Wednesday, January 14, 2026

Fly, my thoughts (Va pensiero)

January 3rd through 8th songs were a mix of classical opera and contemporary hits from around the time my parents met.

For as long as I can remember, my mother's favorite operas were Aida, Madame Butterfly, and Nabucco.

Two of those are much more famous than the other. I was able to take her to see both Aida and Madame Butterfly; I found a DVD recording of Nabucco for her. It was performed at L'Arena in Verona, where we had been together, so that was pretty cool, but it just doesn't get performed much now.

Madame Butterfly is by Giacomo Puccini and I think there are some things that are different about her love for that, so that will be a separate post.

Aida and Nabucco are both by Giuseppe Verdi. I think a lot of my mother's love for opera came from her father, and that is especially true for Nabucco, with its chorus, "Va Pensiero."

She always told me it was important to him because it was an anthem for Italians when they were under Austrian rule. As I was thinking about songs that were important to her, I started to wonder more about that. 

I was pretty sure it wasn't all of Italy, but maybe just the North. A little research indicated that it had to have been the kingdom of Lombardy-Venetia, which existed from 1815 to 1866, when they were finally able to join with the rest of Italy, after first being ceded to France. (Italian unification was a lengthy and somewhat complicated process). 

We are from the Veneto, so this is the area. 

My grandparents were old, but not old enough to have been under Austrian rule.

Grandfather's father, Pietro, would have been 14 when they regained their independence. However, his father Domenico was five when the kingdom was created. Domenico died when Pietro was only 10. I don't know if he died in the fighting, but I can believe that there were some strong emotions tied into that song from an opera introduced in 1842 (just over one hundred years before my mother was born).

Shortly before its composition, Verdi had lost his wife and children to illnesses. He swore he would never compose again. The director of La Scala made him take the libretto, written by Temistocle Solera. Originally resisting looking, Verdi opened it to "Va Pensiero" based on the 137th Psalm.

The music came back to him, and he wrote again. 

Perhaps Solera should get more credit. In opera the libretto is often considered unimportant. As it was, Solera had already written one opera with Verdi before Nabucco and wrote three more in the next few years after. Still, the song is mostly associated with Verdi; onlookers in Milan began singing it spontaneously at his funeral procession and Toscanini conducted a version at Verdi's re-internment.

There was a powerful love for that song, and it is a powerful story of recovery from loss. I still don't know that I would have blogged about it if not for two other things that came up in my research. 

One is that various scholars dispute that Verdi meant for the song to be about independence. 

By all accounts, he was a very private man; there is not a proclamation of his determination. He was nonetheless associated with the move for independence and unification (The Risorgimento). The next opera that Verdi and Solera did together is also considered to have patriotic themes. 

Probably a coincidence. 

In addition, reading about Lombardy-Venetia, I found this:

"Austrian General Karl von Schonhals wrote in his memoires that the Austrian administration enjoyed the support of the rural population and the middle class educated at the universities of Pavia and Padua, who were able to pursue careers in the administration."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kingdom_of_Lombardy%E2%80%93Venetia 

His explanation is that the nobles mistrusted the Austrians because they got positions through their nobility rather than their education, so it was the nobles who were into independence, not the common people.

Okay, as far as I can tell, Garibaldi was not aristocratic, but born to a merchant family and had some education. That should make him exactly the pro-Austrian type, yet somehow he became the key leader in the Risorgimento. He did at times work with monarchists, and certainly a movement can become more popular after it succeeds... but I think von Schonhals is projecting there.

As the granddaughter of a railroad man who was the son of a farmer, we say that song was about independence and yearning for freedom. 

That may not even matter that much, except that people lying about the motivations and the beliefs of those who oppose them, always having a way to justify themselves, feels relevant right now.

"If you are silent about your pain, they'll kill you and say you enjoyed it." -- Zora Neale Hurston

I would be reluctant to use a quote that serious if not for the murder of Renee Good.

Of course, this administration lies more about how you deserved the killing than that you enjoyed it, but they lie a lot.

They also say history is written by the victors, so maybe it doesn't matter what an Austrian general thought after they lost the territory. Maybe the reason the Italians remember it differently is because they finally did become free.

It feels important to express ourselves now. Speak, write, yes, complain, but do not leave the lies unanswered. 

That can have an effect generations later. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2026

Musically all about my mother... and my father... and me

If it looks like I am obsessing over this pending death, that may be true.

Some of it is figuring out how to handle things combined with my tendency toward rumination.

I don't know that I have actually written this before, but concerns I used to have about my mother's death were that it would happen during a #365FeministSelfie year; when things are hard I don't love capturing that on film. 

We made it into the new year.

In addition, I have worried about it interrupting a specific sequence in the daily songs. At one time I had thought of about seven songs that were important to her, and that I would play those, no matter what, giving a one-week break whenever it happened. 

That could actually work better now as I have seen and accepted sequences getting disrupted a lot this year. However, feeling like this is going to be the month and thinking about music more for a variety of reasons, that is January's theme. If it happens this month, we are already here.

(Then I think February will be all really emotional, grieving songs, so again, we will already be there.)

These are the favorite songs that would have been there for that week, as well as enough others to equal thirty-one days, and to give some overview of her life. 

It is a way of celebrating her, and grieving her, but also a way of noticing things and putting them into perspective.

I hope that will help me with some of the other things I am trying to figure out. 

I do still intend to write about the full list as a media post after the month is done, but some things are bringing up many thoughts. They can have their own posts. At this point, I do not intend to write about any of the songs before they have actually been the song of the day.

So, am I just going to wallow in grief for the rest of the month?

I don't think so. I hope not.

Besides, some of them may take unexpected directions, like tomorrow's intended post.

