Classic television: Barney Miller

One sisterly project has been watching or re-watching classic television on DVDs so there are no parts missing. I use "classic" to mean that we like it, but they have mostly been from the '70s and '80s.

We just started Daria, which is more recent. Before that we finished seasons 1-5 of Designing Women. (The last two seasons of that series are not classic.)

Before that we finished Barney Miller. I have been wanting to write about it, but I wanted to finish a certain book first, and things just happen.

I really love the show, with a deep affection for most of the cast. I have to consider that such a positive portrayal of the police is fictional, but even in the context of the show, graft and racism and harassment are common not just in other cities but also in other precincts.

You can observe a deliberate effort to do good and create empathy. That is not just with a multi-racial cast but also with a wide variety of people passing through the precinct, as both crime victims and criminals, most of whom are at least somewhat sympathetic.

You can easily tell that the creative team was up on the current psychology and influenced by that.

That is where some of the weaknesses come in.

The creators were in contact with gay advocacy groups at the time, and worked with them to improve their portrayals. This led to some memorable gay characters, but there was also this attempt to work out why they were gay. 

This was true to the time. About ten years later, I still remember the sister-in-law of a young gay man telling us how he had 7 of the 8 traits that led to homosexuality, including a domineering mother. 

That's not how it works, but that definitely would have been the prevailing theory at the time, along with icebox mothers and smothering mothers.

It is worth noting that the great gay characters they showed were all white men. Diversity beyond that was harder to come by.

That still put them ahead of other shows at the time, but there were other ways in which they really could have used some conversations with women to improve those portrayals.

As it was, none of their attempts to introduce women officers worked well (Battista was the best, and may that was because being short and Puerto Rican gave her something besides being "the girl"), wife-beating was a not uncommon punch line, and they completely missed the point on marital rape.

That was probably also very much in line with the prevailing thoughts of the time, including if you spoke to psychiatrists; the psychiatrists they spoke to were almost certainly white men.

There are things that grate. 

Of course, sometimes the issue is that you are going for a laugh, and you seek it where it isn't funny.

This is where Dietrich becomes my least favorite character. Supposed to be an incredibly intelligent and informed person, he still will often say things that are completely inappropriate, simply for their comedic value. That turned out to be something racist at Yemana surprisingly often. They often made effective jokes about Nick being assumed to be Chinese when he was Japanese-American, but too often if it was coming from Dietrich it was something reducing Nick to his Asian-ness. 

Nick was so much more than that.

Dietrich was the worst part of "The Harris Incident", which covers some important ground, and still has some solid humor. 

His jokes too often ended up being cheap.

I don't intend for this to reflect badly on the actor, Steve Landesberg; it was the material he was given. It's fitting, really; Dietrich is good at annoying that Harris and this one.

This post is not just to say that the show was not perfect and that I know it was not perfect. It is worth noting that the weaknesses came from not listening enough to the marginalized, even when there was sympathy and intent to do good. This is a common problem. Even with more understanding of how racism is part of a structure, and not just a personal feeling, we often don't do enough to work through that.

I also wanted to go over the show in general before focusing on one specific episode that has a subtle but important point, and was also very funny.

Next Friday!

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/06/7-television-shows-to-get-to-know-me.html

A hard ask

I don't like asking for things in general.

I'm sure some of that is feminine socialization. More of it might be the specific inferiority complex that I picked up from my childhood, where I knew that we were poor and felt like I was a nuisance. 

As much progress as I have made, a lot of that lingers. "Leaning in" would be difficult.

Obviously, being in worse financial circumstances now, that is going to come up more.

There were some battles with my sisters over the years, but we have worked through that, where I can ask them for help now, though I do try and limit it. They are going to get the brunt of the garnishment, especially Julie.

There was something else that I had to do. 

Somewhere between where I knew the garnishment was coming and before it started, I was asked to help a friend with updating his resume and generating a cover letter. He said he would pay.

I did not say that he did not have to pay, but I also did not set any specifics because I was not planning on charging him.

