Break time!

This post is late because I have an internet issue.

It is probably something really simple, but I don't know. 

My wireless connection went out this weekend. I need to use the wired connection for work. When I set up my work PC I changed my personal one to connect via the wireless. That indicates that I should be capable of fixing this, at least in theory, and yet... 

When the issue first occurred there was an error message that I should have written down or something, because it probably would have pointed me in the right direction. I didn't have time then, and time remains an issue.

Regarding time, I had been toying with the idea of taking a break from blogging to catch up on other writing. That seems like a good idea for now.

I am not planning on posting to this site until after Thanksgiving. I will continue to update the travel blog and probably the preparedness blog.

I did get through a lot with the last round of posting. More recently I have been posting random things that have felt good to write about, but it may be time to gear up for the next larger project. I am going to spend some time figuring that out.

It's easy to be productive with no internet.

 

Album Review: Pete by Jesse Valenzuela

If I recall correctly, when I saw Jesse in January 2019, he mentioned that he was working on a new album. I would periodically check for it.

Pete appears to have come out in August of last year (not that I have been prompt in reviewing it). 

I am not positive on the release date, because Jesse has been scarce on the internet for a while, deactivating his Twitter and Facebook page. The only working link from the previous reviews is the Youtube topic, though it does have a Pete playlist now with the different tracks loaded.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC24AgkfU3mTUYdbCwUtBN5A

The album is still available for purchase on Amazon and Apple Music, and can be listened to on Spotify.

While retaining social media could have been helpful for promotion of the new material, I suspect going offline might relate to the subject matter.

Pete is a very mature album, though maybe not in the way expected. 

Initially I noted the ways in which it was romantic. The album does wear its heart on its sleeve, perhaps most notably on "Love Struck Kid". However, that kid is not a kid; he does learn and is making choices more deliberately. That means there can be a decision to move on, as in "Find Me Someone", and that decision is based at least in part on valuing himself.

Perhaps the greatest thing about that maturity is that it doesn't scoff at play. The first and last tracks are -- respectively -- "Jesse's Walk On" and "Jesse's Walk Off", with actual foot steps during the walk on. (So maybe he still feels like a kid, and is certainly not "old".)

The second track "Never Coming Home", with subtle accents of trumpet and accordion, enlivening without overpowering. The overall mood is positive, but in a mellow, relaxed way.

That is the state of maturity displayed on Pete. Greater appreciation for the self and sunsets, still loving deeply, still playing, and sometimes losing but happier for knowing what to let go.

It is a state of grace.

Previous posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/07/band-review-jesse-valenzuela.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2019/01/concert-review-jesse-valenzuela.html

Curating music in a socially responsible way

I am not doing well enough with my daily songs.

I know, I just wrote about realizing that there is no such thing as a perfect playlist and went over specific reasons why. Still, here we are in Native American Heritage Month and I just feel like I should be more ahead of the game.

I know I want to do daily songs by native artists all month, and for there to be a playlist by the end of it. I even know which songs should start and end both the month and the playlist.

Everything else just feels like I am throwing it out there, and have to because I haven't spent enough time reviewing. I was finishing Halloween and then I will need to start on Christmas right away, and then I want to have something special for February...

I may be at the point where I mentally know that perfection is not possible, but where I have not yet emotionally accepted it.

That does sound like me.

I think part of the pressure I put on myself is because these are two areas that are so important to me. 

I love music. I am comforted by it, excited by it, thrilled by it, and fascinated by it. I could find more applicable verbs if I tried. 

Music does not mean as much to me as equality, but they are not in competition. Music can help with that. I seek out artists from marginalized groups, and that is important to me both ethically and musically.

Early on in starting the reviews, I gave each opening act their own review. Sometimes if there wasn't a lot of information or two bands played short sets, I did combine, but the really solid rule is that it doesn't matter if they are local or touring or have been together for two months and will dissolve next month or they have been doing this for nine years and scraping by with day jobs or if they are famous:  I will listen. I will hunt up their web links. I will give them a shot. 

Bands are made of people and people matter

That "people matter" part might be why I have so much trouble with bigotry.

There remains that inconvenient fact that I do not have much of a platform. It is very questionable about whether the agonizing I do over the content I put out matters at all, but it does matter to me. I know, and I have thought deeply about it, and if it comes up at some point, then I will be ready.

And I still wish I were better organized/less tired/had started working on certain things sooner.

I don't necessarily wish I had a larger platform. If more people would be better, I don't think I would need one. For now, I think I am still gearing up for whatever comes next.

Self doubt and cardboard

My conclusion yesterday was about not letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. That is somewhat of a theme in my life right now.

In my last week of training -- which is basically taking phone calls but with trainers on standby -- I probably am doing pretty well, but when I hit a snag I am so hard on myself: Why don't I remember this!?! And yet, I have been here for less than two months, and they told us many things.

I have had it confirmed that no one has heard me sounding flustered or panicked, but it still really bothers me that I feel flustered or panicked.

I know I have grown in many ways, but I still regularly have difficulty accepting being human.

There are two other areas where I really need to pull myself together. Well, two that I can think of right now.

I will write about the other tomorrow, but today is more about my effort to bring my yard into harmony with nature.

The last time I covered this (in the appropriately named "Garden stress") I mentioned some plans for cardboard and mulch in the fall, and that if that was all I did it would be enough. Then, due to some orders of large flat things, I had two great cardboard boxes to use; I was so thrilled.

I recently read a comment about how bad the cardboard chemicals are.

I am not sure I believe it. Lots of other people use cardboard and newspapers, and it seems to be okay, but...

WHAT IF I AM MAKING A TERRIBLE MISTAKE?

Okay, the area where I was planning to use it was not going to be for human food, but the whole point of so much of what I want to do is for there to be food for insects and birds and all the small creatures. I don't want to poison them.

I had a lot of fun this Halloween, but the thing I hated most was that I hadn't grown any pumpkins. Some of that was weather issues, and I figured out what I would have done differently, but I want to try it again and get it right.

Could thinking about "getting it right" be setting me up for disappointment? Is there such a thing as getting it right?

If your brain does similar things to you, you have my sympathies. 

 Please don't mind if I am a little distracted by what to do with this cardboard.

Never as planned

I have completed my first week of the Turkey Trot.

If you will recall, there are many Turkey Trots. This one is a 28 day, 280000 step challenge that I am doing through https://walkertracker.com/. It is supposed to be tracing a path in the shape of a turkey, but I can never get the map to load. Knowing my virtual location on the path would be fun, but the real goal was to move more, and I am.

With effort, I have been able to keep up with the challenge. 

Working at home and only doing things around the house, it would be easy to stay somewhere around 4000 steps per day. With a desk job, it is easy to become glued to the chair and get quite stiff.

Adding in some walking in place or dancing or taking extra trips to do mundane tasks can get that over 10000, but that requires attention and monitoring. That is what makes this valuable.

(Only about 2400 extra steps have come from walking outside so far; it's been pretty dark and rainy out there.)

There was some early panic.

I saw that the challenge was supposed to start on October 25th. When I went to enter that first day, I saw that the site runs its weeks Sunday through Saturday. Who does that? Oh no! I had missed a day!

That led to me making myself get 11000 steps for the first two days, hoping that I could still make the weekly total with a little extra during the work week and then I hoped for a big push on Saturday.

The challenge did, in fact, start on Monday. I overreacted, but I primed to do so because of my procrastination.

I mentioned that I had to order a pedometer. It arrived about a week before the start. In my mind I was going to get it all programmed, then do some testing of different tasks and distances, and I would start the actual challenge out all prepared and organized.

I got hung up early on the reset button not working. It does work, but you have to hold it down for an extended period of time. Given how frustrating unintentional resets can be, this is a good feature. Reading the directions and testing it sorted that out, which I finally got around to the night of the 24th, the day I thought I had missed. 

I still haven't set the clock.

That doesn't really matter. I mean, preparedness is nice, but without that I have already figured out that the average song is 500 steps, changing the litter boxes is 1200 steps, and one loop around the park is 800 steps.

There was nothing wrong with the original vision, other than that it wasn't going to happen and thinking that it needed to happen and not getting there caused some delays and frustration.

So, perhaps in this time period where I am starting a new job and getting caught up on things, this may be the wrong time to let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Related post:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/10/one-more-thing-about-work.html

Vamps versus Zombies

 I thought I was all done with Halloween, but then I remembered writing this:

For now, though, after two days of on-boarding at work, with going through various exercises, I want to write about some of that. (Except for my new insights on preferring vampires to zombies; I think I will save that for October.)