I promise, I am still thinking about politics. That could come up tomorrow. There will also be things relating to hope and human relations and living a good life.

I am not feeling my most calm and collected. 

For songs that don't require a long post, I started with "New Year's Day" by Reggie and the Full Effect, and then January 2nd was "The '59 Sound" by The Gaslight Anthem.

The first one was not just for the day, though that was convenient. I had used it exactly one year before.

It is from the album 41, inspired by a year where James Dewees lost his mother, his mother-in-law, and his marriage. There were a lot of hospital rooms and a lot of pain.

Hearing it, it sounded like my future. Not the same timeline or circumstances, but some very similar emotions. The enormity of the loss and the insufficient comfort of "she feels no pain" hit really hard. 

Maybe next year I won't need that song so much anymore.

"The '59 Sound" is a pretty great song in general, but also wonders "which song they're gonna play when we go" and "Did you hear your favorite song one last time?"

I have played and sung favorite songs for her, and sometimes that is what breaks through the most. That is part of needing to go over them again. 

Friday, January 09, 2026

Childrens books for Hispanic Heritage Month (especially for October)

There is a confluence of different things here. 

One factor is that while I was reading various picture books for Halloween, I ran into several that were Spanish language or by Hispanic authors.

Please remember that Hispanic Heritage Month runs from September 15th through October 15th, so the last half of it is very much Halloween-adjacent.

In addition, what I am working on now for that reading is going through all of the winners of the Américas award, the Pura Belpré awards and the Tomás Rivera awards. 

There is a fair amount of overlap, but that's a lot of books. It's a good idea to get them out of the way, and more than half of them are ghostly.

Not ghostly:

The Night of Las Posadas by Tomie dePaola

DePaola comes up with a lot of holiday stuff, generally retelling legends and folklore. I generally find that I like other versions of the same story better.

My Name Is Celia: The Life Of Celia Cruz / Me Llamo Celia: La Vida de Celia Cruz by Monica Brown and Rafael López

Solid introduction to Cruz with a lot of energy in the art.
 
Bravo, Chico Canta! Bravo by Pat Mora, Libby Martinez, and Amelia Lau Carlling

Pretty fun, but I thought it was a little too wordy.

Ghostly

The House, The Ghost, and Me/La casa, la fantasma, y yo by Tessa B.H. Ruiz and Eliza Morena

Better illustrated than written, as there was a kind of weird rhythm to the story.     

El susto de los fantasmas by Alma Flor Ada and Vivi Escrivá

I am pretty fond of Alma Flor Ada. This is a cute story with a twist. 

Cheech and the Spooky Ghost Bus by Cheech Marin and Orlando L. Ramirez

This is probably my favorite. I am not even sure it is the best, but c'mon! It's Cheech! 

La Llorona Can't Scare Me/La Llorona no me asunta by Xavier Garza 

Once again there is a connection between ghosts and luchadores that I don't quite understand, but this is probably a good book for bedtime rituals and fear of the dark.

Prietita and the Ghost Woman by Gloria Anzaldúa and Maya Christina González

Okay, if Cheech's book is not my favorite, then it is this one. You have a great author/illustrator combination in a story that reclaims La Llorona and is essentially a coming of age story. Excellent work. 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/12/ghostly-childrens-picture-books.html  

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/10/spotlight-on-jose-carlos-andres.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2024/12/cuentos-hispanic-heritage-month.html 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2018/07/childrens-books-pura-belpre-award.html 

Thursday, January 08, 2026

Dialectics

I'm afraid that I am going to be more annoying this year.

That's not a resolution, just a prediction. 

Annoying people is one of the things I am really insecure about, but if it feels like the right thing to do...

Over the last month I have contradicted two friends' posts. One was about Artificial Intelligence and one was repeating leftist talking points, focusing on Democrats as Republicans destroy the country. 

My feelings on those topics are no secret, but generally I share my opinions through my own posts -- whether a blog post or a status update -- and let other people say whatever they want.

That is starting to feel insufficient.

Let me get back to dialectics.

I believe I have also previously expressed that I tend to find philosophy very annoying, but I sometimes find it useful. 

Dialectics have been following me around over the past year, coming up in The Next American Revolution: Sustainable Activism for the Twenty-First Century by Grace Lee Boggs, which I finished in July, and in The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change by Pauline Boss, which I finished for the second time through last month.

They stuck in my head more for two reasons. One was that I have a friend who is into Hegelian dialectics so when it comes up in a book, I think of her and let her know. (To be fair, as Boss uses the term it is really more classical and Fichte rather than Hegel. See, I annoy myself with that, but clarity and correctness is important to me.)

In addition, in Boggs' work there is a mention of a mentor who "excommunicated" a few of the group as they adapted their philosophy. The name sounded familiar, and yes, I had read C.L.R. James' The Black Jacobins back in 2016. 

Although at the time that was all I knew of him, I remember feeling like it was out of date. It was written almost sixty years before I read it, so that wasn't necessarily all James' fault, but it seemed believable that he might fight change and evolution.

What I see now -- especially via Facebook, but not exclusively -- is that there are strong tides of influence that are often poorly understood. They stay powerful because of ubiquity or propaganda or comfort and habit, where people really need to update and adapt but aren't doing it. 

My posting on my own feels insufficient; I know the algorithm isn't on my side.

It looks like that is going to lead to me being more confrontational. I hope I do it in a thoughtful and considerate way, but no one really enjoys receiving contradiction. (Some people love giving it, but I do not.)

If I am doing this because I am so sure that I know better... well, you can see why I an concerned that I am going to be more annoying.