There are a few reasons for that. Certainly, if people need help job hunting, I am generally assuming they don't have money to spare. If you're my friend I want to help you. Also, I don't have any special expertise in job hunting materials. Any ability I have with that comes from my language skills and knowledge of psychology, but the last time I was actually taught how to do it was Personal Finance class in high school, meaning I always have to check current trends when starting a new one. 

Is it even reasonable to charge for that?

(Internet research also revealed that those who do charge ask for $125 to $175 for a cover letter. That seems high for the amount of effort required.)

Another development related to Maria often asking me to do things for her. They are usually more busywork or artwork for her classroom, and says she will pay. Historically I have not pressed, and often payment was forgotten.

Lately I have been having her pay. If it is actually worth something to her, why not?

So it occurred to me that I needed to ask for payment for the cover letter.

I hated doing that so much. Even just writing about it now -- when I have already received the money and spent it -- my stomach knots up thinking about it.

It's not his fault. He agreed, sent the money quickly, and would have paid more if I had pressed. (Obviously, I did not charge $175.)

I think it was important to do. I don't like it. I may have to do more of it.

I know some people have this philosophy that everything happens for a specific reason for you... I don't. A bunch of free agents crashing around within the structures that were built by previous generations creates plenty of opportunities. Sometimes the reason is that some people are just jerks.

However, I also believe in the possibility of divine intervention, and frequent guidance, and I believe we should learn things from our experiences.

I may have an issue I need to resolve.

Daily Songs 1995 - 1999

I do still like periodically exploring songs by decade. I do still remember some of these songs from back when they were new. 

Some of these I remember from movie or television ads, or in rare cases my sisters played them.

Real McCoy and Gin Blossoms were great discoveries when I got back from my mission and back into college. "Macarena" I know because they taught us how to do it at a dorm meeting, so I got in on that one a little early, while it was still mainly in clubs.

It was fun sharing "Barbie Girl" shortly after seeing the movie. If I'd seen the movie sooner, I might have used "Push" instead of "3AM" for 1996. I did use "Closer to Fine" for 1989, but that was over a year ago now.

The big difference I found this time is that I could not manage to go through and listen to all the unfamiliar songs. I tried.

It is not necessarily that there are fewer songs that I like during the second half of the 90s, though that could be an influence. It is more that I did not have the time and patience to make the effort. Life got too hard.

I don't know if I will ever get back to reviewing bands, let alone two a week. Maybe I don't need to know what songs were from what year, and be able to recognize all the hits.

I will still always be thinking about music.

Daily Songs

8/1 “Run Away” by Real McCoy
8/2 “Til I Hear It From You” by Gin Blossoms
8/3 “Roll To Me” by Del Amitri
8/4 “Gangsta's Paradise” by Coolio
8/5 “Kiss From A Rose” by Seal
8/6 “In the House of Stone and Light” by Martin Page
8/7 “I Know” by Dionne Farris
8/8 “As I Lay Me Down” by Sophie B. Hawkins
8/9 “Good” by Better Than Ezra
8/10 “Runaway” by Janet Jackson

1996

8/11 “Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix)” by Los Del Rio
8/12 “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman
8/13 “Counting Blue Cars” by Dishwalla
8/14 “Follow You Down” by Gin Blossoms
8/15 “Name” by Goo Goo Dolls
8/16 “Only Wanna Be With You” by Hootie & the Blowfish
8/17 “3AM” by Matchbox Twenty
8/18 “One Headlight” by Wallflowers
8/19 “Breakfast At Tiffany's” by Deep Blue Something
8/20 “Missing” by Everything But The Girl

1997

8/21 “MMMBop” by Hansen
8/22 “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind
8/23 “Barely Breathing” by Duncan Sheik
8/24 “When You're Gone” by The Cranberries
8/25 “Sonny Came Home” by Shawn Colvin
8/26 “Barbie Girl” by Aqua
8/27 “When You Love a Woman” by Journey
8/28 “Unbreak My Heart” by Toni Braxton
8/29 “Foolish Games” by Jewel
8/30 “Where Do You Go” by No Mercy

