Pre-NAHM reading

When I was writing up the 2013 Native American Heritage Month reading, I mentioned that there were three books I wanted to read before, because I felt like they might relate. I have read them all now. They did not relate the way I thought they might, but that doesn't make it a loss.

Two of the books were Ken Kesey novels: One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and Sometimes A Great Notion.

I have mixed feelings about Kesey. There are strong ties between him and the University of Oregon. I have seen him speak there, and I felt very warmly to him. I never met him, but I have met people who knew him and loved him, and they are people I love, so I guess there is a transitive property there. I also disagree with him about things.

I know you're thinking it's the drugs, but it's not only that. That part doesn't come up in the books that I have read so far.

One thing that frustrates me is a sort of naivete about sex. I remember thinking about this earlier looking in one of the volumes of Spit In The Ocean, but it came up in both books. Prostitution and statutory rape are treated as relatively innocent, when they can be very damaging. That bothers me.

The language use bothers me. There is some racist language in Cuckoo's Nest, but there is also an understanding that if the orderlies are brutal, there are reasons for it. However, in Notion, the white characters are constantly calling each other the N-word and "coon". It is insulting, but playful, the way that a lot of contemporary men use "fag" and "gay".

They will tell you that they don't mean it that way, but I think we have enough celebrities who have lashed out at paparazzi using that as an insult to indicate that at least on one level those words are used as insults. Does that mean that the users really do have contempt for those who actually are homosexual? Are they comfortable with that? If not, that's probably a good reason to quit using those words as casual insults.

Jonah Hill's apology for when he did it was pretty good - more focus on apologizing than on proving that he wasn't a bad person (which is actually more effective) - and I want to reiterate something he said in it"

"Words have weight and meaning..."

They do.

I don't doubt that the language that Kesey replicates was common for the time. If you want to convey that time and place accurately, that might be a reason to use it, but I also understand there was a problem with it. It was built on lies that were harmful, and it perpetuated that. That really bothers me.

So I am reading those things, and bothered by them, and yet I don't believe that Kesey was particularly racist. I also know that while there was this idea of "free love", a lot of the people who were around then ended up having pretty conventional families with long-lasting marriages and children and a structure that probably looked a lot like the families of those who hated the dirty hippies.

It leaves me always wanting to read more. That's not necessarily because I like the writing so much. Both stories moved me, and the writing in Cuckoo's Nest worked pretty well for me. Yes, things are weird at times, since you are viewing it through the eyes of a mental patient, but I thought it worked.

Notion was hard to get into. The present tense is used, and there are jumps between viewpoints and times. There was about a thirty-page adjustment period that was really hard, and then I got into it, but I would never choose that for pleasure reading. I like more clarity.

And I guess that's why I want to read more. My relationship to Kesey is reader-author, but I think of him as a person, and so I want to know, did he believe that? Did he really think that? Did he see various nuances? Maybe the next book will tell me.

There is one thing that I really appreciate about him though. Many novelists think that literature needs to end with the often miserable death of the character. I can see why they do. Everyone dies, and so a traditional happy ending might feel like you are ignoring mortality, and the fact that the happiest ending is only temporary.

As much as I get that, there can be really good times before that. There are arcs in your life where something is achieved and resolved and you are still alive at the end. Then more things happen, but still, there are positive conclusions. So while ignoring mortality is dishonest in one way, morbidity isn't honest either.

Therefore I appreciate that the protagonists are left with a chance. You don't know what will happen to Chief Bromden as he leaves the hospital. You don't know if the river run will be successful, but in that case knowing would kind of ruin it, either way. There have been deaths, grueling ones, but there is still life too.

I did appreciate that.

The Comic Reading List, Part 1

This is not a list of comics I want to read, though that is also a thing.

As I started seeing more story ideas as comics, and wanted to be able to draw them, I also started building up a list of books that I believed would be helpful. I started reading them, and then I realized it was too soon to get to many of them. This was disappointing, but every phase has its own charms, and I can adjust to that.

I did start worrying that at some point when I do read the others, and it is time to put it all together and evaluate it, that these first few read would be lost. If I write about them now then I have done some of the analysis, and I will have a record of it, so hey, as a little diversion from the heavy stuff, here are some books I read on a topic that I am not done studying!

How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way by Stan Lee and John Buscema

I'm not sure how much adherence to the Marvel style is still expected of current Marvel artists, but I think the book provides a good perspective on comic art in general and an understanding of the historic look. It combines basic drawing principles like lines of sight and proportions, but also the face shapes and the poses that were specific to Marvel. It's a pretty easy read, and kind of fun too. If you are not interested in drawing but a fan of classic comics I think you will still find it entertaining.

Marvel Comics: The Untold Story by Sean Howe:

Once upon a time I would say that anyone who wanted to work in comics should read the How to Draw book. If you wish to work in comics anywhere, there's a lot to be said for reading The Untold Story too.

There is a lot of interesting information, though the telling is unfortunately dry. However, if you are interested in the industry it is worth reading it anyway to be aware of some of the types of people you will encounter, the frustrations that are likely, and it would be wise to take note of the many early deaths that seem to be a result of the horrible stress and pressures. I'm not saying not to work in comics - just enter informed so you can have some guards and escape valves in place.

