My best way to help

At one point last week I was thinking about posting that if anyone needed help they could tag me in. That didn't feel quite right, especially as I remembered that I have just gotten to the point where I am merely low energy and not exhausted all the time.

I have been trying to think about what would be a good fit.

It came from seeing more people who have not been political in the past posting political things. I have talked to some of them and I know it is a matter of conscience for them; they feel like they need to say something now. I totally get that. It is also a great way to find out exactly how obnoxious some of your friends and family are, and how reprehensible their beliefs.

The people I was watching skirmish that day were using their own strengths and interests. They probably don't really need my help, and may not want it. I know that you may not want everyone piling on your friend. There was one dust-up that definitely caused one person to unfriend me and I think it was part of why the other one left Twitter, and that all happened while I was making dinner.

So while it is certainly possible that there may be a time when you post something important to you, and someone else is being rotten about it, maybe tagging me in would help, and be something I could do, but it is probably not the only way we can help each other.

I recently watched The Social Dilemma. I should be writing more about tomorrow, but the answer is frequently going to be about making conscious choices, and then there are a lot of options.

One option is refuting your friends, and letting other, bolder friends help.

That can get very adversarial. I have found my bulldog self many times since I have gotten on Facebook (October 2008), and I can hold on tirelessly. As a result, I think a lot of the more conservative people I have known from church or school have muted me or unfriended me, and that can be okay.

You don't want to get yourself into an echo chamber, and I am not recommending that. That is a big part of why on Twitter I follow people who are both more and less radical than I am. Sometimes they are irritating, as am I. However, I don't follow anyone who promotes racism or misogyny or any kind of bigotry, because those things are not up for debate. Also, - and I want to make this very clear - you are NOT obligated to maintain a relationship with someone who is abusive.

That may involve name calling - "baby killer" is very popular right now - but it may be something more subtle. You may find that someone is stressing you out by posting the same arguments every single time, even when you thought you had already answered them. You can try and set a boundary, and if they ignore that, that can be reason enough to delete a Facebook friendship. I did that with one person, he said he understood, and then he kept flooding me with direct messages after having lost the ability to post on my wall. I blocked him. It wasn't what I'd wanted, but it felt like the only option.

Your time and your mental health are important. There are sayings about wrestling with pigs and playing chess with pigeons - I don't disagree with them, but the real problem tends to be humans. 

Sometimes there is reluctance to let someone go, because it feels like that means they are winning the argument. They probably will think that, but they will probably think that after still more hours of arguing. Is that worth the effort?

I say that as someone who has held on tenaciously, possibly with no reward other than that person ignoring me in the future. (Which can be worth something.) 

Sometimes it is worth it. Recently I had an exchange with my brother pointing out that when he talks about open season on liberals, that's all of his sisters. It wasn't fun and I think it irritated him more than anything else. It also still felt important to do. I don't think he really wants us dead, but I also think he is spoiling for a fight, which is a concern, and that other people reading those memes are more violent and shorter-fused. I believe words matter. 

I also believe that if you make a point, it might not sink in right away, but if enough other points hit over time, it may add up. That can be good. It's probably not worth getting an ulcer over.

Sometimes it is nice to have your friends come in and help in an argument, but there are other ways we can help each other, and these are some things to think of:

Maybe at some point you want a fact-check or a logic-check; we can do that for each other.

Maybe you need someone to remind you that you are a good person and your values are humane and just; we can do that for each other.

Maybe you need a sounding board over whether it is okay to sever ties with someone; we can do that for each other.

These are rough times. Let's be kind, and also firm.

Sometimes that means a firm and loving goodbye, and sometimes it doesn't.

Serenity, courage, and wisdom: they are useful in many situations.