and kept track of people constantly moving in and out. They think of me as having skills that not everyone has, but those skills may not be the ones currently needed.

When we came into our current ward I was called as librarian. At least one person said she has always wanted that job because you don't have to do any work for it. I believe she meant preparation during the week, which is true. She is also kind of dumb. but I also know other people who have done it and really liked it. I grew to like it too, though at first it was frustrating because I needed to be there at exactly the same times that I would normally use for hunting down some visiting teachees who would talk if approached in person, but never responded to phone or e-mail messages. Once the route was changed that became a lot less stressful.

One thing that made that calling important to me was that I realized early on that it threw me into contact with someone that it was important to have contact with, and we have become good friends. When I got the nursery calling, I felt like there was a similar situation, putting me into contact with a person I needed to spend some time with. Having the attitude that any calling is beneath you still feels terribly wrong anyway, so of course I accepted it.

I felt like there would be benefits for me too. I like young children, and I don't get to spend a lot of time with them. No one really enjoys a screaming tantrum, but a child who just needs to be held a little bit while they whimper because they are feeling the separation from parents - that's in my wheelhouse.

At the same time, there was this creeping question of why everything that happens to me has to be for the sake of someone else. After my family protested and I told them that I thought there was a good reason for the call, one of my sisters asked that same question, and I admitted to wondering that myself.

It was weighing on me. I knew that these things that seemed to be more for others helped me too, so that was worth something, but there was this nagging feeling, wondering why my life couldn't be about me. It felt very unfair, and then the answer came: that's the only way I do it.

If something was just for me, I didn't prioritize it. It bothered me feeling like God prioritized other people over me. Realizing I set it up that way was something else.

I've made peace with that too. That gaps in my self-worth and how they play out in the rest of my life are exactly what I was working on when the calling happened. I'm not sure that I have made great progress yet - actually a train of thought from Saturday could be a pretty good argument that I haven't - but awareness is a good starting place.

There are other things about nursery that have felt hard, and yet they are getting worked out.

We use sippy cups that need to be washed every week. I was handed them for the first two weeks, but it was assumed I would just run them through the dishwasher. We don't have a dishwasher. For part of the time we take the kids to the gym. There's not a clock there. "Do you have your phone with you?"  I don't currently have a phone. We give them snacks that periodically need to be purchased. I can turn in receipts for reimbursement, but that takes weeks and I have been broke.

All of those have been working out. One person found out I didn't have a dishwasher and she has been taking the cups. I have some extra money right now where needing to buy snacks was not a problem. There might be a watch around here I can wear. It was just amazing how quickly the reminders came that I do not have things that are apparently so normal to have that no one even asks if you do. You'd expect the big reminder to be that I have never had a husband and children. I guess that's old news.

So that's where I'm at for now. It's okay. It wasn't what I expected, exactly., but it usually isn't.