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/09/assessing.html

I never did get around to it.

I thought I would because I thought I would have some October posts going over the symbolism of different monsters, and relating that to emotional health. There ended up being different things to write about.

I still like the idea, and am toying with the idea of turning that into my first non-fiction book.

Regardless, I promised I would share a new insight, and I'm going to do it!

Historically, I have always preferred vampires to zombies for mostly aesthetic reasons. 

If you must be killed by a supernatural creature, a necking embrace in the dark seems preferable to having your brain eaten. Even before I thought of that, the visible signs of decay on zombies were just gross most of the time, whereas vampires are usually pretty good looking (except for Count Orlok from Nosferatu and that space vampire from Buck Rogers).

I realize there are people who like the ooky stuff, but that has never been me.

When I wrote that, I had realized another important advantage of vampires if you have to fight them. I do not remember what question led to it.

Usually the questions are about your weapon in the zombie apocalypse. My thinking has changed on that as well. 

I used to always say "a machete", because I don't want to have to deal with running out of bullets (or arrows). Yes, it might need regular sharpening, and you need to have some arm strength and stamina, but I always felt good about a machete, except there is no distance. All of those longer-range weapons can require restocking, but it's still nice to not have your striking distance and the zombie's striking distance be about the same.

(Whereas vampire fighting generally assumes it is up close and personal.)

It occurred to me, though, that the real advantage of fighting vampires is you get the daytime off. Whether they need a certain amount of time to lay on their native soil or will actually burn up in sunlight, that's a huge help.

With zombies there is never any rest. Part of that is quantity, due to the much greater contagion rate. Who needs that?

I have now gone on the record regarding this important issue.

EP Review: Light-years to the Next Star by Dr. Something

While I was working on playlists -- including being unable to countenance not using Dr. Something's "Here Comes Count Dracula" -- I realized that I have had Dr. Something's lockdown EP on my listen list since March (a bit before I started doing reviews again). 

The solution was obvious.

I did know that Alison had been creating space monster art, so I was not completely surprised at the cosmic themes. They are most obvious in the second track, "Oort Cloud". However, I think the track that best captures the feelings of the quarantine and other aspects of this past time period is "Grip":

Holding onto this world, though it's cruel, please be soft,
Help my grip; keep us from falling off!

It is a non-denominational prayer for 2020 and beyond.

I remain impressed by the beauty and clarity of Alison's voice. Checking in with her silly-sad chamber pop is always worthwhile.

Light-years to the Next Star is currently available at https://drsomething.bandcamp.com/album/light-years-to-the-next-star. Dr. Something's entire catalog can be downloaded for $16.80.

Links:

https://drsomething.com/

https://drsomething.bandcamp.com/ 

https://soundcloud.com/drsomething

https://www.facebook.com/drsomethingmusic 

https://twitter.com/DrSomething

Previous reviews: 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/05/band-review-dr-something.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2019/11/concert-review-dr-something.html

 

Halloween playlists

I've been down this road before.

I thought a lot (and blogged) about Halloween music and videos in 2011 and 2013. The first thing I notice is that I have some of the same issues as always. However, this time around, I also know a lot more songs.

I wanted to create one really ultimate playlist, getting in everything good in 31 songs, one for each day in October. It was going to start with "O Fortuna" and end with "Tubular Bells", but the penultimate song would be "Hell Night" from the Misfits, because October 30th is Hell Night.

Then it fell apart.

There were a few factors, but one of the key ones was wanting to get in "Here Comes Count Dracula" by Dr. Something, which is only available via Bandcamp and Soundcloud. There are songs that don't have videos, per se, but you can still bring them up on Youtube. This is not one of them.

Somehow, that split everything apart. If the primary conflict before had been whether the song and video were both Halloween-themed, split the difference! Make one Spotify playlist, with only Halloween-themed songs, and one Youtube playlist, with only Halloween-themed videos.

The daily songs ended up being mostly videos, but that list was only finalized in the past few days. I only settled on the Youtube list last night.

(But I finished the Spotify list earlier, tested it, and it is pretty great.)

Spotify playlist:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6I5nSIXqv9ph5SvlUBK4sQ?si=07bc890f3c084caa

Youtube playlist:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWpUCC7Ou33-E2RLxs3AVn3lasZolfy1r

Then there are the daily songs, which are a bit of a mix.

These years of reviewing music have taught me that there is no ultimate, perfect playlist. Different songs and formats serve different needs and moods, so embrace plurality.

Not everything is ideal. The Spotify version of "Dracula's Tango" is not the best, and the only way Spotify has "Hell Night" is after a long silence that plays after "Don't Open 'Til Doomsday". What was available changed the way things went.

The Spotify playlist tells one story that starts off grim, and questions whether the protagonist is cursed. Eventually things become more light-hearted, with a declaration of not being "Superstitious", but still concluded by "Tubular Bells", because the eerie is still out there.

The only appropriate conclusion for the videos ended up being "Night On Bald Mountain/Ave Maria". That meant it ended up starting out more light-hearted and fun, became more dreadful, and hit its most despairing right before the end. It is darkest before the dawn, but then dawn does come and it is a new month.

October is my favorite month, but it must end.

Links will show you the songs selected for the two playlists, but I will list daily songs below, after the related posts.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2011/07/halloween-videos-and-also-rans.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/11/halloween-videos-and-misfits-songs.html 

 

October Daily Songs:

10/1 “O Fortuna” from Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, performed by James Levine and the Chicago Symphony Orchestra and Chorus

10/2 “This is Halloween” from The Nightmare Before Christmas

10/3 “I Miss You” by Blink-182

10/4 “Dead Man's Party” by Oingo Boingo

10/5 “Man Behind the Mask” by Alice Cooper

10/6 “Dream Warriors” by Dokken

10/7 “Pet Sematery” by Ramones

10/8 “A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me” by Fall Out Boy

10/9 “I Think I'm In Love” by Eddie Money

10/10 “Doing It All For My Baby” by Huey Lewis and The News

10/11 “J Train” by Reggie and the Full Effect

10/12 “Bad Vibrations” by Berwanger

10/13 “Werewolf” by Quinn XCII feat. Yoshi Flower

10/14 “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon

10/15 “La Vampiresa” by Los Tigrillos

10/16 “Night Boat” by Duran Duran

10/17 “Grimly Fiendish” by The Damned

10/18 “Dracula's Tango (Sucker For Your Love)” by Toto Coelo

10/19 “Ghost of a Texas Ladies Man” by Concrete Blonde

10/20 “Ghostbusters” by Ray Parker Jr.

10/21 “On Our Own” by Bobby Brown

10/22 “Zombie Love” by LightningCloud

10/23 “Dirty Creature” by Split Enz

10/24 “Blue Line Baby” by Nothing

10/25 “Enthralldom” by Iron Mountain

10/26 “Weighted” by frnkiero and the cellabration

10/27 “Baby You're a Haunted House” by Gerard Way

10/28 “37” by Reggie and the Full Effect

10/29 “Count Dracula” by Dr. Something

10/30 “Disconnected” by Keane

10/31 “I'm Not A Vampire (Reimagined)” by Falling In Reverse

Selecting songs; somewhat serious

I am currently working on two Halloween playlists: one for Youtube and one for Spotify.

There will be more on that tomorrow. My sense of wanting to get things exactly right, and my preferences, make that complicated enough. It is harder with the videos.

There are so many songs without music videos that it is completely logical that for any conceivable topic, there are more options without a video. My strong feeling that each playlist needed to have 31 entries made that much harder.

The first way I complicate things is by refusing to use "Thriller". I do legitimately think it's overplayed, but also, I don't want to use Michael Jackson, because I believe that he is a pedophile. I don't really want to glorify or put abusive people out there.

That put me in a quandary with both theme songs from Ghostbusters. 

That can make the prominence of Bill Murray in both videos difficult, but I can deal with that. As it is, among the people shouting "Ghostbusters!" in the Ray Parker Jr. video are Jeffrey Tambor and Al Franken. 

You know, when I first saw that video, when it was new, I would not have been able to name either of them. I was also way less likely to notice what short shrift is given to Ernie Hudson. 

"On Our Own" is worse; that has Trump footage. It is a very New York video, so I guess his inclusion makes sense, but gross!

