Notice that

There is a thing with both EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and meditation where thoughts will come up that you are not going to pursue right then. Someone guiding you will often say something like "Just notice that".

The thing is, even if you are not pursuing those thoughts right then, that doesn't mean that they are not important, or that some further thought later wouldn't be important. It is even very probable that some of those fragments that are coming up are going to be important for later integration and wholeness, but you don't have to figure out everything right then.

(Which is good, because you probably can't.)

Personally, a lot of my personal healing has been delayed by avoiding noticing things and thinking about things, so if there is anything you have been putting off, I cannot judge you. I will share my experience.

Separately, there is an area for which I can't tell if I have backslid in the past four years or not. At one point I had trained myself to just thank people for compliments automatically, because if you try to deny the compliment then they push back harder, and thanking gives them closure and gets you out of there. It's the same thing with saying "You're welcome" instead of "It was nothing".

I have been trying to ignore compliments lately, for sure. I'm just not sure whether giving insincere thanks to end the compliment was really growth. There have been three big ones recently, but the one I will focus on is a friend who praised my courage for trying out and participating in a school musical in fifth grade. It happened twice, which I think is why it stuck.

Both times I tried shrugging it off in that it wasn't even brave for me because that didn't scare me. When it stuck the second time (and kept poking at me) I realized that I don't have stage fright. I get into this anticipatory state when I am going to talk or teach or do standup or karaoke (Should I go to the bathroom? Water? Cough drop?), but there really isn't fear.

Then I thought, "What a strange thing not to notice."

How did I not know something so basic about myself? But of course, I do know how I missed it. It was never allowed to know anything good about yourself, because then you're conceited and who do you think you are? You've got to be modest, except now we've watered that down to how much of her body a girl keeps covered. Knowing the bad stuff is fine, though. That's allowed. It just creates a really distorted picture.

Also, realistically, I have gotten a lot better already. There are still just depths that haven't been explored yet (or just explored fully), and there are things to mine there. There was a lot more in my abandoning drama in ninth grade than I knew, and I made a great breakthrough on connecting my major depressive episodes that I need to explore more. It's a lifelong process that is very hindered by only acknowledging what's wrong with you.

However, this is what I will give you.

The second time Jennie mentioned my bravery, it was because I was doing #RememberSeptember, and it stemmed from one of the memories. The idea to do those memories had been poking at me since at least July. One of the other compliments I tried shrugging off happened because there was someone whom I knew I needed to talk to.

I may be more in the habit of listening to my intuition and getting those ideas, but that is through practice. I don't think I am  unique in that being available.

There are guideposts along the path.

Notice them.