Looking for better ways

Over the past few years I have mentioned a few times some accusations that I believed to be false that really bothered me. I didn't write more than that because it was not my story to tell. Tomorrow, I'm telling it. 

It's still not my story, but I feel like I need to do it, so that's the plan. 

There was another thing that made me reluctant to write about this. There can be some variation depending on whether we are specifically talking about rape or sexual harassment or something related, but regardless, statistically over 90% of the accusations are true. I have questioned whether it was harmful to focus on one of the exceptions. 

"Let the falsely accused take one of the the team!" doesn't sound quite right on its own, especially for someone you care about. In addition, the process that leave false accusations unanswered is the same one that ignores the true accusations. That can't be the answer.

I have spent time thinking about how we make things better. I don't necessarily have great, easily implemented solutions, but I am at least putting them out there.

One thing that seemed key is that to resolve a false allegation you could not have a Non-Disclosure Agreement. Those are a frequent hallmark of cases where women who have credible claims settle, so if nothing else it would give a wrong impression.

Here's the funny thing: I can't find it now, but I seem to remember reading criticism of Gloria Allred -- who handles many such cases -- for opposing an end to NDAs. 

Those agreements are the tool of the oppressor in one way, but if they also provide the incentive where someone with assets gives someone he harmed the tools to rebuild her life (it is almost always "her"), I can see how a lawyer would worry about that. 

Perhaps the answer to that is not so much more silence-bound settlements, but more tools for everyone. If we actually had universal health care and it included mental health parity, for example, and if there were not income inequality, but lots of options for different kinds of meaningful careers that were easily accessible... okay, then clearly we are entering the realms of fantasy, but do things really need to be so difficult?

Because under the current system, it is driven by power imbalances. That men are more likely to be able to accumulate wealth, that when they do they are more likely to be considered geniuses that often encourages tolerance of bad behavior, not only gives cover to powerful men but also motivation to less powerful men to assert power over someone. That is all part of rape culture. 

That men who would never rape and would probably never be physically violent to a woman still can't handle a woman blithely disagreeing with them, admit they have an issue and they think all of this talk and wanting to do something is overkill? That is also part of rape culture.

And, too often, those power dynamics are deeply entwined with who does get prosecuted, and who gets believed and who gets punished.

So, I suspect my real conclusion is that we need to move away from dominator culture, where we give up on a hierarchy that tells us whom we can dish it out to, and whom we have to take it from. That sounds like the realm of fantasy again, but it's one worth working for.

On the way, though, then an important step is listening to claims and checking them out. 

There is a hash tag #BelieveWomen. Some people criticized it as too much, because women can lie, but you could also argue that sometimes the issue isn't so much that the words are doubted as that they are ignored and not allowed to get in the way of what other people (men) want.

#ListenToWomen can be better, especially as a way of achieving balance in general when so much has been male-dominated for so long. But, if we are talking about harassment and assault, sometimes we will be listening to men, and to non-binary people. They also need to be free to come forward.

If we can decide that we do not want people to be abused, and listen when they say they are and work on that, and if we can put the well-being of victims above the comfort of their abusers, especially because we have decided that money or intelligence or physical strength don't give you the right to abuse... that is not currently reality, but it is a reality worth working for.

Recommended reading:

Teaching to Transgress: Education as the Practice of Freedom, bell hooks; Routledge 1994.

The Chalice and the Blade: Our History, Our Future, Riane Eisler; HarperOne 1987.

Catch and Kill: Lies, Spies, and a Conspiracy to Protect Predators, Ronan Farrow; Little, Brown, and Company 2019.