Figure Drawing For All It's Worth by Andrew Loomis

Professional artists love his books, and I have a few more of his on my list. This particular one is just what the title says. It is focusing on drawing the human figure and focusing on it specifically for commercial purposes, like advertising and magazine illustrations. That industry has probably changed too, but the basic ideas on proportions and making poses dynamic is certainly still relevant. He does use very idealized figures, but if you take that information and still attend life drawing sessions on a regular basis where you are seeing other types of bodies, it should work out.

FYI, everyone is mostly naked, including on the cover. It's not salacious, but yeah, lots of nudity. My sister picked up the copy I had on hold, and she was embarrassed.

Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain by Betty Edwards

This was my absolute favorite. You learn so much about the brain, and how it perceives. So yes, there is drawing information but it is not only that. I have not ruled out buying the book, or taking one of the live sessions if an opportunity comes up. One thing you will see is that drawing is a good thing to do, and using the right side of the brain to do it is a good thing, regardless of your livelihood. That was fascinating. I read the 4th edition which has updates as science learns more about brain function, so while I am sure the older versions have a lot of the information, look for the newer version.

There were nine books total, so I am not quite halfway through, and I'm not sure when I will get back to them, but there's always something interesting going on, and I guess it can't all happen at once.

For anyone interested, the unread drawing books are listed below:

The Art of Comic Book Inking by Gary Martin

Draw 50 Famous Cartoons by Lee Ames

Creative Illustrations by Andrew Loomis

Successful Drawing by Andrew Loomis

Words for Pictures by Brian Michael Bendis

Band Review: The Band of Strangers

In honor of a new "Grimm" tonight (after leaving things at an interesting point, like they usually to do), I thought this would be a good time to review The Band of Strangers. They were recommended by Bree Turner, who plays Rosalee on the show and singer Ryan Saliman's sister-in-law in real life.

The Band of Strangers is an Alt Country Rock/American band. Working out of Los Angeles, they were first started in New York. That seems appropriate for a band with such far-flung roots. Simply going over their bio page, Saliman (who also plays guitar and writes songs) has ties to Colorado before New York, Lianne Ward (instruments and vocals) is from Massachusetts, guitarist Johnny Abella has roots in the Philippines and Pennsylvania, drummer Chris Lovejoy was raised in Texas between being born in and returning to New York, and bassist Matt DelVecchio is said to have taken his music around the world and back, which definitely includes Japan, England, Portugal, and school in Miami.

(I do not know if there is any relation between Matt DelVecchio and Dan DelVecchio of Face The King. Maybe.)

Most of the band members are listed as playing multiple instruments, and you will occasionally notice different sounds coming through. With the range of expertise and experience among the members, they have a fair amount of options open for how to fill in the sounds.

Currently there is a 6-track EP available, with songs that dip into country, blues, and folk. The most Americana-esque song may be "Bait N' Pole" which references "The Crawdad Song", an American classic, but updates it with rock guitar and possibly some innuendo. Songs like "Help" and "When the Light Gets In" kind of give me a Gospel feeling, though it is not a Gospel sound (which is I guess why I'm calling it folk).

My overall favorite track was "The Black Bird Song", which stirred my emotions musically and has a video with some pretty cool animation, so check that out.

Music is available on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/when-the-light-gets-in-ep/id649989038

http://thebandofstrangers.com/

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Band-of-Strangers/601204156561596

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8I3DGHv1SKij6vlOgF9DdQ

https://twitter.com/bandofstranger5/following

Band Review: Words & Noises

Time for another Manchester band! Today it is Pop/Rock duo Words & Noises.

The first thing that I noticed on listening is that I had already heard "Forget Me Not", having checked it out when the band released a link to the video. It had been a while, but I instantly recognized the catchy tune.

While "Forget Me Not" is probably their most pop sound, it is not the sound that I most associate with them after listening to the catalog multiple times. There is more of a tendency toward the intellectual and cerebral, like "The Lost Art of Conversation", and even the mournful, like "Love Is A Loaded Gun."

Those ended up leaving strong impressions, while tracks like "Beating Heart" and "Londinium" sped up and left completely different feelings, and "Deceive" brought in some groove. For all of that, the voice came through very clearly. This is a band that thinks about different things and is interested in different things, but still has a strong sense of self.

There are not currently any upcoming shows listed, but there will be a new single released on April 26th, available to press, radio, and Soundcloud.

http://www.wordsandnoises.com/

https://www.facebook.com/WordsAndNoises

https://soundcloud.com/wordsandnoises

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHCFrj3E-ZIIZC01FUKeFxg

https://twitter.com/wordsandnoises

The problem with "Run Warren Run"

The worst thing about being politically and socially aware is that it gets me a lot of e-mail. You write to a senator, sign a petition, or contribute to a cause, and your inbox gets inundated. I realize it's possible to unsubscribe, but that's a hassle, and maybe sometimes I want stay informed, for at least some of them. It's frustrating.

Anyway, I get a lot of email. Often I will hear about the same issue from multiple sources, and a lot of sources are all about getting Elizabeth Warren to run, despite her saying that she will not run. I wasn't paying a lot of attention, but I am doing so more now after seeing a few things.