1998

8/31 “All For You” by Sister Hazel
9/1 “Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden
9/2 “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies
9/3 “The Mummer's Dance” by Loreena McKennit
9/4 “I Don't Want To Wait” by Paula Cole
9/5 “How's It Going To Be” by Third Eye Blind
9/6 “Bitter Sweet Symphony” by The Verve
9/7 “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba
9/8 “The One I Gave My Heart To” by Aaliyah
9/9 “Closing Time: by Semisonic

1999

9/10 “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer
9/11 “Every Morning” by Sugar Ray
9/12 “Slide” by Goo Goo Dolls
9/13 “Learn To Fly” by Foo Fighters
9/14 “Fly Away” by Lenny Kravitz
9/15 “Unpretty” by TLC
9/16 “She's So High” by Tal Bachman
9/17 “Amazed” by Lonestar
9/18 “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind
9/19 “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan

You got to have friends

The post title is also the title of Episode 12 of Designing Women Season 4, when some missed child support payments reduce Mary Jo to working at Burger Guy.

Despite the absence of Suzanne and only a brief glimpse of Charlene, the episode is well-written and funny. It should have been possible to still have funny, well-written episodes after Season 5, but I digress.

There are two things that have been causing me to think more about friendship, separate from my need for more money.

One was the death of a resident in Mom's facility.

Actually, he first stood out because he was so young to be so far advanced, but he was often sitting next to Mom when I would visit. 

Jeff died about a week after Mom was going in and out of the hospital and being admitted into hospice, so there was a lot going on. I looked for him out of habit, and he wasn't there. Then there was a different name on his door, and we found the obituary.

The staff won't really tell you things about other residents (which is reasonable), but I did mention finding the obituary to one of the staff. I said that we didn't talk much but we did some because he was often sitting next to Mom when I would come by. The worker did tell me one story. Once when Mom was crying, Jeff came over to comfort her and tell her it was going to be all right. He told her "Don't tell anyone, but you're my favorite."

I wonder if that was something he would tell his kids when they were sad.

Mom's roommate has told me how much she likes "Ju-Ju", and how sweet she is. Now, it is always possible to wonder how much any of the residents are clearly remembering, but saying how sweet Mom is... that's literally what everyone says about her, with or without dementia. 

It has also been said by the daughter and son-in-law of another resident, about whom Mom has said, with a big smile, "I like him!"

So yes, there are definitely things they don't remember and can't recognize, and yet these relationships do matter. That is touching and sweet, and also sad because they are all going to disappear. I don't know how well that will be processed, or how long or how much the gap will be felt.

The other thing was this article:

https://www.insider.com/how-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult-arranged-friendships-2023-7

The article is worth reading, but briefly, a woman who had relocated shortly after having a baby had a hard time making friends in her new area. She did many activities and met many people, but those acquaintances did not turn into friendships. Eventually -- along similar principles to arranged marriages -- she asked some women whom she thought would be good fits to be friends, and it worked out.

As she talked about this more, other woman would ask her for advice. Frequently it was not so much about meeting new friends, but changing existing friend relationships, making them more intentional.

My dearest friends mostly come from shared circumstances. Maybe we went to school together or church together, but I have gone to school and church with a lot of people that I don't cherish, even if I have nothing against them. Something clicked where we built a stronger bond.

Otherwise, often my social life has been more about my coworkers. Sometimes there are ones I really love, but then when we don't work together we often lose touch.

There have been friends that I have had for shorter times, and that was okay.

There have been friends who meant more to me than I did to them, and probably vice versa.

Often, a lot of it happens by chance, and that is probably not ideal.

As it is, I do remember suggesting to one of my friends that we make a point of talking on the phone once a month, or something like that. We liked the idea and nonetheless failed to keep it up. I don't doubt the caring, but life is busy -- sometimes in very soul-crushing ways -- and it is hard. 

I believe one factor is proximity to other people. Most of my friends have husbands or children (or both) , and I have my sisters. That means if we don't see each other for a few months, we are not bereft, but it also makes it easier to let the months go by. 