But if it's important...
 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/06/rejecting-ai-as-much-as-possible.html  

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/09/case-studies-possibly-most-relevant-one.html 

Wednesday, January 07, 2026

Just chewed up around the edges

My sisters have several friends in the process of losing parents. We know we are not the only ones.

I am going to sound a little mean about this one.

As much as I acknowledge that life is hard in general, some people do have it easier. One aspect of that may be not having to work.

I also acknowledge that a lot of jobs should have better leave policies and backups in place, especially for illness.

Regardless, if one particular person is a bit more self-absorbed, more demanding of support and sympathy, and also takes a lot of time off work and has more money in the family background... I suspect those things going together is not a coincidence.

Anyway, when asked how she was doing, she said that her therapist said she was "consumed with grief."

That sounds bad, but it is also a luxury and probably not really good for her.  

Yesterday I mentioned realizing that the cumulative grief that keeps welling up is probably a product of grief I have put to the side while doing other things. 

It's not that I never felt any of it, and it's not that there aren't some issues with putting it to the side... I don't think I have been as balanced as I should be.

That being said, I think it is good to have things to do.

It is possible that part of my current crying jags is that it is easier to lose concentration on schoolwork than on a job, though that's questionable too. 

I would say that my being in school instead of having a job is the reason why I am making the phone calls and things, but based on past history there is a good chance I'd have been the one doing a lot of that anyway. Is our family perfectly balanced? No. I am not sure if we are worse than other families, but no.

I still see some advantage to us in that we have to rally ourselves and keep going, over and over again.  

I like that about us, but I also see the downside. One point Pauline Boss made in The Myth of Closure is that we can't have resilience be the solution for social ills that we could prevent.

Children can be resilient, it is true, but that does not mean that experiencing hunger or homelessness is good for them, especially if we start looking at research into Adverse Childhood Experiences.

I am grateful to be in school right now, and that I have some control over my schedule. 

I am also grateful that I  have to report to my mentor weekly and to my Employment Department person every two weeks. That makes a difference.

I am grateful to have a sense of responsibility that was developed over the years and does relate at least partially to hardships. 

I am also fortunate to live with people who do have jobs; I would feel some shame if I wallowed too much. Also we have the same heartache going on and can commiserate about it.

Frankly, some extra money would solve a lot of our issues, and it would be great if that were an option. 

For now, we are getting by.

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/03/is-that-what-was-happening.html  

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/12/dealing-with-ambiguity.html 

Tuesday, January 06, 2026

Over the holiday break...

I haven't written one of these kinds of posts since December 18th.

There is a level on which I thought that was very sensible, because people are busy over the holidays.

I would be lying if I said school and grief weren't issues.

The grief is an important part of that.

I wrote various cards and letters, because the holidays are also a good time to connect. I even talked to some people. 

One thing that kept coming up is how the grief is overtaking me more now. 

In some ways this is practical. I am writing to funeral homes and updating the death list and messaging siblings and answering their questions. The sense of the impending loss is more present now.

In another way, I have been feeling like it shouldn't be this bad. We have been dealing with losing Mom for literally years. Since I am still quite sure that is going to be much worse when she actually does die, why does it also have to be worse now?

It hardly seems fair.

But many of these conversations and letters and thoughts have been with other people who have faced loss, including sometimes specifically with dementia.

It has been good to catch up, and has also shed some light.

Over the years I have felt grief, but I have also put a fair amount of it to the side because there were things I needed to do. 

Now a lot of the things I am doing are specifically about that. It's not really at the side, and there has been enough grief accumulated that it could be coming out for a while.

Also, one of the things I decided to do was that January would all be songs that related to my parents and this process. In the song selection I am deliberately listening to songs that bring strong emotions. That is self-inflicted.

But there is relief in it as well.

And I am going to need to draft an obituary. 

I do keep learning more. I am sure at some point there will be posts about what questions to ask and things to think about when a loved one is dying. I like being able to be helpful, and to take all of these thoughts and problems and put them into words.

I am okay and this is hard.

Those things are equally true. 

Friday, January 02, 2026

Songs for Native American Heritage Month

This year has been largely about things not fitting into easy boxes but still being okay.

Last year's Hispanic Heritage Month daily songs stretched from September 17th through November 24th, giving short shrift to Native American Heritage Month.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2024/12/daily-songs-for-hispanic-heritage-month.html  

I kind of had in mind that I would make up for that this year, and the article with the Indigenous Halloween playlist got the ball rolling.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/11/songs-squeezed-in-between-things.html 

That (plus a couple of my own) gave me Indigenous artists from October 24th through November 4th; what was I going to do after that?

I was reading The Firekeeper's Daughter by Angeline Boulley, and there were some cars that were important to the story as well as actual attendance at a powwow, and I just kept thinking of "NDN Kars" by Keith Secola. I had to start there. 

11/5 “NDN Kars” by Keith Secola

Looking for some inspiration, I found that the ACLU has a Native American Heritage Month playlist compiled by their Native and Indigenous staff. Listening to that, I found other songs that I liked and wanted to include.

In some cases they were inspired by the list. For example, I used a different Testament song than the one that was on the list, but I had not even had Testament in mind, so the list was still helpful. 

Also, this playlist is how I discovered that Romeo Void's Debora Iyall was Cowlitz; I'd had no idea.