I guess I already had in mind that the reason people want her so badly is because she seems so radical. Even traditional Democratic candidates end up upholding the existing structure, which is easy to do once you become part of it. I understand the belief that Warren would not give into that, which is nice, but I question how fun it would be for her with the kind of opposition that President Obama has been getting. I think he would like to be at least somewhat more radical than he has been, and it is not completely his fault that he can't.

So that was in mind, and then I read someone (I can't remember whom) tweeting about how presidents go gray, and he was suggesting it was due to the lives they were responsible for. You become president, and you become a killer.

Warren's focus has been on economic issues, and that's what people love her for. The president also has to deal with diplomacy and war and the CIA and many other things. For someone who has a strong focus, it may be easier to pursue that focus in the legislative branch via committees and drafting bills. It is possible that someone who has been working with the system for a while now may have the best idea of where she can be most effective and what will work best for her.

That is where the patronizing tone of some of these boosters becomes so disturbing, and that leads to the other thing I read:

http://www.shakesville.com/2014/10/i-have-problem-with-this.html

I was struck by the irony of a voting bloc that is theoretically pro-choice and pro-gender equality feeling so comfortable planning on coercing a woman into doing something she doesn't want to do. And sure, they can say they think she will change her mind and want to run, but "she only thinks she doesn't want it" is not really an improvement.

It reminds me of what happened when Jessica Williams announced that she didn't want to host "The Daily Show". Sure, she has actually worked in that environment and so would have a reasonable idea of the job description. Yes, the reasoning that she gave made a lot of sense, and seemed to be part of a greater plan for gaining experience in a timely manner that would result in her having the career she wanted rather than the one other people felt she should have, but no, she must lean in!

I'm not saying no one can ever have good advice for anyone else, but a big part of my personal growth has been not just learning to listen to my inner voice but especially learning that my voice matters. I know things about me that you can't.

It does seem that this well-intended "encouragement" is more likely to be aimed at women than at men, and that is annoying. Okay, not everyone gets that women are people yet, but yes, we have minds and we can make decisions for ourselves. Specifically, Jessica Williams and Elizabeth Warren have both done pretty well for themselves. Let's respect their judgment.

If you want a better candidate for president, there's still time to work on that. I know that there isn't anyone who captures the progressive imagination quite as well as Warren right now, but on the plus side, all the purported Republican contenders are horrible. That sounds dangerous, but it works in our favor, so don't despair.

Mormon girl

Faith and religion helped me through my hard times. The two can represent different things, and they are intertwined, but they were both important for me.

I want to communicate clearly about this. It's very important to me, and I have been seeing more anti-religious sentiment. I have thought about doing a series of posts on why religion is not the problem, and what the problem actually is, and that probably will happen eventually, but this is just my personal story.

One invaluable thing was the knowledge that there was something bigger than my own problems. My school and my home were tiny parts of a big world in an enormous universe, and that stage of my life was a small part of my existence. There is a limit to how much pain it can take away in the moment, but I maintain that it still helps.

My particular religion being one that abstains from alcohol and drugs was also very helpful. On an intellectual level I have this concept in mind that when people use substances to numb their feelings, it decreases the likelihood that they will productively deal with those feelings. Realistically I know there are still a lot of ways to avoid dealing with those feelings, but it can get you closer.

Also realistically, while the Italian side of my family handles drinking impressively, the other side has some alcoholism going on. I have seen what a strong effect prescription medication has on me, and I have seen how compulsive I can become with stupid things like computer games or food. It is really for the best that I have never been drunk, stoned, or high. Nothing good could come of it.

I have friends who went through some pretty wild times trying to find themselves, or lose themselves, too, depending. They have done things that were dangerous or degrading or that took out some brain cells. With my genetics, I don't like my odds, so that I never went there was good.

I do know other people with the same religious upbringing who did those things that I avoided, some with some pretty serious results. That would have been easy for me to do, because Dad wasn't going anymore, and my older siblings did rebel at times. I never really felt inclined that way.

I had my rebellious moments. I remember staying home one Sunday, because I had decided that I just didn't want to go. It didn't feel right, so I didn't do that again. I guess that's where I make the distinction between religion and faith. I was trained in a specific religion, and that mattered, but I think it mattered more that it got inside of me.

Having faith meant that I built a personal relationship with God. It meant that I was praying and reading the scriptures regularly, and going to church, and that I was building up strength there.

It meant that I was inviting the Holy Ghost into my life, so there could be comfort at times, and inspiration and guidance. Those things were important to me then, and they still are now.

Obviously it's not that it takes all of the trouble away, but it does make enduring easier, and that's worth a lot.

Even now, I feel myself being guided in the things that I am doing. I know the way I am doing Throwback Thursday is not how people normally do it, being overly methodical and all that, but I also see that it is helping me. Beyond that, I see that doing the songs of the day countdown by year prepared me for it by starting this review of my life. I believe "next steps" will continue to come to me as I am ready for them.

So that's something for which I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I was introduced to the gospel young, and I'm grateful that it stuck. Neither of those were guaranteed.

Not a complete loss

The previous posts have probably sounded kind of negative. I am looking at what I need to change and correct, so the focus is on what is wrong.