People who live alone but rely on people in bigger households may end up more isolated, especially since the pandemic started.

I don't want to lose touch with the people I love, but it takes effort. Maintaining contact may end up lower on the list of things requiring effort, given that it is only something I want to do as opposed to something I am obligated to do.

I noticed in the article that these seem to be primarily friend groups, generally of around six people. That was the exact size of my main junior high group. Do the numbers matter?

I don't have any answers here; I am just thinking about it.

It may be hampered by a recurring reluctance on my part to impose. "Hey! We should be talking more!"

However, in the course of getting together, it may not hurt to ask if they would like more. Here are our patterns; does this work for you? We can be intentional.

As for asking in general, that will come up again.

Black Music Month + For the Birds = Charlie Parker?

Honestly, I find it hard to believe that I wrote all of those Black Music Month 2023 posts and completely ignored two books about "Yardbird" (or "Bird"), Charlie Parker.

But I did.

Chasin' the Bird: Charlie Parker in California by Dave Chisholm with Pete Markowski

Kansas City Lightning: The Rise and Times of Charlie Parker by Stanley Crouch

It would have made sense if I had remembered when I was writing about jazz, but Parker is not so avant-garde that he makes my skin crawl. 

I guess I didn't remember because I had not chosen to read them as part of the planned month.

Back when I was in college, I attended a conversation between Stanley Crouch and Wynton Marsalis, and I spoke to them afterwards. I have been interested in Crouch's work ever since.

The funny part is I think I remember even back then him mentioning researching Parker; did he spend over a decade researching the book? Not impossible.

I believe what happened is that I came across Chisholm's book -- a graphic novel -- by accident, and then decided it was time to read Kansas City Lightning.

From reading the two close together, they give very different views of Parker. 

This is partly inevitable, as they cover very different time periods. Crouch focuses on Parker's early life and musical development, while Chisholm's book focuses on an established musician spending time in California (as the title suggests).

It would not be impossible for similar books about a different person to feel like a natural, connected sequence, but that is not the case with Parker's life. The "Chasin'" may be the most important part of Chisholm's title. 

Using the analogy of the blind men and the elephant, Chisholm focuses on a few different people attending a show. They already know Parker, with various levels of complication in their relationships, and none of them are completely sure that he will show. 

Parker may be unusually hard to know. Whether that is a part of his genius, or his genius is just the reason people tolerate some of his inscrutability is hard to answer. Many of the glimpses we see are fascinating, and not mean-spirited, but also not reliable.

Parker is far from the only jazz player to be like that. He might be the most interesting, but then maybe if we could know more, that would look different again.

I often say that there is always more to know. That is true not just because as I take in more information I am aware of additional holes in my information, but also because reading more than one book on a subject shows different facets and interpretations where apparent conflicts are not automatically invalid. 

The point that becomes clear to me from just these two books is that there isn't always a remedy for what you don't know. Sometimes you can't know.

At least not on this side.

Good talks

The insight mentioned in the previous post would not have happened without conversations with my sisters.

We have gotten better at this, though it took a while. 

The first time I asked anyone about anything related to Mom's condition and eventual death, the answers I received ranged from no responses to "I don't know."

More recently, we were talking about visiting. I said that they don't have to visit Mom -- she does not really know if they are or not -- but one day she will die, and we may not get much warning; they will have to decide what will help them be okay with that. 

Julie told one of her friends about that, and got the response, "Wow, Gina's really mean."

Obviously, but I was just trying to be practical.

Still more recently, we were talking about some concerns that someone else was having due to an elderly relative in bad health. I had answers. I had researched all of that and had notes. That is the "Death List".

That led to talking about notifications. I have notes on that too. There are people I will call, and people who will get e-mail or Facebook messages. One point of contact can take care of telling people from church. For one friend, we will tell her daughter so she can decide if her mother is up to it, and would benefit from knowing. Our mother isn't the only one whose health is deteriorating.

There is an order that it needs to be done in, because there are some people who will proclaim it loudly and insensitively. Other people would be hurt finding out like that, and no one needs worse pain.