11/6 “Yellowstone” by Digawolf
11/7 “I’m Alive (Life Sounds Like)” by Michael Franti
11/8 “Idle No More” by Pura Fé
11/9 “Why” by Supaman
11/10 “American Dream” by Raya Zaragoza
11/11 “Fallen Soldiers” by Inez Jasper feat. Fawn Wood
11/12 “Train, Train” by Blackfoot
11/13 “Imigtaq” by Riit
11/14 “Peace and Power” by Joanne Shenandoah
11/15 “Witchi Tia To” by Jim Pepper
11/16 “I Didn’t Know” by Sugluk
11/17 “The Devil Is a Blue-Eyed Man” by Celeigh Cardinal
11/18 “Bombs Over Baghdad” by John Trudell
11/19 “La Danza Azteca” by Nauhuatl Sound System
11/20 “Heart Song” by Ronnie Spector
11/21 “Cherokee Morning Song” by Walela
11/22 “Future Street” by Martha Redbone
11/23 “Closer Still” by Douglas Spotted Eagle
11/24 “Soft Stud” by Black Belt Eagle Scout
11/25 “Pueblos” by Sara Curruchich feat. Lila Downs
11/26 “Vibrant Colors” by Zoon
11/27 “Inter-Tribal” by Thunder Mountain Singers
11/28 “Love Song” by Nukariik
11/29 “Native Funk” by Burning Sky
11/30 “The Big Ones Get Away” by Buffy Sainte-Marie
12/1 “Big City Dreams” by Adrain Sutherland
12/2 “Just Too Easy” by Romeo Void
12/3 “Trail of Tears” by Testament
12/4 Ghost Dance by Bill Miller

I had also had in mind to give all of the artists with Halloween songs other songs, so I did some additional listening to each of those ten artists (as well as RedCloud who is from my own list). 

I gave more than one extra song to Link Wray. I regret nothing.

12/5 “Wovoka” by Redbone
12/6 “Slinky” by Link Wray
12/7 “Broken Arrow” by Robbie Robertson
12/8 “Immutaa” by Beatrice Deer
12/9 “Dangerous Games” by Derek Miller
12/10 “Would You Know Love” by Crystal Shawanda
12/11 “Landback” by Kristi Lane Sinclair
12/12 “Put Your Feathers On” by Blue Moon Marquee
12/13 “Burn It Down” by Lightning Cloud feat. Pigeon John
12/14 “Electric Pow Wow Drum” by Halluci Nation
12/15 “Complicated” by Breach Of Trust
12/16 “Ice People” by Link Wray
12/17 “Tapatio” by RedCloud feat. Pigeon John

At this point we were getting pretty close to Christmas. I was looking up Christmas songs by Indigenous artists, as well as looking for playlists. (I did find some, but they weren't as good.)

I also started remembering old favorites, and wanting to work them in.

First of all, I would hate to omit the Snotty Nose Rez Kids, and I found a timely one that was even featured on Resident Alien, which I am totally going to watch some day.

12/18 “Bougee Natives” by Snotty Nose Rez Kids

I thought a lullaby was a nice start in to the Christmas music even if it was not particularly Christmas-themed. It may have been kind of uneven to go from "Bougee Natives" to a lullaby then to two songs that are really more humorous in nature. I did get more traditional after that.

12/19 “Lakota Lullaby” by Robert Tree Cody
12/20 “Twelve Indian Days of Christmas” by War Scout
12/21 “Stuck in the Smoke Hole of Our Tipi” by Elder Oldhands
12/22 “Away in a Manger” by John Two-Hawks
12/23 “The First Noel” by Douglas Blue Feather
12/24 “O Holy Night” by Jana Mashonee
12/25 “Christmas Night (Arbeau’s Orchésographie)” by Bill Miller
12/26 “Coventry Carol” by R. Carlos Nakai with William Eaton
12/27 “Holly and Ivy” by Painted Raven
12/28 “O Sanctissima” by Alice Gomez

Then it was back to old favorites.

As hard as it can be for me to include Jeremy Dutcher without including "Mehcinut", I thought "Ancestor's Too Young" was a better companion to Frank Waln's "Concentration Camp Blues". They may also be better-suited for this time. 

12/29 “Concentration Camp Blues” by Frank Waln
12/30 “Ancestors Too Young” by Jeremy Dutcher

Then I ended with Michael Bucher's "Don't Forget About Me".

That's not the first time I have ended a sequence on him, but it remains important. 

This is a time led by abusive people and loud distractions where it can feel impossible to keep up and stay grounded.

We still need to try.

12/31 “Don’t Forget About Me” by Michael Bucher

Resist. 

Friday, December 19, 2025

Ghostly Children's Picture Books

Or should I say Booooooo-ooks?

I made it through the 272 listings under "ghosts" and "children's picture books".

Well, it was a little more complicated than that. 

The library changed their search page and results started coming up differently. I was adapting to that, then I managed to find a link to the old page. I did searches with both to try and be complete.

There were some results that I did not read. For example, there were a bunch of Scooby-Doo books that were for putting words together, but I have seen the cartoons. There were also many children's versions of A Christmas Carol, with which I am already quite familiar. 

Still, I read a lot. I never did find the one where maybe the girl's mother was tricking her into thinking the house was haunted.

If you do follow me on Goodreads, you may know that my book count for the year is just over 300. No, I did not enter most of the books. 

There are a lot of children's books in that count, but I generally only enter children's books if they are especially good or culturally significant or something. Remember, a lot of children's books are just okay; there is nothing wrong with that. Going back through Goodreads now to see which ones stood out to me, not having entered all of them helps.

With that, some of my favorites were Hush, Baby Ghostling by Andrea Beaty, Ghastly Ghosts by Teresa Bateman, Leonard Builds a Haunted House by Tom Ciccotello, and, most of all, Ghost Cat by Kevan Atteberry.

As I get more into the YA and Middle Reader ghost books, there will be some common themes that become apparent.

In this case, the field was so broad that there were several subcategories.