All of those things are real, but they aren't the complete picture. I was not always sure what to count when calculating my Adverse Childhood Experiences score, but it only came to two, and with the big thing, I was only a year away from 18 when it happened. So really, my childhood and adolescence could have been a lot worse. Most of the people whom I had in mind when I started this have had it much worse.

I want to keep that in perspective. Also, there were some ways in which I became strong through the things that were bad. There were strengths I already had that I didn't lose. There were things that helped me back then, and they weren't even always accidental.

Disassociating from my body was not a good thing to do, but I could do it more comfortably because I had a good mind. I do like that about myself. That is one area where I have always felt confident. Even as the first grader who hadn't been to kindergarten, when I was expected to be slow, I knew that I wouldn't be. I'm not sure how I knew that, but I was able to feel sure of that, and take pleasure in learning things quickly and easily. Even at my lowest points of self-esteem, I wouldn't trade my brains for beauty. I like them too much.

Reading helped for the intellectual development, but the early social rejection may have contributed to me being a reader. I mean, I was pretty into it anyway, but there were periods of my life where I had a lot more time. Reading builds empathy as well, and while pain does not automatically build it, in my case I feel it did. I believe I have more compassion from having been hurt, and I value that. I know I can be unhealthy about putting others first, and I'm working on that, but I don't hate that I am generous and kind.

There were a lot of things that I avoided that I am okay with having avoided. I never did much with clothes or makeup; there had been a general capitulation there a long time ago. I know I am more relaxed about appearance than a lot of women, and I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I mean, and this won't sound right, that while some people are struggling every day to become attractive (or at least marginally less unattractive) and have their days ruined by the way humidity or lack of sleep or whatever thwarts them, for me it has pretty much been a matter of just staying not attractive, and being at peace with it. Sometimes clothes shopping, especially for a dress-up event, pushes things over the edge to really miserable depths, but it seems that for many of my contemporaries that is more of a constant.

I do not know how to do romantic relationships. I believe this is bad. However, I can see many areas where participating in them would have been dangerous, because I can see where I might have accepted bad treatment and possibly even outright abuse. Maybe it's better that I skipped that until I could get into a better place. That's speculation, but it seems possible.

Somewhere in that combination of having a good mind, and wanting to do things for other people, and not believing that I could rely on anyone, I became pretty competent. I am good at figuring out how to get things done, and making it happen. I enjoy that. I don't know that I would be as resourceful if some of the things that did happen hadn't happened.

That has it's downside, because it also means that I will charge ahead without reading the instructions or fully thinking things through or maybe asking for permission when applicable, but it works out a lot, which doesn't motivate me to change.

Perhaps the real saving grace for me was that in addition to having things I was good at, they were all things that I liked. That made it easier to be me.

Maybe that's the most amazing thing coming out of this. No matter how many messages I heard and believed about what was wrong with me, somehow I still ended up liking me. That's one reason to take better care of this Gina person. She appears to be worth it.

Band Review: I, Synthesist

I, Synthesist self describes as Alternative, Electronica, and Electro-Pop, but my initial reaction was that it was very arty. Art rock and art pop are generally not my favorite genres. There are digital effects and copious synthesizers, but when you have a nearly 24 minute track of ambient noise called "Womb-a-Tron", I think a case could be made for art pop.

"Womb-a-Tron" is the last track on Somewhere and Everywhere from 2013, and there is a similar (but less womb-like) track, "The Overlook", on Art Of Survival from 2007. I mention those two tracks in particular because they were the ones that drove me from vaguely annoyed to feeling actual hatred.

It's not always that bad. Tracks like "The Lost Parade" from Avalanche (2004) occasionally reminds me of groups like Information Society or The Breakfast Club, and there are songs that are not horrible. Still, it was more common for me to be annoyed, and that is the impression I am carrying away.

If you are into techno, I would start with Avalanche, and if you enjoy that keep going. (If you like experimental art-pop, by all means go straight to "Womb-a-Tron".)

http://isynthesist.tumblr.com/

https://www.facebook.com/ISynthesistMusic?fref=ts

https://www.youtube.com/user/isynthesist

https://soundcloud.com/i-synthesist

https://twitter.com/Isynthesist

Band Review: Continent

Continent is a Downtempo/Deathcore band from Niagara Falls, Ontario.

The music is aggressive, with the lyrics delivered in growling shouts, guitars and drums pounding inexorably in the background.

The greatest weakness of the band is a tendency for there to not be a lot of differentiation between the tracks, a frequent stumbling block for "core" bands.

At the same time, when you do hear something different, there is often a kind of sci-fi vibe to it, which surprised me. That may have been most evident on the title track, "Wasteland", which also seems to have some industrial roots. "Decaying Days" has some interesting bridge work, and "Fake" had a strong intro.

Currently I have only heard the 5-track Wasteland EP. The band does not have their own video channel yet, but a sound-only video has been posted by the label, We Are Triumphant (also home to GutterLIFE).

More information should be available as the band progresses, but all the links I could find are listed below.

https://www.facebook.com/continentofficial

http://continentofficial.bigcartel.com/

https://www.youtube.com/user/wearetriumphant/videos

https://twitter.com/continent

*Technical difficulties kept me for posting yesterday, so I will post the review that should have gone up yesterday tomorrow.