I can totally see the slippery slope argument here: so do I not care about Bobby Brown's drug use? I am pretty sympathetic to drug and alcohol problems in general, though they then often become the excuse for abusive behavior. Bill Murray's domestic abuse and cheating was tied in with his alcoholism. 

Do I just overlook Chevy Chase generally being a jerk? Yeah, kind of.

(Also, what about those accusations I refuted a while back? I actually have an update on that, which I will get to at some point.)

The other sad and obvious thought was that in the '80s there would have been much less concern about any of it. 

I am human, and probably not completely consistent in what feels right. I used both Ghostbusters themes for daily songs, but I am not using "On Our Own" in either playlist. I am using "Ghostbusters in both playlists. It is a better fit thematically anyway. "On Our Own" references the Ghostbusters, but it could easily be worked into a theme for a completely different movie. Also, Bobby Brown has better songs, whereas I only know the one from Ray Parker Jr. (Perhaps that should be rectified.)

There was one other sad thing about "On Our Own", but not sad that way.

Among the New York familiar faces there is Christopher Reeve riding a bicycle. I didn't remember him being in there, and he is looking so healthy and handsome and also good. He really conveyed a lot of goodwill. He had a good aura, I guess.

There could be no better Superman or Clark Kent. That was a pang.

Cora-lines

At times when I thought about the movie Coraline, I also wondered about the source material. I thought it was a storybook, but when I looked once I found a graphic novel. Well, with Gaiman that makes sense, right?

Not exactly.

Once I committed to watching the movie it seemed like the right time to straighten that out. I learned that Gaiman's book would be classified more as YA, but there is a comic book adaptation, and the library also had Coraline: A Visual Companion by Stephen Jones, which documents a lot of the production process from the movie. 

I decided to check all of them out. I am not quite finished with the Visual Companion.

It also fills in some history, so in addition to telling more about the book, there is also information on the comic, a play, a puppet production, some music, and a short film made as an unofficial book trailer.

The background is helpful, though it kind of does not answer my biggest questions: what is the point of the comic book?

In a way it does, too. The writer, P. Craig Russell, is quoted about the challenge of having to trim parts from the book for length, and of his photo reference model growing older over the time of shooting. 

One, that kind of explained how little the characters resembled anything pictured from the book (the comic pre-dated the movie); his art style is more highly based-on photo-reference, and would be slow-moving. Okay, that's his method, if it works for him, great.

The other part of that method, though, was that he saw his role as illustrating the book as faithfully as possible, not adapting it.

My not understanding the point of the comic was that it was not a comic; it was an illustrated book.

Normally when you  change formats, that changes the material. Coraline the movie is far more visual than Coraline the book, but it's a movie; it should be. The creation that the Other Mother does to please Coraline is more spectacular, and things are faster-paced.

I suspect the creation of those set pieces (the garden, the mouse circus, and the theater) is why Coraline finding the Other Father in the basement does not happen in the movie; that action is not needed. The other seeking scenes are more exciting for happening in those set pieces. However, missing that moment of compassion and danger with the Other Father makes it more important that there is an Other Wybie.

That then necessitates a Real Wybie, which brings in the connections with the doll and his great aunt. I liked all of that, but they are not in the book and not needed in the book.

So it was weird to me that the comic did not feel like becoming a comic changed it; there were just more pictures. Some Goodreads reviewers hated it for that, and killing the imagination of picturing it in your head. It has plenty of positive ratings though, so obviously there is an audience for it.

That audience isn't really me, though, and that was a lot of time on something I am not a huge fan of.

I liked the movie best (which never happens). The book might have meant more to me if I'd read it younger. It was okay. A lot of people love it, and that is also okay.

For me, it just became a reason to think about adapting content to different media.

Halloween viewing: Laika edition

In keeping with with my tradition of viewing new Halloween appropriate movies each year, my original plan was for E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial and The Corpse Bride. I had thought maybe Coraline too, but also really wanted to do Parasite and The Host. I didn't think I would necessarily get all of those done by Halloween, but that was the thought.

When I started searching at the library, The Corpse Bride and Coraline both showed up in a Laika Binge Box.

Binge Boxes are relatively new to the library, inspired -- I imagine -- by all the new premium streaming services.

I had forgotten that The Corpse Bride was Laika. In fact, it is not theirs really, but they did work on it. The box had one DVD case with The Corpse Bride and then a 4 disc set with Coraline, ParaNorman, The Box Trolls, and Kubo and the Two Strings. Obviously, that was set up before Missing Link came out.

That was tempting. After all, those movies all have their eerie elements. What really tipped the scales was finding out that OMSI was having a Laika exhibit, so I could view view some models from the movies.

https://sporktogo.blogspot.com/2021/10/omsi-15-days-of-laika-through-october.html

There is still almost a week before Halloween and I have watched them all. 

It is partly a matter of having a job forcing me to use my time better. I planned the viewing times very carefully and it worked out.

(Also, E.T. is at the library waiting for me now, and I will get to my Bong Joon Ho viewing fairly soon. I may need to consider if he has other works that I want to include.)

For thoughts on the movies I did watch, I probably liked Coraline the least, and yet it was the one I spent the most time on. There will be more on that tomorrow. For the others, I kept finding them surprisingly touching.

My intention was to watch them all in order of release, which I mainly did. The Corpse Bride and Coraline were reversed, but contract work could be considered to be a separate timeline from own works anyway. The first thing that really got to me happened in The Corpse Bride.

The dead have come up to the surface for a wedding. The living are upset, but then there is a pause as one living child approaches a group of the dead. It is tense, and then "Grandpa?", and then everyone starts recognizing each other, and reuniting. It is beautiful.

Communication with the dead is initially more alienating (and inconvenient) in ParaNorman, but you later learn that the reason that Norman's dead grandmother still lingers is that she made a commitment to always look out for him. The part that really got me was the truth of the curse coming out, and that there was room for learning and healing. Other communicators had been able to keep a balance with the curse, but Norman was able to end it. Maybe his youth helped.

(Also, did Scraps in The Corpse Bride inspire Bud in ParaNorman?)

There were some themes of loss and reunion in The Box Trolls, but the one that hit me hardest came last.

I will say that from a visual standpoint alone I preferred the aesthetic of Kubo and the Two Strings. With the other films it was kind of like why does everyone have to look so weird and ugly? Of course you collaborate with Tim Burton! Even the color palettes were not attractive to me. 

Kubo looked a lot better. Also, those witch sisters were really creepy, and there was a better sense of community with Kubo's village.

Kubo also hurt me more. I was warned it would happen, but it didn't help.

I still have that weak spot for parental loss, and that was there, but the parts of the loss that were related to memory? Ouch. If you want to focus on the importance of stories, it makes sense, but ouch.

I don't think it devastated me as much as Coco, but it's in the vicinity.

None of that is a reason not to watch. It's probably good to get the crying out some times. 

I'm just noting that it happened.

Music Review: Gamma Repeater

I am not that familiar with progressive rock. 

Nevertheless, there is a strong endorsement for Portland prog (and art and electronic) rock band Gamma Repeater on their Bandcamp site:

This has become one of my all time favorite albums. Could listen to this over and over. The prog rock influences are distinct. 20th Century Tourist feels like King Crimson, Good Intentions is Genesis (Trick of the Tale era), Dinosaur starts out Pink Floyd but heads into Emerson, Lake and Palmer. Deaf blind is so catchy and my favorite track. The last track is like Yes.
All prog rock fans should listen to this and you’ll see for yourselves how great it is. Love it all. Favorite track: Deafblind. -- jbjohnson61

As evident from the text, that review is specific to their 2020 albume, Reverser in Neutral, but I think  people who like Reverser in Neutral will like 2017's G.R. as well.

I had a hard time orienting myself with the music at first, but then I heard some similarities to Ray Manzarek's organ playing in the Doors. 

Yes, there are some psychedelic accents in Gamma Repeater's music, but the emotional content does not feel as akin to the Doors. 

There is a sort of wordy storytelling to it that is almost folk-like, so maybe Donovan. I had initially thought that the tension was more puzzlement than danger, but with tracks like "Novocain" and "Superego", well, arguments could be made.

 So I think that makes Gamma Repeater interesting to listen to regardless, but my biggest takeaway is that -- even though I could not know it on my own -- I trust that in fact fans of prog rock should check them out.

https://www.facebook.com/gammarepeater/

https://gammarepeater.bandcamp.com/ 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkDibN3fOU9iFDUvMBtBjYQ/videos

Local destinations: Halloween!