There are many stories about shy, sweet ghosts. When I was a child in pediatrician waiting rooms, that was Robert Bright's Georgie, but he has since been joined by Gilbert the Ghost (Guido Van Genechten), Gustavo the Shy Ghost (by Flavia Z. Drago), and Jane Thayer's Gus Was a Friendly Ghost.

Clearly alliteration is a useful tool for making something non-threatening.

Making ghosts non-threatening is one way to help children deal with fears, but making ghosts scared (instead of scary) was another popular theme.  

This came up many times, but among the best were The Ghost Who Was Afraid of Everything by Nadia Ahmed and multiple books about The Teeny Tiny Ghost by Kay Winters. (I especially like how supportive his teacher is.) 

One that was not great but reasonably cute was Gracie Meets a Ghost by Keiko Sena. 

Nearsighted Gracie can't see the ghost well enough to be scared. He helps her find her glasses so he can scare her, but she gets them on just as the sun rises and he fades away. Her friendliness and optimism prevents the experience from being scary.

Friendliness and kindness were part of another theme that led to some of my favorites. Maybe the ghosts wanted to be difficult, but persistent good treatment (and sometimes asking the right questions) led to good outcomes.

That gives us Aggie and the Ghost, by Matthew Forsythe, The Bake Shop Ghost by Jacqueline K. Ogburn, and Boo Cowby Patricia Goehner Baehr. 

My sister actually bought Boo Cow after I showed it to her. Also Poultrygeist by Eric Geron. 

Related posts:

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/04/spooky-season-hodgepodge-and-hereafter.html  

 

Thursday, December 18, 2025

Dealing with death

On of the stories featured in The Myth of Closure was a woman whose husband was lost at sea. 

An acquaintance advised her to just call herself a widow already; it's not like anyone would know the difference.

She would know the difference.

Boss also mentioned families who lost members at the World Trade Center on 9/11. They often accepted death certificates for legal reasons and convenience. Having death legally declared, and being mostly sure that their loved one was in fact dead still left their loss complicated and ambiguous.

I have been thinking about the "convenience" part.

It is not at all unusual that even when everyone is sure of the death, we feel uncomfortable. We worry about saying the wrong thing.  

In my first round of reading about death, I mentioned that one of the books that came from from The Year of Magical Thinking was an etiquette guide by Emily Post. There used to be firmer rules about the formal handling of grief.

One reason I went to the Odditorium was for the exhibit on Victorian mourning, like maybe there would be some good ideas there. It wasn't particularly helpful.

Even when you know that someone is definitely gone, and you understand the reason why and there is nothing to fight on it, that will often not feel tidy.

One of the discussions we have had about this long goodbye with my mother is whether to have a funeral when the time comes. They had started being less common at the start of the pandemic, partly because of fears of contagion but also because of how quickly deaths were happening.

Some siblings were against having a funeral. I believe that is because at a funeral one has messy emotions and there are witnesses; they are not into that. I worried that other family members would feel cheated by that or that it was disrespectful, but everyone seems to be on board.

I also worried that maybe funerals are a community's way of coming together and telling each other, yes, this person is gone, and they were valuable to us. I have had very touching experiences at funerals and memorial services, so that can be something. Would we be missing out?

Maybe it is to get closure.

The problem with that is no matter how specific a timeline you set, it will be wrong. You will find yourself laughing when the grief is very fresh; then when it is older and appears mostly healed sharp stabs of grief will strike. 

Oh yeah, that hurt. 

One of the books in my "daughters" reading was The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards.

Dr. David Henry gives away his daughter born with Down Syndrome, pretending she died at birth. He gives her to the nurse to take to an institution, but then the nurse adopts her.

The devaluation of children with various conditions, including Down Syndrome, and institutionalization was a real thing; that's part of what inspired the story. The father making that decision unilaterally and lying to everyone is its own issue. 

I suppose to try and keep him relatable and sympathetic, it is based on his grief over his own sister's death, where he is trying to spare others. His family, poor rural people, did not know how to handle grief.

I remember thinking, Really!?! People have been dying since they have been living, generally sooner if you are poor. They had no way to process that!?! It's implied that part of it is their lack of education, but clearly the son's education didn't help.

And yet, given how we struggle sometimes with grief and mourning and supporting each other, maybe Edwards has a point.

The truth is that a funeral or a year of wearing black or covering mirrors for seven days or any other traditions may provide solace and help with reflection, but those things are outer while the healing needed is inside.

It is all very inconvenient. 

We can't always help people with that, but we can show that we care. That part is really important.

Sometimes it will involve fear of saying the wrong thing, but that makes the assumption that any specific things we could say will be wrong or right. 

I remember once getting a thank you card from someone whose mother had died, saying it was the only one that helped.

All I said that that this is going to hurt and it's okay to feel that pain.

This sucks and I am sorry. 

We can be so quick to comfort that we try and rush past the grief. That just prolongs the pain.

It is something we can't control, hence a lot of the discomfort. 

We can try to understand it better, and then adapt. 

Wednesday, December 17, 2025

An apparent detour: New garden update!

Yes, it SEEMS like a detour.

In September I wrote about delays in planting and germination, so transplanting some volunteer pumpkins without knowing what I would get.

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2025/09/garden-update-now-with-vocab.html 

They turned out to be more like gourds, staying quite small. 

There was another that mostly ripened, then got eaten by critters. A couple of other buds started growing, but were too late to get very big. It could be disappointing, but it would be so easy to have nothing at all.

I am also getting some clover coming in. It is either all volunteer or maybe there are some remnants from when I planted clover a few years ago. 

There is also some grass and weeds that I am going to have to deal with eventually., but that's not why I decided to post again.

Getting only three pumpkin plants -- only one of which survived -- left a lot of empty ground. I had mentioned cover crops and green manure last time.