Summing up

I feel like the minute I post this I will realize something that I forgot to mention that was important. Still, if that's what it takes to realize an important piece, then that's probably reason enough to do it. Besides, the way I spread things out over multiple posts may not be ideal for anyone trying to follow along.

I am messed up - highly functional, but messed up nonetheless. I undertook a reading program partly to help other messed up people, but I knew it would be for me too. One of the big realizations during the course of that was how disconnected from my body I have been. There are physical repercussions to that, but it does not operate in a vacuum from my emotions. I had gotten back in touch with some of the emotions that led to the disconnection already, which may lead to a focus more on the physical now, but it seems to go back and forth.

There were three key events that formed my self-image. I had identified two of them earlier, but only recently realized the impact of the third.

6 years old - I was sitting by myself on the playground, and a group of girls came and started talking about how fat I was. From then on I saw myself as fat, even though I was not at that time.

14 years old - While eating lunch in the cafeteria one boy asked me to go steady with him as a joke, but then his friend started asking and wouldn't stop, following me to my next class. It was then that I knew that no boy could ever like me.

17 years old - I was learning to drive, but did not want to learn with my father. I was scared to get in the car with him. Initially he didn't force the issue, but three days before my 17th birthday he told me to get in the car, and I did. I hit a car, would not get back in the car when he insisted, and walked home. I avoided him for the rest of the day, but the next morning he told me how stupid I was, and that he was ashamed of me. He didn't speak to me again for two and a half years. This is the one where I had not realized it affected me, but I think a lot of my trust and self-worth issues come from here. I still feel very ashamed of not driving, and very scared when I think about trying to drive.

There were other factors at play. Early experiences that taught me that no one wants to see you cry or talk about why you're sad and a general inability to ever satisfy my father played parts. I am sure my father's lack of respect for my mother and his cheating played a part. Being rejected by a boy because he found out I liked him was a key experience, especially because no longer being friends with him was probably why I was alone on the playground that day.

There are other things that played smaller parts. For example, in high school my bike was stolen. At the time Aloha was getting really bad for bike theft. It was an Italvega that I loved and rode everywhere. I bought a replacement from K-Mart, where I was working at the time, but it didn't feel as good, and then I could no longer leave my bike in an easy to access place, and I started riding less.

The roads had started getting more dangerous anyway, and that was long before they started putting in bike paths. Timing didn't help, but ultimately there is a lot in the suburbs to discourage physical activity, so you have to be actively aware and fighting for it.

My big takeaway from my formative years was that I was not worth fighting for. Ultimately, there is a lot in society that will tell you that, especially if you are female, especially if you are fat, and boy howdy, especially if you are both fat and female.

Now I am trying to sort all that out. I can see now that the people who hurt me were wrong on an intellectual level. They were not being kind or accurate or anything where I should have let them form my ideas about my place in the world. Since I believed them then, and carried those beliefs with me over years, on an emotional level shaking it off is hard.

There are still plenty of messages out there about how worthless I am. On a good day, I know they're wrong. On a bad day I have doubts, and really wonder why there are still so many negative messages out there.

Becoming me

Looking up the old posts from 2010, it occurred to me that maybe my problem with drama was that it didn't keep me busy enough. For someone who did as many things as I ended up doing, there is a certain logic to that. In addition, my previous explanation to myself had been unsatisfactory.

Back then I told myself that I was never going to be a lead because I wasn't attractive and I couldn't sing, and so there was no point in it. I have never liked that explanation because it sounds like a narcissistic hissy fit.

It was also untrue. People of various sizes and vocal ranges got some very interesting roles. I probably could have as well. I may not have been into acting enough, which is fine. I did still take one more drama class the next year, and I think it illustrates something.

We had a lot of opportunities to write our own sketches. When I helped other people with theirs, they were usually more comic. Most of the parts that I remember enjoying other people doing were comic. I always wanted to do dramatic, relationship-based things, even if they were overwrought and not very fun. I saw myself doing it, but I didn't know why I couldn't let it go.

In retrospect, I think what the loss of feeling that I could be loved as myself meant to me was that I couldn't be a star, even in my own life. If love is the main storyline - and yes, this probably was worse because I was a girl and societal expectations and all - then ineligibility for love meant permanent supporting cast. I struggled with that.

That's when I went around trying everything and looking for something new.

Okay, I was not good at guitar, but I was a valued member of the yearbook staff in ninth grade, and in the process I learned how to process and develop film. I had access to the darkroom. I also got great grades that year and cleaned up at the end of the year assembly. Teachers voted me outstanding French student, English student, Social Studies student, and then I got Most Academic too, by student vote. However, I remember that even though I wanted to get Most Academic because I could get it, when the ballots were going around I wished I could get the award for Nicest Eyes or something like that.

So even though I tried a lot more things the next year in high school, the one that really stuck was sports management, where I was supporting cast. I had rebelled against it, but without understanding what I was doing or why, perhaps it was inevitable that the place where I landed up was one where I was serving others, and not a star.

I feel like I'm being disloyal to the teams saying that. I really loved them, and the guys were nice to me for the most part, and after my father stopped speaking to me just having the coaches in my life was huge, but I probably should have been doing something for me, and for building the life that I wanted.