It was inevitable, really: as soon as I decided to keep it light for the rest of the month, everything that I think about writing about sounds too serious.

However, writing about hoped for travel reminds me that between the pandemic and caring for my mother, I was still able to do a lot of travel writing. The travel blog, which posts on Saturdays, started because there was so much to say about Australia and New Zealsnd. There has also been a lot to say about Oregon City and Washington Park. I don't know that the travel blog is as exciting as it used to be, but it is still gratifying.

One thing that has been very gratifying is that we have done a lot of cool things. I have material for weeks, even if we stopped trying new things.

On October 2nd I started posting about seasonal things, and I have continued to do so:

https://sporktogo.blogspot.com/2021/10/hoffman-farms-fall-activities.html  

One of the downsides of blogging about seasonal events is the concern that people who might want to go after reading it will read it too late, especially given that we do many of the things on Saturdays.

Therefore, I thought it might be nice to (here on the main blog) mention some of the activities that you yourself can do this fine Halloween season. There are just two weekends left. 

Activities done, but not yet posted:

The Laika exhibit at OMSI: This only goes through the 31st. There are figures and sets on display from the five movies, which you can view on the big screen at the Empirical Theater.

The Laika exhibit is free with either a movie ticket or a regular OMSI admission. Their main exhibit is on Nelson Mandela. I highly recommend it, but that goes through February so there isn't the same time crunch.

For Halloween spookiness, I was watching many of these movies at home. That will probably be another post.

https://omsi.edu/laika-at-omsi

Pumpkin Scavenger Hunt at Cook Park: We did this last year, but had to cut it short. This year's successful completion is all the sweeter. Pumpkin signs are at five locations in the (rather large) park, with clues on their web site. Free. Through October 31st.

https://www.tigard-or.gov/recreation/index.php#pumpkin 

We will probably do this, time and weather permitting:

OMSI Halloween Laser Light Show: We just found out about this, but we have figured out how to pair it with some other things we want to do. Currently Tuesday through Sunday, at 12:30 and 4 PM. Tickets are $7.50. Their information is tied up with the ticketing, so the link might not work right.

https://tickets.omsi.edu/events/d12cd5bf-3eda-9b8e-fa0f-4fbc45b022db 

Pumpkin Display at West Linn: I just learned this existed this year, but West Linn has a long tradition of a lighted display with over 200 pumpkins. There are only four nights remaining: the 23rd, 24th, 30th and 31st, from 5 - 10 PM. Free.

http://www.pumpkindisplayatwestlinn.com/

We might still do this:

Halloween Fantasy Trail at Wenzel Farm: I have done this before, but I think it was 2003. I am curious as to how it has grown, or if it has grown. There are two problems. One is that this is supposed to be a very wet weekend, and it is outdoors. Also, getting there is such a pain, on dark winding roads, and we had two failed attempts to see their Christmas trail a few years ago. So, I am not ruling it out, but it seems less likely. Nightly through the 30th from 7 - 10 PM, but also Noon to 5 PM on Saturdays. $7 for adults, cash only.

http://www.fantasytrail.com/hallowtrail.htm

We are not doing this:

As much as we enjoyed the Oaks Park festivities last year, we are doing other things this year. Maybe you weren't there last year.

https://scaregroundspdx.com/ 

I already wrote about this:

Of the existing posts -- Hoffman Farms, the Pirates Halloween Adventure, and the Spooky Farm Walk at Frog Pond Farm -- they are all really different experiences. If you want to have a nice, not too strenuous time with young children, definitely the Pirates. If you want to spend some time listening to music and buying produce, maybe a train ride, definitely Hoffman.

And if you want to be grown-up scared, go to Frog Pond after dark. Watch your step.  

Enjoy your October! I promise you I am.

YA'll want to travel?

I had thought I might do something Halloween-inspired on the symbolism of imaginary monsters, but then I was getting caught up in the tangible harm of the real monsters. I need to spend some time figuring that out.

I may try and stick to light, fun stuff through the end of the month.

I was recently catching up on comics and read Shadow of the Batgirl by Sarah Kuhn. I liked it pretty well, and in the author information I saw another work listed, I Love You So Mochi. Requesting it from the library, I was surprised to discover it was a YA novel, not a graphic novel.

I read those too, though, from time to time, and I enjoyed this as well. It was frothy and fun and dealt with issues of family expectations and communication and finding oneself.

Most of all, it made me really want to go to Kyoto, Japan. That's where Kimi goes, and it sounds great.

Places I want to see include the Philosopher's Walk (which she did not make it to, but I can still try), Arashiyama Bamboo Forest, Todai-ji Temple, Yokai Street, Fushini Inari Taisha, Misuyubari Needle Shop (and the shopping center where it resides), and Nara Park. I would probably want to re-read the book before going.

That's cool in theory, and it gave some great pictures to look at and nice ideas. It also takes me back to October 2006, when I visited Toronto and my itinerary came mostly from Paula Danziger's It's An Aardvark Eat Turtle World:

https://sporktogo.blogspot.com/2014/05/toronto-how-i-was-brought-there-by.html 

The funny thing is, although I had written about the things I missed, like not going and eating at Mr. Greenjeans, I don't regret it that much. I mean, I was looking at the sign for Mr. Greenjeans, and I could have gone, but other things sounded more interesting. 

Instead, my primary regret relates to time concerns. At Niagara Falls, there was a behind the Falls tour that I was afraid would make me miss my bus, so I didn't take it. I went to nearby park instead, and from there I spied a giant Hershey Kiss, but I was not sure I had time to check that out. 

This means that while I do not need to return to Toronto, if I ever make it to my upstate New York itinerary (Seneca Falls, Finger Lakes, the Corning Museum of Glass, the Jell-O Museum, and especially the original Anchor Bar in Buffalo, home of Buffalo wings), that I will want to add a diversion across the border to the Canadian side of the Falls. There I will check out the local Hershey Store and take the Journey Behind the Falls. (You can ride the Maid of the Mist from either side, but other attractions between the two sides are different.)

I love these plans. Whether or not they come to fruition, they still excite me.

I am older and have traveled a fair amount, but the magic of learning about a place, wanting to go there, and then actually going there has not faded for me. 

(And at least in Japan people take disease prevention seriously!)

The surprise

Not quite two weeks ago, when I was writing about nutrition and listening to your body, I surprised myself:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/10/finding-your-power.html

The growth I have had has made me calmer and happier; I want that for other people. 

I am also aware that with more people with unprocessed issues raising children, those issues will be passed on. That is the sort of thing that can increase exponentially... people healing is just better on multiple levels.

I wasn't surprised that I ended up exhorting, but I thought it would be personal, for personal well-being. That's there, but also there is the appeal to heal so you can fight fascism. 

The fascists are really digging in; I just got called a paid leftist hack this morning. Still, previously my anti-fascism has been mainly informative, and it feels like I am being called toward organizing.

I don't yet know what all that will involve. It seems likely I will be asking people to do things more frequently.

You've been warned.

For the "hack" thing, I responded that I wished it paid, but maybe that would make it less meaningful. It does not pay either way; of that I am certain.

One more thing about work

As I have been making peace with being fat and trying to listen to my own needs, the overriding thought has been a desire for more strength and stamina.

That's logical: not only is it very practical, but I also do remember having more energy and ability before, while I never remember thinking of myself as not fat.

The tricky thing is getting there. It is easy for attempts at health to turn into attempts at weight loss, potentially bringing on disordered eating or leading to an inability to recognize progress in other areas. What is the best method? How do I measure?

Work helped me in two ways. 

For Customer Service Week, everyone in customer service -- even trainees like me, who have only taken a handful of calls -- got an Amazon gift card.

Yes, I have reservations about dealing with Amazon, but I love free stuff.

I hadn't decided what to get, and then I got a work e-mail about the Turkey Trot.

Obviously, my first thought was about the local one in Washington Park, and how my last attempt didn't go too well:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2018/11/not-as-embarrassed-as-i-could-be.html 

(Reading this again, I see that I did not mention another possible concern at that one was that everyone was running. Usually at other events I have done, there are also lots of walkers, like me. That was definitely true for the Shamrock run and the Portland Floral Walks before the Rose Parade. That may have made it more discouraging; if something went wrong, I would have been on my own.)