As we were talking about it this time, they thought of a friend of theirs who would be hurt if she did not hear it from them. 

I had never thought of that aspect. My thoughts went to family members and friends of Mom, but what about my friends?

I mean, it's been a few years since I made the Death List anyway; it's probably due for revamping. 

I momentarily got optimistic that some of those questions that were not answered back then could be answer now.  

They still don't know. That's okay, this is hard.

Still, seeing that we do talk better now, and that we have meaningful conversations way more often than we used to, and also being reminded that we have different perspectives so they will think of things that I would not... all of that let me know that I needed to run some of these ideas about my feelings about Mom by them. 

They did not immediately get what I was asking, but that eventually led me to see that I had been thinking about it in a way that wasn't quite right either. 

I had thought and written before we talked, and I did more writing and thinking after, but that conversation was needed.

We don't do this alone.

For the birds! (reading month)

It all started when my sister noticed a new exhibit:

"Celebrating Birds of the Pacific Northwest", at the Oregon Historical Society, through November 26th, 2023

https://www.ohs.org/museum/exhibits/celebrating-birds-of-the-pacific-northwest.cfm 

It's just photos of local birds, but we like birds and we like OHS, so we were definitely going to go.

It occurred to me, though, that I might get more enjoyment out of it if I read this other book on my reading list first: 

Must-See Birds of the Pacific Northwest: 85 Unforgettable Species, Their Fascinating Lives, and How to Find Them by Sarah Swanson and Max Smith

I know that was a good selection because one of the first photos I saw was of a Green Heron -- featured in the book -- and I recognized it instantly. Previously I had not been familiar with it. 

Also common between the book and the exhibit, while being new to me, were Townsend's Warblers, Lazuli Buntings, and Tundra Swans. They are all now in the spreadsheet of local places where one might see them.

There were some gorgeous photos. One might think that the Wood Duck was over-represented; whereas each other species appears in one shot, there are three of the Wood Duck. However, they are really good pictures. One shows the bird from the back, on the water, with wings spread, and it's almost abstract.

So I do recommend the exhibit, and it goes well with that book, which is available through the Washington County Library System.

However, I am the type to get easily pulled into things. I happened to remember these two other bird books that I also ended up reading before we went to the exhibit:

Gifts of the Crow: How Perception, Emotion, and Thought Allow Smart Birds to Behave Like Humans by John Marzluff and Tony Angell

The Thing With Feathers: The Surprising Lives of Birds and What They Reveal About Being Human by Noah Strycker 

The crow book is strongly grounded in neurology. That higher level of difficulty may not appeal to everyone, but Corvids are so charming that it creates a lot of appeal.

Strycker is a Eugene native, and his book is a collection of essays focusing on one trait, and one bird species used to explore it. Some of the essays are quite moving. 

While I was reading those, I remembered one other book. I did not get to read it until after we saw the exhibit, but I had already checked it out by then.

Feathers: The Evolution of a Natural Miracle by Thor Hanson

Hanson is also a resident of the Pacific Northwest, though a bit further North. He explores the design and features and functions of the feather, which is quite miraculous. 

It may have been the best of the books.

I don't know how much I was thinking of these other books while at the exhibit, but they were interesting and reading them closely together does seem to help the information settle in my mind.

This is why I also watched a webinar on the electric grid and bird issues:

"Birds and Transmission: West Region Webinar" by Audubon Rockies

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07yE_8imVjA

(This was less bird-centric, but relates to sustainability which is important to me.)

However, if I am going to mention bird books I have read, I really need to mention one more:

Peterson Guide to Bird Identification --- in 12 Steps by Steve N.G. Howell and Brian L. Sullivan (2018)

Normally field guides are for a specific area and the expected species, but this is going back a step before, or maybe a step forward, to help you use those field guides more effectively. 

All of which may beg the question, am I a bird watcher?

No. I do not go out looking for birds. I do look for everything when I am out and about, and I want to know what I see. Therefore, when a Wilson's Warbler appeared in our yard and I could not recognize it, we made a trip to the Audubon Society on Cornell where a big part of my motivation was finding out what that little yellow bird was. (And it worked!)