The problem was that I was quickly losing the ability to believe that I could have good or interesting things for me, so there was nothing to try for. I became "the friend" with guys. In some ways that was what I had been doing all along. I was prone to shame before, and people-pleasing and over-functioning, but it got cemented here, between 14 and 17.

On one level I was just putting everything off to the future. Someday I would lose weight, and then someone would love me, but I think on another level I didn't really believe it would ever happen.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/08/girl-on-run.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/08/club-sandwich.html

Is that what was happening?

I guess it's time to get back to disconnecting  and reconnecting with my body.

Some of the things I will be writing about this week are things I have written about before, though it's been longer than I realized. I was looking for a couple of posts and they were from August 2010.

There were things that I pegged accurately then, but there were things that I missed completely, and have only started to see recently.

That includes that I was disconnected from my body. I did kind of know that I was missing weight gain. I was deliberately trying to ignore it, though it should not have been so possible, but I knew a while ago that I had blocked out that. I had no comprehension of how good I had gotten at blocking out pain and discomfort and all of these other things that I should have been able to notice and understand.

That's the big focus here, except that the reasons for the disconnect and the results and the methods all relate to the mind and spirit too, and there's not going to be any healing of the body without healing the rest. I have to be an integrated soul.

Here are the other things that I missed.

I knew that I got frustrated with everything in 9th grade, and I changed both my classes and my after-school activities for that. I thought that I had just gotten sick of theater; I did not connect it to the incident of harassment. I suppose I couldn't, since I was trying to pretend that it never happened. Now, yes, I think the incident that spawned the deep-rooted conviction that boys being attracted to me could only ever be a joke, and the unhappiness associated with that, may have contributed to my trying to make my life completely different.

There are things specific about giving up drama and going into sports management that are going to get their own post tomorrow. For now, there was something else that I hadn't grasped.

I knew that it was hard on me when Dad disowned me. At 17 I told myself that it wasn't that bad. At ages older than that, I had to admit that it was pretty bad, but I still didn't think that it changed me. Many of the things that I did after he stopped talking to me were things that I had been doing before, and so I could kind of convince myself that I was already developed enough that it didn't make much difference, but I think it did. I think it was kind of a final severance there, that I was on my own, and I could not count on anyone.

Coincidentally, I recently came across the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, and the concept of an ACE score. It focuses on the things that happen before you turn 18.

I don't know that I would have chosen that cutoff. My theory previously was that what happens in your first twenty years determines the way that you are broken, and then from 20 on it's all about starting to fix it. All of my breakage happened before 18, so point taken.

Maybe if that conflict had waited a year, I would only think it was my father who couldn't be depended on, and not the world. Maybe that's what the difference is. And maybe I would have learned to drive some other way, and be doing that now.

Where I started to see that more was when I had the guitar dream. It connected my beginning guitar class and my father in a way that I hadn't before, like there was an arc that started at 14 and completed at 17, and that's who I became. I don't think I have to undo everything about it, but I have to undo the false beliefs, and my method for that seems to be unraveling it all in painstaking detail.

For now, even though I don't play the guitar much, I'm still glad I have her. That feels like one of the few things that went right.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/04/my-dream-guitar-story-in-three-parts.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/04/it-was-not-just-guitar.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/04/but-it-was-guitar-too.html

Band Review: Just Like Giants

As I started assembling the links for this review, the Twitter and Facebook links were broken. Although music has been added to the other pages as recently as May 2014 - so less than a year ago - it appears that Just Like Giants has broken up.

I feel bad about this; they had a pretty good sound. Also, when I have been listening to a band for a week and then discover that I was missing key information I feel irresponsible, like I should have figured it out sooner. However, I still would have felt the need to review them. I knew Atlantic Aftermath was broken up, and I knew that Nina Simone was dead, but doing those reviews still felt necessary.

And, once music is captured on the internet it is there forever. The individual members may do other things, but for now you six songs spread across two EPs, with earnest, angst-y pop punk. My favorite track is "Take It Back" off of the EP of the same name. I think Take It Back is the stronger effort, but I found both EPs to be good listening.

It generally takes a few tries to get the right band composition. I hope things work out for the various Just Like Giants members.

http://justlikegiants.bandcamp.com/

https://soundcloud.com/justlike_giants

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcIqv-urvjk-PiN8ttyzKfQ

Band Review: Marcio Novelli

Marcio Novelli self-describes as alt rock pop.

That probably works. I have been trying to think of sounds I could compare him to and have not been having much luck. There is a plaintiveness to the vocals that reminds me a little of the Rejects and Boys Like Girls, but with a single performer it is quieter. It is not necessarily acoustic, but has that feeling. Songs tend to be more emotional and serious, which may be why the alt comes before rock and pop.

(Without being very familiar with his work, I think Ed Sheeran fans might like Marcio Novelli.)

My personal favorite was "This Song Is Not For You", which has a new fan participation video. Other good tracks to check out are "In The Mourning" which has a more complex instrumentation adding layers, and "Siren Song" which throws you right in with no intro, giving an interesting effect.