I did know this already, but there are many Turkey Trots.

This one is a walking challenge, to get 280,000 steps between October 25th and Thanksgiving. It requires walking only, is for a specified time period, and has flexibility for when and where... that's what I call a good start.

The only problem was that I no longer had a working pedometer; that sounds like a job for an Amazon gift card!

It felt like it all just came together in a timely fashion: here is what works for me now, and it is all through my new job.

And I do very much mean "now"; I am sure there will be other steps to take, but I have a starting place, and I feel good about it.

Music Review: Forgotten Door

Although Forgotten Door's self-titled album only came out in 2019, the band has been around for longer, starting as a cover band.

That time spent playing other bands' music may explain some of the divergent influence I hear, where at times they remind me of Santana, and at other times of Fleetwood Mac. 

However (especially in comparison to Fleetwood Mac), Forgotten Door feels much more mellow. The songs may be plaintive or wistful, but listening is overall relaxing. I come away with the strong impression that they would not engage in a bunch of unnecessary drama, making it easier to listen and relax.

Their song "Masquerade" was recently remastered and released as a single, and the band has begun scheduling new performances, though with some delays. They are also working on a new album.

You can find updates at the following links:

https://www.forgottendoor.com/

https://www.facebook.com/ForgottenDoor 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5Qz7fdezsZGN9ewrTJ0cHw

https://www.instagram.com/forgottendoor/

https://twitter.com/ForgottenDoor

The shocking truth

I wrote about my job yesterday because when I was job hunting I remembered a time when I could always get the job that I wanted. I would apply to other jobs, but I had one in mind, and I would get that one.

When that was not happening this time around, I started wondering if the problem was that I didn't know what I wanted. Then I started thinking about something else, leading to the realization.

That realization needing its own post and all of this intro is because this is going to be so shocking and difficult to believe, but if you bear with me, it will make sense:

I think I might have been able to have any boy I wanted.

Please understand that I am not in any way trying to say that I was hot or popular or sought after. I am sure I would have noticed that. Besides, while I understand the apparent appeal of such a thing, I suspect it would be quite stressful.

However, for being with the person that I wanted to be with, I did really well. They liked spending time with me. They were down for spending more time with me. I didn't appreciate it or grasp it at the time, but yeah, I did okay.

I maintain that I have been in love three times, with three honorable mentions. 

In love = On my first (known) contact with them there was this bell/lightning bolt/recognition.

Honorable mention = It wasn't as dramatic but I did feel drawn to them. 

The first of the honorable mentions was really only borderline, but every time I think I shouldn't include him, I feel guilty. He was right before the first time I fell in love, and I think things were different after that.

When other men have hit on me (at least so that I recognized that's what was going on), there had not been that thunderbolt, so I wasn't interested.  

This may seem impractical, but when I have talked myself into liking someone, it has always gone badly. The ones where it hasn't been my intent have all been people that I only grew to love more, and enjoyed spending time with, so I have to feel like it works for me. 

I get that if I were less comfortable with being single, that might not be a workable system, but as it is, I am fine. This is probably why the mere thought of trying online dating feels annoying and exhausting.

But when all of my senses go off, this is going to be someone that I can connect with, and appreciate, and really enjoy.

Even before that, when it was just boys that I thought were cute or nice (and I say boys because I mean younger ages, and this should not be interpreted as anything dirty) the boys that I wanted to play with wanted to play with me too.

When I was talking with a classmate online, and it felt like it was leading to a date, we did go on a date. It turned out that we didn't have enough in common to maintain a conversation, but we still went.

In between the play dates and dates set up via Facebook, boys I really liked at dances wanted to spend more time with me, and then I thought I should cut it short so they wouldn't get tired of me. I hurt one's feelings badly, and the other one was engaged the next time I saw him.

That fear of being annoying has been a problem all along. It did get in the way with the ones I really loved, or who would at least get an honorable mention.

I don't regret it too badly. I think getting some self-esteem earlier would have been great, but I like the person I am now. 

As much affection as I have for my first love, I think we could easily have killed that by dating. My second got really bitter and angry when he started having career problems. Maybe if we had been together, I could have supported him and it would have gone better, but maybe it is better that we didn't. I don't regret the time we did have, and if I can ever do anything for any of them, I will.

Moving forward (the only thing that you ever can do) I accept the evidence that is there: I can attract the people I am attracted to. I am no worse than anyone else, and no less worthy of love.

And things not working out will not break me; knowing that is also very important.

Six years ago I wrote about not wanting loneliness to be a problem. I didn't know if that meant being better connected and not feeling lonely or if it meant making peace with the loneliness. 

I did not consider that part of the loneliness was that feeling of connection being impossible, and the self-sabotage, and how isolating that could be.

I am exactly as unattached as I was before, but I am not lonely.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/10/this-next-section-wants.html

Job update

This is a departure from what I was blogging about. It does fit in, and it is a topic that some people have asked about.

How's the new job?

I have been working for about a month now. That started about fourteen months after moving our mother into a care facility.

Did it have to take so long?

I am not sure. I did recognize that I was tired, and that I probably needed some time to recover. I didn't think it would have to be that much, especially as succeeding at work is part of the recovery.

When I was being paid for caring for Mom, even though it was not a lot, I totally felt that boost from getting a pay check. However, there was still a lot about that particular job that could be very discouraging.

Also, there was no distance to be had. I was really only off the clock during respite time. If something went wrong during that time, I was sure to hear about it.

I currently have a set time to log in and log out. That includes breaks, and my time is my time.

It's been a while.

Possibly one thing that slowed my job search was trying to apply for jobs other than call centers. It's not the only thing I am capable of doing, but it might be the thing that my resume proclaims most loudly.

It hasn't been terrible. 

I am doing something I am good at and getting paid for it; that is very validating. Having it set up with clear boundaries is a bonus.

There are two other things that help.

Moda is a very good place to work. I was impressed before by how thoughtful and supportive everyone has been. We just completed a unit on trauma informed care, and I understand now why they are so supportive and aware. Those values are being applied to employees and to customers, and I deeply appreciate that.

It would appear to naturally flow from that philosophy that retention and growth is valued, so that means that after six months, I will have the opportunity to move to other areas. Being in a call center has not been bad, but it also does not have to be permanent.

As COVID breakthrough cases continue, with lots of people out there who revel in defying good health and hygiene practices, I am also pretty grateful it is a telecommuting job. That also saves me travel time, but the other benefit is that the pets are accessible.

I have worried that at some point an embarrassing bark or yowl will be heard, but so far it has gone pretty well. They may approach for pats, get some, and go back to entertaining themselves, and this has not been bad for the work environment. 

It is cutting into my reading-viewing-listening time, but that is mainly a matter of being more realistic about how much I can expect to do.

All in all, I am glad to be here.

Worse than ironic

My mother was really into cleaning, but also my room was really more cluttered than dirty. I think when she would nag about it, that was at least partly that it was her perception of what the mother's job is. Maybe that's a stereotype, but we all watched television; we were susceptible.

Similarly, there was a lot of reinforcement that fat was bad, and that was not just about me. I remember her always dieting. I frequently referred to her 1000 calorie a day diet and some exercise books she had, especially in junior high.

I am sure that was a factor in my self-image, but I am just as sure that my father was a worse factor. He enjoyed us a lot less. It's not that I don't believe he loved us, but it was impossible to really make him happy. I felt that. 

Although there were stiff penalties for questioning my father's authority or making him feel disrespected (like not being spoken to for two and a half years after a disagreement about driving, but that was just the one time), he was not a micromanager. He was not always telling us what to do or making sure that we did it or even giving a lot of advice. That may have given the things he said more of an impact. 

I don't remember my father ever mentioning my weight, but I do remember him saying about my sister that men want greyhounds, not Saint Bernards. My sisters and I regularly make Saint Bernard jokes; sometimes you subvert the language of the oppressor by adopting it.

There was another thing said that I didn't hear, but my younger sisters did: 

"Remember, fat boys get married; fat girls don't."

Thanks for those words of wisdom, Dad.

There is a level on which we still believe that.

(Let me just throw in that when our brother got married, the main thing I remember him saying was "At least I got a skinny one.")

We know fat girls who have gotten married of course, and others who have not. It seems like there has been more confirmation that our father was right than that he was wrong.

Except, I think he might have influenced it in another way, but never being happy with us.

Again, a lot of healing has been coming to realize that was him not being happy with himself, not that his children were worse than anyone else's. 

