The wisdom in kindness

This is a link to yesterday's post for the preparedness blog: 

https://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2020/09/resilience.html

I had thought about doing that post on this blog, thinking that yesterday I would post about the white horse prophecy, which I am sure I will still get to. One concern I am running into a lot now is that given the topics that are important to me, it will be easy to come off as scolding, which I don't think is helpful. I'll work it out.

Today's topic, though, should be a comforting one. It is also something that I really thought I would write last week, and then didn't. I hope that things come out in an order that builds understanding and arrives when it is most useful.

The most important part of yesterday's post was that sunflowers that were toppled by a storm on the verge of blooming still bloomed. I didn't think that they could, and I had felt on one level that I should clear them out and put them in yard debris or something. Then they surprised me, not just making me glad that I'd followed my heart, but also providing me with some hope: no matter how down and out you seem, you are still not done. There can still be progress and beauty.

I think I have written about this before yesterday even, but maybe I was just tweeting with someone about it. It is a common thing to say that God will not give you more than you can handle. It's not even that I disbelieve that, but that the way we hear it and the way we picture it in our minds may not be the same. I might have gotten through two really difficult months with my mother without ever hurting her, yelling at her, or making her cry, but!

Okay, there is no might. I did that. That is worth something. However, during that time I was also always behind on housework, I did not find fun activities to do with her or make engaging conversation like I felt I should. I did not make much progress on my reading or music listening or anything I meant to do. My A1C score jumped two points. I felt it was really important to learn and finally get good at self-care while caring for my mother, because it was certainly important to do self-care, and I needed it. I was an utter failure at that.

I can't even tell you that it was a conscious choice to put her needs over my own; a lot of that was habit and apparent need and not having time to think things through and come up with other strategies. I would not have accepted a solution that involved hurting her, but that still does not mean I did as well as I could. At the same time, because the most important need was met, it was enough.

What may seem like a topic for another day is that there needs to be better care solutions and better help for caregivers. Where it actually is a topic for today is that often what we think is being asked of us individually is based on a flaw in society.

I say that because I was thinking of how often we put off believing that we deserve happiness until we fix this one thing (or twenty things) about us. Once I lose X pounds or I pay off this debt or I get a little bit of money in the bank, or if I just let a little time go by people will forget about this, then everything will be okay. I will be able to get what I want or be with whom I want, and then it will be fine.

My first thought with that is that you should have happiness now. You are worth something now. Then the second thought was that so much of what we think we need to do is based on very faulty ideas about what constitutes healthy and how the economy works and how healing works. Maybe sometimes the reward you have in mind is actually what would help you accomplish your goal. Wouldn't that be something?

(ETA: For example, one time my reward after taking care of various other financial obligations was going to be a new mattress, except I was waking up tired and in pain every day because of the old mattress. I could accomplish other things better after replacing the mattress.)

Here are my caveats:

1. Of course you should still be working to improve, but your worth as a human being is not dependent on your perfection. None of us would be worth anything if it were. (And really, look at a few rich people if you have any doubts about financial success not being tied to goodness.)

2. Needing to improve is especially true if what you are doing is hurting other people. Stopping that would be the first improvement to make. But also, that covers a lot of ground, and it could include things that are not really your responsibility. Be kind, and try; everything else starts there.

3. Yes, sometimes there is sequence that needs to happen first. When I quit K-Mart, they were pretty terrible and also I was only eighteen. I deliberately said something critical within earshot of a corporate guy on my way out. Then I did not hear back about the job I had applied for and was sure I would get. I got worried and called K-Mart about going back, which was a humiliating experience. Then I got the call from Burlington. I believed that it was necessary to learn a lesson there, and it worked out. Even then, I have changed my mind on the lesson, thinking at the time that it was to be smarter (looking before you leap), and thinking more recently that it was about not being petty; if I have an issue I should be direct about it.

As much as I believe learning lessons, and as much as I see that the extended time period of our mother's dementia has taught some of her children things and brought them closer together,  and also as much as I still think there are things that I should have been able to do better (independent of any evidence that I actually could have) I have been worth kindness and happiness all along.

There is still that section of my mind where I think that if I can just manage to do this one thing, then everything will work out. It is probably more helpful to know that "everything working out" is not likely, but some things will work out, even as I fall. Therefore, it is more to the point to decide if that "just one thing" actually has value, and then to try and be realistic (and kind) about whether I am capable of it.

I hope you find kindness within and without.