Music is available through iTunes and Amazon.

http://marcionovelli.com/

https://www.facebook.com/marcionovelli

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/artist/marcio-novelli/id306215960

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Excuse-Reason/dp/B009S1HHBM/

https://www.youtube.com/user/MarcioNovelliMusic

https://twitter.com/MarcioNovelli

Writing is hard

Writing Family Ghosts has been slow going. There have certainly been distractions, but on it's own it just hasn't tended to flow, even though I know where the story is going.

I was surprised by this, but I shouldn't have been. Writing the novel of Family Blood was easy, because I was simply adapting the screenplay. What I had forgotten, because it had been a while, was that writing the screenplay had been really hard.

It started with a really pressing dream, and the ideas were pretty full-fledged while I was writing. The project I'd been working on before that had flown, but suddenly the new one didn't.

Different projects have different energies to them. It's not that you can say they are better or worse, or that it would feel right to say that, but each writing project is its own experience.

Now, one thing that had been a little hard with the Family Blood novel was that it soon became clear that the way it needed to be written was that each chapter would be from the point of view of one of the characters. I had never done that before, but for this it felt right, and I like that it kept all of the characters well-represented, instead of two leads and a supporting cast.

I am also using that method for Family Ghosts. It has its own challenges. For example, yesterday I mentioned several false starts on Chapter 3, and part of it was that I just kept starting with the wrong character. I thought it was going to be Mark, and then Gus, but really, all along it needed to be Nate. Chapter 17 had been going great, I was almost done with the scene, then nothing went right. It was time to switch from Allison's perspective to Kit's.

It is a more complicated story in many ways. Blood takes place over four days, starting on a Halloween Wednesday and concluding that Saturday, November 3rd. (I guess that makes it 2012.) Ghosts starts the night of the 3rd and goes through to the day after Thanksgiving, November 23rd.

It is less of an action book. There are no vampire attacks. There is only one scene of real physical danger. It's more emotional though, because everyone is recovering from the trauma of what happened in the first book, and maybe things that happened before the first book play a role. So there are conversations that happen, and stages in healing, that need to come in the correct order for the appropriate impact. I've had to start writing out of sequence, and I'm going to need to spend more time editing than usual to get all of that right.

I'm going to want some preview readers. I want some musicians to read it and tell me if the band parts feel right. That is about being in a band too, not just being a musician. So I'm thinking about the various bands I've reviewed, and the musicians I've interacted with more, and whom I can ask. The tricky part there is that a lot of the ones I can ask are not currently in bands, so I'm afraid that particular favor may be similar to giving them a nice paper cut and pouring lemon juice on it. I'll worry about that next week.

The other area where pre-viewers will be handy is in the balance of delivering information from the old book in the new book so anyone can follow. I get annoyed with book series reading over and over again about the twins' matching gold lavalliere pendants, Claudia's junk food habits, and how George and Bess are cousins. I want to strike that delicate balance between, "Yeah, yeah, we get it; there were vampires" and "Wait, there were vampires?"

Initially, when I was thinking in terms of movies, I could see Family Blood and Family Reunion (book 3, sometimes this summer) as movies, but Family Ghosts was too quiet. It's the things that happen in between. As I write Ghosts, I don't know that I see it as a movie, but I am still very fond of it. There is friendship, and healing on multiple levels, and the ending is pretty happy, which was not true of Blood.

(The ending to Reunion will be much more similar to Blood, and then there's going to be a bit of a gap before I start the next three. I feel guilty about it, but I can add an epilogue that will be kind of a "Whoa", and that will have to be enough.)

Anyway, that's where I'm at. Family Ghosts will be available March 31st. Watch this space:

http://www.amazon.com/Gina-Harris/e/B00OC0N218/

My creative week

Shortly after I got Family Blood up, I knew there would be a Family Ghosts, but I thought that I was going to write a screenplay first. I found I could only work on Family Ghosts. I started that and wrote two chapters. That's about when the overtime kicked in.

It started right around Christmas. I did work extra hours that week, and then it was six weeks of fifty or more hours per week, and then there was still a little bit of overtime but it was tapering off.

I was not making any progress with writing. Mainly, I was just really tired. I know I mentioned the tiredness in the blog, but I started to think about how I really wanted to take some time off, and this idea began to take shape.

I wanted to take a week off to just be creative. If I were a professional screenwriter, or other kind of writer, and could focus on that, what would my life look like?

I have gone through times of being more or less disciplined with my writing. When I was unemployed I wrote a lot, but there was also a lot of job hunting going on, and the fear and worry may have hampered some things. I had vacation time saved up, so that would remove the worrying aspects. The idea burned in me and I started to long for it.

I tried to be strategic about requesting the time off. I wanted it to be after the rush. If I had the week off after working a 50-hour week, I would just sleep. I didn't want it to be the week of President's Day, because holiday weeks are restorative in their own way. The most likely option seemed to be the week before, but the Friday of that week would be my sisters' birthday, and I was afraid they would take the day off and be around. I wanted it to be as normal a week as possible. My sisters assured me they were working that day, so I scheduled February 9th through 13th. It did not go as planned.

