Trauma

Before I start getting into my individual trauma, I need to deal with my reluctance to identify it as trauma.

Although you can look back historically and see instances of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) before the '70s, it didn't really become a studied and understood diagnosis until then, mostly because of it occurring with veterans of Vietnam.

That has been long enough that most people have kind of an idea of how it works: maybe you were in a life-threatening situation and you might still have flashbacks where it feels like you are reliving the situation and don't control that. That's a simplification, and there are really interesting things that we could go into about the different parts of the brain, and common factors in when it is likely to happen, but that basic idea is pretty well out there in the public.

In the past few years, I became aware of the term Complex PTSD, mostly because of Joss Whedon's divorce and new songs by The Killers. In both cases, the person who was suffering from Complex PTSD was doing so because their trauma was not from a single dangerous incident, but because of prolonged abuse from someone in a close relationship.

So, still oversimplifying, you might get regular PTSD from a rape, but Complex PTSD from repeated childhood sexual abuse.

It becomes messier, because this is someone you love, or are at least supposed to love, and instead of one clearly defined incident there is a continuing history. 

I remember first hearing the term and wondering if that could apply, and then thinking, no, that would be for bad abuse, and not relate to anything I had gone through.

I started changing my thinking about a year ago, when I first went to hear James S. Gordon speak about his book The Transformation. 

His point was that we all have trauma and that we all have to deal with it.

Well, sure, but some people still have it so much worse, right? I mean, any time I post about anything or start talking to people, the reminders are always there about how much worse things could have been. 

It is really easy to have impostor syndrome about your trauma.

I like that understanding of autism has moved more to thinking about a spectrum, but even thinking that it is a point on the line, where all of the points on the line are identical, does not give an accurate understanding. People are individuals.

For some people, the first time they lose a loved one is sad, and they mourn, but they move on with life and love. Some people have a harder time. That probably isn't just because of the death, but because of other relationships or other questions, but they get stuck in their grief, so it may take longer or hit harder, and they may need help to move on. 

That's just one example; we all face loss and hurt, and we can call it trauma. 

Maybe it would be more accurate to only use trauma for the things we haven't moved on from, but we don't always know right away. 

If there are patterns that played out over time instead of a singular event, it will be less obvious that you are caught up in that pattern. It's not a flashback in the sense that we understand it, but it can still take over your reactions.

Here's the thing: my earliest traumas were the ones I identified last. They affected how I saw the world and myself. When other things affected me later I could see those effects, but the earlier things were the foundation for my reactions. Because they were so early, and so entrenched in the background, I didn't even know that other reactions were possible.

If those of you reading learn things about me and feel compassion for me, great, but I have already done that for myself. That is why it is also fine if you come away thinking I have been overly fragile or dramatic.

I will probably get additional insights as I go through and blog about these things that I have already written about in journals and expressive writing sessions and things like that, and that is a great reason for doing it, and I am good.

But, if you find that some things sound familiar, and you can find ways that they make sense, and ways to understand better and release, forgive, heal, then that's even better.

So this post is for people who have trauma but don't feel worthy of admitting it.