Also, his not being a particularly good husband may have played a role in us not pursuing marriage particularly hard. Staying single might have felt more tragic if our primary marriage example had looked happy and supportive.

It's just that I know some fathers think their daughters are great; that seems to make some things easier for those daughters.

I also know some skinny daughters whose parents are really critical. While it totally seems like they should have been able to get married, they have not.

There are many contributing factors; picking out the one that makes or breaks the ability of a person to form healthy relationships may not even be possible.

I do think it would have been nice if -- no matter how harsh the outside world was -- that inside the home had felt loving and safe.

I wish that back when I could easily roller skate for 90 minutes or bike for 10 miles that -- even though I was not skinny -- that I would have been able to see myself as more than just fat. 

This is not to say that my activity made me any worthier, but it does feel like it makes all of the "for health" motivation more ludicrous. Instead of appreciating that, or myself, I kept going back to calculating 1000 calories a day, and doing the moves in Slimming Your Hips, Thighs, & Butt and 30 Days to a Flatter Stomach. That really felt like the only thing that mattered, even if nothing ever got slim or flatter.

Not only did that keep me from knowing myself better, but it made me miss something very important, which needs its own post.

Irony?

I realized something that was interesting to me: after all of these posts about tidying and fat, those were the areas where I felt like I could never please my mother.

I don't want that to come off too harshly. Our relationship has been mostly good, but her parenting philosophy was that you need to correct children. Later I grew to understand that she didn't think I was as bad as I thought that she thought I was, but that took a while. Until some point in adulthood, I only really knew what was wrong with me.

(My father was actually a bigger part of that, and we will get there.)

It does seem like two different phenomena, because while I have learned to accept being fat, I haven't exactly accepted being disorganized. It is more complicated than that.

I am more mindful of whether certain things work well for me or not. I am sure there are organizational choices that my mother would not approve of, but the key issue has become whether or not it works for me. If it does, great; if not I will figure out what does work for me. 

I needed some room to get there, where my specific needs and wants could be sufficient justification.

In addition, I also needed to be able to let things go.

I had mentioned a while back about needing to be over-prepared, and that making it hard to travel light. 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/03/driven.html

That was not just one thing. My need to take care of everyone and do that perfectly is in there, but it was combined with a lack of trust that other people would come through, and also a scarcity mindset.

I have a specific childhood sense of being poor. I can't tell you whether that was just my specific formative time period. There are five year gaps between siblings on either side for me, so we did have different experiences regarding that. It might also just be something about me, with that whole sense of not being enough. We might have seemed poorer because of that.

Regardless, it made it hard to let things go. There was always the fear of needing it later and not having it, and the dread of being wasteful. Maybe there was concern that getting rid of something without having used it meant I never deserved it at all.

I don't doubt that it helps that there are so many better options for discarding responsibly now. Very little has to go directly into the garbage. Sometimes it requires some work to find the right method and destination, but it helps. 

It helps almost as much as it helps getting to be okay with yourself.

Album Review: Kings & Queens of the Underground and The Roadside EP by Billy Idol

This did not go the way I thought, but has been delightful all the same.

First, for that part of the retrospective when there were some bands that it was important to not leave out, but that I had never reviewed, Billy Idol was one:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2021/06/review-retrospective-not-reviewed-but.html 

There was certainly the thought that I would want to review some of them at some point, perhaps with the hope that I could see them live, but there were no concrete plans; I'm not really going to concerts right now, at least not indoors.

Then when I was on Youtube getting a daily song ready, a new Billy Idol video popped up: "Bitter Taste". It became the song of the day for September 2nd.

Then another video popped up, "Save Me Now". 

This is where I got things wrong; the two videos were stylistically similar, so I thought they were from a single album. Then I saw that the last album release was 2014. I was really late on "new".

In fact, Kings & Queens of the Underground, an album, came out in 2014, thus concurrent with Idol's excellent autobiography, Dancing With Myself. 

Idol also released an EP, The Roadside, about three weeks ago. "Save Me Now" is from the album. "Bitter Taste" is from the EP, released before the full EP was out, so was in fact very new.

I liked them both so much that I needed to include both in this review, and yet I have focused so much on those two specific releases that I can't call it a full review of Billy Idol.

Despite seven years between them, they fit well together. 

Listening, I love them. It is such a revelation of growth, and yet it is also a natural growth and maturation. It's not a departure so much as a becoming.

I hear familiar things, like a cadence on "Bitter Pill" that kind of reminds me of "Sweet Sixteen". Sometimes there are hints in the lyrics; I believe I heard the phrase "rebel yell". 

At the same time everything is deeper and richer. They are often still so much fun, like (especially the intro on) "Rita Hayworth" and "Can't Break Me Down".

"Save Me Now" probably had the most profound first impact for me.  

In the video, a man dressed as a priest (but probably not a priest) drives a cop car (the cop is handcuffed in the back) while pawing the irritated woman beside him. That seems surreal, and yet, as Idol sings about consulting the law and a priest, without much help, it suddenly makes sense that often traditional institutions that are supposed to be authoritative leave us hanging.

Despite that, there is not a surrender. He is still asking, though the answer may be more in personal relationships than traditional institutions.

And then Steve Stevens comes out, so it's perfect.

Speaking of relationships, the change that seems most striking for the EP is a theme of taking relationships more slowly, having learned the value of connection and not wanting to damage that.

Which is pretty dang mature, but it still rocks.

Old fans who have not kept up should be pleased by these developments.

There is more. More, more, more, more! More, more, more!

https://billyidol.net/ 

https://www.facebook.com/BillyIdol/ 

https://www.youtube.com/billyidolonline 

https://www.instagram.com/billyidol/

https://twitter.com/BillyIdol

Finding your power

I've got one more study for you: The Minnesota Starvation Experiment

It's not from any of my recently read books. It does sometimes come up in discussions I see on Twitter, though those are usually not so much about weight, as about social control. And yet, probably the reason those discussions are coming up is because those are people interested in fat-shaming and fat-phobia, but also interested in Michel Foucault's theories of crime and punishment, and things like that.

Many of you may have heard of the experiment, when some conscientious objectors in World War 2 served as test subjects for famine studies. I think it might have come up in 9th or 10th grade health class, or maybe in history.

It was worse than I remembered. I remembered the low energy and mood and some of the issues that track with eating disorders and that can correlate with self-harm. I know more about that now than I did then, but I remembered.

However, I know I would have remembered if they had said anything about one of the participants chopping off three of his fingers and then not remembering whether he did it accidentally or not. (Though, if that was 9th grade, I get why they didn't share that with 14 year olds.)

Without spending too much time on that, let's just consider a few things that we do know.

We know that health outcomes are largely determined by nutrition and activity, but that options for nutrition and activity may be closely tied to income and environment. This is where we can talk about food deserts, sidewalks and infrastructure, transportation, scheduling and stress, but where it also does not hurt to talk about marketing, industry, agriculture, and soil depletion.

We know that it is stuck in many people's perceptions that fat is synonymous with bad health, and also assumed to indicate repulsive personal habits like gluttony and laziness, without consideration of the factors mentioned in the previous paragraph.

We know that the body has a pretty strong idea genetically of how your body should be, and will adjust metabolism and other bodily functions to maintain. That means two things:

1. Attempts to lose weight -- especially by food restriction -- is hard on your mind and soul as well as your body.
2. That even if you succeed in reducing some body mass, that mass will probably come back with some extra.

Also remember that in 1998 the NIH declared millions of American fat by lowering the BMI based standards, even though BMI is not scientifically based, giving no consideration to muscle mass versus fat, cardiovascular fitness, blood pressure, cholesterol levels, or anything that would indicate actual health:

http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/9806/17/weight.guidelines/

All of this makes it very easy to feel -- falling disproportionately on the poor --that you are fat and that it is a personal flaw that you must change, but that each attempt to do so will sap your strength and well-being and result in weight gain, making you more of a failure.

The question to then ask yourself is whom does this serve?

Perhaps it is easiest to answer that it serves capitalism. It does.

However, there is this relationship between capitalism and racism where they serve each other, except it is not just racism but other types of bigotry as well; the weight loss industry benefits a lot from the sexist double standard.

It's something that I think about a lot personally; I have worked on dealing with my own feelings about my fat a lot. There's been progress, but it's still not a thrill. 