The first wave of sickness started working its way through the house the weekend before. (I say first because there seems to be a second one going through.) Julie came down with it first. She was home Tuesday and Wednesday. She made her way back to the office just in time for Maria to get sick. Maria stayed home Friday. Then, as I finished up my long weekend and started back at work, I got sick.

I don't want to complain too much about the disruption. It was much worse for them being sick on their birthday week. They had to cancel a lot of plans and it was pretty miserable for them. They did cramp my style and eat into my time somewhat, but I still had some time. The rest of it was me.

I had really ambitious dreams. I imagined writing three chapters a day, and in between writing sessions I would draw comics, and practice my bass, and read. I would daily give special one-on-one attention to all three pets (which was going to include bathing) and my mother, and get some home projects done too.

I did no pruning, and have still not completed this evaluation that I have been meaning to do. I did read some. I only practiced my bass once. I did not draw anything. I did not exercise as much as I meant to. I did spend time with Dellie, Maeve, Cody and Mom, but various specific goals were not met, and Dellie still needs a bath.

And I only wrote one chapter a day. I often do that on a work day!

I knew on one level that I would not do all of the things, but I thought I would do more and it turned out that all I could really hack was the writing. I went from multiple false starts on Chapter 3 to Chapter 12. That was good, I just wanted to do more.

The family crowding and oncoming illness may have played some part, but also I really underestimate how long it takes to do things. This novel especially is slower going, which I will write more about tomorrow.

The week was not everything that I dreamed it would be. I am not Wonder Woman; I am merely woman. That is disappointing.

It was also not a total loss. I was able to recalibrate. The extra work hours had really slowed me down, and taken me out of my writing groove. The vacation gave me time to get back in. There was progress, and progress continues to be made.

I have had doubts in the past about whether life as a professional creator would be too unstructured, and I would have a had time being productive. I have been productive under some pretty horrible circumstances since then, so I was pretty sure that would be okay, but it was nice to test it out and get confirmation.

It also probably helped prepare me for the understanding that some other things need to be put on hold for now, with priority going to the writing. (Sunday's post has more detail on that.) That works too.

I would still like to see what the magical week would look like, but this was okay too.

http://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2015/03/changing-plans.html

Writing Business

Cara can be downloaded free today: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00O9A9QV6

There is a free Kindle app that you can use on other devices, including a desktop PC. I have heard that it is easy to use, though I have not tried it yet.

I had enrolled the book in the Kindle Unlimited program to see how it worked. When I needed to make Family Blood free, I discovered that the promotions go through that program. You can either do a countdown where the price changes each day, or just make it free, but there is a limit of five days of promotion within the ninety day Kindle Unlimited enrollment. Cara ends its ninety days today, so it was make it free now or never. (And yes, I started Thursday for the full five days.)

I mention this not just so you can get your own free copy if you read this in time, but also because I have been having some related conversations this weekend. One happened Friday night, comparing notes with a musician friend. I was saying how I have a royalty deposit coming in today of $3.49, and perhaps I would splurge on Taco Bell. She had bought a couple of cables with the proceeds from her album. We are living the dream.

Last night it was with Scott Timberg, author of Culture Crash: The Killing of the Creative Class, which deals with the effect of the economy on the creative class. I have not read it yet, and will have to wait a bit to do so, but I am sure I will get into it more. He asked if I did something (I imagine there were a lot of creative people at the event) and I said "I have written seven screenplays and am working on my third novel, and I have made $13.00." (That's counting the $10.00 I made last year.)

I realize that can sound bitter, but I have consciously chosen to make both of the novels that are out free. I do get a lot more downloads that way, but I also advertise them more when they are free, so I acknowledge that I am part of the problem.

Part of it is that I expect any actual money I make to come from the screenplays, and it just hasn't happened yet. The novels feel important, but I am afraid that maybe they are novels that are good for you, because they help you process emotional and relationship issues, but not fun reading where people are going to be all "Wow! I loved it!" (I don't get much feedback.)

But I write them anyway, because I have to. I also keep a day job. I called the cable-buying musician a friend, but we are also co-workers, because we have day jobs, and will keep them. The economy needs to be better for a lot of reasons, but my writing doesn't depend on that.

There were some interesting points made about technology, which plays a role but is not the sole factor. Yes, part of the issue is people streaming music for free instead of buying it, but other factors include a lack of willingness to pay for reporting or upgrade infrastructure including public buildings, and though it didn't come up last night, even to see people who work for charities have comfortable incomes. It affects the communities we have.

Right now I feel better about it because I've had a few paychecks with overtime on them, and my tax refunds just came in. Right now there is money in the bank. We also finally just got the stove replaced after losing use of it in November, and that was just the first thing to fix. The relief is temporary, but for now it feels good.

That is just life; it should sound familiar to a lot of people. My life is richer and more rewarding for having a creative outlet. I feel it is one worth sharing, and that is apparently more important to me than making money. I am grateful there are tools in place that make doing so easier. Kindle Direct Publishing and Amazon are a part of that, but so are Facebook and Twitter, where I tell people about the books, and e-commerce in general. It helps.

March 31st Family Ghosts will be out, and I will go into that a bit more in the next two posts. For now I am saying that I will not make it free, at least not right away, but I could be fooling myself.

If you wish to fund more cables: http://drsomething.bandcamp.com/