Fava beans are popular for this. I think this is partly because of how they spread and their size, but also because of the nitrogen-fixing abilities of legumes.

I did not have any fava beans, but I did have some seed packets for peas and beans. 

I sprouted both and they all seemed responsive. Based on where I planted what, it was really the peas that took off. 

They did fill in a lot of the bare patches, and they added some interest, but getting such a late start I did not think they would get that far.

I have blossoms in mid-December.

Okay, it has been wet and warm. Those are not the worst growing conditions, but it is still a little cooler than spring would be, I think. Plus, there shouldn't really be any pollinators left. Without a frost, who knows?

Also, we are quite near the solstice. There are plants where if you plant them too close to the summer solstice, the change from days getting longer to getting shorter inhibits their growth, signaling them to shut down. I have no idea how the wintertime switch to days getting longer will work. 

I assume a frost will come at some point and that should still be a showstopper, but seriously, what do I know?

The planet is changing so quickly and unpredictably that it's hard to plan. We still plan, and plant.

One potential reason that people struggle with ambiguity is that lack of control. 

Not liking the lack of control is very relatable, but it doesn't change anything. Denial doesn't suddenly put you back in charge.

It's best to learn to adapt. 


Tuesday, December 16, 2025

Dealing with ambiguity

I recently finished The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change.

Well, I finished my first read through last month, but then I wanted to go through it more slowly and with a lot of journal writing. I have read some of the chapters three times now.

I found out that this book existed when I was reviewing books about dementia and saw that Pauline Boss had a new one that dealt specifically with the pandemic.

I have to admit that The Myth of Closure is not Boss' best work, mainly because it feels kind of hurried. 

I can't blame her for this. She was retired and caring for her ailing husband. Then between the start of the COVID-19 pandemic and the murder of George Floyd and ensuing protests, plus the January 6th insurrection, suddenly she was gaining new understanding of her life's work and realizing it was something much bigger. She was also older and more aware of death, where there may have been concerns about being able to finish.

I still found a lot of food for thought, then more as I went back over it more slowly.

It is not unusual to struggle with ambiguity. Remember Fiddler on the Roof? Part of the beauty of tradition was that everyone knew what was expected of them, but what if you don't like the expectations? Sure, that means what if you can't bear to marry someone other than the poor tailor, but also, what if being properly deferential to the Russians doesn't stop them from destroying your property and injuring you?

Can the traditions even withstand being uprooted with everyone heading off to other places?

In the mid-90's I worked with someone who was studying psychology. 

At the time, "dysfunctional families" was kind of a buzz phrase, but she said that people were using it wrong. It didn't mean a "bad" family, but one where the members did not know what was expected of them and did not know how to fit into their roles.

It is possible to have roles and rules that you hate. 

Ambiguity means there is also a chance to change. 

Change is hard, especially when you are trying to change a whole structure, and when others disagree on the necessary changes and don't cooperate. 

There is still an opportunity to make things better. 

Giving meaning to ambiguous loss may mean redefining ourselves and what our relationships look like and what our acceptable results look like, but there is hope in it too.  

Friday, December 12, 2025

Books about death

Yes, my most recent posts have been inspired by a death, but that is not why I am posting this now. 

This was going to be natural follow-up to Books about dementia and Movies about death. There have been some interruptions.

Also, I am not yet ready to write on "Books about being a mess." I think that one is going to end up being broken down into even smaller parts.

Nonetheless, there were books that I read on the topic of death. 

I was deliberately reading to prepare for my mother's death, not knowing when it would happen. The books also ended up being about more than her. If they were not more about life than death, well, they are still about life too.

I have also been working on this long enough that a quote that I wanted to use already appeared on the blog in 2019. 

"It appears that people who have gone through a life of suffering, hard work, and labor, who have raised their children and been gratified in their work, have shown greater ease in accepting death with peace and dignity compared to those who have been ambitiously controlling their environment, accumulating material goods, and a great number of social relationships but few meaningful interpersonal relationships which would have been available at the end of life." 

That is from On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross.

My biggest caveat on that quote is that it refers to people with young children having a harder time reconciling themselves to not finishing raising them. It could sound like the issue is whether you had children or not, but it was a matter of not being able to complete the parental role and conflicts and guilt about that.

It is also worth noting that Kübler-Ross gets quoted a lot regarding the stages of grief, as if it applies to any loss. She was specifically studying people learning that they were terminally ill. People have also tended to view it as a linear checklist, but it's not that simple or straightforward. 

First published in 1969, it is also somewhat out of date by now. One book trying to address that was Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief by David Kessler. 

Kübler-Ross and Kessler collaborated; he wasn't trying to steal her thunder. 

I agree with the premise that finding meaning is helpful, but some of his sources are questionable. I rechecked my Goodreads reviews for all of these books. The praise I have for Kessler's is that it might be accessible for some people who would struggle with deeper books. That's not a strong recommendation.

One that is also kind of faint praise is for Words at the Threshold by Lisa Smartt, yet I did gain something for it. 

When I was writing about The Gift of Alzheimer's, my issue was that a lot of her evidence seemed kind of reaching but I was glad that she was able to have positive experiences with a difficult disease.

With Smartt, I am not sure that all of the words spoken by the dying did have a deeper meaning, or at least not the perceived meaning. 

I have had times when a high fever or medication has kept me from being able to find the right words for thoughts I was trying to get out. I cannot rule out that a dying person may want very much to communicate something, but that what they are saying may not match. Getting too hung up on trying to make the words fit may not work.

That also doesn't mean that there is nothing profound or valuable. It depends on so many things. It is up to us to glean meaning and part of that is going to be from the context of the relationship that we know. 