On a broader level, I am becoming more aware all the time of the need to fight fascism -- which benefits greatly from racism and sexism and every stupid patriarchal prejudice -- and we can't afford to lose you.

Maybe it's just because I see so many people I care about (mainly women) feeling less because of their body, not even able to know what is good about their body, but there are so many better things to do, and you are needed. 

There is so much power among us, and capitalism would have us fritter it away to fit a false standard set up to get your money on a repeating loop.

Don't do it.

Comprehending

The two studies from yesterday (iron absorption with unfamiliar foods and nutrient absorption with stress) I found only in Health At Every Size. The two studies for today come up in almost all of the books. 

The primary study is "Actual Causes of Death in the United States” (McGinnis and Foege, 1993):

 https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpubh.2020.00279/full

It is often mentioned in relation to another "study" (I have to use the term more loosely here) by David Allison. This gave a number of 400,000 deaths per year from obesity. That number had to keep going down, because even if you trusted all of the data, the math seemed to require a lot of extrapolation and some rounding.

(Allison was highly subsidized by various companies that had a vested interest in there being an obesity crisis.)

However, Allison was not the only one to use McGinnis and Foege's work incorrectly. They fought back on a regular basis, but even hearing about that before, this time around reading Happy Fat, I understood it better.

The substance of the study was that after lots of research and data, what largely determined health outcomes was nutrition and activity. People cited that as proof of the danger of obesity, but that's not what the researchers said.

What I realized this time was that the people citing it as proof of the danger of obesity had obesity so firmly in mind as the result of low activity and poor nutrition that they could not imagine those factors not meaning obesity.

That correlation is not a given.

This is why there are terms like metabolically healthy obesity as opposed to "metabolically obese, normal weight", sometimes delightfully called "skinny fat".

I was once in a diabetes education class with a lean and muscly guy who worked on roofs all day. His typical lunch was a big bag of potato chips.

He dropped out of the class because he could not believe that he had diabetes. The diagnosis was obviously a mistake; look at him!

Equating body size with health sabotages health. 

It allows the assumption of health for people who are not healthy but are thin. 

It discourages people who are trying to become healthier (which should be possible), making them more likely to give up when they fail to become skinnier (which may not be possible). 

It makes people choose pathways that are less likely to result in good health by setting the wrong priorities.

And it allows fat-phobia to feel justified. People who take sneaky photos at the gym or cat call people out for a walk can respond to any requests for dignity by righteously making it all about health. 

Because that fat-phobia has so much reinforcement -- socially, intellectually, and financially -- it allows doctors to feel an aversion to their fat patients, where they leave tumors undiscovered or withhold care until the patient can earn that care by losing weight. Not all doctors, but too many.

Mentally, we seem to have married the idea of a slim body size with health, and that seems to have reinforced the perceived relationship between a slim body size and the worth of the individual.

All of those ideas need to get divorced.

Absorption

I recently decided to quit buying baby carrots.

Yes, I am aware that they are simply carved out of regular size but unshapely carrots -- not young carrots -- but it made them remarkably convenient. I could put them on the table with a quick rinse and people would eat them, but I could also cook them with a roast or a few other recipes, and everyone liked them either way. They just worked well for us.

That was largely because they tasted good, and they don't anymore.

I don't know if they are coming from a different farm, or a different breed of carrot, or if the issue is the soil (we don't talk about soil depletion enough), but lately eating them has just been a chore.

It may also be a chore that accomplishes nothing.

There were two studies mentioned close together in Health At Every Size.

One took a group of Thai women and Swedish women and fed them a traditional Thai meal. The Thai women -- eating a familiar food -- absorbed 50% more iron.

Now, just because a food is unfamiliar doesn't mean it has to stay that way; you can eventually become more fond of your green smoothie or quinoa or protein bars.

In addition, there are some tricky things about iron absorption, where you might expect any nutritional difficulties to be more pronounced with iron than with other vitamins and minerals.

There still may be some self-sabotage to designing nutritious meals that you hate.

That is not the only factor. In the other study, they had a woman drinking a nutrient drink. She started just drinking, then began having to complete tasks with people talking in each ear. Although she kept drinking, she stopped absorbing nutrients.

Whether it is Slim-Fast or Ensure, drinking it at your desk while working may not be that beneficial.

There are cases to be made in here for mindful eating and for trying to reduce stress (so many good reasons to reduce stress, so much stress to work with), but also there is a real argument for enjoying your food.

This is a shame, because people so often feel guilty about that. 

It's also not the easiest balance to achieve, because highly processed foods are chemically engineered to make you love them, and developing a taste for more natural and nutritious food can take some effort. 

I maintain that all of it becomes easier if you can get over desperately wanting your body to look a certain way and hating that it doesn't. 

But also, once again individuality rears its head.

Coriander is a herb with many health benefits. We also call it cilantro, and somewhere between 4 to 14% of the population thinks it tastes like soap. It's genetic. Some of us genetically have an intense hatred of cruciferous vegetables.

That's me, actually, with the cruciferous vegetables; I am fine with cilantro. (I think lavender smells soapy, so I don't really like that.)

Actually, for me it is more when cruciferous vegetables are cooked. Those people who say roasting Brussels sprouts makes them taste like candy... well, it's just a genetic difference between us; I shouldn't hold it against you.

I can shred raw Brussels sprouts as a salad base and like them. I can sometimes deal with cabbage and broccoli if they are only very lightly cooked, but I never truck with cauliflower. 

I have decided that's okay; there are lots of other vegetables out there. It wasn't a total surrender or I would never have tried the salad with the shredded sprouts, but whatever food group you are looking at, there are a lot of options. There are many different varieties of fruits, vegetables, grains, proteins, and cheeses, and myriad ways of preparing them. You should be able to find ones that work for you.

There is definitely room for improvement in agriculture and access (which should include talking about soil depletion), but you don't have to follow anyone else's formula on how to be healthy. Their needs may be specifically different from yours.

Personally, if I go a few days without meat, I am going to start biting people. I'm not saying that's ideal, but I know it about myself, and so I work with what I know about my body.

Thought for food

We are switching from talking about tidying to talking about eating and health. That may seem like a change in focus, but that ability to tune into yourself is equally important.

I am going to focus on some studies in other posts, but first I want to mention something from Health At Every Size by Lindo Bacon.

They mention a story about their son when he was a baby. One day Lindo's mother was feeding the baby. He did eat, and then he stopped. The grandmother tried pleading and the airplane thing, feeling that more eating needed to happen, but the child was done.

The point was that -- even for infants -- we don't listen to their body cues.

I get that there can be a lot of anxiety about raising children. Hold on to that thought while I mention my dog, but also know that I am in no way saying that having pets is equivalent to having children. Humans and other animals are different; got it!

However, a pet is a living creature for whom you are responsible and yet where they may have difficulty in communicating their wants and needs. Therefore, there might be some similar applications.

Dellie is a good girl, but sometimes -- especially in warmer weather -- she seems to become a food snob. She will even get picky with treats sometimes, dropping one that she was perfectly happy with the day before. 

I think she does like variety, perhaps more than the average dog, but when she skips three meals in a row, it's hard not to worry and get desperate, and maybe add special things that she then does eat. 

That is why I think that the snobbery and variety is at least a part of it, but also, probably sometimes she just isn't hungry. I can't just ask her to tell me.

Since she is still interested in treats, that tells me that it is probably not indigestion or tooth pain or something like that. She still has good energy. Her weight is not fluctuating. All of that leads me to conclude that it is fine for her to skip these meals; she will eat when she is ready.

If she were lethargic, or tried eating and whimpered, or ate a little then threw up, or was suddenly getting thinner or I were noticing something with her stool, then it is time for the vet. Even without language, there are many indicators of how she is doing.

There are similar indicators that you can use to figure out what is going on with your child. 

If your child stops eating the carrots at one point, but then by the next meal time will eat them again, that was probably just the child being full.

If the child always clamps up on peas, your child may hate peas. 

That can be trickier, as food variety is an important part of nutrition, but during the baby food stage that is not a tragedy. Maybe you can have a go with peas later. If for now the child is good with green beans and pears and bananas, well, maybe that's sufficient.

A certain amount of observation is necessary anyway, right? You need to keep an eye out for developing allergies, and you would probably be keeping an eye out for energy levels and growth. You will definitely be aware of output, with an opportunity to notice it with every diaper change.

