The biggest loser

When I walk before work, I have a route that has been taking 22 minutes. Today it only took 20, and I had to lengthen the route a little to get that in. So, I am still slow, but less slow.

For those of you who might find this an unnecessary level of detail, that is a real concern of mine. You see, I find that I don’t have the best role models for weight loss. No, I don’t specifically mean the process of losing weight and keeping it off—it’s more the staying a good person while you do it.

I noticed this recently when a good friend began losing weight. Just as the pounds started dropping off gradually, she also gradually lost the ability to talk about much else. The last time we were out together, we were at an activity and she started talking to people about how she did it, and receiving their compliments about how great she looked, which is fine, but I had heard it before, so I wandered over to talk to some other people. I came back, “One night I just had cookies for dinner because I wanted the cookies and it took all my calories....” Okay, I wandered off and socialized some more. “I substitute the vegetables…” And it just went on.

There are only three restaurants that she can go to now, because they have meals that fit her requirements, unless we go on the day of her weigh-in so she has a week to recover, and they are not good restaurants. Conversation will be focused on who has paid attention to her, and recaps of conversations where she was called hot, and I find I don’t enjoy being with her anymore, and I have pulled back.

I feel guilty about this, like I am not a very good friend, but I don’t feel like I can talk to her about it because I know she will think it is all jealousy. I don’t think it is. I mean, my emotions are not exactly right either, because I find I give vent to my annoyance by ordering more fattening dishes, or dessert, but those might be things that I would order anyway—I just know that I am feeling annoyed when I order.

However, I do know that she does not take criticism well, because the one other thing that she will still talk about, besides her new hotness, is her grievances with other people. Her ability to take things personally and hold a grudge has bothered me before, but when I have tried to talk to her about it she does not get my point at all, and starts getting touchy and I back off. It’s just funny because I have seen her cut off other friends before, and heard her complain about them, and I guess I am in that group now.

The thing is, before this happened it felt like a lot of my time with her consisted of comforting her and complimenting her and building her up, and it would appear that she doesn’t need that now, except that I fear that the new self-confidence is hollow, so maybe she does need me, but she’s annoying. As you can see, I have some conflicted feelings.

Anyway, it was interesting to me because I knew two other people who had lost weight, and had personality issues, and it caused me to reflect.
The one is just a seething mass of resentment for all the wrongs he suffered while fat, but he kind of had a bad personality before, so may not matter so much. I would be more concerned about being like my third example.

She is actually a fairly pretty girl, and has had some good opportunities and really has a good position in life, but she always had a little extra padding. I wouldn’t even have called her fat, actually, though hey, if you’re thinner than me, I don’t think of you as that fat.

Anyway, this girl lost some weight, and she looked great and bought new clothes, and maybe she always had kind of a mean edge before, but she started getting really nasty, especially about other girls who were receiving positive male attention, and I think the issue is that she really thought that losing weight would fix everything, and when it didn’t she was pissed.

I could see this happening to me. I have always thought of weight loss as the magic bullet—then I will be worthy of love. When I put that kind of pressure on it, weight loss proved to be impossible, but I can also see that maybe it would have been harmful. I’ve let so many things go, and I pretty much like myself now, and that’s a good thing to have gained.

I guess my good example is Karen. (Steve has also lost weight, and he has probably done fine with his personality, but I don’t see him enough to take good or bad lessons from him. Still, good job.)

Karen and I had very similar self-images growing up, and while we had different experiences with it, we understand each other pretty well. She has lost weight, and sometimes we talk about that, and diet, and exercise, and a lot of the things that have worked for her are not things that I will be putting into practice, but it can still be helpful to think about.

(Actually, I don’t really want much in the way of diet or exercise advice right now. I’m trying to just take very small steps that work for me, listening to my inner voice, and that may change, but right now it’s where I need to be.)

In addition to that, though, Karen and I also talk about books and movies and travel and old friends and new experiences and our families and animals, and she is just open to a very big world, regardless of the amount of space that she does or does not take up in it. Yes, she does appreciate positive male attention, but she does keep some checks on the ego, and she always asks about me and looks out for me too, which is nice.

(I did have another friend once who was very self-centered, and I knew whenever we went out she would be talking and I would listen, but she talked about interesting things, and so it felt different. Of course, she could not talk about being hot, since she was still overweight.)

Maybe the good thing about being on a four or five year plan is that if things do happen that gradually, there would not be sudden personality shifts. Julie sent me an article recently from someone who had lost weight, and so now she was in the thin person club, where she could hear the things that thin people say about fat people, and see how she is treated differently. There are good things about that, but she closed by hoping that she would always remain a fat girl on the inside.

I want to feel good about my looks, but I don’t want to care about them too much. I don’t want to full of resentment because I end up seeing that people are nicer to me, or that men pay more attention. I don’t want to be eaten up with regret at not getting my act together sooner.

I think I will be okay. I am still really good at being happy. Some of that comes from a tendency to be grateful for what I have. I think my sense of humor is a big part of that, because sometimes if I start to veer into the melodramatic I realize it is ridiculous fairly quickly, and I am grounded again. And some of that is that even if I have not had romantic relationships, I have had great relationships of every other kind, with people who have been supportive and helpful and appreciative. So, I have that to hold on to.

However, if at some point in 2014 I start going on about how this guy said I was hot and that guy was looking at me, even though this other girl was there, but he was looking at me, slap me upside the head—figuratively, literally—whatever it takes. Seriously.


20 minutes walking outside
Crunches
John 7 – John 13