I may be overly hung up on that because it is very hard losing someone you love. It would be easy to grasp at false comfort. Is that a problem if it is still comfort? Well, if the false part is keeping you from something that would be better, then yes.

I feel bad that I was somewhat disappointed with Gone From My Sight: The Dying Experience by Barbara Karnes.

This is the booklet that everyone providing hospice recommends. They may even give you a copy free. I have turned down two copies because I already have one.

It's not bad, though a lot of it is still assuming some awareness on the part of the person dying where it is not really helpful for dementia. That was probably part of my disappointment. 

It's value is in encouraging acceptance, which is important because the grief of the loved ones they are leaving can be an obstacle for the person who is dying and already has enough to resolve.

(I'm just going to insert a link to Ring Theory here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in)

Remember that acceptance will be helped by finding meaning, but also may be surprisingly helped by absurdity.

I tend to find New Yorker cartoons disappointing, so I would not expect to be a fan of one of their cartoonists, but I did find some common ground in Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant by Roz Chast.

There were probably other points in common, but the one I remember most is that after having a lot of difficulty with her mother and having to hire help, being irritated to find her mother comfortably seated on the couch with the caretaker and eating a tuna fish sandwich. You should be happy, but why aren't you?

There are so many different things pulling at you. It is important to be fair and reasonable, but part of that can also be knowing that your feelings are valid and this is hard.  

Finally, I should mention A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis.

I mentioned being disappointed by the Shadowlands movie, mainly because I don't think there was that much C. S. Lewis in it. 

I don't think I have ever been disappointed by reading Lewis.

The most impressive thing about A Grief Observed may be that I could tell that he had written a lot more, so was only sharing some parts of it, but some of those parts were so raw. His criteria for sharing was not an effort to sanitize. What is left is an acknowledgment of terrible pain, but also hope and acceptance. 

I believe he found meaning in that. 

Thursday, December 11, 2025

Lingering questions

Next week I plan to spend more time on death and healing. Maybe this post is a transition.

There were two things that stuck out for me from Albert's obituary. 

One was the use of "beloved" three times for his partner; that made me wonder if she wrote it and if there is a level at which it was overcompensating.

The "credit" I can give him is that for all of the women he hit on who did not know that he had a partner, including the one who was talking to him more and trying to get him to go to the reunion, I can't believe there was a lot of time spent with other women, and not only because so many weren't interested. 

I suppose his going could have made the reunion more interesting.

The other thing was a mention of friends.

Friends don't usually end up mentioned in obituaries; maybe they should be.

I know with my father's death and my mother being in end of life, that is something I have thought about more. Who needs updates? How can that best be done?

My parents were very young marrieds and they had a lot of friends who were a little bit older, which I think was nice for them as they were not near family. If I think about their influence or how my mother made friends through greyhound rescue, there might not be names mentioned but that would totally be something that it would make sense to include in an obituary. In fact, there is a reference to Albert making friends through pickleball. I get that.

There are also some people mentioned by name. One is his best friend he met at Beaver Acres. That makes me wonder if in fact he did not go to Aloha Park from the boundary change, but moved and ended up at Beaver Acres at the same time as the boundary change. (Aloha Park and Beaver Acres both fed into Five Oaks at the time.)

Regardless, in this case the person's full name is given and a reference to golfing with him, indicating the friendship lasted. I probably would not have separated the mentions, noting "best friend since elementary school" when mentioning the golf, but the inclusion does make sense.  

The other mention strikes me as weirder:

"As Albert entered high school he met his good friends Josh, Joel and Matt and he found his calling with the drama department appearing in various plays." 

All four of them definitely were in the drama department in high school and they did plays together. I specifically remember Josh and Albert having a scene together at the end of Barnum.

However, that's not how he met any of them.

Albert knew Josh from Chehalem like I did, then went to separate junior high schools.

Albert met Matt and Joel in junior high, where all of them did plays. I specifically remember Albert and Matt were both in The Curious Savage. 

There was another guy in that group, Aaron. He did hang out with the theater people, though I can't remember him acting now.

If the obituary had said Aaron instead of Josh -- even if it had said high school instead of junior high -- that would be logical to me. They did a lot of things together, and my friends and I were often there as the female component of that group.

One potential reason for not mentioning Aaron could be the criminal charges and jail time. I would get that, except that could also make a case for excluding Matt.

As far as I know, Albert never held Matt accountable for anything. Sure, things can change, but they were certainly in contact in 2008 and the mention in the obituary implies a continued connection, except for the other two.

I can't rule out continued contact, but many of us remembered clearly how completely Joel disappeared, shunning those connections. He did briefly pop up on Facebook and we exchanged some messages, but he didn't stay on long. With those group dynamics, I did not blame him, but also he was the most beloved boy in that group.

(That is specifically class of 1990, or '87 for Five Oaks. There were two other boys who spent a fair amount of time with us but one was older and one was younger. In addition, there were some people we knew who started doing more with theater at high school, but were not acting as much then. Regardless, the core group was those four boys and six of us girls.)

Then, with Josh... I don't know the details, as it was again a situation where I found out some things later. Regardless, I am pretty sure that Josh did not consider Matt a friend after one point. Given a choice, I am sure Albert would have defended Matt. He always did.

Josh was also very much beloved. 

It's weird to me that the obituary paints this image of a foursome that was really tight. It doesn't fit.

I suspect in some way it is there because maybe including two of the best and best-regarded people paints a prettier picture and makes it look like better associations.

Then I wonder if in fact he drafted his own obituary before he died, and there were things he was not going to face. 

In fact, his voice work did bring him into professional and mentoring contact with other classmates who still think fondly of him. Mentioning them could have made more sense and still sounded good. 

