True Confessions on Day 36

Saturday is set to be the last day—at least the last day of refraining from video games and bad thoughts while also blogging every day. My intention is for the twenty minutes each of scripture study and exercise to be permanent.

When I decided to do this I marked each day on my calendar with the number and which strength move I would be doing. Tomorrow is 37-C, for day thirty-seven and crunches. Sunday is marked M/DD, for Mappy and Dig Dug, the two video games I plan on playing.

My original intention was that I would play and relax for five days, then start a new fifty days at the same time as General Conference, not sure what the program would be. Perhaps it would involve keeping a food journal, or doing something more involved for strength training, or some other writing goal, but I would figure it out based on how the forty days went, and what seemed needed.

Now I am starting to think that maybe I should extend, at least for the things I am abstaining from. Seriously, I keep thinking that I cannot keep up blogging daily, because it is really time consuming and I could put that time to writing other things, but I have at least 20-30 other blog ideas jotted down, and new ones keep coming, and I have gotten some really good comments, so you see, it’s a quandary.

The other part is that I had a hope in conjunction with this, which I was not planning on sharing, but now I am going to.

My sisters and I love the band A-ha, and they are currently in the middle of their farewell tour. We were disappointed to see that they were largely skipping the US, only playing dates in Los Angeles and New York City. It seemed like we were out of luck, and then Julie noticed that they were playing a date in Amsterdam, which would be perfect because it’s somewhere that we do want to go, but would not require a lengthy trip and there is a direct flight.

I am highly impressionable, and I got the idea that maybe this could happen, if I was a very good girl, that the screenplay would sell and then it would be possible. It does not seem at all likely, and it didn’t really seem that likely then, but the idea was there.

I understand if you are thinking that this sounds delusional—a lot of what I do must. What I have always understood though, was that it was okay if it didn’t happen. No one would have wronged me. The whole thing is a long shot anyway.

There are two things that have been really good about it. One is finding the power in me. I have had different resolutions and failed so many times, but this time I am making it. I have thought at various times of how easy it would be to just give up—go play a game or slough off on exercise—but I have this hope that I don’t want to jinx.

Also, I just don’t want to fail. I believe all of these components are important for me accomplishing what I want and being whom I want. I want to be healthy, and have my blood sugar under control, and the daily exercise is an important component where I have not been good in the past. Some times my sisters and I would walk four days in a row, and I would think, okay, we’re doing it, and then things would get busy and weeks would go by. Choosing to make that inviolate has meant that it gets done, one way or another.

I have so much that I want to get done, and video game addiction is very time-consuming. You only intend to play a few minutes, and then that doesn’t work out, and an hour is wasted. That’s why I was thinking I would start an additional, longer time period: keep the free play limited to a few days.

For the scripture study and the thoughts, I want to be ready for inspiration, and to feel good, and this has helped. I had really felt like I was plateauing before, and now I feel invigorated again.

With the blogging, writing stuff out does help me, but also reporting the three items at the bottom each day, yes, I have completed these goals, and here is the post to prove it, well, that gave me more accountability. It’s harder to slack off when people are watching.

That’s the other thing that has been good. I was not going to tell anyone I was doing this, but then I did tell Julie and Maria, and then some friends, and now it is out there for anybody. This is important, because I used to never share any plans with anybody. I never wanted anyone to know in case I failed. It didn’t matter whether it was a new diet, or a new writing project. Letting people in would let people know that I had these delusions of grandeur, and then see how delusional they were when I didn’t accomplish anything. But because no one knew, it was also very easy to quit.

It took me time to learn that most people don’t really look down on you for your imperfections, and that they aren’t really out to get you. Instead I found that people get really relieved, because the have similar issues, or similar feelings about them, and then we get this camaraderie going on. Somehow, it also becomes easier to improve the imperfections that way. The motivation goes up, because then you don’t want to let people down.

I have had really good discussions with my sisters, and they have set some goals too. It may be the blind leading the blind (especially when Julie is looking at my techniques for pushups), but it’s good. Opening up keeps being a good experience for me. I’m also seeing that I am not satisfied with mediocre, and I think that is leading me to good places too.

So, I have no idea whether I will be playing video games on the 26th or not, and no idea if I will be on Amsterdam on the 10th. And now, if I do not go to Amsterdam, you can all know that I wanted it, and failed to manage it, but I can’t quite say that it will be a disappointment. There will still have been many gifts with this experience, and maybe it would be too greedy to get more. At this moment, I am just trying to do what’s right, both in general and for me personally—wherever that may lead.


24 minutes walking outside
Wall sits
John 11 – John 19