Based on comments, these recent posts are really resonating, and there is a lot of trauma out there. It seems valuable then to go into my process of self-assessment, and also some resources.
I learned that Complex PTSD existed because of Kai Cole opening up about her divorce from Joss Whedon, followed by Brandon Flowers of The Killers discussing his wife's struggle with it.
https://www.thewrap.com/joss-whedon-feminist-hypocrite-infidelity-affairs-ex-wife-kai-cole-says/
While these articles are from 2017, I don't think I encountered them until 2019. I know I used "Rut" for the song of the day in September 2019, and it felt familiar.
I am pretty sure I read Kai Cole's letter first, where the trauma was in an intimate adult relationship that created a lot of self-doubt. Well, maybe the doubt instilled in her entire world and sense of reality was worse than the self-doubt, but it all relates.
(Our first lesson is that Brandon Flowers is a better husband than Joss Whedon.)
Because my relationship with my mother was so significant, and because caring for her was the majority of my existence then, and because so many times she was accusing me of lying when I was telling her the truth, that is why I worried that Complex PTSD could be a possible result for me.
No one was trying to gaslight anyone else. When she didn't believe me, I was telling her the truth. When she was telling me how horrible I was, she was just trying to get home. It felt horrible, and like no amount of time could ever take away that hurt, so I wondered.
With Tana's story - which is really a more classic case of Complex PTSD - I started to doubt whether that was applicable. I was an adult, so not still forming my personality and patterns. My mother's disconnect from reality was painful, but it was also comprehensible. I might frequently have doubts about whether I was doing the right thing, or doing it well enough, or things like that, but things she said could never make me doubt that I was her daughter, and trying to do right by her, or who was alive or dead or grown or missing.
In retrospect, my recovery period tracks more with recovery from depression and anxiety; pretty straightforward and logical.
If I have any Complex PTSD going on, it is from earlier.
I have read a book on it: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, published in 2013.
Honestly, I didn't think it was great. Though he is a therapist, the book is based more on his personal experience. It is not overly technical. If you are wondering if you have Complex PTSD, it might help you figure that out.
In looking things up for this post, I discovered another book from 1998, and I do intend to read that. I am also still waiting for another key trauma book from the library. Will they arrive before I have finished this blogging section? Will they provide more answers? I'm not sure. It's not that hard to get me to read something.
However, there is a level at which I am not too worried, because I am not sure how much the distinctions matter. For one thing, it is not impossible to have both regular and Complex PTSD. Fortunately, a lot of the same treatments are helpful for both.
I'm not denying that it is helpful to have an idea of what to call your conditions, and to understand their origins. I am a big fan of that. I am saying that you don't need to understand it to seek help; diagnosis is often included in process.
If there are things that you do where it doesn't seem like you are in control and you don't know why, that may be a sign of trauma. If you recognize a harmful pattern on your own and try and correct it but keep failing, it may have deeper roots.
Those can be reasons to look for a counselor, or to read a book, or to talk to a friend. We start where we are, but we don't have to stay there.
One of the most wonderful things about this is seeing how many different things there are that can help, where it feels like there must be something for everyone, if you can just find the right one for you.
It is harder if you don't feel you deserve to get better, or that it is not possible to get better.
My biggest message is to have hope.
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