I can get wanting things to look better, but I want things to be real. 

Now, I have generally worked to protect identities in these posts. This one is obviously more specific, which I don't love, but seems necessary given the material.

For that reason, I am posting some references.

Related links:

https://omegaservices.com/obituaries_tributes/albert-d-hensley-jr/1763/?

https://www.wweek.com/portland/article-19583-barred.html 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matt_Wingard 

Also, though with completely different feelings:

https://www.portlandmercury.com/artsy/2008/12/12/984914/another_death_in_the_portland 

Wednesday, December 10, 2025

Two stories

These stories could easily sound catty, but that's not how I feel about them.

The more recent one was around the time of our 20-year reunion.

I was talking to one of the women who took Albert's advances most to heart. She was worried because he had said he was not going to the reunion. She was trying to get him to go, but he didn't.

She was also in contact with someone else from school, Ronny Kersey. 

I mention his name because we lost him in July and I don't remember seeing any classmates post about it. I was more aware of it because one of my former coworkers had served in the Marines with him. Small world, right?

There is a level at which I think talking about people as good or bad is reductive, but yes, I considered Ron a good guy. He was not as well-known at school, where I remember him as pretty quiet. Family and friends and other service members were really hurt by the loss.

For this woman, maintaining contact was not just being friends on Facebook, but messages and I think sometimes phone calls and maybe visits when possible. Losing two of them so close together would be very sad, but she left Facebook a while ago. I don't know if she even knows.

I lost contact with her shortly after the reunion. We were talking about whom we might want to spend more time with. I named someone else from our class and she turned a bit chilly. 

Apparently she liked him too. I guess she needed to have all of the single men, or at least until she secured one.

For this third single (specifically divorced, I am not sure how recent it was then) man, we had many perfectly fine interactions, but there is one really clear memory. It bothers me more now, though I didn't love it then. That brings us to the second story. 

I have told this story before, but not since 2008.

Leaving algebra class (still in junior high), I was joined in the hall by D. (I used a different initial in the 2008 telling, so both tellings could be too incriminating... I don't know.)

In front of us, one guy grabbed the butt of the girl he was dating, surprising her. She looked mad until she saw who it was, but they walked off with his arm around her shoulders.

D told me that once that guy got what he wanted from her, he would dump her. I don't know all of the details, but I could see that she had switched to hating him about two weeks later. 

When I have these really clear snapshot memories, I have since figured out that this was a moment when my mind was processing, "Oh, this is how the world works. That sucks." That's not to say that I really had full understanding of these moments, but that was the lesson I was taking. Part of them being such vivid memories is that the lessons I was learning sucked. 

I remember not knowing what to say. Years later, I think more about how D seemed to find it amusing.

Why? Because if she gave into the guy who was essentially her boyfriend, and acting like he really liked her, that made her stupid and slutty? Was I allowed to know that because I was such a good girl? Or was I such a non-threatening girl that it didn't matter what I was told?

(If it was because I never would have gotten it on my own, he had a point.) 

Was he amused that the boyfriend in question was kind of a douche? That's actually not funny when you consider how it affects other people. 

Isn't being a teenage girl hard enough? 

In terms of how to handle it, I cannot imagine that my trying to tell her would have gone well. We weren't close and I was not known for my dating expertise.

What really would have been great is if other guys were against that, where treating girls badly would result in social exclusion of some kind. 

If I could go back, I think I would have said something to D. "Do you think that's funny? That's horrible!"

I don't know if that would have done anything other than make me seem a lot less fun. Sometimes to make things better you have to be annoying and frustrating and irritatingly right. 

Does that mean raining down on other people's grief? Probably not in this case, and I am not trying to do that. 

It will absolutely involve other times of making people uncomfortable.

The last time I engaged with Albert where he tried to make me feel bad about my blog, it ended with something like "Maybe one day I'll get a mention in your ranting blog."

Well, you have some mentions now, and this next part may sound like a rant. 

First, though, I want to point out is that if there were people whom he was more likely to defer to -- either men with not knocking them politically or women with not hitting on them -- because of perceived talent or connections or greater popularity or marital status -- there are going to be things there that fit under dominator culture and quite possibly patriarchy but possibly not misogyny.

What I see most here is misogyny, which was a huge part of #MeToo and the lack of lasting changes.

For the few predators who have done jail time, there are a lot more who are excused or shrugged off and the victim pays a higher toll... that's possible because of the misogyny.

That male classmates could choose to not talk politics with Albert so they could have enjoyable interactions, but that female classmates trying to set a boundary like, Hey, don't go through my Facebook friends and start hitting on them, then had to face his Mr. Hyde version... that's misogyny.

That he could hit on I-don't-even-know-how-many women using the exact same words like they were all interchangeable and think that was perfectly okay while also being in a long-term relationship... misogyny!

Even that he would wait to hit on some classmates until they were divorced -- so respecting the perceived rights of a different man over them but not their own autonomy -- misogyny!

That he might feel that what he needed to do to gain validation was collecting interactions with many women, that is misogyny too. I don't think it made him happy, and it is worth noting that misogyny is not great for men either but -- call it bias -- I have a bigger issue with the effects of misogyny on women. 

And that a woman twenty years out of high school with an interesting job and plenty of things going for her would feel such a need for validation from a man that she would be excited about these crummy compliments, and keep going even when she started to know that his attention to her was not unique, and also would feel the need to back off from platonic relationships if there was a perceived threat to the mere potential of a romantic relationship... that relates to internalized misogyny.

I can be sad as well as mad.  

Related posts: 

https://sporkful.blogspot.com/2008/12/sex-education-314.html