It seems possible that you can safely start recognizing and honoring signals for fullness, first tentatively and then more confidently. That can be a great gift to your child, and to you.

That makes the next question whether you can do that for yourself.

Children generally grow up, meaning that even if your worry levels stay high, your control levels do not. 

Your responsibility for yourself stays with you for all of your life.

Can you honor that?

Album Review: The Summers To Come by Seasonal

Seasonal has always felt like a band for autumn days with a chill in the air, but "In the Dark with the Light On" seems especially right for the moment, perhaps because it mentions Halloween.

I first reviewed Seasonal back in 2017. Because Spotify had another band mixed up with theirs, my review accidentally took in an album that was not theirs:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2017/08/band-review-seasonal.html 

I made updates, but I felt bad and determined that I would review them again. A new album released earlier this year (and me doing reviews again) makes this a good time.

The Summers To Come is a solid continuation of their previous work, music that quietly gets under your skin before you have even realized it.

Tinged with melancholy, it is made more poignant knowing that the band has experienced the loss of their singer since recording, and knowing the losses that many of us have experienced in the recent past.

However, even right now, with summer recently departed, there remains the promise of more summers to come, and good things that happen with the fall and throughout the year.

I have faith that Seasonal can adapt, and I wish them well.

https://www.seasonaltheband.com/

https://www.facebook.com/seasonaltheband 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CONgtlojrit/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCseCedDMKucSw9IACmNZ4Wg

https://seasonaltheband.bandcamp.com/ 

https://soundcloud.com/seasonaltheband

https://twitter.com/seasonaltheband

Your own worth

My ghost name is Ginooat:

https://twitter.com/nathanwpyle/status/1437233812203782145 

As you can see, the parameters for knowing your ghost name are somewhat arbitrary, but it is just for fun. I like it better than a lot of these, because by only going with your first name, it has no signs of being a ploy to pull in tools for identity theft or password hacking.

There are still people unhappy with it. As you don't need a ghost name, and even if you want one you can set your own rules for deciding your ghost name, it is not a problem.

Yesterday I was in a discussion about clothing. One woman who loves hoodies no longer wears them outside the house because she read that is not something to do once you are in your forties. Another person felt a need to make her towels match after a similar article recommend that.

If you start looking for lists of things you should own or stop doing or definitely have in your closet or never wear again at different ages, you will find many.

My obvious question is "Says who?" Probably the answer is right in the byline of the list, but is it someone you know and care about? Because getting to write a listicle doesn't actually require that much authority.

You may have the ability to influence your friends or children, where you can make them feel good or bad about clothes, homes, and life choices. If so, please use your power for good and not to make people feel inferior or spend money for things they don't really want.

On the other hand, if you are the person being influenced this way, how much do you like the person at the root of the times when you feel less? 

Even if you like the way they dress or wear their hair or arrange flowers, their way would still not be the only way. Other ways can be valid.

There is no need for this approach. If someone wrote a list of "10 things that made me feel like a grownup", and one of them was getting matching towels, and one was buying a nice jacket, I would have no problem with that, regardless of whether I thought any of the ideas were good.

I don't know if the writers (or their editors) don't feel like their opinions would merit that kind of treatment, or if taking on that authority is part of the appeal. From the editorial point of view, the more aggressive voice tends to attract more attention, even if some of that attention is negative.

You still do not have to respect this authority, especially if that will mean buying things you don't need, wearing clothes you don't like, and feeling like everything about you is wrong.

Often women over 40 will enjoy that feeling of the pressure relaxing as they can do their own thing. The 26 year old may still care if a magazine chastises her for having stuffed animals on the bed, but the 46 year old usually is less worried about outside opinions. 

The listicles are still trying to get you. Don't let them.

Personally, I am almost 50, and good luck telling me anything.

Values

One of the other things that people had fun criticizing about Marie Kondo is that she opened up an online store. That hypocrite! Make us get rid of our things so we can buy yours!

Except -- once more for everyone in the back -- her philosophy is not about minimalism and not having anything, but having things that make you happy to see and use, which she most commonly refers to as sparking joy.

Her taste may be completely different from yours, but if your tastes are similar, her store is where you can find some items. 

I remember going to the store and looking when it was first announced. I noticed that she really seems to like brass -- she mentions the way the appearance changes over time, though I suspect there are other tactile qualities as well -- and tends toward items made by craftspeople, not automation.

They also tend to be expensive, possibly out of reach for some. 

Have you ever priced handmade quilts? They are expensive. They also require hours and hours of stitching. The amount of time put into it probably means that even at the price that seems expensive, the cost of labor and materials means that the maker did it for a wage you wouldn't accept. For someone who loves quilting, they may accept that not having their time fully valued, but will still feel murderous at you offering them $20.

They are not my thing anyway, but I could not afford a handmade quilt. 

Money is not the only way to get them. Sometimes you have a grandmother who makes every grandchild one, or maybe you can make your own, or you buy something from an assembly line but maybe you still like the colors... ideally, you are able to like the things you have, even if you don't have everything you like.

Taking the time to listen to yourself to understand what you like and don't like is valuable for that.

Throwing out 30 bags of trash doesn't happen from getting what you really like.

Not having anything that really feels right for you, however, might lead you to buy additional things. Looking for the one thing that will make it all feel like enough could take thirty bags.

Trying to buy what other people say you should have is also likely to end up giving you thirty large trash bags worth of something.

It doesn't mean it would be trash to everyone, but that is not the point. 

What will feel valuable to you?

Defensive

I have this problem, where I get unreasonably irritated when I see people posting about things that I have already covered in the blog. I do know that not that many people read it, but if only they would!

Anyway, after having several posts referencing Marie Kondo's work, including two specifically focused on books, one friend posted a meme and then a friend of hers replied with something else, and they both irritated me.

The meme was a picture of Marie Kondo suggesting that you limit yourself to 30 books, split screen with a picture of a big pile of books saying "Where? On my nightstand?". Then the reply was about Marie Kondo having once gotten rid of things belonging to her family members and criticizing that.

Those were technically two separate irritations (beyond why more people are not reading what I have to say), and each of those is an example of a larger concern, so we are going to fill out the week dealing with this.

For the meme itself, okay, we have covered how everything about her method is based on what works for you, and what is joyful for you.

It should be pretty well-established that I love books. Even so, there are books that it does not benefit me to own, if for no other reason than that it may get in the way of finding the books I want.

Funny story: during the long period where the library was closed due to the pandemic, there was a book that I was sure I had turned in before, but it did not show as checked in. It was at the bottom of a stack of books on my nightstand. Of course, there is another book of mine that I should be able to find, but can't. Maybe that went in the library slot, convincing me that I had turned the other one in; they were on related topics.

That does not spark joy. 

Maybe you can have 250 books, and be happy, but that happiness requires getting a bookcase. Maybe you would be happiest with 20 books and a library card. The point is that it is about you, so the common response of indignation -- albeit often humorous -- to this tyranny is wrong, and only comes up because of a refusal to take in any context. 

(Which, in all fairness, is an issue that crops up in many other frustrating ways.)

The reply was worse. The standard response would be something about needing more books, maybe humorous, maybe indignant.

Instead, evidence was offered of Kondo being a troubled person.

It is true that as a somewhat neglected middle child who was obsessed with tidying but not caught up yet on the need to have items that spark joy, she did sometimes tidy things that weren't hers. She did acknowledge that, and that it was wrong. It's in the book.

Also wrong: when there were things she knew she did not want but felt guilty discarding them, she sometimes gave them to her younger sister as "presents". (A solution also provided in the Swedish death cleaning article.) 

Kondo's interest in tidying started early, but she had a lot of false starts, many of them happening very young. She is open about that.

The negativity about Kondo seemed a little spiteful, but that the commenter would know that detail -- either without having context or without caring about the context -- is interesting. It seems like it would require having gotten that from another source.

There were a lot of negative articles and things about Marie Kondo a few years ago, I think in response to the show. That was what drew my initial interest. I would see other people defending against the willful misunderstanding and noting that a lot of the criticism was racist. 

It seems that is still happening. Now I am one of the defenders.

I fully realize that my friend who posted the meme was not acting maliciously. I don't know her friend who replied, but that was probably not conscious malice either; just something that got stuck in the head, and now will come to mind any time Marie Kondo is mentioned.

However, what is out there for us to see and hear, what sticks, and and why... that all has a lot of factors going into it. It is important to understand how racism and capitalism influence us. 

There will be more on that.