Reading about those 85, they were all ones that could be seen in Oregon, but many of them could be seen right around here. I started not wanting to forget, which is why I started adding it to a spreadsheet. I thought that maybe I should start tracking at least the ones in the spreadsheet down.

That is probably a bit less than half of them, because some would be much harder to find, but I have about 40 that should be very doable, and yet...

I can see myself becoming totally obsessive about this. I don't really need that. 

I am not going to do anything with it right away.

For another point of interest, one of the Must-See birds was the Sooty Shearwater, which has a long migratory route. I started wondering if those were the birds we saw when we were on Phillip Island for the Penguin Parade. Apparently, though, those were Short-Tailed Shearwaters, which do sometimes end up on the Oregon Coast, but less commonly.

There are ways in which the world is both big and small.

The next mourning

Getting back to CODA... the title is an acronym for child of deaf adults. These particular adults have two children, a son who is also deaf, and the protagonist, Ruby, who hears and who also loves to sing.

One of the scenes that stuck with me was the family attending a choir performance. A friend tells them that Ruby is good, and they can see other people being moved, and they can clap when they see the other people clapping, but there is so much that they miss.

It occurred to me that they could have had someone signing as an accommodation, but it felt terrible to me that they could not share this important aspect of Ruby's life.

Then, that is not completely true either. Ruby's father is a fan of rap, loving the bass lines. Later, he is able to feel the vibrations of Ruby's singing by putting his fingers along her throat, and she does sign a song for them during her Berklee audition. 

Beyond that, they are a really connected family who love and support each other, as well as annoying each other in very normal ways. As the one who can hear, Ruby has a lot of responsibility, which grates on her, but has also given her confidence and growth.

It appears to have been the right film at the right time.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/08/black-music-month-2023-serendipity.html

Incidentally, I still cry at movies pretty easily, especially with home and family topics. There isn't that feeling of being overwhelmed to the point of hysteria, but the tears are still there.

Some of my frustration with my mother had been that I felt like she never really understood me. At least that was how I perceived it. 

There has actually been a lot of increased understanding there as recently as Saturday. It does still feel like it can be hard to explain. On the plus side, most of it ends up relating more to my father, which helps with some of the guilt.

I mentioned long ago how my sisters and I tend to over-explain things. We realized once while talking together that it was because of our father. He was easily offended so we would try and make it clear that we were not blaming or insulting or anything like that, but it never worked. That was because he was so determined that nothing could ever be his fault, and he was a jerk. 

Mom was not like that, but I still never felt understood by her. Some of that was probably that we were in fact pretty different, but that had its own similarities. 

Mom obsessed about cleaning the way I do about reading. There was a level on which I thought part of the problem with her not getting me was related to her not being interested in the intellectual, but it's not that she was unintelligent either. 

Those were very different interests, but I see now some similarity in how it functioned for us. I have kind of thought (and still do) that as I gain knowledge about everything, that is how I will be able to understand and fix things. That's how I try to establish safety and comfort. 

For Mom, housekeeping was something she knew how to deal with. She could not make her husband be kind or respectful or faithful, and she had limited control over her children, but she was an amazing housekeeper. I think it gave her a similar assurance. I can't blame her for that.

I know she worried about being stupid, and about not being a good mother, so she would hear those things even if they weren't being said; the same way I heard her nagging me for having a cluttered room and being fat more than she actually said it. 

That made it hard to face the lack I felt from her; it didn't make her a bad mother, but it related to her mothering of me. Then if it did come down to the intellectual difference, what an incredible jerk I would be to hold that against her.

She would want things from me that were hard to give, and not seem to acknowledge that. A lot of that was shortly after coming home from my mission and then after college, when I was newly working and the bulk of my money was going to family needs. It felt wrong to resent it, and I wanted to help, but it was so frustrating. 

Then, I remember once she was mad I was leaving on a vacation; I filled up three yard debris containers trying to get those stupid butterfly bushes (never plant those) into some semblance of order, and it wasn't enough.

The refrain that would come up in various family arguments would be whether I needed endless thanks or praise, which again, makes it sound like I am impossible, but honestly, there weren't many thank you's or compliments. Shouldn't there have been some?

But we were not a family that did that. We didn't really even say "hello" or "goodbye" as people came and went.

I knew that Mom's philosophy was that you correct your kids, but that they should know the good stuff about themselves and you don't need to tell them that. I also knew that was pretty common, and thought about it when observing her family. 

There's a limit to what you can know watching other people -- even extended family -- but it occurred to me that there was so much evident warmth and love that maybe they didn't state those things vocally, and everyone just knew.

My problem was that I didn't know. 

There was a level at which I liked myself and didn't want to be anyone different. I don't know how that happened, but I am grateful for it. 

There was also a deep sense of there being something wrong with me that I didn't know how to fix, except by trying to fix everything for everyone else first. Then maybe I would be worthy, except not if I didn't lose weight.

That mostly came from Dad, though certainly others contributed. 

The understanding I wanted from Mom was for her to fix that.

While I can see how thank yous and compliments could feel like they would help with that, I don't know that any compliment could have been big enough.  

I know she loved me and was proud of me, even if I didn't feel it. I don't think she could have fixed that on her own, and I can make peace with that.

I understand that might sound kind of horrific, but I swear I felt a weight lift off of me when I did realize it, like maybe the compression was removed on a few vertebrae.

We are not ideal people -- certainly no one with the last name Harris is -- but I believe in healing.

I also believe that emotional intelligence is worth pursuing.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/08/more-about-my-mother.html

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2023/08/unlimited-carry-on.html

Black Music Month 2023: Final Thoughts

I can't help but feel like using that "final thoughts" is setting me up to have subsequent thoughts. 

As it is, there are things that I know I could include with this reading segment (which ended up spanning much more than a month), but I am not because I think they will go with other things better. 

Right to Rock: The Black Rock Coalition and the Cultural Politics of Race by Maureen Mahon
Black Diamond Queens: African American Women and Rock and Roll by Maureen Mahon
Rip It Up: The Black Experience in Rock 'n' Roll by Kandia Crazy Horse
Blues People: Negro Music in White America by Amiri Baraka 

First of all, let me say how much I enjoyed discovering Maureen Mahon, especially in the way it happened. I read Right to Rock (2004) which came from her student experiences, and then saw references to Black Diamond Queens (2020) and decided to read that. 

I enjoyed her writing anyway, but in that order, seeing someone still preparing for their career, and then more established, and knowing also that they are fairly young and that there could be new works coming... that was really cool. Often as I am reading something I wonder what they would think of later developments, but here there is the chance of continuing to learn.

These last four books are bound by a common thread. It would be easy to call it music snobbery, but there is more to it than that.

Chronologically, it would start with Blues People, where there is a divide between which Black people appreciate blues versus jazz, or other types of music. It is roughly a matter of highbrow or lower class. Blues can be very sexual, and so polite company might feel awkward about it, but there was an influence from what was perceived as white taste and respectability.

Moving forward, when we get into rock, then there is at times this sense that rock is for white people. Yes, white people are notorious for automatically classifying music as R&B or Hip Hop if the performers are Black, but sometimes that was reflected back at Black rockers, even though it was a craft that white people stole from Black people anyway.

Now, there is an interesting class distinction there too. Transcending race, "garage rock" requires a garage, or somewhere a beginning band can practice and play and be loud, which is easier to find when you have more space.

Then, of course (especially in Mahon's work) there is the sexism and misogyny and misogynoir that women get when they are trying to succeed in a "man's" world.

Those are not the only factors; one things that seems to be a real obstacle to acceptance is being too different from the other contemporary music. Having some similarities but putting a new spin on them can work well, but some sounds were so different they were outright rejected; a few years later they might have worked.

Often, though, race and gender were obstacles to success, or were held against musicians socially, and generally made life more difficult.

Obviously, tastes vary, and that's fine. There may still be great value in listening again, and examining that tendency to reject.

Sometimes it is racist or classist or sexist, or even all of the above.

We don't need that.